Broken

I wrote this post over a year after I left James. For those of you who feel they aren’t healing fast enough and you can’t go no contact. This is what happens when you have contact with the narcissist. learn from my mistakes. The date on the post is Feb 13 2012. Him and I split in Nov 2010

Ladywithatruck's Blog

I started this blog to hopefully help other women who get involved with a narcissist and if I am going to do that I have to be honest about my journey.

JC showed up at the Turf where I cash my cheque on Saturday again. I had started going somewhere else with my loads to avoid him but this one day I had a good paying load and needed the full amount, plus it was heavy stuff and I didn’t want to hand bomb it off and at amix they take it off with a magnet.

Anyway I saw him there and could have drivin past but I didn’t; I pulled in. he immediately came to my truck and gave me a hug which I didn’t return. He was impressed with how cute the dogs were. I took Laila out for him to see and then he had a visit…

View original post 824 more words

Advertisements

13 Replies to “Broken”

  1. carrie it was going to happen he kept texting me and phoned me today i igmored all day but this evening he phoned didnt look at the number so he spoke was angry i hadnt contacted him for a month i was mindful of how to react grey rock few words he told me he is depressed and headbutted the door several times sounds like hes becoming more physical with his anger he went on about the bags of things i packed for him how when he looks at them it makes him angry admitted hes playing with women perverted games then dumps them because they want more lucky them they were dumped early he was rude wants to see me threateneed whats the point of me being his friend if i dont contact him i was calm he sounded like a spoilt child his work isnt doing well again no surprise he said he didnt like the way i reacted it was weird because i have changed i have really changed he said some more mean tactics he is not in control anymore and he hates it good much more was said but all insignificant now i told him he broke me and to let me get on with my life but they cant they hunt you down when their life isnt going to plan to get narc supply he said he is depressed and lonely and has no family thats because he dumped us as for being depressed and lonely i think i hold a medal for that one i wanted to say maybe if you headbut the door one more time it might knock the narc out of you but i didnt say it id had enough by then he wants to see me for a drink no way he sort of teased me and said oh maybe its not a good idea this feels strange ive changed my mind i still stayed calm and said fine and hungup you are sooooooo right carrie having any contact is not possible even when you feel lonely and miss them and think they may change believe me they only get worse he said he wants to find a relationship not caring about what hes done to me on one hand he says he needs looking after but just wants to use women for his pleasure what a monster evil to the core or mental i cant decide which all i do know is its a battle to keep them away but i will continue to annoy him am keeping well away there was something he said i should get a man and use them it would do me good i replyed i have more self respect and respect for others than that not to lower myself to his level he said i worry that youre not independent oh yeah he just doesnt want me to be able to live without him thankyou for the post today it just reinforces no contact is the only way how on earth do you get rid of them its like a boomerang never mind they actually try to make you feel guilty for their feelings think ive finished thanks for listening xxx

    Like

      1. Kim, I know it must be so hard to talk to him or not talk to him; after 30 years, he would be such a huge part of your life and you do care. it didn’t matter what james had to say whenever I talked to him; I always came away hurting. Even when he apologized and said he still loved me, because I knew it was over, I could never go back. There comes a point of no return, too much pain, too many lies, too many games but it doesn’t make it easy. He is hoping to wear you down. Get you to just give up the fight by bombarding you with texts and calls. Stay strong! The less you listen to him the better you will feel.
        Hugs. Impotent eh? they say the strangest things, most men would never admit that and what are you supposed to do about it? God they are weird! LOL

        Like

        1. thankyou carrie after 2 days of no contact im starting to be less affected it is over hes is looking for other women all the time hes lost me completely i feel like im a widow but its harder to grieve because hes out there looking for my replacement but iwill now carry on with healing and taking each day and know in my heart he is the problem not me as god is my judge youre right they are weird not of this earth xxx

          Like

          1. I remember thinking it would be so much easier if he had died, then I could go on loving him and grieve the loss of him without having to face how sick he was and the abuse. That is the thing with them, a person has so much to try to absorb and overcome besides the ending of the relationship they are so cruel about everything, they can’t just go away, they have to make it hell.

            Like

  2. stupid new computer keyboard is messed up. grrrrr. Sometimes I think my guardian angel brought you to me as you always seem to deliver what I need when I need it. I am crying. Tears pouring. I stopped by the liquor store tonight. I have managed to refrain for weeks now. You see , he doesnt beat me nor does his lawyer. They are too smart for that. They just have it carried out on their orders. Its imtimidation to keep me from testifying against him. I was his whore the last two years. He has been refusing his estranged wife a divorce for 4 years eve though he kicked her out/. I was replaced by a even better monkey. The divorce is at the end of the road. The judge has put a end to it and an arbitrator has been appointed to finalize it since he refuses to cooperate. But nothing is ever that simple. They are throwing s**t at each other. Nothing was finalized today. Isnt it ironic that I now have no value to either one of them except oh. one wants me to testify and the other fears it. Talk about being used. She called today and wants me to help her. I have been beaten 5 times in 5 months. The smear campaign worked well. I am totally isolated. I have some good days now which is better than all bad days. Tonight it is tequila until I pass out. Any contact sends me over the edge. Hell, I miss him, and there are no words to describe how I miss his 3 small children. The drugs the doctor gave me worked from the neck up. The side effects were servere enough to put me in the hospital with a heart attack. I dont sleep. I just want to be someone new. Change my hair color. change my name and move on. My house is paid for. leaving is not an issue. No contact is the only thing that works. I am convinced I will never recover from my broken heart. Him I can live without. I have spent no less than 5 days a week for the last 8 years with his children. They are my life. I have never been so alone in my life. Without this page, I might not have any hope.

    Like

    1. broken hart it is a constant battle i also feel alone and dont sleep i have meds but cant get off them they dull the pain of my fibro and broken heart im so sorry you are feeling at a loss but know you are not alone its a very bumpy road and its normal to feel devastated i heard from the n today it was hell but i turned it around i got angry but just kept saying dont contact me im sticking to this he said more hurtful things details about how i would be pleased how hes treating other women do you know these people are not worth our pain we feel i know the feeling of missing them he even said do i want to go to the seaside with him he knows how to push the buttons of course i would but im not i am going to a local support group in a pub near me this time im going alone and the lady sounded lovely its hard but im not giving up its about slowly building a new life even though you feel like you cant we had a life before them we can have one after them is there some way you can keep in touch with the children if you have a bond when they get old enough they will come to you remember you are certainly not on your own i send you hugs xxx

      Like

    2. Brookn, I didn’t sleep for months, I ended up sleeping on the couch with the TV on and I would get an hour here or there. If I went to bed I would be wide awake and I was very nervous because I didn’t know what he would do. if the TV was on I wouldn’t wake up to a dark quiet room. I would watch tv for a while and fall back to sleep. It took me almost two years to sleep in a bed again. Also i found i didn’t feel so alone on the couch, There isn’t this big empty bed beside you, you might want to try it. I knew every late night show on and got all caught up on repeats of I Love Lucy. Lol
      you concern me Brookn, I am very worried for your safety. Please be careful.
      Hugs

      Like

  3. It is a constant battle. I’ve been doing fairly well..I took up hiking..started painting again and am even fostering a senior dog..(huge no no with him..I wasn’t allowed to have anything that might mess the house up while he was around) All in all I’ve been doing great. Until this morning..I got off of my shift and went on this site..hell A dating website..for single parents. My coworkers talked me into it..Well..wouldn’t you know it..there he was..3rd profile down. My favorite picture of him that I took is his profile pic, his username is a nickname I gave to him. I mean…Wow!! Thankfully I had enough scruples not to open it..but now I feel ill again.

    Like

    1. im not surprised you feel bad mine is on so many dating sites hes using young women for perverted things then dumps them he jokes and said hes a player huh his a dirty old perv who doesnt respect women at all hes an embarrassment they are laughable in many ways i know how you feel just starting to get little together then they pop up out of nowhere its good you didnt open it its just not worth they arent worth it they have no morals sad lot i wish you well xxx

      Like

    2. Traumamamma, good for you that you didn’t open it. But i understand the shock and mix of emotions to find a personal ad of theirs. I found enough of James while we were together. Some of them would be pics of him in my house while I was working and he would be posing and taking selfies for dating sites. james used a nickname i gave him also. They are such losers!
      It sounds like you are doing a lot of things to keep busy, good for you! taking in a senior dog is a great idea, nothing like a dogs love to make a person feel better, I swear i don’t know where i would have been without my kato, he was my rock and protector, he would put his head on my lap when i cried and just love me.
      Hugs

      Like

Don't be shy, add your comments

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s