For New Members Of The Blog

Every day someone new finds the blog, usually through the Page, 3 Stages of a relationship with a narcissist. Every single person asks the same question, “How do I go on, how do I survive this?”

As much as I like to answer everyone individually, I end up repeating myself over and over again when the answers are buried in the many posts I have done over the years. While searching back in order to supply some links for another new commenter I realized how old many of the posts are, going back to 2012; but they are just as valid today as they were then and well worth reading.

There are many more, and I fear some of them are basically just a repeat of something I have already said; after all you can only cover a narcissist so much before you start to repeat yourself; yes it is possible to have said all there is to say about a narcissist! As much as we all feel we are the only ones going through this, that we loved the narcissist more than anyone could ever love someone. (I actually remember thinking when reading on some blog years ago, “Yes but, you don’t understand, I really love him! we have a bond you just don’t find every where, a once in a life time kinda love.”

I found out much later that we had nothing, may have never loved like that before, but there were many people out there thinking they also had something special that you just don’t find every day and don’t “just walk away from”. I also used to think, “He will never find a woman who will love him like I did, who will put up with all I did.” and was proven wrong again. I am sure his new woman loved him every bit as much as I did and is as hurt and confused as I was.  Narcissists are experts at deception and manipulation; after all they rely on deception to survive and have all their lives; we are NOT experts, so don’t know how to deal with it and are devastated by it.

Below are some posts I thought may be of help to some of the people who are just now starting their journey of recovery. The key things to remember are;

  • This is going to take time, there is no quick fix. If I knew of one I would share it, believe me.
  • No contact is the ONLY way to heal. If you think you can wean yourself from the narcissist or stay friends you are only kidding yourself
  • It was/is not your fault, BUT you must do the work to heal yourself and that is going to require you look inside yourself and fix some things. There is something inside you that made you stay, even once you knew what your were dealing with. Why you went back, are still with the narcissist or why you find it so hard to break away.
  • You are broken, you feel broken for a reason; don’t think you can walk away from this and be ok or that jumping into another relationship is going to fix this for you. YOU and only YOU can fix yourself (with the help of a therapist, support group or understanding community like this)
  • As I said above; jumping into another relationship is NOT the answer and will only complicate things.

Now here are the links
and this one from when I was only 5 months out of the relationship
and another oldie

Every post as a couple of related articles linked to it and please read the comment section because there are many good comments from other victims and there might be something you can relate to in them or my replies to comments. And please leave your own comments on any of the posts and someone will surely answer.

You are not alone and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Baby steps, just keep looking forward and not back.




24 thoughts on “For New Members Of The Blog

  1. Glad I am a year out of this destructive relationship. I would not go back for anything! When you realize that you were dealing with the equivalent of a six year old, an individual that deserved an award for his acting skills and a pathological liar, you breath a sigh of relief. You made it out of this destructive relationship and you understand it was not you, it was him! Education and no contact. Then, change the was you think about him. Not the love of your life but the total creep he is. Thank you Carrie for being here. I know it has been a labor of love that you have shown to us fellow survivors. You are so appreciated! Hug your dog and know that you are included in my prayers. Carry on fellow survivors! You are all amazing!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. you sound angry frustrated and imposed upon. I am sorry for adding to it. I have been to so many places and this is the only one that soothes me, gives me peace, points me in a direction and keeps me remotely sane. I am sorry for overstepping my boundaries. I will leave in peace now. I do not know how to be anything other than the broken woman I now am. I will post no more.


    1. Please don’t feel that way… I don’t mean to trek you how to feel – that’s not my intent, but for the time I’ve been following this blog and what I’ve gone through myself, I’m speculating that you’re just hurt and seeing demons that are not there.

      THIS particular place and the people here are safe. Carrie has a huge heart and that is an understatement.

      Please stick around and just read, if need be, and post when you feel that need. There is so much care and help here, I’d hate to see you miss out.


      Liked by 1 person

    2. Narcissist Abuse Syndrome. What It Is and How To Break Free From It. Colelaboration with Richard Grannon. Spartan Life Coach. With Ross Rosenberg. Go to YouTube. Also, Sam Vaknin’s videos. My x was a diagnosed narcissist. I thought nothing of it when I heard this info. How stupid was I? All the information is out there. This forum helped me with the knowledge that we are not a lone. When in a relationship with a narc, you have a tendency to become isolated. Carrie does a great job here. She has a lot of courage, grit! Education and no contact. You can do this! What a great life you have to look forward to!


      1. Mary, I watched a lot of Sam Vaknin and Spartan Life Coach, I don’t recall seeing anything by Richard Grannon and Ross Rosenberg doesn’t do it for me. I have tried to get into his videos and for some reason I just can not relate to him or something. I can’t even put my finger on it. I love Spartan life Coach and Sam Vaknin has been so informative.
        Thanks for the info


        1. Ross Rosenberg is an expert on Codependency. I am a codependent and you aren’t. I have been in three relationships, if that is what you call it, and they were narcissists. Let me point out that my second and final marriage was not that type of a relationship. But, being a codependent, any relationship is all consuming. If you watch San Vaknin, you can see the little smirks when he is trying to communicate with previous relationships. Very subtle, very mind boggling as all narcissists are. That is exactly why no contact is a must. I find this subject so interesting, especially now that I have put all the puzzle together so to speak. We have all been abused but for different reasons. The narcissist is pretty much text book. Special, they are not! Carry on Miss Carrie! Keep up the good work!


          1. Carrie, the above comment about Richard and SLC is for you. 🙂 I have to remember to address the person in these comments since the reply doesn’t always go where I think it will. lol


            1. Safire, thank you! I didn’t know that, I always just call him the Spartan Coach, I noticed my comments have not been going where they are supposed to. I thought it was just me. I finally stopped my mouse from floating around at random but now my comments are showing up under someone else’s comment. I get so lost sometimes! I can’t go to Walmart without losing my car every times, on the internet it is even worse!

              Liked by 1 person

              1. Omg I hate forgetting where I parked. I try to find a good landmark so I can find it. If the lot has those number signs on the poles I use them, if not I find something else. And then of course sometimes I forget. Ugh. The Walmart around here has a scary parking lot even in the daytime so I don’t go there anymore.

                And the internet, well that’s vast. LOL, reminds me of that commercial where this guy says, “Well, that’s it, I reached the end of the internet.” But I think the comment thing on can be weird or glitchy.

                Did you see the two interviews SLC/Richard did with Ross Rosenberg and then one with Sam Vaknin?
                I saw in a comment you don’t relate to Ross, but the convo between him and Richard was pretty engaging.


    3. Brookn Hart, I had no intention of sounding that way and I am sorry I came across sounding that way. Especially with you!! I have made a special effort to reach out to you because I feel you have suffered intense abuse and wanted to make sure you felt safe to speak openly here. I certainly never intended you to NOT post, that would be the exact opposite of my desire!
      I admit I do get tired of repeating myself over and over again; who wouldn’t? and I could spend everyday writing nothing but the same thing over and over again and the people who have come here for any length of time would move on because they would be getting nothing new to heal with. I am trying to cover a wide range of victims from the very new ones who have no idea what happened to them to the ones who have been out of the relationship for a while and now have a different set of struggles they are dealing with.
      If I am frustrated about anything it is my lack of foresight when starting the blog to organize my posts better so people could find the information they need more easily.
      There are the people who come here and expect to instantly find the answer to healing. Want someone to “fix” them and to not have to work at it themselves, but i have never viewed you as being that type of person. You have always struck me as someone who is willing to do whatever it takes to heal yourself.
      I hate to tell anyone they are “being too sensitive” because we have all heard that from the narcissist, but I think; if i might just guess here………….. you are so accustomed to being the scapegoat, the one who is blamed for every mood, every little thing that went wrong that you automatically assume I was talking about you or you are to be blamed in some way. And that is just not the truth.
      I have been guilty of it myself as I am sure many people here have. A person you know is in a bad mood and you automatically assume they are mad at you, that you did something to put them into that mood. I was raised by a dad who, if you asked him; would tell you he never in his life had a bad mood. Oh maybe he was grumpy some days but that was only because someone did something to make him grumpy! So I spent most of my life thinking I was responsible for everyone else’s moods, which is just not so. We are not that powerful, that we can “make” a person be or do anything.
      I had no intention of making anyone feel bad, I merely wanted to point out to people in general, that I may not reply to everyone because I have gotten so very busy with the blog and that healing takes time and to point them in the direction of some posts I thought would help them. And to show some older posts where I was not so healed so people would see that I was broken, still a year after leaving the N.
      I hope you will continue to comment and I and everyone else here want to help you in anyway we can. I am going to reread my post and see where i screwed up but wanted to reply to you first.


    4. Brookn Hart,

      At first glance after a quick scan of Carrie’s post, it appeared to me too to be a criticism of people who seemed whiny of what to do now, in their despair, without doing some of their own lifting. (Is this about me?? **Shudders**) But rereading the post, thankfully that was NOT at all the case. Carrie was simply saying to do more reading and educate, navigate the blog and find what you need. She is human after all and as much as she is all our savior through these difficult dark days, she can’t individually reply and point out everything to everybody all of the time. I think by the sheer transparency of her accounts, this is all the handholding we need. At least in my case it is. I credit her for giving me the courage to take that final push through to freedom to leave narc husband of 20 years. This is huge because it had never been successful in 19 years of TRYING to leave. And that was just staying on this blog and reading through many many entries and people’s feedback and stories of their experiences. After trawling through all the pertinent ones, I went back to the beginning ones in 2011 I think and I’m up to halfway of 2012.

      Don’t give up. We are all here to support and lift up one another as we go forwards in our healing and recovery. Different backgrounds but stories of pain and suffering the same. You will see good days ahead. Sending you love.


      1. Thank you Nlights. I really did not mean to offend anyone and will feel awful if Brookn hart doesn’t come back. I did reread it and I didn’t change it, but if you initially felt it was critical and shuddered maybe I should reread it again! I do feel we all have to take responsibility for our own healing and that to some degree we did have something to do with our own abuse; NOT that we deserved it, went looking for it or caused it; but we did stay and now we have to heal and no one can do that for us and I worked dang hard to heal myself, it did not come easy as my old posts show (really? you are reading them all?? you are a glutton for punishment!) only joking! but you must see that I was a mess and long after leaving James, and I do blame that on staying in contact with him and thinking I “couldn’t” go no contact, I “had” to talk to him. We all have our own inner demons and only we can deal with them but I don’t mind sharing what I learned along the way. It is very seldom I get frustrated with anyone who comes here, in fact from what I can see from reading other blogs I am one of the very few who give long detailed replies to comments. The thing that is frustrating me more than anything right now is this dang laptop. Ever since that drone was outside my window my computer has been acting really strange. My cursor has a life of its own and the reason I did the post at all was because I was trying to reply to a comment on another post and twice I got almost to the end and my dang cursor floated over something at the exact time I hit enter and I lost the whole thing. Twice!! I was terribly frustrated and I don’t know what I am going to do about it. It can be almost impossible to type anything sometimes. In my frustration I thought, “Why am I typing everything out all over again anyway? I have said it all in posts, it’s crazy to keep repeating myself. I don’t get paid by the hour to do this LOL
        I will have to reread the post again and change somethings.
        Thanks for your input. I appreciate constructive input and knowing when I have screwed up or I am not clear in my message.


        1. carrie please dont think you need to explain i found it to be a useful post i think sometimes because of our mixed feelimgs we go through and the fact of being critisised by the narc we can automatically believe we see critisism when there isnt i really hope broken hart comes here for support you are doing an amazing job of helping us all and we can all support each other through turbulent times its ok fot everyone to let off steam here and get wonderful advice from you carrie and others too i hope broken hart comes here if she needs support we are all in this journey this is such a caring place thankyou carrie and everyone xxx


  3. During the past 3 years, my own recovery has been jaded. I think I have moved out of the anger phase to find myself right back to where I started. Healing and learning to trust takes time. You have to deprogram yourself from all the brainwashing. You have to keep reminding yourself that this person was not human! Your only weapon for survival is No Contact! Carrie, you have done a wonderful job letting others know your own tramatic story. We are soul sisters healing together!


  4. I can sooo agree with this! Healing is difficult and it requires alot of effort to “mend” your own wounds. I’m 1 1/2 years now together with someone who is very understanding (and I’m happy he came into my life) but oh boy….sometimes it’s really hard when I need to explain that I just reacted on something negatively, because I’m interpreting so much in a twisted way :/ I was 7 years with a narcissist and it’s just not possible to NOT get any “bad” things, specifically thoughts and defense mechanisms etc. from that.
    I’m also happy that I did indeed go completely no contact with my ex, I didn’t know it’s good to do that, but it just felt right, because I couldn’t stand the feeling anymore of being in any way exposed to him….also…I touched the fire…I think the way of how I left that relationship was really not the best, but it felt like it was my only option or the only one I could accept…my ex made me went through hell 3 months AFTER I officially told him that I’m done with him, because I had no money, no friends really(i thought), couldnt contact my family (for personal reasons) and I was also being pressured into some sort of “contract” with him without making a real contract (the background to that is, that he presented a lie to blackmail me, which I found out later :/) He used my dreams against me…he told me into my face that he would like to kill me for what I did (obviously the leaving him part) He continuously disrespected my privacy, abused me emotionally by constantly going back and forth between “good and understanding” and “you are such a failure and pathetic” etc. every day! He tried to break me into tiny little pieces and if I wouldn’t have had someone to talk at that point and then also some “sudden” friend who offered me to get all my stuff and live with them until I get my things sorted out….I don’t know what would have happened…
    but if I know something, is that I tried my best, I didn’t “fail” a relationship. I ended it fairly, I did everything I could on my side to make it as peaceful as possible.
    I can’t say it was easy in the beginning to go no contact…I was craving for the possibility that maybe something I said at the very end was turning him around….my decision to go was solid though…too much had happened that I knew I could never trust him again. So if I would want to tell someone, what to think about after leaving a relationship with a narcissist, what could help them, is reminding yourself that you loved that narcissist for a reason.
    Your are still allowed to love that person and you are allowed to care for a person you love. And when you love someone, you want them to be free also, so in both interests it’s better to let them go. Accepting, that you are toxic for each other. They are craving for you, because you are a good person and good hearted and trustfull etc. and you are craving for them because they seem the perfect representation of confidence and strength and understanding…But this is not what both of these people need. We don’t need someone to be strong for our weaknesses. We can not balance ourselves with someone elses brain attached to us.
    Instead, it would be better to accept our weaknesses, aknowledge them, understand them and try to work on them on ourselves, so that we don’t need to rely on someone else filling them for us, so that we can learn to trust ourselves. Trust that we can be whole.
    And then I think, when we learn to trust ourselves (it’s for sure a life ongoing process) we could be ready to move on to live a relative normal life.


    1. Farelle, you made some excellent points! thanks for sharing. You have obviously done a lot of soul searching and work on yourself during your healing. I think you last line is so important, learning to trust ourselves. I think if we all had trusted ourselves a bit more the narcissist would not have been able to control us as much as he did. And when it comes right down to it, who else do we have but ourselves and know our own worth.
      Thanks for commenting!


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