Put A Spell On You

hypno heart

With a show of hands; how many of you have said or thought, “It’s like he put a spell on me, I can’t resist him, even when I know he is toxic.” ?

You might be closer to the truth than you know.

Quite by accident, early in my relationship with James I discovered he had downloaded a book off the internet, “How To Get Any Woman Into Bed”. He had been frantically printing it off before work and when it stopped printing, he grabbed it and went out the door. Later that day I went to print something and the printer was out of paper, I reloaded it and it started to print page after page of this instruction manual.

Of course, me being me, I confronted him on it the minute he got home and he said he had downloaded it for work. “For work?? you are a mechanic!” I was pissed and indignant. We had just moved in together, he certainly didn’t need a manual on how to get me into bed, so there was only one other explanation. I said, “And how many women are you trying to seduce at work?” He said the techniques could be used in business also, it was all about influencing people.

I asked, “Have you ever heard of the book, “How To Win Friends and Influence People?”

I had read the part that printed off and it was all about how to seduce any woman, wherever you happened to meet them and I threw it away. It was months later I was in the bathroom and one of the drawers wouldn’t close all the way. I pulled it out to see what was stopping it and there was the complete manual stuffed under the drawer. So I read it.

Right on the first page was a disclaimer stating that the techniques in the manual were covert and deceitful, that a man should never use them on a woman he wants a relationship with, only women he wanted to bed for a night. So the author had some morals and boundaries, but was rather naive to think that a guy who would use the techniques to seduce a woman would have the moral fibre to not use them on a woman he wants to see more of. But that is beside the point. The point is, there are sites out there that offer this information, whether a psychopath/narcissist studies up on how to manipulate women or comes by it naturally, I don’t know. But any man who would utilize the information has got to have some serious issues with respecting women and setting moral boundaries.

How would a man hypnotize a woman without her knowing it? there are many ways apparently, subliminal messages, putting them into a trance, power of suggestion. The main components of hypnotizing someone is; isolation, relaxation, repetition, trust. Remember the many hours you spent with the narcissist/psychopath staring into each others eyes, his voice soft and almost trance inducing? how he repeated over and over how much he loved you, how you were soul mates, how at first you weren’t event that attracted to him but over time you couldn’t live without him?

I remember part of the manual talked about stroking the palm of the woman’s hand in circles  while repeating something, so that whenever you did the same thing or said the same thing she would automatically want sex with you and not even know why herself.

When a person goes to a  professional hypnotist show, say in Vegas, the hypnotist can get people to cluck like chickens at the snap of their fingers but at the of the show he reverses the trance he put the volunteers in so that they don’t spend their lives acting like a chicken every time someone snaps their fingers. But what if someone had the ability to hypnotize you to love them and want to have sex with them and never reversed the spell they cast on you?  The only way you would be able to break that spell or control they have over you would be to have no contact with them. Right?

As with most victims of a narcissist I broke us with James many times; I am sure you can relate when I say, I was determined to never go back, he had done it this time, this time he had crossed every boundary and there was no way I could ever go back. But the phone would ring and when I answered and heard his soft, sensual voice call me Babe, all my resolve would fly out the window. Or I would run into him somewhere and think, “He’s not even that good looking, I don’t even know why I was attracted to him. I am safe to talk to him, he can’t get to me any more.” But within minutes of being in his company all my resolve would have melted away and I was putty in his hands again. I often felt I was under some sort of spell because it didn’t make sense, it was like I had no control over my logical, rational mind.

I am not saying that all narcissists hypnotize their victims, but I am saying it could be possible for someone to do that to an unsuspecting victim if they wanted to control them. And is it not conceivable that a narcissist is so adept at manipulation that he inadvertently developed the ability to hypnotize people without even really knowing that is what he is doing? Call it hypnotize, mind control, brainwashing; it is all the same thing, it is mind control, making a person do what you want them to without them knowing you are doing it. It is used daily in advertising, the army uses it, people use it to quit smoking, get over phobias, etc. It is nothing new.

It is much easier to hypnotize someone who is willing and open to it and most of us would have been sitting ducks for the covert narcissist looking for his next victim.

I know that during my time with James he had some control over me, how he did it, I am not certain, but I do know this, it was only when I was in contact with him that I lost control of my own feelings and actions so I chose to stay away and with time grew afraid of the power he once had over me. Even now I have no desire to “test” myself to see if he still has the power to make me go against everything I know to be true.

Society is reluctant to believe believe the victim of a psychopath could be hypnotized or brainwashed, it sounds so sensationalized and theatric; not something that could happen to an everyday person like them. I think that is why the victims of abuse have such a hard time being believed or finding someone who is sympathetic to their pain. Everyone wants to believe that it could never happen to them, that the victim must be to blame in some way for their own abuse. To accept that a person could be hypnotized, brainwashed, controlled in some way against their will or without their knowledge is a very scary concept and would make everyone vulnerable to the evils of the world.

Patty Hearst is a famous case of a victim saying they were brainwashed and society refusing to accept that defense.  Now I know that I would not have robbed banks for James but I did accept a lot of activities I would not have prior to meeting him, which was totally out of character for me.

I am not saying that all victims of abuse have been hypnotized or that all abusers are narcissists or psychopaths either. I think there are many reasons why a person may end up being abused and just as many reasons why an abuser is an abuser; that is a topic for another post.

I only present this angle as an explanation as to why some victims find it so hard to break away from the narcissist and again, why no contact is so vital to the victim’s recovery.

While researching this possibility I came across something else very interesting called the Halo Effect, you can watch the video on it here which is also a form of mind control if a person knows about it. The narcissist definitely uses it to his advantage, whether he realizes fully what he is doing or not it is always part of the narcissist’s tactic to hook his victims. It goes a long way  to explain why we stick around even after their mask drops.

Tell me what you think in the comments below.

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23 thoughts on “Put A Spell On You

  1. Why not? I think your theory has traction. If Hitler to mesmerize an entire nation into murdering innocents for him, I think it entirely possible these people could do the same to us. I’ve read of Patty Hearst’s ordeal, and I think she is 100% telling the truth! I believe her totally!

    You’re right…when I met my psycho, I wasn’t that attracted to him, but I felt sorry for him! Big mistake! Later on, I didn’t think I could live without him! I have no doubt he spent those early weeks grooming me to love him. Now it’s like ‘What was I thinking?’ LOL. Good post GF!

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    • I cannot beleive how this is right on.Everything described here is my life with a narcissist for 7 years.I have been out of the relationship for 3 and Hve had zero contact in the last 8 months.It’s only been in this short 8 months that I have asked myself “what the hell happened to me’.It was like I was under a spell and this just answered my ???…I was.Thankyou

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  2. gosh when i watched the video about the halo effect this is exactly what my narc did he is a salesman by job and had loads of books on how to come across successful how to be a success he also had that book how to win friends and influence people plus a lot of paul mckenna books about mind control there was one that said how to get what you want so many others when we were in public he would be such a enthusiastic happy looking person show off to his peers he said he was proud to have such a beautiful wife he was so lucky everything in his life is about looking good to others always looking for approval he always said he is the best goes on about how big his mucsles are they arent big by the way looks like an aging scrawny man to me he obviously sees something different everything is about looks for him he admitted he only married me for my looks behind closed doors he was a miserable control freak who always blamed me why on earth did i let this idiot have control i was always massaging his ego it is like they put a spell on us they do seem demonic i think because i found him out to not be the successful person he thought he left me to try and pretend with someone else very interesting post carrie xxx

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    • only me you mentioning hitler i always said it was like living with hitler to him he even has austrian roots maybe hes related oh well xxx

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    • Kim, it is interesting when we look back at little things the N said that gave him away and we ignored it. in the beginning James had said something to me about surrounding himself with successful people because you can use them to get ahead in life. I thought he just chose his words poorly but in retrospect he used everyone who crossed his path. I was the respectable, honest, upstanding citizen he needed to hide behind while he did his covert activities and I was his staunch supporter, always defending him against “false” accusations. I truly believed he was totally honest and trustworthy, and my impassioned defense of him worked and he got away with so much. I feel stupid now and like I was an accomplice but I truly believed what I was saying at the time.
      He worked for a company whose tagline was “image is everything” and he loved that!! because that is what he felt, it was all about image, not the truth; as long as things looked good he didn’t care about how things really were. We lived in hell holes and I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t want to live some place better, we had fights over it and I finally moved out and got a better place on my own. (of course then he followed) but while living in the dump i would hear him bragging about the great place we lived and wonder where the hell he was talking about, were we even living in the same place? His mother called it being resilient and positive; I call it delusional and really scary.

      I had never been a gullible person before I met him, I was raised by a very cynical prison guard but james had me drinking the koolaid and loving it!

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      • carrie they are all creating a false image of sucess while underneath they use and destroy everthing in their path he also said what yours did he only wants to mix with successful people the manipulation is so subtle and ruthless we dont know its happening they end up making you feel worthless im working on trying to find inner strenghth as you have carrie thankyou xxx

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        • Kim, the thing that really got me in the end was I compromised on so many things, rationalized so many of my standards and principles just trying to survive. For example driving a car that wasn’t insured because I needed to work and he would have spent the money for insurance. I never in a million years would have driven without insurance. in fact I remember years ago getting to work and realizing my insurance ran out at midnight the night before. I had a girl from work drive me to get my insurance and back to work because I wouldn’t drive as far as the insurance office without insurance. But with james it became common place that our vehicles never had proper insurance. I had found it strange when we first started dating that he made a point of telling me that he had two vehicles and they were both insured. I had thought “Yeah, so?” like what’s the big deal?
          After we split and he was driving my car and the insurance ran out on it and I was begging him to take it out of my name and he said, “I would never think of driving it uninsured so you don’t have to worry about that.” I thought “Who the hell do you think you are talking to?” But I knew his new woman was probably standing right there and he was playing the part of the honest, trustworthy small town Saskatchewan boy who would never think of breaking the law.” I knew he was probably telling her that I was the one who always drove the uninsured vehicles.
          That’s what got me most, the way he twisted the facts and accused me of all the things he did!
          I wanted to defend myself so badly but I knew it was useless and that was the hardest part, to just let it go and realize that people who really knew me would know the truth and the rest weren’t worth my time.

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          • they get us doing things that are against our principles he was caught for speeding and convinced me to put the points on my license because it would jeopordise his job and they would go in a few years this makes me disgusted to this day it was worded in such a way it sounded reasonable i think they are insincere and pull us along too he forged my dads signature for something too so many things that were underhand but we know we are not like this especially when theyre gone i know what you mean defending ourselves becomes fruitless so we gave in he tries to tell me how to feel according to him i should forget he abused me then we can be good friends noooo i dont think so not so gullable anymore he always had to have posh cars bigger houses i never knew until too late he was in dept up to his eyeballs they are liars carrie we are definately better without them we dont have to defend ourselves or put up with their dodgy dealings we are genuine sincere people with feelings and conciences thankyou carrie xxx

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  3. I’m currently writing my story, Carrie and intend to publish. I’ve used the word ‘bewitched’ to describe the way I fell under the control of my ex. It certainly does feel like a spell when you’re in it. I’m 6 months no contact and fighting for my money back from the house we bought together. It’s going to take two years before the court hearing comes up in Europe. He still has control over me in this respect but, otherwise, I see much more clearly now I’m away from him. When you’re with them you spend ALL your time trying and trying to make things better, hoping to get to the bottom of what’s going wrong, doing your very best to make him see how much you love him. But, of course, your best is never going to be good enough. Anybody’s best is never going to be good enough. They keep you under the spell for as long as you have something they want.

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    • Cx2, you are right, it is not until we are no contact that we start to see clearly again and no one is ever good enough, you can never dance fast enough to make them happy. When your book is published, let me know and I will promote it here.
      Good luck with the book!

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  4. My son use to call my X N the hypnotic frog. Obviously he knew that my XN has abused me so hated him but he also couldn’t see how I was attracted to him. Yes initially I didn’t think he was that attractive but really the first night I spent hours talking with him I walked away feeling like I had found someone so wonderful. I remember him also telling me he looked up ways to influence people, that’s how his business kept going – through b/s-ing people. I am very over my X – I see the light of day but I also would not allow him to get anywhere near me. Once they know you, they can still push some buttons. They have an uncanny ability to play with peoples minds. Viruses really. Never really accomplished anything real in their lives other than to suck others dry. I now don’t see what I ever saw in him, not just physically but who he is. Very interesting take on all of this and yes I agree, people who have never experienced this kind of control and abuse just cannot understand how the dynamic occurs and how insidious these characters are. Being duped is the worst feeling out of all this for me.

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    • Vanessa, it amazes me the people who get sucked in by them over and over again. James’s step dad knew he was trouble right from the get go and even kicked James out of the house for stealing from him. When James and I were together he helped me to leave and he knew what James was like but had to be careful to upset James’s mother. Yet I knew recently he set me up and told James where I am living. I know he would never purposely do something to hurt me but it has been a few years since we talked and who knows what James has told him. He has obviously been drinking the poison again. That really surprises me because he is not a stupid man but I was not stupid either but he sure duped me and the next woman and every woman that came before me, every boss he had. I can not believe he has never gone to jail, he always manages to talk his way out of things and come out smelling like a rose. my son’s hates him with a passion but he got duped by him also. In order to get me to come back to him he told us he had been given 6 months to live and apologized to my son for everything he had ever done wrong and was so convincing my son forgave him and made ever effort to make him feel welcome back into the family. my son said to me that it was like the weight of the world off his shoulders to get a genuine apology from James. Later I asked James why he had lied and he said, “I said what I had to say to get you back.”

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  5. This is very true , when I met my X he is a boxing coach and all the young girls fell over themselves to be with him, he was charming and boy like with his smile and innocence , yet the truth about him was totally the opposite, he liked the look at me and I’m better than everyone else and liked to be able to have the pretty girls so his mates would be jealous , I don’t know how he does it as I look back af think he was boring had nothing else to talk about but boxing and his achievements, my friends keep saying he isn’t anything to look at ( he was seriously over weight when I met him but didn’t see it until looking at pics later on ) but since we have split he has been into this heavy training regime and has lost 3 stone which has obviously furled the narc traits even more !
    Even knowing all of this I have gone back time after time after time , when I know the things he’s done to me , the manipulation he’s done to get away with stuff and have me believe I am crazy and paranoid .. Even when I have given ‘another’ chance within a week he starts with his sulking , game playing , manipulation and wanting his own way .. It is hard to get away as I still have that ‘aww he maybe means it this time whenever I listen to him and give him yet another go knowing full well it won’t ever change as he doesn’t want a relationship he wants a puppet to manipulate making him feel cosy whilst he’s off doing whatever with whoever !!
    Reading these posts have helped me no end to and have been a good wake up call , so thank you ladies and well done for staying strong xx

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    • Kerry, I have been there, I don’t know how many times I went back to James. Read my reply to Vanessa above; he even told me he had been given 6 months to live and talked me into moving 3 provinces away with him and the minute I was reliant on him again he went back to his old ways and the abuse was SO much worse.
      Stay strong!!! they never change ever!!

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  6. Oh yes, they definitely know how to control your mind. They are master manipulators and liars…everything they say and do is highly calculated. I noticed the manipulation got really bad when I was starting to catch on to my narcissist ex….more isolation, more lies, more insecurities and fear instilled in me. It was insidious and I’m so glad I got out from under him!

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    • Vogue, good for you for getting away!! the abuse always gets worse and worse. I used to think “He can’t hurt me any more than he has” and he always found a way. I knew if I stayed I was going to die, either at his hand or mine. I was already dead inside.

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  7. I agree with this as well. I had people telling me left and right that I was not myself when I was with him. Only after I took myself away from him for over a month with no contact could I see what had been going on. It was literally as if I had been in some sort of spell and those are the exact words I used. I have no doubt that if I ran into him, despite my anger toward him, he could still charm in some way. After reading this, Carrie, I feel like you gave me insight into why I am so afraid at the thought of running into him. I know he had control over me, knew how to make me smile and laugh, but also how to stab my heart with a word or look. I too am afraid of that power and that it may still be there even now.

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    • Jen, when he showed up where I worked about a year and 1/2 after we split I thought I could resist anything he used to get to me. I knew exactly what he was and he had hurt me so badly and sabotaged my vehicles etc. I KNEW all of that and was just curious to hear what lies he would spew this time, but I talked to him for a couple of hours and by the time we parted ways I could feel myself sliding right back into his web. Thank God I found the strength to run away and go no contact again. I like to think he would never get to me again, I think I would kill myself before I would ever go back to him. I feel very strong but after the control he had over me I don’t want to test it.

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  8. I loved this post. I have wondered many times if my ex N was doing spells on me. Even now when I have been no contact for three months there are days when I swear I can feel him calling out to me.
    I also was not attracted to my N at first. But after hours spent lovingly gazing into each other’s eyes and his constant devotion and love, he became the most attractive man I had ever known. I would stare at him every day thinking that he was so handsome.
    I also know that there is absolutely no way that I have the strength to see him or hear his voice. I say I don’t know what what happen if I bumped into him but I think I really do know. I would hug him and not want to let go. I think mind control is totally possible. We should all be so proud that we got away! How strong we are! Hugs to all!

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    • It’s a Miracle, you are wise to not take a chance, I did, as I said in the comment above and I shudder to think what would have happened had I allowed myself to fall prey to him again. They are pure evil! We have every right to be very proud of how strong we are, it shows really strength of character to break away from these parasites.

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