Physical Scars vs Emotional Scars

I finally was able to upgrade my phone yesterday so now I have a camera again! yippee!!

I didn’t want to transfer all my information over to my new phone so was manually going through my pics and documents and transferring them over to my laptop. There were documents dating back to 2012 and I came across a post I was working on. In the post I was talking about Kato being sick and taking him to the vet because he was crying in pain for no apparent reason. The vet had told me to keep him comfortable, his time days were numbered. I started to sob…I had totally forgotten that time, I remember he got sick and I remember being concerned for him but I was still hurting so much myself and just had my 2nd heart attack I guess it just got shoved into the back of my mind. But what it showed me is how easily we can bring back emotional pain. It is like years later you can recall emotional pain at the drop of a hat.

But as any woman who has had a child knows, physical pain is not the same, we can remember it hurt like hell but we don’t relive that pain, if we did we would probably all stop at one child. What we do remember from child birth is how we felt, how we felt when we held them for the first time, the fear of the baby having something wrong the relief when it was fine but we don’t relive the physical pain.

When my first husband had his motorcycle accident he was in horrible pain, yet he got back on a motorcycle as soon as he was able. I on the other hand had witnessed his suffering, i experienced the pain of watching him in pain and experienced the fear of him dying, and I have never been on a motorcycle again since.

When James hit me, he punched me closed fist in the head, threw me against the wall, choked me and i don’t recall feeling any pain; but the fear, the things he said, the loathing in his eyes; I remember those like they happened yesterday. I was never beaten like some women, so when I say what I am about to say, I am only speaking from my experience and anyone who disagrees can speak up. But it seems to me it is the emotional abuse that causes the real deep scars, it is the emotions attached to the physical abuse that we struggle with. Yes I used to have nightmares where I am trying to get away from him and he is trying to kill me, but again that is a “feeling”, an emotion. The point I am trying to make is how ridiculous it is for people to think that just because there are no bruises, or physical abuse the victim was not really abused or should get over it quicker when it is the emotional abuse that causes the deepest and longest lasting scars. I am not minimizing the physical abuse that women have suffered, but bones heal and black eyes fade and when people see them they can’t help but believe you are being abused. When the abuse is hidden the victim has far less sympathy, the narcissist can deny it more easily and make her sound crazy and the victim feels they have no “excuse” to not “just get better”. If you have a broken leg it is pretty obvious you have to take the time to let it heal. Even the victims who were physically abused are expected to heal as fast as their physical wounds, once the bruises fade and the bones knit and all physical evidence has disappeared they are expected to “get over it. You are safe now you should be happy”.

i don’t think about the emotional pain much, i don’t cry over it hardly ever, i can’t remember the last time. Then today i answered a question about narcissism on Quora and a fellow who professes to be a narcissist said I was mistaking psychopathy for narcissism. i asked him to explain because I never want to pass along misinformation.  Read my next post, Psychopath vs Narcissist, to read the whole conversation, I have just posted his last paragraph here.

“The narcissist is conscious of the dangers in life, and will only in extreme situations be as dangerous as a psychopath. On an emotional level he may cause as much, maybe even more hurt, because he is unaware of what he does, and in extreme cases unaware of the feelings of the other party. Where the psychopath absolutely is aware, but just does’t care.

For the ‘victim there is no difference in terms of hurt. But i feel – being a victim myself – that it is good to know if you are a victim of someone who doesn’t know better and actually will be sorry, or someone who does not care. 
And people conclude to easily that narcissists just like psychopaths do not care, because they lack empathy. That of course is nonsense. The lack of empathy does not automatically mean a complete lack of empathy and absence of the brain. Where a psychopath also lacks remorse, that is not the case with a narcissist. Explained to him or her, a narcissist absolutely can be sincerely sorry for what he has done, and even sincerely cry over it”

When I read “a narcissist absolutely can be sincerely sorry for what he has done, and even sincerely cry over it” I started to cry. I hadn’t realized until that moment how much I want him to be sorry, to know what he did to me and be sorry. Everyone is different, but that is what bothers me still obviously.

I am ok with him not loving me, that never was the real issue, sure I would have been hurt had he just said, “Look, I thought I loved you but I really don’t, I don’t want to be faithful and I want you to go away.” I would have. I would have been hurt, maybe angry but I would have accepted it and moved on. I wouldn’t have begged him, stayed for 10 years bending myself into a pretzel. I could even accept that he was confused as to whether he loved me or not, not being able to be faithful for whatever reason, I have dated guys I really wanted to love, nice guys who loved me; but it just wasn’t there for me. I am a big girl, I don’t expect every guy to fall in love with me or everyone I love to love me back. I don’t even care if he is happy with his new woman, more power to him. I know I could never be happy with him so he might as well find someone who can. I am really ok with everything. I accept he sabotaged my truck so I couldn’t work, ok it was sick and shitty and he even told me at one point that he was afraid that as soon as he fixed my truck I would leave. (He had told me he wanted me to leave what else was I supposed to do, keep living with him?) OK so he was fucked up and couldn’t figure out what he wanted. I accept that. I am so good about it all I surprise myself.

What made me cry was the thought of him ever being truly sorry. I want him to be sorry and I cried like a baby. I am ok now. I just found it interesting that, that was the thing that made me cry, out of all the things he did, all the shit he put me through. How could any human being NOT be sorry for putting someone through the hell he put me through? and that can still make me sad. and the fact that he is still intent on making my life hell proves he isn’t sorry and he hasn’t changed or learned anything, that he really is evil and soulless and that makes me sad. Even though I have researched narcissists and psychopaths for 5 years and I have heard such horrendous horror stories from hundreds of people there is still this little part of me that wants them to be sorry, some sign that there is any kind of heart or humanity buried deep inside them. Some shred of decency or caring.

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20 thoughts on “Physical Scars vs Emotional Scars

  1. Pingback: Psychopath vs Narcissist | Ladywithatruck's Blog

  2. T00tired

    The alcoholic bi-polar narc in my life says he’s sorry all the time, and can cry real good! I used to think it was all part of his game to keep me confused until he was diagnosed with BPD and other as yet undetermined personality disorders. Now it’s even more confusing. Is he really sick? Or just an arsehole? Can he control what he does, or should he be responsible for the choices he makes. As for being sorry, he is always sorry. For me, what I really want is honesty. I know I don’t need it to make choices about my own life, but its the one thing I wish he could give me, the thing that really bothers me and the thing that will eventually lead me to block him out completely, even if he is ill.

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    1. Left With Nothing

      Life is full of choices we make every single day. Sometimes we make poor choices knowing they are wrong but accept the consequences, such as eating the wrong foods, smoking… The narc/socio/psycho knows, schemes and deliberatly goes out of thier way to hurt others with no remorse. They will apologize but it will never have any sincerity to it. Please don’t ever think those crocodile tears are real! They can be turned on and off like a faucet! You will never have a future with this person even being married for 20 or 30 years. You WILL be replaced and quite quickly when you have outlived your usefulness. And you will be left with nothing! If he doesn’t steal it, it will be destroyed! That is, if you get out alive.

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    2. Carrie Reimer Post author

      TOOtired, don’t we all want honesty? I used to say to James, just be honest, that’s all I want is honesty. I can handle anything as long as you are honest. It is impossible, stop, you will NOT get honesty! just put it out of your mind.
      I am going to ask you to be honest with me, does it really matter whether he has a personality disorder or he is an asshole? How does it make a difference to YOU. If he can’t help doing what he does will you continue to allow him to abuse you? but if he is “just an asshole” you will cut him off?
      Lets’ look at the facts,
      He is an alcoholic
      Borderline PD plus who knows what other PD’s
      He is always sorry but never means it
      You can not change anyone
      Wishing does not make anything true, you can wish all you like that things weren’t the way they are, but they are still the way they are.
      You only have control of yourself, only you can make the choices that you need to make to be happy.
      You can choose to continue on with your life the way things have been, you know what the future holds because you have been living it. He is not going to change except for the worst.
      Or
      You can change the way your life is, you can choose to cut the toxic asshole from your life, start to heal and who knows what the future holds but it’s gotta be better and you are in control of your future. You can make it whatever you want it to be.

      To continue to have him in your life in any form is toxic to you. You know he is toxic, you can no longer blame him or anyone else, you are now choosing to be a victim of abuse. Sorry, I know that is a hard one to take, I had to do it and I choked on it. But that is the facts, if you want to keep him in your life then you have to stop complaining about it, accept that this is going to be the rest of your life and deal with it.
      In order to stop being the victim you must remove him from your life.
      There are only two choices available to you. you can’t say “But I want him to just be honest.’ No that is not a choice because he can’t be honest.
      “But I just wish……” Nope that is not a choice either because wishing only works in fairy tales.
      “But he promised.” Nope sorry that one doesn’t work either because you already admitted he lies about being sorry so he will lie about his promises too.
      There are only two choices, life with him or life without him.

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  3. threekidsandi

    I agree with you, the terror cut me deeper than the bruising, but I suppose it all depends on the type of injuries you sustain. I met some who had it far worse than I. They might feel differently.

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      ThreekidsandI, there are women who have suffered horrible disfiguring injuries at the hands of their abuser and I certainly wouldn’t want to diminish what they have gone through but I think when it comes right down to it, it is the mental/emotional abuse that keeps women in the relationship and I think that given enough time all emotional abuse will eventually lead to physical abuse. I also think that abusers can be sent to anger management and learn to not be physically abusive because they know it will end them up in jail but that doesn’t mean they ever stop being emotionally abusive. I believe that ALL victims are emotionally and mentally abused and that is not taken into consideration by society nor the damage it does,

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  4. kim

    he didnt hit me but somrtimes i wish he did rather than the mental physcological controlling abuse thats just how i felt trying to keep him away is hard he tries to be friendly then gets angry that i havent contacted him he says hes waiting forever he is completely unempathetic about what hes done still is cruel about my illness still is not human carrie he has said hes sorry many times with no sicerity i actually dont care for him saying sorry it makes me angry it is an insult to me to hear this they never mean it even if you want them to im afraid they dont feel the way we do their mind is that of a 5 year old havent got through that emotional state thats what i think anyway i do believe they have no true feelings they just want the world to revolve around them i am trying to take control of my own life but its a slow process but will do it things arent going his way its killing him i wont see him thats a small step forward you are right there are triggers for our emotions we feel and they dont great post carrie xxx

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Kim, you will get there, you are further along than you realize. If you could cut all contact i know you would see a huge difference!! I finally got to the point where I just did not respond at all to anything. He ramped it up for a period of time but eventually he had to give up because he wasn’t getting anything out of it. No response = no supply. even if you only respond one out of 10 times, he will try 11 times thinking eventually you will breakdown and respond and as long as he can get you to respond he is still in control and will do what he can to stay in control.
      I KNOW it is hard, I do!! but eventually I got so sick of feeling bad I would go to respond and ask myself, “What do you expect? what good will come out of talking to him? Will you accomplish anything good? Will you feel good? will it help you?” and I had to answer myself with nothing good ever comes from talking to him.
      I still struggle with the fact that he just doesn’t care, because we all want to believe there is some good in everyone if you dig deep enough. I have always thought that. Until James. I don’t want to believe he is that evil, I have to though because its the facts and to believe otherwise is just too dangerous and a waste of my precious time. The clock is ticking, and i don’t have time to waste on an asshole who will never feel. Do you?
      HUgs my friend:)

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      1. kim

        you are right i dont have time or the inclination to feed his ego anymore he is playing the friend again but im not playing now ive had enough my health is so bad thats what i should sort out as best i can and to enjoy my daughter while shes with me thankyou carrie xxx

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  5. jappy531

    Mine knew how to elbow me, accidentally break fingers, turn over in his sleep and whack me in the face, and head butt me into a life and death ordeal. Not a single apology, no responsibility and in the operating room was angry I taped a picture of my child on my arm and not his. While he sat in the waiting room with my family, he turned on the tears of hysteria so that others would pity him. When I was taken to CCU after brain surgery, he called me a F’ing bitch for not recognizing him as I was taken off life support. Does that sound like someone who feels sorry some of the time, ever? When he fakes empathy, the real tears turn on like a waterfall.
    I read that this morning and wondered if I had been married to a psychopath….since the narcissist sounded like an okay person. I find more info from people who have suffered as I have and have not been able to find anyone professional to help me locally because it’s a subject they don’t like to mess with. When I told my husband to get help he went, just to shut me up. But two therapist later, they were putty in his hands. Surprisingly, only one person understood because he disagreed with him and witnessed the vile attitude and total change in character, and that was his own lawyer at our divorce. (a few months ago)
    Sorry for the rant. A friend of mine last week told me to just get over it. I cried and cried that night. Unless this has happened to you, there is no way to explain the emotional damage people like this do…..all for the fun of it.
    I am a butterfly with her wings plucked off, left an emotional & financial degraded mess while he eats a steak dinner forging my name to things. Spite based on lies to himself. He tortures me because I abandoned him for no reason.
    Yet I don’t hate him. I miss the dream I hoped for so bad.

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Jappy, you miss the hope, you were hooked on the possibility, the “if onlys”, you loved the way he lied. I used to pray he would tell me a lie any lie so I could keep lying to myself. Once we split and he was with his new woman I literally thought to myself, “I know he is an asshole and I know he hasn’t changed but now she has the hope, he is lying to her. He should be lying to ME. Now I have nothing, no hope.” and I realized how truly sad that was.
      I was willing to live on hope, knowing full well he was never going to change. I don’t hate James either, I don’t hate anyone, I think hate will destroy you from the inside out. But I refuse to live on hopeless hope either. I am a free person, free to make my life what I choose, I am free to be happy and have dreams and plan for the future and have hopes, not false hopes REAL hope for a REAL life.
      “I miss the dream I hoped for so bad.” that statement says it all. You miss the dream you hoped for. There is no REALITY in that statement. He tortures you because you stay in contact with him. Wishing can not make things different, you are NOT going to change him, he is NOT going to change. We all have to give up on some dreams, life is ever changing, it does not have to be a bad thing. many times people hang onto a dream long past the time for the dream to ever be a reality. Like a child that wants to be a movie star, it is a nice dream but if she lives her whole life dreaming of being a movie star and never even entertains the idea of being something else she will never be happy. She will spend her whole life miserable because she didn’t get to realize her dream when maybe she would have found fulfillment and happiness and made her fortune writing or as a painter or God knows what she could have been.
      It is time to stop pining for the dream you hoped for and start looking at what IS available to you, what gifts you have to offer the world, open up your mind and your eyes to all the possibilities in the world for you. He is one man, a toxic, abusive, asshole that treats you like shit and will never change, time to give up that dream, mourn the loss of that dream, find your true self and heal and find new dreams.
      I know it is not possible to “Just move on” or “just get over it” but I think where your friend is coming from is this: She is frustrated because she sees you wasting your life on a dream a hope; not a real man even. I think she would have more sympathy if she saw you trying to better yourself, doing something for others, working on YOUR issues. You can still be sad, you can still miss him but start taking steps and control of your healing.
      Do you understand what i am saying?
      I am not trying to be cruel, I am trying to help you see that you CAN heal and you CAN be happy if you allow yourself.
      Hugs

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      1. Melissa

        I said this many times today as well. I miss the hope. I miss the dream of a future and babies with this man. My “relationship” is officially over and I have never said that before. I always knew he’d come back and that I would take him back. After living with me for almost a year, rent free (in NYC no less), my N moved out in April. (We had been together for over 2 years at this point.) We had been fighting heavily for months and his alcohol/coke addiction was getting out of control again. He wouldn’t come home for days at a time and would ignore my calls/texts/e-mails. I had no idea where he was or who he was with. One night he even got arrested for starting a fight in a bar! He would always respond to friends, just never me. I had packed up his things many times and told him to leave just to retract it when he would show up, in tears, giving me some lame excuse. Even though we hadn’t had sex in a year (he blamed the stress of not passing the bar exam) I refused to believe that he was cheating. He’s admitted to cheating on every other girlfriend, including the girl he wanted to marry . When he had finally saved enough money to move out, he did. I had become increasingly clingy and needy, waking him up in the middle of the night to talk. I needed some reassurance because I knew he was going to break-up with me. Of course, he kept saying he wasn’t going to. He agreed to go to couples counseling (which never happened), that in 6 months, once he felt like a man again, we would look for a bigger place together as planned. Of course, 2 weeks later he found out he failed the bar exam for the second time and broke-up with me. Via e-mail. He told me to move on. That I deserved better. That I shouldn’t waste anymore time with him, etc. He said he didn’t want to go “radio silent” but he needed to. We still haven’t spoken. I was devastated. For weeks I would send texts and e-mails which all went unanswered. I drank heavily for a few weeks and then stopped. My head cleared. I felt happier and healthier than I had in a long time. There was no anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach. I wasn’t worrying about if he was going to be home or if he was cheating. He wasn’t occupying all my thoughts. And then, at the end of June, he began texting me again. Saying all the right things. “I fucked up, I love you, I miss you. I don’t know what was wrong with me…” Of course he wanted to come over and have sex which I refused. I told him we would talk, in person, after the July bar exam. Because I had supported him during the first two exams, I knew what he needed: space. And so the texting ceased and I didn’t initiate any contact until a few days after the exam was over. During this time, I became anxious and started drinking again. A few days after the exam I text him asking when we could talk. He ignored me. He loves to do that. Ryan had always made some lame excuse that I couldn’t follow him on instagram because he didn’t want me to be jealous over some comment a girl left or if he liked a picture of a girl etc. I rationalized it even though it made me very uncomfortable. It’s so silly how social media effects our relationships! And so, after sending several texts and voicemails, his instagram “randomly” went public. And there it was: 2 pictures of him and his new girl. I could piece together all the lies he had spun with the dates of other pictures. There was nothing on there of me. Nothing that would even show he had a girlfriend all that time. Just many pictures of my dog. I wrote him an awful e-mail essentially apologizing for ever loving him and that it was terrifying how easily he could manipulate and lie to me. I felt like he was a stranger. I asked for money I had lent him and the keys to my apartment. I then blocked him from everything which I undid and re-did several times over the course of two weeks. He ignored me. I text him. E-mailed him. Finally I requested the money (privately) on facebook and BOOM, he paid me in full! He curtly told me that he had lost my keys back in May. No apologies. No explanations. Nothing. And when I responded asking for one, he had already blocked me! I laughed because I felt so much pity for this 34 year old “man” whom I have loved unconditionally for almost 3 years. Whom I sacrificed so much for. And I felt pity for myself that I rationalized his behavior for so long and took him back every time he messed up. I’ve never lied to myself and said “it’s over” because I always knew it wasn’t. Until today. And I’m so relieved that I can begin the healing process for myself. Because I deserve that and so much more.

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        1. Carrie Reimer Post author

          Melissa, your story is so similar to mine and to so many people who come here. I did it for 10 years, we first split after about 2 years and then probably split 6 times over the course of the next 8 years. I had just gotten to the point of thinking “it’s just the way we are.” Even the last times we split I kept saying this time was it! I was not going back, deep down I didn’t think we would ever really split for good. He even said to me, “I don’t know why you get so upset, we always end up back together, I always come back to you.” and I was so sick at the time I clung to that little bit of hope until I found out he was living with some other woman and had gotten engaged.
          Oh he tried to come back to me again, i don’t know what he had in mind, a brief fling? me become the “other woman” or what; I just know it would not have been in my best interest and I found the courage or strength to walk away and go no contact. That was when I truly started to heal because as long as I had contact with him he had me on that emotional roller coaster ride from hell.
          He would message me, I would reply and then he wouldn’t reply back for days. Always taunting me, always pulling me in so he could reject me again. You can’t heal that way.
          Melissa, I didn’t know what I was dealing with for 10 years, and even when I did find Narcissist Googling the treatment i was getting I thought, “Oh yeah he has some of the traits, but we are different, he would never cheat on me, we are soul mates, we are different then the rest of these people, we really love each other.” If I commented and people told me to go no contact i thought, “They don’t understand, James and I have a special kinda of love a special connection. You don’t just walk away from a love like this.”
          I was rather embarrassed when I found out the truth, that he had been telling a bunch of women he loved them and they were soul mates and when he coldly and callously rubbed my nose in his new relationship and told me he had found the love of his life and she was nothing like me. She was calm, rational, he didn’t have to lie to her. I had made his life hell for 10 years and no man would ever want a psycho bitch like me.
          he has done everything within his power to destroy me ever since.
          Stay strong Melissa, trust me, you don’t want to do 10 or 20 years and the years fly by so fast. No matter how much you have invested in this relationship, no matter how much you love him or hope he will change; don’t waste another day on this toxic man.
          There is a bright beautiful world out there waiting for you, you just can’t see it for the black cloud of narcissism he has hanging over your life.
          We are here as moral support, baby steps, one moment at a time, you can do this, Believe me it is so worth it. YOU are worth it
          HUgs

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          1. Melissa

            Thank you, Carrie. It still hurts so badly. And of course I keep thinking, “what does she have that I don’t?” It’s so hurtful that he’s posting pictures of her after just 2 weeks and he never posted anything of me after 2 years. I had even watched him post a picture of me on Halloween and I told him that I was shocked he posted something of me! But when I saw his instagram (which he immediately made private again the next day) that picture was replaced by a group shot (excluding me); he even used the same caption! I can only reason that he made it public knowing I would see it and thus eliminating the need for a conversation. He’s such a coward. He kept me locked up at home, never inviting me anywhere or asking me to meet up when he went out. Because he was always “studying” for the bar I spent so many nights alone. I tried to stay busy with friends but it was so lonely. And because he describes himself as a “selfish asshole” he thinks it’s ok to behave this way! I felt so unattractive and gross. I stopped doing all the things I love. It was all about control. When we first started dating he kept telling me that he wanted to get me pregnant. That the idea of me carrying his child turned him on. (He text me this as recently as 6 weeks ago as well). He did get me pregnant, after only 7 weeks of dating, and he wanted me to abort. I was 31 at the time and wanted a child and so I had made the decision to keep the baby. I miscarried 9 days after confirming the pregnancy. (He had also gotten the girl he wanted to marry pregnant and she also miscarried. While miscarriages are very common, I can’t help but attribute them to his cocaine usage.) Even though I had health insurance, I got a $2000 hospital bill. He freaked out when I told him, unfriended me on facebook and told me he never wanted to hear from me again. He paid me $300 and that was it. When he moved in with me I was STILL paying off that bill and he had no recollection of it or his heartless reaction. He didn’t offer to pay more, why would he? I do think that I would have have broken things off then but the emotions and attachment to someone who was almost the father of my child bonded me to him. We also worked together so I had to see him 5 days a week. We would go a few weeks without speaking, I would feel good and then he’d act all charming again and I’d forgive his past behavior. While I was self-medicating after the miscarriage (I was even in therapy for 4 months) he began seeing another woman in our office! It was a tiny law firm, only about 20 people. I would hear them flirting as I sat at my desk crying. It was disgusting. When she found out that we were together she dumped him immediately. It’s always amazed me how quickly he forgets about his shitty behavior. This doesn’t even feel like it’s happening to me, it feels so unreal. That I lived this. I have to tell myself several times a day that I was abused. Brainwashed. Manipulated. Cheated on. Lied to. Neglected. Abandoned. I’m trying not to torture myself with the memories of the good times. I deleted most things but haven’t been able to delete our texts from immesage yet on my computer. It’s just hard to believe that he is capable of this much hurt when he showed such love other times. But then I think he was just buttering me up to cheat that weekend so I wouldn’t suspect anything, etc. And it was always words with him, very rarely actions. Ryan never put me down or blamed me for his faults which seems to differ from other narcs. Don’t get me wrong, he is a total hypocrite and had a much higher standard for my behavior than his own. It’s such a struggle to think it was all a lie. And this poor new girl. All the poor new girls who are his next victims…

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            1. kim

              melissa i did 30yrs of this got married at 21 there was controlling from the start but very subtle i thought if i have a baby i might think hes a real man he was and is a pervert he never saw this as a problem long story its on here somewhere i had a baby at 24 things became more normal until my child was 14 then the controlling got worse he cheated was aggressive made me dress in things controlled every part of me i became anxious and ill then he left i am just glad you got out now believe me i am slowly recovering my mind is stronger but it is like a bomb went off the feeling melissa it will be hard but we are better off without them good luck xxx

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              1. Melissa

                I’m so sorry for your experience, Kim. My heart goes out to all the families with narcissists in them. I am glad that you seen you’re both better off without him! For me, the shocking part now is admitting what a coward Ryan is. Like most of us, the narcs in our life say they hate drama but they create it with their behavior. We would have avoided so many arguments if he had just responded to me instead of ignoring things. But he cannot handle the emotions and so chooses to just avoid me. The silent treatment is abusive and it triggers physical pain in the body. I just seriously cannot believe that after everything I did for him, and just weeks after telling me he wanted to make it work, he would just love-bomb somebody new and offer no explanation to me. But at least I have all of my things back and he has no way back in unless I let him. Which I do not plan on doing. Here’s to better days for all of us, I wish you and your child the best! xo

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                1. kim

                  melissa we can never believe how they could do such things i know our minds go over everything and we end up realising being in a relationship was all a lie with them a bad dream but they are shallow and out for themselves now i am giving the silent treatment to him they dont like that grieving is a long process but its good to go through all the feelings and think about it is what it is and nothing can change them i am accepting now after a long time that he is a big bully melissa looking after yourself and being kind to yourself is most healing we all have really bad days and some better go with the flow i dont sleep unless i have meds so at the moment am up listening to music many nights i find it relieves the mind learning that you arent alone is a big support too i wish you luck tiny steps it will get better over time im sure if i was one of henry viiis wives that i would have had my head taken off he was a narcossist too wish you well xxx

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