I finally was able to upgrade my phone yesterday so now I have a camera again! yippee!!
I didn’t want to transfer all my information over to my new phone so was manually going through my pics and documents and transferring them over to my laptop. There were documents dating back to 2012 and I came across a post I was working on. In the post I was talking about Kato being sick and taking him to the vet because he was crying in pain for no apparent reason. The vet had told me to keep him comfortable, his time days were numbered. I started to sob…I had totally forgotten that time, I remember he got sick and I remember being concerned for him but I was still hurting so much myself and just had my 2nd heart attack I guess it just got shoved into the back of my mind. But what it showed me is how easily we can bring back emotional pain. It is like years later you can recall emotional pain at the drop of a hat.
But as any woman who has had a child knows, physical pain is not the same, we can remember it hurt like hell but we don’t relive that pain, if we did we would probably all stop at one child. What we do remember from child birth is how we felt, how we felt when we held them for the first time, the fear of the baby having something wrong the relief when it was fine but we don’t relive the physical pain.
When my first husband had his motorcycle accident he was in horrible pain, yet he got back on a motorcycle as soon as he was able. I on the other hand had witnessed his suffering, i experienced the pain of watching him in pain and experienced the fear of him dying, and I have never been on a motorcycle again since.
When James hit me, he punched me closed fist in the head, threw me against the wall, choked me and i don’t recall feeling any pain; but the fear, the things he said, the loathing in his eyes; I remember those like they happened yesterday. I was never beaten like some women, so when I say what I am about to say, I am only speaking from my experience and anyone who disagrees can speak up. But it seems to me it is the emotional abuse that causes the real deep scars, it is the emotions attached to the physical abuse that we struggle with. Yes I used to have nightmares where I am trying to get away from him and he is trying to kill me, but again that is a “feeling”, an emotion. The point I am trying to make is how ridiculous it is for people to think that just because there are no bruises, or physical abuse the victim was not really abused or should get over it quicker when it is the emotional abuse that causes the deepest and longest lasting scars. I am not minimizing the physical abuse that women have suffered, but bones heal and black eyes fade and when people see them they can’t help but believe you are being abused. When the abuse is hidden the victim has far less sympathy, the narcissist can deny it more easily and make her sound crazy and the victim feels they have no “excuse” to not “just get better”. If you have a broken leg it is pretty obvious you have to take the time to let it heal. Even the victims who were physically abused are expected to heal as fast as their physical wounds, once the bruises fade and the bones knit and all physical evidence has disappeared they are expected to “get over it. You are safe now you should be happy”.
i don’t think about the emotional pain much, i don’t cry over it hardly ever, i can’t remember the last time. Then today i answered a question about narcissism on Quora and a fellow who professes to be a narcissist said I was mistaking psychopathy for narcissism. i asked him to explain because I never want to pass along misinformation. Read my next post, Psychopath vs Narcissist, to read the whole conversation, I have just posted his last paragraph here.
“The narcissist is conscious of the dangers in life, and will only in extreme situations be as dangerous as a psychopath. On an emotional level he may cause as much, maybe even more hurt, because he is unaware of what he does, and in extreme cases unaware of the feelings of the other party. Where the psychopath absolutely is aware, but just does’t care.
For the ‘victim there is no difference in terms of hurt. But i feel – being a victim myself – that it is good to know if you are a victim of someone who doesn’t know better and actually will be sorry, or someone who does not care.
And people conclude to easily that narcissists just like psychopaths do not care, because they lack empathy. That of course is nonsense. The lack of empathy does not automatically mean a complete lack of empathy and absence of the brain. Where a psychopath also lacks remorse, that is not the case with a narcissist. Explained to him or her, a narcissist absolutely can be sincerely sorry for what he has done, and even sincerely cry over it”
When I read “a narcissist absolutely can be sincerely sorry for what he has done, and even sincerely cry over it” I started to cry. I hadn’t realized until that moment how much I want him to be sorry, to know what he did to me and be sorry. Everyone is different, but that is what bothers me still obviously.
I am ok with him not loving me, that never was the real issue, sure I would have been hurt had he just said, “Look, I thought I loved you but I really don’t, I don’t want to be faithful and I want you to go away.” I would have. I would have been hurt, maybe angry but I would have accepted it and moved on. I wouldn’t have begged him, stayed for 10 years bending myself into a pretzel. I could even accept that he was confused as to whether he loved me or not, not being able to be faithful for whatever reason, I have dated guys I really wanted to love, nice guys who loved me; but it just wasn’t there for me. I am a big girl, I don’t expect every guy to fall in love with me or everyone I love to love me back. I don’t even care if he is happy with his new woman, more power to him. I know I could never be happy with him so he might as well find someone who can. I am really ok with everything. I accept he sabotaged my truck so I couldn’t work, ok it was sick and shitty and he even told me at one point that he was afraid that as soon as he fixed my truck I would leave. (He had told me he wanted me to leave what else was I supposed to do, keep living with him?) OK so he was fucked up and couldn’t figure out what he wanted. I accept that. I am so good about it all I surprise myself.
What made me cry was the thought of him ever being truly sorry. I want him to be sorry and I cried like a baby. I am ok now. I just found it interesting that, that was the thing that made me cry, out of all the things he did, all the shit he put me through. How could any human being NOT be sorry for putting someone through the hell he put me through? and that can still make me sad. and the fact that he is still intent on making my life hell proves he isn’t sorry and he hasn’t changed or learned anything, that he really is evil and soulless and that makes me sad. Even though I have researched narcissists and psychopaths for 5 years and I have heard such horrendous horror stories from hundreds of people there is still this little part of me that wants them to be sorry, some sign that there is any kind of heart or humanity buried deep inside them. Some shred of decency or caring.