I remember being a kid and whining to my parents that time was going by too slowly and them telling me, “Enjoy it while you can, just wait until you’re an adult, time will fly by and you’ll want it to slow down.” I couldn’t imagine how time could ever go too fast. I have spent most of my life wishing it away.
I think many of us are guilty of either wishing things wouldn’t change or wishing things would change; always wanting to slow time down, go back in time or speed time up because then we would have what we need to be happy.
I know I look back and think, “If I could go back I would do things differently” but in life we don’t get to call “DO OVER!!” Once it is done it is done. No point in crying over it or wishing it was different because no amount of dwelling, wishing, obsessing about the past is going to change it.
And we worry about the future and the things that “might” happen. “What if I meet another narcissist?” “How can I ever trust a guy again?” “I am so old I will never find love”. “How will the kids survive without their father in their life?” “How will I support myself?”, “What if he tries to get me back?” “What if he doesn’t try to get me back?”
Or we put living off until………………
“Once I get that promotion I will be able to relax and enjoy my life” “If he would just appreciate me I would be happy.” or “If he was honest I could be happy.” or “What if he is happy with the new woman?” or “What if it was my fault?”
We spend so much time in the past and in the future and thinking about the “what if’s” there isn’t any time for the present and we miss what is happening right now, under our noses, blessings we can’t see or appreciate because we are so consumed with things we have no control over.
So what if it was your fault? You can’t change the past. If you are so concerned about whether it was your own fault or not; figure out what you did wrong and correct it so you don’t do it next time. What’s that you say? He did what? and then he did what? but you still think it was your fault. No? well then why are you worrying about it being your fault? If there is no way you could have changed that would have made him happy, why are you wasting your today thinking about it?
What if he is happy with the new woman? How is that going to affect YOUR life? the relationship with him is over, you have to accept that and eventually heal and move on. Sure it would hurt your ego a bit if he found happiness with someone else but other than that how does obsessing about it help you? or change things for you? As far as I can tell the only thing thinking about how happy he is is going to do is make you unhappy. I think it is quite possible James will spend the rest of his life with his new woman. She had money, she didn’t work and never has and has always spent her life catering to the man in her life, she had no children he had to share her with, no pets either, I have no idea how much she is willing to put up with, how naive she is, maybe she has endless amounts of cash to keep him happy.
All I DO know is, I had to work, I didn’t have endless amounts of cash, I did have a child I loved and wanted to spend time with, I wasn’t naive and I did figure out he was cheating and I was miserably unhappy and I was sacrificing my core beliefs and values in order to keep him in my life and it was killing me. I could never have given him what she can or has. It is not a didn’t want to, it is a fact! I could not give him what he wanted, it doesn’t make me a bad person, it is just facts. He set out to meet a certain type of woman and he found what he was looking for and if I would have been able to choose a woman for him it would have been her. As for him being the man for her I sincerely doubt it but that is not my problem or concern. I have no doubt I was NOT the woman for him, so to spend one minute worrying about whether he is happy or not is wasting very precious time.
My parents were right, time is speeding up at a phenomenal rate; I often feel like a kid on one of those merry-go-rounds and it’s going too fast, the scenery is whizzing past a blur in front of my eyes and it’s making me dizzy. I didn’t want to jump off, I’m having fun, but I sure the hell wish someone would slow it down a bit. Sometimes I even stick my feet down and dig my heels in trying to slow it down but all that does is make a lot of dust.
I spent the day cleaning at my son’s yesterday. It’s an almost 3 hour drive up there, I made a Shepherd’s Pie for supper and took it up with me because he hasn’t been feeling well and that is his favorite supper. I cleaned and he came home from work and had invited a friend and his mom over to join us for supper. I had only made a big Shepherd’s Pie and nothing else, there probably should have been a salad or something with it but “Oh well” I am perfectly imperfect these days and it was a damn good Shepherd’s Pie. One of my son’s roomies ate with us also. I got to know her a bit better while I was there alone cleaning and I really like her. She has had her shit to deal with in life, she is struggling with decisions and which fork to take at the crossroads of life. The mother of his friend is a very nice lady only a few years younger than me and who is going through exactly what all of you have gone through. I told her exactly how the relationship had gone from the beginning and I think she was a little surprised I knew. I hope she comes by for a visit. She is just starting her journey and we all know how broken a person feels in the first few weeks.
My son and I had a few good laughs sharing stories from his youth and his buddy asked me if my son actually had been a pastor. I told him, “You bet! he could have married people.” The buddy hadn’t believed my son because he certainly doesn’t act like a “pastor” or look the part with his tattoos from his fingertips to his ear lobes. My son is a very complex combination of interests, talents, experiences, and I look at him with awe. (as many of you know I am very proud of my boy) what i find truly inspiring about him is he has had some truly horrible things happen in his life, some traumatic, disturbing shit that could have put him into total despair, shit that many men twice his age would have crumbled under the weight of, but he always learns from it and goes on with life a better person for it. He can be totally pissed off at someone, justifiably pissed off, and tell the person exactly how he feels and totally put it behind him and go on with living. He has an immense capacity for forgiveness, he has a great sense of humor and he respects other people. He does what he can to help who he can. Once in a while he will get overwhelmed and at those times I worry about him but I have learned to let it go and trust that he is 31 and made it this far and he will make it through whatever is happening in his life now. I used to worry myself into full blown panic attacks over him and what might happen and in every single case what I was worrying about never came to be. I helped him when I could and the times I couldn’t help he found a way on his own, so I gave up feeling guilty if I couldn’t help and now I give to him when I can with what I have and that dinner last night was perfect. It was what I could give at this time. He taught me a valuable lesson a few years back that I shared last night at dinner. I had asked him what he favorite childhood memory was. I was sure I knew what it would be, it would be the trip to Disneyland I was able to take him on. To me, taking my kid to Disneyland was symbolic of being a successful parent. I had arrived at the summit of parenthood and achieved the crowning glory! So I knew exactly what he was going to say was his favorite memory.
He didn’t hesitate in the least and said, “When you bought me that Louieville Slugger baseball bat that was so heavy I couldn’t lift it and you tried to teach me how to hit a baseball in that tiny yard at the lake.” I was shocked. But you know what kids remember? They remember the time you took with them.
While we sat at the table last night reminiscing we laughed about things we once had cried over, with time they have become cherished memories, life lessons, part of the past that makes us who we are but doesn’t define us in the present or the future.
My son talked me into staying the night instead of driving home in the dark so I slept on the couch. His roomie brought me a pillow and a blanket and showed me how the remote worked, my son gave me a kiss goodnight and said, “I love you Mom. thank for supper.”
I had pains behind my shoulder like I had with my last heart attack. My heart has been acting up lately, on Monday I did a landscaping job, it was a big job and it was hot, I know I over did it but am thankful for the money. It concerned me a bit last night because I was getting that congestion in my lungs again and not had that since I had heart failure. I took my meds, not much else I can do. My point is, if I would have died last night I would have died happy and at peace, with the one person who means the most to me and not with someone who doesn’t give a shit about me, enjoyed making me sad and encouraged me to kill myself.
As I snuggled down on the couch, unable to sleep I was thinking how perfect life was at that moment. I had just spent the night in lively conversation with my boy and his friends eating a dinner I was able to prepare, in a house he had paid me to clean. My past experiences made it possible for me to be able to relate to the roomie and the friend’s mom and I think I was able to help her a little bit with what she is facing right now. She said she was happy we had met and that people are brought into your life for a reason and I believe that also. I was able to show her that yes you will survive and get past this even though you feel broken now.
And you will too. If you knew you were going to die in a year, would you want to spend the last year of your life wishing things were different, worrying about the future, wishing people would change so you could be happy? Would you want to spend that year with a man who loathes you and has no empathy for you (and undoubtedly would be a total prick if you were dying); or would you want to spend it with the people who love and appreciate you doing nice things for them and enjoying lively conversation?
Life goes by too fast to allow the bullshit to occupy real estate in your mind, stop focusing on the bullshit narcissist so there is more room for the positive things available to you.