The narcissist has this ability to just DELETE people, history, promises, commitments,…. well almost anything he chooses and feels he has a right to hit “refresh” if he realizes maybe he didn’t mean to hit delete, not yet anyway.
When you have a delete button you never have to worry about making mistakes. There is no “type” of person a narcissist dates; everyone is fair game to a narcissist. In most cases they are undetectable in a crowded room or from casual conversation so they pretend to be whatever the woman wants because he will be deleting them at some point anyway.
What he’s looking for changes with the person he is with, or his situation at the time, for example; if he is bored, happens to go into a bar and sees a woman, like James did with me, if he feels playful he might try his hand at winning her over, just to pass the time. With James and I, he gave me his phone number and asked me to call him if my date didn’t work out, he had such a sweet way about him, I called. He even told me much later in the relationship that his intention had been to screw me and dump me. But he fell in love. awwwww how sweet.
I didn’t know when I met him that he was seeing someone else, I asked if he was sleeping with anyone, because I didn’t have sex with a man unless it was monogamous; he swore he hadn’t been with anyone in 6 months or more. He seemed to be so honest, I believed him. Much later I found out he had been seeing a woman and when he started seeing me he dumped her. She had been calling, (I remember his phone ringing and him not answering it but I was complimented by that, he wasn’t on his phone when I was around, that’s a good thing, right?) and leaving notes on his vehicle and he would rush out to get the note before I came outside and saw it. He even had me answer his phone for him when he was busy, I now know that he was hoping she would call and I would answer. They always try to DELETE someone in the most painful way possible. nothing says you have been DELETED like another woman answering his phone. Especially if he never let you touch his phone.
The internet, chat rooms, dating sites, sending your picture over the internet was all pretty new. He and I started dating in 2000, Facebook didn’t even exist at that time and I was not a techie by any stretch of the imagination, nor was he (or so he said). Nor did I know anything about narcissists.
The internet has opened a whole new venue for the narcissist to find victims.
But they are on the prowl 24/7. Just because he comes home after work doesn’t mean he isn’t hitting on women in the lineup at the bank, every store he walks into, at work, his family and friends, the daughter of a friend, the wife of his boss. There is no one off limits to a narcissist.
When I caught James sending “I miss you Sunshine, will call later.” text messages to a woman while he was on his way to bring in the New Year with me, he was surprised I was upset, after all he wasn’t with me at the time. I said, “So it is only cheating if I am sitting beside you at the time? If you are out of my line of vision, it is not cheating? That’s reassuring seeing as you are a trucker!” He said he understood now and would stop. Oh my good God I believed him! not really, I lied to myself.
For years James had personal ads but that was just a way of amusing himself when he was home. He’s also a mechanic and had a habit of stopping to help anyone broken down on the side of the road, male or female. I loved that part of him, I thought it was so charitable of him I didn’t realize it was the perfect way to slither into someone’s life. He would be the knight in shining armor saving the damsel in distress, he always had an alibi for being late and not calling. It worked for him, narcissists never do anything that doesn’t work in their favor somehow. I am almost certain that is how he met the next target after me, she had a beater truck and he helped her. Then he could use the line, it was fate that brought them together. Women love that kinda stuff; he wasn’t looking for love and then there she was on the side of the road, their eyes met and he couldn’t resist her, he knew the minute he laid eyes on her, she was the one. DELETE Carrie.
Why would he get married if he never intends to be faithful? A narcissist lies, that is what he does; he likes the power of being able to fool someone, pull something over on them. That’s why he lies even when he doesn’t have to. He could get married because he thinks it is the only way he will get the woman fully committed or because he wants part of her house, or he needs a wife for business in order to look respectable, or because his ex wanted to get married and he wants to hurt her so will marry the next woman to come along. He knows that down the road he figures he can just DELETE it when it no longer works for him. Only problem being he wants to delete the wife but keep all the material things, he really does want a true delete button, something that would disintegrate her into a pile of ashes he could get the new woman to vacuum up.
WE think about who we marry, normal people take their commitments seriously. Sure we may say ’til death to us part’ and break that vow but at the time we said it, we meant it. The narcissist’s promises are only good at that moment. What he is actually saying is, “Til death do us part or something better comes along. And if you try to stand in my way it just might mean I have to kill you.”
Every woman is a prospect, he is adept at figuring out people quickly and with James anyway he came across as this friendly, harmless, gentlemanly sensitive guy who was an open book. So the woman feels safe telling him her life, James must have piddled like an excited puppy when he met my replacement and she was a 47-year-old widow, with a broken down truck!! OMG! It was almost too easy!
I used to wonder why he would date women with children when he was SO not into kids and hated to share a woman’s attention. He would be reading the kids bedtime stories, getting up with the baby in the night to give her a bottle so the mom could sleep (I read his journal remember?) Can you imagine what the woman was thinking? She thought she had met the man of her dreams. She would have no idea he had a delete button.
Looking back I can see that I was his “safety net”, when things fell apart as they always do with a narcissist he could always come running back to me, I would put a roof over his head, feed him, love him and he wouldn’t have to put on this great front to impress me. I am sure there were times when he was faithful, not out of any love or loyalty; just out of laziness and lack of anyone better coming along. After all I was a good catch, it was hard to find someone who could top me; and I was so damned forgiving and naïve. Plus he was trying to rub his ex’s nose in it, she had said he would never find anyone who would put up with what she did and he wanted to prove he could. Imagine, could you stay with someone for 10 years just to prove a point to your ex? From day one I was on borrowed time, sooner or later some woman was going to come along with more money and sooner or later I would have my fill of the abuse and infidelity, he knew it too.
The narcissist doesn’t worry about promising you to always be there because when he meets your replacement he is just going to blame you for the demise of the relationship anyway and who can blame him, it wasn’t his fault that the love of his life appeared out of no where. He had thought he was in love before, but that was before he met “her”. Anything that happened prior to meeting “her” doesn’t count. James actually said that on his blog. He erased all his entries prior to meeting her, where he talked about all the women he had on the hook and did a post basically saying – “Life started the minute I met Marissa, anything prior to that doesn’t matter.” DELETE!
How convenient – don’t we all wish we could just erase the past and start new when we want to. Don’t we all wish we could just press DELETE and wipe him from our minds and hearts, press DELETE and wipe out the debt he left us in, hit DELETE and miraculously have the STD he brought home vanish. But us mere mortals do not have the powers of a narcissist and we must live with the consequences of our poor choices and mistakes (and his also, apparently) and to top it all off, he won’t allow us to forget him, he keeps popping up to make sure we don’t.
That’s ok, you know why? because we have the human ability to learn from our mistakes, the humanity to share what we learn in order to warn others and a heart capable of love and forgiveness. I would rather be human than an empty replica of a person who can’t let his true nature show because he knows people would be repulsed by him.
Now, be honest, wouldn’t you rather be exactly who you are than able to just DELETE people without a second thought. In fact the more I talk about it the more fitting it is that he is able to delete at will, he is nothing more than a bunch of “saved” responses. He has collected appropriate reaction and responses to most of life’s experiences. He studies people and files their reaction for later reference. it works fairly well most of the time but there were times something happened and James’s face would be blank, no reaction and he would say, “I don’t know what to say about that.” or “I don’t know how I feel about that.” he might as well have said, “I am not programmed to respond” or “Please wait while we try to find that file.” to bad you can’t do the same thing you do when your computer freezes, hit Control, Alt, Delete.