The Narcissist’s Delete Key

The narcissist has this ability to just DELETE people, history, promises, commitments,…. well almost anything he chooses and feels he has a right to hit “refresh” if he realizes maybe he didn’t mean to hit delete, not yet anyway.

deleteWhen you have a delete button you never have to worry about making mistakes. There is no “type” of person a narcissist dates; everyone is fair game to a narcissist. In most cases they are undetectable in a crowded room or from casual conversation so they pretend to be whatever the woman wants because he will be deleting them at some point anyway.

What he’s looking for changes with the person he is with, or his situation at the time, for example; if he is bored, happens to go into a bar and sees a woman, like James did with me, if he feels playful he might try his hand at winning her over, just to pass the time. With James and I, he gave me his phone number and asked me to call him if my date didn’t work out, he had such a sweet way about him, I called. He even told me much later in the relationship that his intention had been to screw me and dump me. But he fell in love. awwwww how sweet.

I didn’t know when I met him that he was seeing someone else, I asked if he was sleeping with anyone, because I didn’t have sex with a man unless it was monogamous; he swore he hadn’t been with anyone in 6 months or more. He seemed to be so honest, I believed him. Much later I found out he had been seeing a woman and when he started seeing me he dumped her. She had been calling, (I remember his phone ringing and him not answering it but I was complimented by that, he wasn’t on his phone when I was around, that’s a good thing, right?) and leaving notes on his vehicle and he would rush out to get the note before I came outside and saw it. He even had me answer his phone for him when he was busy, I now know that he was hoping she would call and I would answer.  They always try to DELETE someone in the most painful way possible. nothing says you have been DELETED like another woman answering his phone. Especially if he never let you touch his phone.

The internet, chat rooms, dating sites, sending your picture over the internet was all pretty new. He and I started dating in 2000, Facebook didn’t even exist at that time and I was not a techie by any stretch of the imagination, nor was he (or so he said). Nor did I know anything about narcissists.

The internet has opened a whole new venue for the narcissist to find victims.

But they are on the prowl 24/7. Just because he comes home after work doesn’t mean he isn’t hitting on women in the lineup at the bank, every store he walks into, at work, his family and friends, the daughter of a friend, the wife of his boss. There is no one off limits to a narcissist.

When I caught James sending “I miss you Sunshine, will call later.” text messages to a woman while he was on his way to bring in the New Year with me, he was surprised I was upset, after all he wasn’t with me at the time. I said, “So it is only cheating if I am sitting beside you at the time? If you are out of my line of vision, it is not cheating? That’s reassuring seeing as you are a trucker!” He said he understood now and would stop. Oh my good God I believed him! not really, I lied to myself.

For years James had personal ads but that was just a way of amusing himself when he was home. He’s also a mechanic and had a habit of stopping to help anyone broken down on the side of the road, male or female. I loved that part of him, I thought it was so charitable of him I didn’t realize it was the perfect way to slither into someone’s life. He would be the knight in shining armor saving the damsel in distress, he always had an alibi for being late and not calling. It worked for him, narcissists never do anything that doesn’t work in their favor somehow. I am almost certain that is how he met the next target after me, she had a beater truck and he helped her. Then he could use the line, it was fate that brought them together. Women love that kinda stuff; he wasn’t looking for love and then there she was on the side of the road, their eyes met and he couldn’t resist her, he knew the minute he laid eyes on her, she was the one.  DELETE Carrie.

add deleteHe could have 3 kids and a wife waiting for him and not come home for 3 days. DELETE wife and 3 kids.

Why would he get married if he never intends to be faithful? A narcissist lies, that is what he does; he likes the power of being able to fool someone, pull something over on them. That’s why he lies even when he doesn’t have to. He could get married because he thinks it is the only way he will get the woman fully committed or because he wants part of her house, or he needs a wife for business in order to look respectable, or because his ex wanted to get married and he wants to hurt her so will marry the next woman to come along.  He knows that down the road he figures he can just DELETE it when it no longer works for him. Only problem being he wants to delete the wife but keep all the material things, he really does want a true delete button, something that would disintegrate her into a pile of ashes he could get the new woman to vacuum up.

clear cookies cash
The narcissist deletes history, all the cash and anything else he wants. One time he literally ate all the cookies before he tried to steal my truck.

WE think about who we marry, normal people take their commitments seriously. Sure we may say ’til death to us part’ and break that vow but at the time we said it, we meant it. The narcissist’s promises are only good at that moment. What he is actually saying is, “Til death do us part or something better comes along. And if you try to stand in my way it just might mean I have to kill you.”

Every woman is a prospect, he is adept at figuring out people quickly and with James anyway he came across as this friendly, harmless, gentlemanly sensitive guy who was an open book. So the woman feels safe telling him her life, James must have piddled like an excited puppy when he met my replacement and she was a 47-year-old widow, with a broken down truck!! OMG! It was almost too easy!so excited

 

I used to wonder why he would date women with children when he was SO not into kids and hated to share a woman’s attention. He would be reading the kids bedtime stories, getting up with the baby in the night to give her a bottle so the mom could sleep (I read his journal remember?) Can you imagine what the woman was thinking? She thought she had met the man of her dreams. She would have no idea he had a delete button.

Looking back I can see that I was his “safety net”, when things fell apart as they always do with a narcissist he could always come running back to me, I would put a roof over his head, feed him, love him and he wouldn’t have to put on this great front to impress me. I am sure there were times when he was faithful, not out of any love or loyalty; just out of laziness and lack of anyone better coming along. After all I was a good catch, it was hard to find someone who could top me; and I was so damned forgiving and naïve. Plus he was trying to rub his ex’s nose in it, she had said he would never find anyone who would put up with what she did and he wanted to prove he could. Imagine, could you stay with someone for 10 years just to prove a point to your ex? From day one I was on borrowed time, sooner or later some woman was going to come along with more money and sooner or later I would have my fill of the abuse and infidelity, he knew it too.

The narcissist doesn’t worry about promising you to always be there because when he meets your replacement he is just going to blame you for the demise of the relationship anyway and who can blame him, it wasn’t his fault that the love of his life appeared out of no where. He had thought he was in love before, but that was before he met “her”.  Anything that happened prior to meeting “her” doesn’t count. James actually said that on his blog. He erased all his entries prior to meeting her, where he talked about all the women he had on the hook and did a post basically saying – “Life started the minute I met Marissa, anything prior to that doesn’t matter.” DELETE!

How convenient – don’t we all wish we could just erase the past and start new when we want to. Don’t we all wish we could just press DELETE and wipe him from our minds and hearts, press DELETE and wipe out the debt he left us in, hit DELETE and miraculously have the STD he brought home vanish. But us mere mortals do not have the powers of a narcissist and we must live with the consequences of our poor choices and mistakes (and his also, apparently) and to top it all off, he won’t allow us to forget him, he keeps popping up to make sure we don’t.

That’s ok, you know why? because we have the human ability to learn from our mistakes, the humanity to share what we learn in order to warn others and a heart capable of love and forgiveness. I would rather be human than an empty replica of a person who can’t let his true nature show because he knows people would be repulsed by him.

Now, be honest, wouldn’t you rather be exactly who you are than able to just DELETE  people without a second thought. In fact the more I talk about it the more fitting it is that he is able to delete at will,  he is nothing more than a bunch of “saved” responses. He has collected appropriate reaction and responses to most of life’s experiences. He studies people and files their reaction for later reference. it works fairly well most of the time but there were times something happened and James’s face would be blank, no reaction and he would say, “I don’t know what to say about that.” or “I don’t know how I feel about that.” he might as well have said, “I am not programmed to respond” or “Please wait while we try to find that file.” to bad you can’t do the same thing you do when your computer freezes, hit Control, Alt, Delete.

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41 Replies to “The Narcissist’s Delete Key”

  1. Good morning all..as I read your stories I am proud of all of us…this is a hard road but step by step we are regaining our lives back from these demonic Narcs… My story started as all of us with being loved bombed, I met my second husband on e-harmony, we lived in different states but he was a truck driver so we saw each other a lot. Carrie knows my story but wanted to up date new members. I got loved bombed, moved to his state, gave up friends, my support system. Married this fool and all hell broke lose..he had me isolated, promised me the world and did nothing…accused me of trying to seduce his 40 year old nephew who just got out of prison. I am 60 and so is my husband. I loved my husband very much and did not know his dark side. They keep that secret until they can not hide it anymore. I was in pain, no close friends to talk to , when I would go to him to tell him I was lonely it would turn into an argument that I should be happy and its my fault that I wasn’t. I am a very independent woman, I owned my own home, raised 3 college educated children and had a happy life with lots of friends.
    Fast forward, I moved back to my home town after he was spreading lies and turning his family against me. Found out he went to the phillipnes got married to a 30 year old, we were still married. I fiiled for divorce, sold the house we had and moved on with my life. It was hard but I pray daily and have the support of his children and still have his grandchildren. They know he is crazy but what can the do. Now I hear he bought her over here, they love in a trailer and she is pregnant, a new father at 61…lol I am dying laughing. He just got finished paying child support for his last child and he hated that he had to
    pay at all. I joined a divorce group,we go to concerts, movies, dinner, I keep myself busy and now have peace!.,,there were days when I prayed to just get thru the next 10 min…my God has sustained me and life is good. I have a day sometimes when I think of what it was like in the beginning , but I realize that was not him but an imposter. I left him in November 2014. I have a beautiful apartment overlooking the river and the boats, I am never home, I am traveling and enjoying life. Hang in there life is short and we all deserve happiness. I pray everyday for all of us on this forum and for Carrie who was brave enough to start this blog to help us out of the wilderness of pain. Keep believing that you deserve to be happy and reach for it. I am here to support us all. Have a great and God Bless!

    Jean

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow, you actually got support money out of him?

      I found out the reason my ex narc wanted to move out of state, he owed over $15,000 in back support

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    2. Wow. Thank you for this! You are an example to us all. Your story gives me hope that I can get through this! I’m only 2 months in after breaking up; I have good days where I think everything will be okay and then I have bad days where I miss him and bam…he’s my focus all over again. When that happens, I can’t think of nothing else, I’m frozen at my job and I just want to go crawl under a rock somewhere and die. I think depressing thoughts that no one will ever want me so who am I kidding and why did I break up with him. But I know that I just have to take each day in stride and keep it moving. I then remind myself how bad he made me feel and how mean and cruel he can be.

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      1. Karen, you are stronger than you realize, no contact is the only way to peace. I felt as you did at times I could no breathe for the tears.i deserve a better life and so do you. Don’t let them win, they don’t deserve us. You will get there, just take it one minute at a time..don’t push yourself, feel the pain, recognize it and do something to occupy your time. I also go to the gym, bike ride, walk dogs or just walk alone. I am here for you and God bless you…
        Jean

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  2. Ironically, when I part ways with my ex narcissist, he told me over and over again how much he hates it, that he has to delete me out of his life and all we had together (and of course that it’s my fault that he has to do that), he actually used those words… (i can only say, good luck with that after 7 years of relationship O.o)

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  3. Another great article, thanks Carrie!

    I discovered a blog about “Cyberpaths” (Sociopaths/Narcissists/Psychopaths + Cyber = Cyberpaths) yesterday. There is a list of “Manipulation techniques” posted there and when I read it – OMG!!!

    http://cyberpaths.blogspot.de/2006/12/lures-of-online-predator.html?m=1

    This is EXACTLY how narcs operate online AND offline! The narc I had to deal with surely hadn’t read such a blog, he used all of those techniques rather instinctively. Or did he? He is a former war reporter and now works as a foreign country reporter, but has a degree in psychology (from one of his “former lives” he deleted). In the aftermath of our breakup, I discovered an old Couchsurfing profile he’d set up years ago they when he was with the other women (the one before me/he triangulated me with during all the time we dated). In his self-description he noted as occupation: “I’m a TV reporter, traveling a lot.” And as education: “Trained psychologist, later training…”

    I thought “How interesting!” and it instantly realized that what he meant was “later training (conditioning) women”. E.g., he often used sexual stuff verbally and physically to punish and manipulate me, auch as: “Sweetheart, you did not behave well recently, I will have to punish you/hurt you a little bit/make you behave”… followed by BDSM sex games or withdrawl of attention or triangulation coming up with a slight delay, as to keep me off-balance. Or he would be very nice and caring, but the instantly switch mood and reject me, in order to make me doubt my worth and feel unwanted. He was very skilled at these mind games. !t took me a year to see through all of this.

    That was all his life was and probably still is about: manoeuvring people, especially women, to cater to his needs. Pathetic and sick!

    It’s been almost 8 months no contact and I am feeling much better, especially since O DELETED HIM everywhere: WhatsApp and SMS chats: DELETED! His contact details in my phone: DELETED! His presents (the few he gave to me): DELETED! The memories: not quite DELETED all of them, but working in it;-)

    Sometimes, it can be useful to apply the same techniques as the narc (sich as the delete button) to get rid of them:-))

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  4. I wish I could delete him. I don’t miss him, but the fact that I was used, that everything was lie, and that all the horrible things he did don’t matter, is extremely difficult. I am so tired of having to work through bad days. I’m tired of anxiety that gets triggered by very subtle things that have to do with him- I get unexpectedly nauseous to the point where I almost have to excuse myself. Why does he get to be happy? Where is justice and karma?

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  5. When my ex N could no longer get away with lies n hidden behaviors easily because I saw behind his wall… Porn addiction, gambling, alcohol, voyeurism, maxed out credit cards, and debt close to $25,000… The mask came off and I saw evil beyond my wildest imagination. He hated that I wouldn’t marry him. I wanted to b together but wouldn’t marry him bc of all the red flags. The things he said n did to me would make the devil cringe. I never knew how evil a person could be.
    He walked out leaving me under the impression he would work on his anger n addictions (while I worked on my issues) n be back. Four months later he moved in w a woman 15 yrs younger then me who had 4 kids and specific sized body parts I lacked. Four months later he retired n married her. He proceeded to take her on trips to the same places we went, out to dinner to our favorite places, etc.
    How do you handle when he appears to b doing all the things he knows will b excruciatingly painful to me… All those special things that I thought were real to us, doing them now w the next woman, his wife.
    I’m fairly sure he won’t b back. I know too much.
    How long will he continue to try to hurt me and make me pay for finding out who he really is and going NC?

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  6. Liar liar pants on fire. Told me his mother died. She is alive and kicking. Sick. Broke up with me first day of holidays. Slept with 3 other girls in my workplace after we broke up.i wanted to vomit as I have to work with these people. Jealous that I cared for his son and got along with ex wife. I told him I will never understand your behaviour. His answer sorry I’m an alcoholic. Bs of course. Can’t believe I fell for the crap.got me. I told him you win.dont play mind games. He told me I’m too strong volitile for him. That’s why need people like you on aircraft as I didn’t fall for Stockholm syndrome. Weirdo

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    1. Leisa, it is better to let him think, you deleted him.
      No contact is so important. Let him think it is your decision to stay on no contact and that you deleted him. That hurts him the most.
      I hope you stay strong and all the others on this website too.

      Love, Elisabeth

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  7. “James must have piddled like an excited puppy…” – that is too funny! Love the picture of the dog too! They all love to trot out the ole ” it was fate that brought us together” statement, I heard that one too, he even upped the anty by saying God had arranged for us to meet. Of course, I thought that was so romantic at the time, now it is just gross. He also bragged on our second date that he could read anybody in 5 minutes and be able to tell them what he knew they wanted to hear. I thought that was odd but let it go. I should have jumped out of his truck and ran for the hills, but was brain washed from the love bombing. Ugh

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