5 Surprising Lessons I Learned From Being Discarded By A Narcissist

Right now, after being dumped by a narcissist you don’t know how you will survive, the pain is all consuming, like someone ripped out a vital organ, a part of you is missing. He goes off romancing his new “love of his life” and you are left with your life in pieces at your feet.

There was a time that you were the love of his life, that you were the love who was going to save him after all the psycho ex’s who had taken him for granted and hurt him. You were going to make his pain go away and prove YOU weren’t like all the rest. Just like all the rest had done.

It is hard to accept that you were nothing special to him, just another in a long line of psycho bitches that made his life hell, after you gave him unconditional love even when he treated you like dirt and abused you in every way possible.

There are 5 things you might not believe right now but will discover down the road.

1, You WILL survive. People survive much worse things. They lose their whole family in a tsunami, watch their young child swept away, or they go to get their baby in the morning and it is dead from crib death, they have a child who commits suicide. You may feel you are alone with your pain but there are many people in the world who have suffered every bit as much and they survived, so will you. You will feel lucky. I know hard to believe, but so true. You will feel giddy because you made it.

2. You will forever be changed for the better, you will be more compassionate, more empathetic and you will cry for other people’s pain because you will understand what real pain is all about. There is a calmness that comes over someone who has been in that kind of pain, like you know you can’t be hurt any more than you have been so you stop worrying about the little things.

3. You will cherish the little things more than ever before, a beautiful sunset, the sound of birds singing, children laughing, even the people partying down the street at 2 am won’t bother you because it is the sound of people laughing and having fun, enjoying life and you know how precious that is now.

4. “Things” won’t matter so much any more, because you will know they are only things and people are what matter, because you almost lost the people who love truly love you for someone who is incapable of love. They may have taken your money and left you destitute but things can be replaced, the love of family and friends can’t be bought a sunset can’t be bought. The world will be more colorful and fresh air in your lungs will remind you that you are alive and vibrant and so damn lucky to be alive.

5. This is an opportunity not everyone gets, it is a blessing in disguise and can be the catalyst to you becoming fearlessly you; you tried to please someone by being what they wanted, you have done that your whole life and where did it get you? in a whole lot of pain. So you might as well be totally and honestly, without apology, yourself. What other people think of you doesn’t matter. When you live true to yourself no one can ever hurt you again, because you won’t have given them the power to do so. While you are broken in a million pieces don ‘t try to find the old you, that you didn’t know who you really are and appreciate you. Be who YOU want to be, not what other people have told you you should be. It is all within your power to be whatever you want to be. Do a critical inventory of your traits and decide, do I like this about myself, no? then change it! Is this true of me. No? then don’t pack it, it was never yours to pack it was someone else’s garbage they piled on you, let it go!. Are you this way, Yes, do you like it? yes then keep it. Not many people have the opportunity to do a self assessment like that and live their whole lives believing lies about themselves and trying to please everyone else and be what everyone else wants them to be. THAT is why you have self doubt, you can’t be confident when you are not living true to your core being.

6. You never know how strong you are until you are faced with something you don’t think you are strong enough to handle. If it was easy it wouldn’t take strength. How do you build strength? by working those muscles. It is life’s adversities that give us strength. I didn’t think I could “do it one more day” until 2 years out someone called me strong and an inspiration. I read that on my blog and thought I am not strong, there was not one day I felt strong enough to make it. Then I thought, “but I did” it’s been two years and I made it. At that moment everything changed for me. I no longer felt weak and unable to cope, I felt strong, damn strong and proud of what I had survived and I was helping others to be strong.

peace-with-text

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36 Replies to “5 Surprising Lessons I Learned From Being Discarded By A Narcissist”

  1. I am so grateful to come across this blog. I believe that I have just entered into the discard phase, and it is very painful to say the least. Typical, he’s out galavanting with his new woman and I’m trying to be strong, but I feel such a loss right now. I have always felt that I’m a strong woman, but I got way off track for the last four years, staying in this relationship that I’ve allowed to incessantly bring me down Thank you for reminding me that this is the beginning of a better and healthier road to finding and developing myself once again.

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    1. Please don’t blame yourself. This is not about you, it’s about them. Narcissists are soul suckers and they suck the life out of “you”. They do not feel remorse, regret or guilt like a normal human being would. A normal person in a relationship that loved their partner would not treat them this way and toss them away nonchalantly like yesterday’s garbage.
      They are mere shells, almost like those pods that came to earth in The Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

      How do I know? I spent 1.5 years of my life treating my ex gf like a queen. Lavishing time, gifts, dinners on her…..selflessly…..out of love for her. After a minor disagreement, she “texted” me that it was over. Attempts to reach her for reasons went unanswered. She blocked me, dropped me and unfriended me.

      I agonized for weeks when out of the blue, I was contacted by someone else she had done the same thing to. My closure came immediately and I realized that I lost myself and who I was catering to her and trying to please her. The person that contacted me said do not let her rent anymore of your headspace.

      Just think about it. Someone that can drop you like you never existed isn’t worthy of your time.

      Best of luck!
      It isn’t easy……but “you” are the better person because you give love, not suck it dry from someone else.

      ,

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      1. @Gary – I’ve been reading a lot of blogs about narcissist relationships but reading your comment has helped me a lot. I was recently discarded by my narcissist boyfriend (I am a guy too) after 5 months of me being completely placed on a pedestal. We were “soul mates” (he constantly commented how much he loved me and admired me), the perfect/hot gay couple in the making (he was already talking about having a life married to me! – even talking about buying an awesome house together based on our incomes), two very handsome guys with great careers who finally found each other and… poof! I was discarded literally overnight with no warning sign whatsoever! It has been extremely PAINFUL, CONFUSING, CRUSHING, and DEVASTATING especially because I thought I was very good to him in all regards of the relationship (financially, emotionally, sexually, etc.). He was heartless, cruel, and gave me the silence treatment immediately after the break up – he suddenly quit texting, calling, and even saying hi to me. I kept begging him for explanations, trying to make it better, trying to physically look even better to no avail. He could not give a convincing reason. But it was all clear 2 weeks after the break up — He was seeing someone else (another guy) at least one month prior to our break up. He described the new guy as “better than” me (I broke into his cell and saw several of his textings to this other guy, already talking about the “great” sex they were having together, exchanging sex pictures, and saying callous lies about me)! It has been 2 months and he is apparently “happy” seeing this other guy while I am facing a very deep PAIN and LOSS. amidst lots of confusion about the whole thing. Anyways, I know you were in a straight/heterosexual relationship, but nevertheless your comment is very insightful and is helping me tremendously. This is the first time I ever write in a blog and I just want to let you know I appreciate what you wrote. Thank you much for the precious advice.

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        1. Hadrian

          I’m glad that my commentary helped you. It’s not easy to move forward but we all have to.

          It doesn’t sound like you’ll have trouble finding someone new and worthy of your time.

          You know the red flags now so proceed with caution. And don’t beg or contact this person at all if you can help it. That will just bolster their ego even more.

          Two great resources: Kim Wilso TV on YouTube and Melanie Tonia Evans.

          Best of luck and research and learn about these monsters, it’s therapeutic.

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        2. Hadrian

          I’m glad that my commentary helped you. It’s not easy to move forward but we all have to.

          It doesn’t sound like you’ll have trouble finding someone new and worthy of your time.

          You know the red flags now so proceed with caution. And don’t beg or contact this person at all if you can help it. That will just bolster their ego even more.

          Two great resources: Kim Wilson TV on YouTube and Melanie Tonia Evans.

          Best of luck and research and learn about these monsters, it’s therapeutic.

          Like

          1. Hi Gary – Thank you for recommending those videos – I spent the past week or so watching Kim Wilson TV and Melanie Evans videos – wow, they opened up a whole world for me. I also found and recommend YouTube videos from Assc Direct (his real name is Quinn Holliday); please see his video “The Narcissist Excessive Stubbornness Tactic”, and videos from Sam Vaknin. Let’s keep on moving towards a better future free from Narcs!

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  2. I was married to a narcissist for 15 years and have 2 teenagers from him. He discarded me two years before I found out about his 2 year affair. I’m sure there were many more affair but he denies it. I never felt safe in the relationship-always felt he was cheating or flirting and encouraging women to cross boundaries. He sees our children as objects and demands to see them but does nothing to make it happen or to show them love-never really did. I always was the one to suggest that he do things with them. He never participated in their events unless I demanded it oh and when our child’s activity happened to be 2 blocks from his other woman, but only because he would go ‘be with her’ and then be late for pick up. His mother is also a narcissist and she abandoned us too the minute she found out he had an affair and encouraged the discarding process. I guess I should have known better when she said she gave away her two sons, divorced her daughter, and refused to take care of her granddaughter when she was left an orphan. Hint: find out about their family and believe what they tell you about themselves.

    He discarded all of us and focused on his need for happiness. I never expected to be divorced or abandoned by him. He never talked about how he felt or requested therapy or anything. I was blindsided and so were my kids. Then when he ‘fought’ for my kids, he told us that we couldn’t make demands of him, meaning he was going back to the other woman and our kids had to deal with it and he didn’t even have to tell them about his return or any other part of his personal life.

    It’s been a long rollercoaster ride. I fell for his tactics, kind lies, his woewess me demands for my help, demanded I fix his relationship with our kids, asking me to see him and him ‘gifting’ me hugs or a make out session. A month ago I finally was able to let go of the hope that things would change. A week ago, I let go emotionally. I am clear now that he is a narcissist- no more denial. I haven’t talked to him in a month and although going through some grieving- feel a sense of freedom.

    Thank you for sharing what you have learned. A year ago, I wanted to start a blog about what I was going through. I didn’t realize I had been married to a narcissist at the time. I guess I just wanted to heal. Therapy with EMDR has helped. I can’t wait for that feeling you describe and the finding joy in the little things. I want to find myself again. I want to return to that kind, fearless, loving, sweet and tender person I was before all this. This year, I have been most thankful for not feeling like I’m crazy! That in itself is a blessing. I’m thankful for my children- they are strong and see his personality flaws without me having to say anything. Seeking peace.

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