5 Surprising Lessons I Learned From Being Discarded By A Narcissist

Right now, after being dumped by a narcissist you don’t know how you will survive, the pain is all consuming, like someone ripped out a vital organ, a part of you is missing. He goes off romancing his new “love of his life” and you are left with your life in pieces at your feet.

There was a time that you were the love of his life, that you were the love who was going to save him after all the psycho ex’s who had taken him for granted and hurt him. You were going to make his pain go away and prove YOU weren’t like all the rest. Just like all the rest had done.

It is hard to accept that you were nothing special to him, just another in a long line of psycho bitches that made his life hell, after you gave him unconditional love even when he treated you like dirt and abused you in every way possible.

There are 5 things you might not believe right now but will discover down the road.

1, You WILL survive. People survive much worse things. They lose their whole family in a tsunami, watch their young child swept away, or they go to get their baby in the morning and it is dead from crib death, they have a child who commits suicide. You may feel you are alone with your pain but there are many people in the world who have suffered every bit as much and they survived, so will you. You will feel lucky. I know hard to believe, but so true. You will feel giddy because you made it.

2. You will forever be changed for the better, you will be more compassionate, more empathetic and you will cry for other people’s pain because you will understand what real pain is all about. There is a calmness that comes over someone who has been in that kind of pain, like you know you can’t be hurt any more than you have been so you stop worrying about the little things.

3. You will cherish the little things more than ever before, a beautiful sunset, the sound of birds singing, children laughing, even the people partying down the street at 2 am won’t bother you because it is the sound of people laughing and having fun, enjoying life and you know how precious that is now.

4. “Things” won’t matter so much any more, because you will know they are only things and people are what matter, because you almost lost the people who love truly love you for someone who is incapable of love. They may have taken your money and left you destitute but things can be replaced, the love of family and friends can’t be bought a sunset can’t be bought. The world will be more colorful and fresh air in your lungs will remind you that you are alive and vibrant and so damn lucky to be alive.

5. This is an opportunity not everyone gets, it is a blessing in disguise and can be the catalyst to you becoming fearlessly you; you tried to please someone by being what they wanted, you have done that your whole life and where did it get you? in a whole lot of pain. So you might as well be totally and honestly, without apology, yourself. What other people think of you doesn’t matter. When you live true to yourself no one can ever hurt you again, because you won’t have given them the power to do so. While you are broken in a million pieces don ‘t try to find the old you, that you didn’t know who you really are and appreciate you. Be who YOU want to be, not what other people have told you you should be. It is all within your power to be whatever you want to be. Do a critical inventory of your traits and decide, do I like this about myself, no? then change it! Is this true of me. No? then don’t pack it, it was never yours to pack it was someone else’s garbage they piled on you, let it go!. Are you this way, Yes, do you like it? yes then keep it. Not many people have the opportunity to do a self assessment like that and live their whole lives believing lies about themselves and trying to please everyone else and be what everyone else wants them to be. THAT is why you have self doubt, you can’t be confident when you are not living true to your core being.

6. You never know how strong you are until you are faced with something you don’t think you are strong enough to handle. If it was easy it wouldn’t take strength. How do you build strength? by working those muscles. It is life’s adversities that give us strength. I didn’t think I could “do it one more day” until 2 years out someone called me strong and an inspiration. I read that on my blog and thought I am not strong, there was not one day I felt strong enough to make it. Then I thought, “but I did” it’s been two years and I made it. At that moment everything changed for me. I no longer felt weak and unable to cope, I felt strong, damn strong and proud of what I had survived and I was helping others to be strong.

peace-with-text

37 thoughts on “5 Surprising Lessons I Learned From Being Discarded By A Narcissist

  1. Carlo

    This post itself is full of strength and inspiration and above all, optimism for others. Every day is another step in the right direction, no matter how small that step may be, as long as it’s a forward step and not a backward step, it’s still a step in the right direction. If you drive your car only looking in the rear view mirror, you will always miss what is in front of you and ultimately you will crash. I am living proof of this. Thanks again Carrie for yet some more invaluable encouragement. X

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    1. Gayle McElhanon

      Hey Carlo, I love your picture of the purple guy on your post, that is adorable. Carrie, as for you lessons learned, right on, you go girl. My own experience with an ex-narcissist was in the form of an ex-sister-in-law who I am certain is an outright psychopath (sociopath). Dr. Hare in his book, Without Conscience, The Disturbing World of Psycopaths, describes the difference between them, but it does not seem like there is a difference other than which term you personally prefer to use. Psychopath, sociopath, narcissist, no one with this type of personality disorder views a person as a human being, we are just objects to be used and discarded. These narcissist vampires “feed” off those of us who live within the corral of conscience. Ask yourself, even though you have been used and discarded like toilet paper, would you trade places with your ex-narcissist (sociopath)? Or would you rather be who you are? Kahil Gibran, author of The Prophet, once said, “I would rather be the lamb that is devoured by the lion than to be the lion that devours the lamb.” Narcissists are the lions that devour the lamb; my husband is very smart, he says he would rather be the lamb that AVOIDS being devoured by the lion. So we must learn to recognize sociopaths in order to avoid being devoured by them.

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  2. Kathy

    Very good article!
    I’m just in the very beginning of this long process but I got strength from your words! I know I can make it, I survived my dear husbands death with 3 young kids so a break up with a narcissist won’t break me!
    I know there will be good days and bad days but I will survive!! 🙂

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  3. Karen

    Wow!!! One of your best posts ever! Thank you so much for sharing this wisdom! I am still hurting so very badly inside after almost 2 months of NC and mad at myself for hurting!! I want the sad days of missing him or missing what I thought was true to go away…
    And yes, that is what hurts the most…that I never meant anything to him. Mad that I gave him a chance at my heart when deep down inside I ‘felt’ that it wasn’t going to come out good.
    So thank you for this…when you put it the way you did, it all seems so small in the scheme of things. I’m going to print this out and tape on my wall.

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Karen I am glad it hit the mark for you! Whenever I found anything that really resonated with me and helped me be strong I used to do the same thing, print it out and read it often.
      Glad I could contribute to your collection of inspiration.
      hugs

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Marleemorgan, when people used to say “things happen for a reason”, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” or “something good always comes from something bad” I used to think, “Yeah well, nothing good is ever going to come of from this kind of heart ache. But NOW, I would not trade the experience for anything. Tonight I went with Stella down to the pier and I had a wonderful few hours. I kept noticing people smiling at me and then I realized I was walking along with Stella with a big smile on my face. Just so damned happy to be alive and so grateful for all I have, with an inner peace I can not possible describe.
      The ultimate reward for all the suffering.

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  4. AnThenThereWasMe

    Carrie

    Its me TV.
    I am so happy to see your posts. Ive been catching up on you while trying to get back to Freelancing on the internet.
    Lately my Narc decided to send “something” via a local store. I refused. I DID however go to the “local merchant” and request a cc of the receipt. I still have the protective order and it is STILL in effect. I made ANOTHER report at the local sheriff.
    I told myself My Life Was More Important then pursuing this DV order ( contempt of court), but He is on probation with ONLY a misdemeanor for this.
    I am not sure what to do now.
    I do have a name change coming into effect…
    Anyway, glad to hear from you all
    TV

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    1. AnThenThereWasMe

      It’s been 3 1/2 months now. I am in the same boat with you. Although this isn’t my first rodeo with my Soc/Narc.
      It does get better with time…or so I am told.
      Believe in you
      Believe in your accomplishments-you have many at this point in time and will continue to do so.
      You are a valued person in society, you just don’t know it yet.
      TV

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      1. Carrie Reimer Post author

        TV good advice and I am sorry you are going through this again. I did it too. Just remember to stay no contact and do not do it again! I was so sure I would not go back again and then what did I do? It was almost the death of me. you would think that we would get sick of it and not be tempted to go back but it doesn’t work that way.
        Hang in there and stay strong! it will get better given enough time. Promise!!
        Hugs

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        1. AndThenThereWasMe

          Hello Carrie,
          Yes, it has been a long road for me. We were married 8 years this past August. I am so ashamed that I let him feed me crap, take me for granted, push me around mentally and physically . I was made to be an embarrassment to his family, to mine and I couldn’t take the “lifestyle” anymore.
          I was a wreck when I left. No longer.
          I am attending classes at a local business far from where I am staying. I volunteer at a local foodbank, as well as blogging about my life. I am moving on and going about my business. I cannot even remember what he looks like anymore. I am ok with that.
          It’s all about me this time. I used to wonder if I has done things differently then it would have been ok. Now I understand and have for a while that it wasn’t real , it wasn’t my fault.
          Heavenly father will and is there for us all. I know that now. I pray for him everyday…if not me then who? I have no idea how my mother in law is ..she had previously been in the hospital, last I heard in a care home. She was very nice to me even though she saw me at my worst. Life goes on.

          I’m just glad to be breathing after all of this.
          TV

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        2. AndThenThereWasMe

          Carrie,
          Is there anyway to tell who has viewed you on a blog? I have 1 who looked from Alaska and one in the states. Can’t figure out how to do this. I started a blog on Narcissism.
          Thanks
          TV

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  5. Nyssa the Hobbit

    I learned this early in life, after my abuser dumped me and immediately went after another girl. I thought my life was over, too, and kept longing for him to come back. I was in a deep depression, and also very angry. I’d want to throw myself in front of a car.

    Only a few months later, I found myself with several potential boyfriends, a highly unusual position for me. I soon moved on, and had fun again. I got married. Now, years later, I’m glad I never stepped in front of a car. I also haven’t wanted the abusive ex for some 20 years.

    It does get better. 🙂

    I recently read in a novel, a teenage girl was upset over a breakup. Her aunt told her she knew the pain, since her own boyfriend was killed years before. The girl said it helped her a lot to know this, because her aunt could go through this pain, yet smile again.

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  6. Ellebelle2015

    I hope I will never ever have to feel like that again. I feel sorrow for everyone who has to go through this poces. Carrie can tell and I can tell you, you will survive. The main thing is staying on “No Contact”. You will find out, that you are going to be more open to the world and the world can see you are open now. They will talk to you in the street out off the blue. That never happened to me when I was still with the narc buster. The whole world is on your side and time is too. Good luck everyone. Elisabeth

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  7. Maria

    Everything you write makes so much sense and I intellectually agree with and believe it all. I also now fully understand him, how dangerous he was to me emotionally, and how false all of his promises, words, and supposed love were. And I even realize that I’m lucky to have escaped and he is not all that. But … I still can’t stop thinking about him and missing him! Well, know it is not really not him but rather the illusion of him but nonetheless it is and I can’t make it stop. Any advice on how to stop and finally accept that I can’t, shouldn’t, don’t want him in my life?

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    1. Kathy

      I feel exactly the same Maria, I keep reading and telling myself that I deserve better while I’m doing no contact. I hope that with time the desire to be with them lessens and as we get stronger we can resist the urge to get back with them. All we can do is hope that it gets better with time, and you never know we might meet a lovely man along the way 🙂

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    2. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Maria, there are many good posts on retraining your brain on the blog. just go to the search feature and type in “Retrain your brain” or self improvement, self discovery. there should be lots of posts that come up that will help you.

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  8. AndThenThereWasMe

    No contact..please for your own good. If I had taken this advise last year I would not have had to leave again and again. I am happy with my life progressing as it is now. I am able to attend church services of my own choosing, I am able to have a car, and I am able to pay my own bills without having to scrape by because he had a fit over why he had to help with anything except to clean the house when he felt like it.
    Ughhh, I am so much better off without this “boy” in my life.
    These people are NEVER going to change and they will never stop preying on others and never stop killing us mentally. There are even some who plan your death with out you even knowing it.
    PLEASE no contact to anyone who has left.
    Love
    TV

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