The Only Reason Why The Narcissist Apologizes and Begs You Back

It doesn’t make sense. It was his idea to split, then when you left he blamed you for the relationship failing OR he road off into the sunset with his new woman, gleefully pointing out all the ways she is so much better than you.

You struggled with the guilt, self doubt and endless nights of obsessing about him and his new woman. You shed more tears than you thought was humanly possible and finally you started to get stronger. You may not be 100% healed but you got back on your feet and you are surviving.

Although you may still shed a tear or two, you accept he is a narcissist and you stay no contact out of self preservation. You no longer fantasize about getting back together, you know you will never get the apology you wanted for possibly years. Perhaps you are making good money, maybe starting to date, you have reconnected with friends and ……….. you can see happiness in your future.

And then out of nowhere he appears at your door, or he calls, or shows up at your work place and he is sweet, meek, remorseful, gentle with you and practically gushing with love and regret. Taking full responsibility for his actions and for hurting you. Why? Why would he apologize now? 

apology

You haven’t called him, not like all the other times you split when you would blow up his phone with text messages begging for a reason why he hated you. You never called him, never begged, in fact you haven’t even seen him in all this time, so he is there in front of you of his own free will; saying all the things you longed to hear for so long. The only reason he can possibly be there is if he has had am epiphany and realizes his mistake and really loves you. You know him, and he never apologized in the past, not a real heart felt apology.

Even if at first you feel strong enough to not succumb to his charms eventually his persistence will start to wear you down, you will start to fall in love with him again. He will be acting so sincere, and consistently being sweet and helpful, understanding, you will once again talk all night about the future, the way couples in love do. The love making will be passionate again and you will get that tingle when he touches you, once again he is in your thoughts all day, but they are happy thoughts this time, like in the beginning. He calls regularly and arrives on time and gives you a full account of his activities without you even asking him. He no longer packs his phone everywhere with him and leaves it laying out for you to check anytime you want and you do, and find nothing suspicious.

If he doesn’t mean it, why would he be making such an effort? he could have other women and you have no doubt that he has had other women, why wouldn’t he just stay with one of them,? why come back to you?

That is what I was thinking when I went back to James, plus he had said he was given 6 months to live just for safe measure. Who lies about dying??!! I told myself that my gut screaming at me to run was just because of the past and people can change and even if it didn’t work out I had proven to myself and him that I was independent and quite capable of taking care of myself. After all most of our fights were about money and me not making enough and now I was making good money, had a successful business, was buying a home, and I knew I could survive without him and I thought I knew how to avoid the fights, I was smarter and more aware and I could foresee trouble and nip it in the bud.

I had my faults in the relationship also, I couldn’t believe how I had reacted at times, no wonder he got sick of my crying and being suspicious. (We can have selective memories too at times and we are usually quick to forgive and forget, we don’t expect a person to wear sackcloth and ashes for the rest of their lives). And THIS time, at the first sign of trouble I will be out of there, no more chances!

So, what happened? what went wrong?

I was naive, I didn’t educate myself on narcissists, I believed that they never apologize so when he came back and was so humble and contrite i convinced myself that he must not be a narcissist. In fact he even admitted that he might be one when he apologized and said he would get help. I didn’t know they can’t be cured.

I didn’t realize what the real reason for him coming back was until a couple of years after I left for the last time.

He came back to destroy me.

You see, in the past I had always begged, pleaded, bargained and he would “do me the favor” of trying again. He would take me back because he didn’t want to see me on the street with no where to go. He hated to see me cry.

But this time I had blocked him, changed my cell phone number ( I never used my land line) and within a few months I was doing pretty good, had a handsome younger man chasing me, was buying a mobile home, etc etc and he had not destroyed me by leaving me. His ego could not handle it, I was supposed to be grovelling, a broken pile of emotions on the floor, helpless without him and I wasn’t. And I had to pay for that. He came back with the sole intention of destroying me so when he left next time I would be a grovelling, broken, insecure, lonely, cripple filled with self doubt. And he continues to pop into my life now and then just to stir the pot and try to create havoc in my life and so far I have survived every time he tries.

If you aren’t strong and self sufficient, you will still pay. If you go running back just so happy he graced you with his presence again, then he will punish you for being so F’ing stupid to believe his lies yet again and the abuse will start almost immediately.

Watch this 4 minute video by Sam Vaknin, where he explains it.

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23 thoughts on “The Only Reason Why The Narcissist Apologizes and Begs You Back

  1. Isn’t it strange that Sam, a self confessed malignant narcissist, is so thoroughly healing to listen to. To end a video with ‘la la land’ is pure poetry.The truth is beautifully simple!

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    • jazura2, I agree, some people don’t like him for the simple fact that he admits he is a narcissist. And let’s face it, they are known for being pathological liars. But he has said it himself, he gets his narcissistic supply from the work he does. And who to know better how the mind of a narcissist works than a narcissist. I have found him and the Spartan life Coach to be the most helpful.

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      • Spartan Life Coach and Sam are the ones for me also (and you of course!!) There are some good women experts out there but I don’t go back to them for some reason. I wonder if people would appreciate Sam if they did NOT know he was a narcissist. I have been following him for twelve years after my narcissist’s ex girlfriend put me on to him. Now there’s a story for another day!!!

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  2. Great article again Carrie . I’m eight months out exactly , feeling emotionally strong and my life’s changed so much for the better , would I have him back ? , never in a million years , I’ve had a long time to reflect on just how bad things had got in our relationship especially in the last couple of years and I realize I was grieving the end of it long before it was over . In the meantime he’s still trying to triangulate me into his new relationship despite the fact that he’s found his ” soul mate ” Evil man . So much for his happy ever after with his new target , he’s spoon fed her the lies about me , mirrored & love bombed her and now she’s involved in the hate campaign too.
    Thanks to your blog Ive learned an awful lot about how narc work . I’ll be on my guard in the future , I could never put myself through that emotional pain & anguish again . Thank you x

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Isn’t it strange that Sam, a self confessed malignant narcissist is the ultimate healer.
    Ending his video with ‘lala land’ is poetic and beautiful.

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  4. Great article. I feel like I am a student of Sam Vaknin. More than a year out and doing the happy dance! Here in Iowa, the state universities have a yearly football game. This year, I didn’t have to “be for any team” because I am not dating anyone. I realized that I hate football but being a codependent and always affiliating with a narcissist, I would watch the game and, of course, be for the narcs team. This year, I just said I was not a codependent and hated football. Everyone who knows me, got it! What a great life to finally get to be me and put all the bullshit behind. Carry on Miss Carrie and continue your good work. If you ever get to Iowa, I have a place for you!

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    • Mary, I had to laugh reading your comment. Good for you!! High 5! I used to watch hockey etc if the man was into it. I don’t like hockey that much, not on TV anyway. People my look at me like a have a third eye when I say I don’t watch hockey but I don’t!! big deal, live with it. I am still Canadian!!
      I love the feeling of not taking any bull shit from anyone any more. I don’t try to piss people off but I sure the hell don’t kiss ass any more either!
      I would love to come to Iowa some day! just for a visit. you are such a great addition to the blog. Thanks for your comments.
      Hugs

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  5. It’s unbelievable how addictive these relationships are to us. I’m out for about 9 weeks and finding it hard! I know deep down that I will never go back but this tiny part of me craves him and wishes he would contact me. I wonder does anybody else felt the same?
    I hate myself for it! I know I deserve a thousand times better!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kathy, we’ve all been there, and let me tell you that what you’re feeling is perfectly normal. We can relate! The first 6 months are the hardest! After that, things tend to get progressively better. At 4 1/2 years out, my ex is only a faded memory to me now. Eventually, you will become indifferent to him! He could fall off the edge of the planet, and you couldn’t care less!

      During those first months, it’s best to be kind to yourself, do things like treat yourself to a nice meal, work out at the gym, journal your feelings (that’s what got me started blogging!). You will come out of this a better, stronger person than you could ever imagine! It does get better!

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    • Kathy, welcome and keep reading!! you will see that absolutely every victim of a narcissist has felt as you do. Totally normal!!!
      You can do a search on no contact, and a bunch of posts will come up about the addiction to the narc.
      Big hugs!

      Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Kathy-

      For me when it was first over, I had actual withdrawal symptoms as if I was detoxing from a drug. I would break out in sweats at night and then again in the morning. My stomach always churned, whether I was hungry or not. All I wanted to do was eat junk food and take out and get drunk. And if someone had some weed I’d indulge in that too. Anything to make the pain stop. The only thing I (thought I) wanted was him to show up at my door with an apology.

      This was end of 2011/beginning of 2012 and I am so glad now that he never came back. If he had I would have broken down and the relationship would’ve carried on in it’s roller coaster fashion. (I did my share of pushing him away as well)

      There was a point where the alcohol stopped numbing me and I could feel the excruciating pain right through it, no matter how many beers I drank. And I drank strong craft beer with an alc content of no lower than 5% and usually higher.

      I finally stopped drinking so much at that point and cut back at least to the point I wasn’t drinking alone or during the day. It helped to have at least one friend that I could call and also get together with once a week. Reading about others who have experienced the nightmare as well helped tremendously…which is how I found Carrie (Lady with a Truck.)

      The pain from my addiction to him faded but it became apparent to me that the pain I felt hadn’t originated with him, nor had the draw I felt toward him in the first place. It went a lot further back and stems a lot from being confused about boundaries and what really makes a healthy relationship of any type.

      I’m sorry you’re going through such pain. Carrie’s a great source and resource for info and experience as are many of the comments on each post.

      Hang in there, it does get better.

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  6. Good post Carrie. Hmm…I don’t think I want to see my ex back. He can pass on anytime to the neither region as far as I’m concerned. He’s 70 years old, and definitely well past this prime. Boring, and shallow as ever!

    No thanks! 17 months was more than ample time to spend in a “relationship” with him. I got to see it all! I’m no longer that gullible, trusting woman! Die A-hole! LOL. I don’t care! Do whatever, just stay out of my life! He’s her problem now and I’m okay with that!

    I guess the happy news is that I’ve educated myself on the ways of men, especially the disordered, narcissistic ones. In fact, I’ve learned to play them even better than they do me. My narc radar is working fine, and I pay attention to their behavior more than I do their words!

    Especially, I watch for signs of them being a player (narcissistic or not!). It can be fun until they start to realize I’m not falling for their BS, and stringing them along! Hahaha. Yes, I’m laughing!

    I kicked my ex first love to the door. Things were moving too slow, and I really didn’t care to feel like I was being triangulated with his dead wife (He wouldn’t change a thing – throwing me over for her!). Ironically, just like psycho boy did with me and his dead wife! Yikes! But I learned my lesson, and no harm done!

    Now there’s this good looking 45 year old dude chasing after me like I was the hottest woman around! Please! Like I was born yesterday! Is he kidding? I’m 66 years old! No, I’m not falling for that age is just is just a number crap! I’m sure I’m not the only woman he’s played like that.

    I think he’s scammer! That’s what I’m instincts are screaming at me, and don’t you know – I listen to them now! So, do I pretend to take him seriously, and see him run his game or just block him? Tempting to string him along too just for the fun of it! I’m thinking it over. Either way, I’m fine.

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    • Only Me, good for you! a woman in control of her life. Who has learned that she IS in control of her happiness and future.
      The 45 year old, hmmm I can see the temptation to play along but personally I think I wouldn’t take any chances and run for cover. Not that you couldn’t’ legitimately attract a 45 year old man but 21 years age difference is a lot. My mom has a 12 year age difference between her husband and herself, her being the younger one. Her husband is now almost 90 and she is still very active woman in her 70’s. when you get older the age gap gets ever more pronounced. Not that she regrets anything and she loves him to pieces but it is a big gap.
      Either way, good luck and enjoy yourself, that is what counts

      Liked by 1 person

      • Well, I know the 45 years old will be looking for me on Facebook tonight. I’m thinking I may just the run the app tonight, but I won’t be there! I’ve already tried to discourage him by suggesting another woman…then I got that old saw “age is just a number”. No, it’s not!

        Do I believe the 45 years old dude is on the level? Not on your life! He ignored my questions for information about him. Only other place I could photo search track him to was Instagram, and even then, not much info available. He claims to be an “engineer”, raising a young daughter in Florida! Lots of “engineers” work in Nigeria on 411 scams. Textbook flags saying “scammer!”.

        All seems well and deeply romantic for about a year, then he gets stuck in someplace like Nigeria, and suddenly needs funds so he can get home. Banks won’t take his checks. So he pleads for help from his “mark” (meaning me!) until I have no more money.

        No, I’ve never been taken like that, but I’ve heard countless stories, and recognize the MO of these operators! I will probably end up blocking him soon! I’m not much in a game playing mood. Either way, I already can see he’s a jerk no matter what else he may be.

        But I will close by saying that 20 years doesn’t mean you can’t have a happy marriage. My first husband was 20 years older than me and we were very happy – for all of 8 years! Then he died! I was left at a widow at 30 with a young child to raise on my own. That’s the good and bad of May-December marriages. They can be wonderful, but also tragic. Take care!

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  7. great Post Carrie, scary concepts, I still believe I will never see him again, he still with her. since all is friends are deceased, she is all he got left. I saw the two of them walking around a gas station of all places, where I was pumping gas. I turned the other way, he is old, fat as a pig and limps. I remember all the time he use to call me fat and tell me to go on a diet, yet he is with this huge lady, with those big money pockets. She is 3 times the size of me.
    As long as she continues to be stupid, I think I am clear of him forever.
    Time does heal, but yet it’s been 18 months but there are occasions I still think of it, not him just OMG that was a lie too.
    Still need medicine to sleep, and still have that dam cervical cancer virus from him, but at least my Pap is now normal.
    I do like what you said Only Me, have your Narc radar on, and I do.
    I am to the point in my life that if someone comes in it, and they are worthy of me great, if not I will still live my life and do what I want.
    For all the ladies at the beginning stages, it will get better, stick to NC and go on with what you want to do. Smile everyone, we are free.

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    • Susan- I still get those ‘lift the veil moments” too, where I say, “OMG, that was a lie too” or “That was the reality of that situation and not at all what I thought it was.” Still such a strange feeling. A relief yet painful at the same time.

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  8. Thank you to all the lovely people who commented on my reply. It’s so reassuring to know that I’m not alone and you all went through what I’m going through.
    And safirefalcon, I’m nearly sure I have withdrawal symptoms myself, I feel this emotional pain in my stomach it feels like something’s missing, like I’m hollow and feel like eating too but food does not help, only distraction and reading and crying helps!
    God I do hope I’ll get over this and with all the support I’m getting from these wonderful blogs that Carrie has and knowing that you all got there it’s very reassuring! Hugs to all of you! Xx

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  9. Only Me

    Before this 4 year relationship with this narcissist I was married very happily to my husband who was 15 years older than me. We were so happy, he was my soulmate, unfortunately he died 8 years ago and I was left with 3 young kids.
    4 years later I met this a hole( excuse the language) who pretended to be Prince Charming for me and my kids until the mask started slipping and he started controlling me and devaluing me and all the tricks as you all know they use to make you crazy and doubt yourself:(
    So here I am on my own again but at least my kids are much older

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  10. Nearly 4 months of no contact and the other day here it comes. A text from him apologising for
    all he put me through and saying that I was probably right about about him. I couldn’t believe it!

    Like

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