It doesn’t make sense. It was his idea to split, then when you left he blamed you for the relationship failing OR he road off into the sunset with his new woman, gleefully pointing out all the ways she is so much better than you.
You struggled with the guilt, self doubt and endless nights of obsessing about him and his new woman. You shed more tears than you thought was humanly possible and finally you started to get stronger. You may not be 100% healed but you got back on your feet and you are surviving.
Although you may still shed a tear or two, you accept he is a narcissist and you stay no contact out of self preservation. You no longer fantasize about getting back together, you know you will never get the apology you wanted for possibly years. Perhaps you are making good money, maybe starting to date, you have reconnected with friends and ……….. you can see happiness in your future.
And then out of nowhere he appears at your door, or he calls, or shows up at your work place and he is sweet, meek, remorseful, gentle with you and practically gushing with love and regret. Taking full responsibility for his actions and for hurting you. Why? Why would he apologize now?
You haven’t called him, not like all the other times you split when you would blow up his phone with text messages begging for a reason why he hated you. You never called him, never begged, in fact you haven’t even seen him in all this time, so he is there in front of you of his own free will; saying all the things you longed to hear for so long. The only reason he can possibly be there is if he has had am epiphany and realizes his mistake and really loves you. You know him, and he never apologized in the past, not a real heart felt apology.
Even if at first you feel strong enough to not succumb to his charms eventually his persistence will start to wear you down, you will start to fall in love with him again. He will be acting so sincere, and consistently being sweet and helpful, understanding, you will once again talk all night about the future, the way couples in love do. The love making will be passionate again and you will get that tingle when he touches you, once again he is in your thoughts all day, but they are happy thoughts this time, like in the beginning. He calls regularly and arrives on time and gives you a full account of his activities without you even asking him. He no longer packs his phone everywhere with him and leaves it laying out for you to check anytime you want and you do, and find nothing suspicious.
If he doesn’t mean it, why would he be making such an effort? he could have other women and you have no doubt that he has had other women, why wouldn’t he just stay with one of them,? why come back to you?
That is what I was thinking when I went back to James, plus he had said he was given 6 months to live just for safe measure. Who lies about dying??!! I told myself that my gut screaming at me to run was just because of the past and people can change and even if it didn’t work out I had proven to myself and him that I was independent and quite capable of taking care of myself. After all most of our fights were about money and me not making enough and now I was making good money, had a successful business, was buying a home, and I knew I could survive without him and I thought I knew how to avoid the fights, I was smarter and more aware and I could foresee trouble and nip it in the bud.
I had my faults in the relationship also, I couldn’t believe how I had reacted at times, no wonder he got sick of my crying and being suspicious. (We can have selective memories too at times and we are usually quick to forgive and forget, we don’t expect a person to wear sackcloth and ashes for the rest of their lives). And THIS time, at the first sign of trouble I will be out of there, no more chances!
So, what happened? what went wrong?
I was naive, I didn’t educate myself on narcissists, I believed that they never apologize so when he came back and was so humble and contrite i convinced myself that he must not be a narcissist. In fact he even admitted that he might be one when he apologized and said he would get help. I didn’t know they can’t be cured.
I didn’t realize what the real reason for him coming back was until a couple of years after I left for the last time.
He came back to destroy me.
You see, in the past I had always begged, pleaded, bargained and he would “do me the favor” of trying again. He would take me back because he didn’t want to see me on the street with no where to go. He hated to see me cry.
But this time I had blocked him, changed my cell phone number ( I never used my land line) and within a few months I was doing pretty good, had a handsome younger man chasing me, was buying a mobile home, etc etc and he had not destroyed me by leaving me. His ego could not handle it, I was supposed to be grovelling, a broken pile of emotions on the floor, helpless without him and I wasn’t. And I had to pay for that. He came back with the sole intention of destroying me so when he left next time I would be a grovelling, broken, insecure, lonely, cripple filled with self doubt. And he continues to pop into my life now and then just to stir the pot and try to create havoc in my life and so far I have survived every time he tries.
If you aren’t strong and self sufficient, you will still pay. If you go running back just so happy he graced you with his presence again, then he will punish you for being so F’ing stupid to believe his lies yet again and the abuse will start almost immediately.
Watch this 4 minute video by Sam Vaknin, where he explains it.