I received a comment today on the “Ending the Relationship With a Narcissist” post that is SO important I am giving it it’s own post. It is a message I have tried to drum into victim’s heads for almost 5 years and still victim’s think they will be different, it won’t happen to them, their situation is different, their narcissist really means it, their narcissist has seen the light and they are going to get their happily ever after. Happily ever after does not exist with a narcissist, no matter how many years go by, how many tears he sheds, or how strongly he professes his love and devotion. It is NEVER safe to have contact with a narcissist, EVER!!
This story answers all the top questions about narcissists
Do they ever change?
Do they ever apologize?
Can they love?
Are they ever faithful?
Why do they lie?
Do they know what they are doing?
Do they care?
This is the comment from Nemo,
“Guys, I’m writing this as a warning to never, ever be in contact with them again no matter how many years later. I’ve already told some of my story here but basically I first got involved with J when I was 17 and he was 20. I was just a kid, naive. I know now that he was a narcissist but then I was just so crazy about him I forgave him anything. He would dump me for another woman every six months or so, (always after building the romance up to the max) then come running back within a couple of weeks and I would always take him back because by then my whole life was focussed around him and I felt that if I wasn’t “his girlfriend” I would simply vanish into thin air, I had no sense of self or self esteem, all I had to do was wait and the pattern would repeat, telling myself if I just got it right next time he would stay.. He dumped me for a 15 year old (he was 24 by then) just before I went to university after 18 blissful months together with no dramas. It was a total shock but he kept running back, I found out he had no less than four other girls on the go, we will call them D, B, M and E. Well he met his match with D (was) was even more of a narc than him and tricked him into marriage and made his life very miserable, actually turned him into a victim himself. At last I was able to let go and moved to the other side of the world because I couldn’t bear to be in the same country as them playing “happy families”.
Fast forward 22 years to 2007 and a friend was using a yahoo group to set up a college reunion. Who should suddenly contact me again through this but J. Married to D for the second time (she had dumped him several times for other guys and had a string of failed marriages behind her, but had hoovered him back in) and we got back in touch. For the last 8 years we have been great friends, would meet up every couple of years when I went back to the old country and kept in constant contact. Yes we reminisced about the “old days” but I was happily married and it was just a friendship to me, though he was always saying how he still loved me, what a bitch D was, blah blah blah.
Fast forward again to 2015 and he has separated with D and moved in as a lodger with my best friend (we all knew each other from back then) so, when I went back of course he was at her house, where I spend most of my time on my “home” visits.
Well…by this time my home life wasn’t what it had been and yep, he sucked me in again with a week of undying love etc etc etc. Feeling lonely and vulnerable, I fell for it, thinking that after 8 years of happy friendship we were moving into a new phase. What could possibly go wrong? He’d spent 8 years leading up to this point. And things went much too far.
Guess what..after I came back here with a head full of plans to move back and madly in love again, his twice weekly texts stopped instantly. He went completely silent and my best friend said he never even mentioned my name at home. For six weeks I wondered what the hell was going on, tried texting, emailing, phoning; silence. I was in absolute hell. At a party that I had organised when I was there and we had gone to as a couple I saw him chatting to his old flame B (who I hadn’t invited) before coming back to me and filling my head with love and affection. I found out yesterday through another mutual friend that he has been going back out with B since just after I left. He wasn’t even going to tell me, I only knew because my friend said she had seen them, asked B what the hell was going on and did I know and B said “Oh he’s going to dump her in an email” I am so angry that they would have been sitting around discussing me while I had no idea what was going on!
Well B has been his bit on the side on and off for years but now she has dumped her husband and moved out with her kids to set up a flat with J. Within just a few weeks. He is still married to D who doesn’t want to let her supply go out of her control and there will be a world of hurt. B will get dumped for sure and he will try to run back to me.
I know I am well out of it but at the moment the pain I feel is excruciating. And I miss his platonic friendship, we knew each other so well, and never wanted to lose that. He never did get the chance to “dump me in an email” because I pre-empted it and told him not to bother as I knew what he was going to say and how cruel he was to let me find out by parading her around in front of friends that they knew would tell me. I’ve told him in no uncertain terms to F off and now I feel like that little teenager again sobbing over her broken heart instead of a strong independant 52 year old woman.
Moral of the story is, they NEVER change and will prey on you for years if they have to for the chance to build you up and then hurl you off the cliff again.”
My reply to Nemo:
Nemo, I am so sorry you had to learn this painful lesson but thank you so much for sharing it; I am sure you are saving many people from making the same mistake you, and I made. I too got sucked in to giving it another try, not 20+ years later mind you, but I witnessed my ex trying to do it to his ex’s and I went back after months of no contact because he seemed to sincere, and thought “Why would he bother if he didn’t mean it?”
There are a few things about your story I wanted to point out that you may not have realized.
- You say that D is a narcissist and J met his match with her. If I had a $100 I would bet it all on the fact that she is no more a narcissist than you are. Narcissists are famous for accusing their victims of exactly the same things they themselves do. I bet that D is as much a victim as you or I and that if she is acting crazy and refusing to let him go it is because of the abuse she has suffered at his hands. I bet it was him that sucked her back into the web and she has been a victim of his infidelity and gas lighting all this time.
- He wanted you to find out through the grapevine that he was with B because he wanted to cause the most pain.
- You thought you knew him so well, you thought you had this great friendship all these years and that you both valued this friendship. It was all a lie, you don’t know him at all, it has all been an act that he put on to suck you in. He is a chameleon who changes his colours to suit whichever victim he is sucking in at the time. All you women are the same in his mind, all interchangeable, he just morphs into the man of each woman’s dreams and tells them what they need to hear. My ex also had 4-6 women on the hook at the same time for years, unbeknownst to me; telling each of us what we needed to hear to believe he loved us and only us. Nothing makes them feel more alive and powerful than being able to suck in numerous woman at the same time.
You are right, B will be discarded just like all the rest and she will suffer just like all the rest and J will be patting himself on the back because he destroyed another marriage. Isn’t he powerful?! and all the while he will be claiming to be the victim of yet another psycho bitch who won’t let him go.
I am sorry your marriage was destroyed, I am sorry you got sucked in, but you will survive and you will find happiness again; especially if you do the work necessary to learn to love yourself and appreciate the beautiful woman you are and that you don’t need a man to make you feel valuable and loveable.
To everyone reading this post.
Nemo’s story is not that rare, I have heard from victims who have done this dance with the narcissist their whole lives, 20+ years. Women who have ruined their marriages after years of no contact because the narcissist came waltzing into their lives professing his undying love. That is why taking time to heal properly and fully AND no contact, ever!! is so important!!
You just do not realize how sick and twisted these people are!! Take it from people who have been there, you don’t have to experience it yourself to learn that these soul vampires are evil and never ever change! ever!! You MUST get it through your head that, they do not make sense and they do not have normal emotions and you MUST stop assigning them normal emotions and assuming they feel a certain way because that is they way they are acting. They are academy award winning actors who can pass lie detector tests, never forget that, never relax around them, never assume you are immune to their manipulation.
Once you have been involved with a narcissist, in his mind you are forever his possession to use and abuse as he sees fit, even 20+ years later. James kept all his ex’s on the line, he might not contact them for years and then out of the blue he would call and profess his undying love just to see if he could. Why? who cares? what matters is; you knowing he will do it and not swallowing the poison.
No one has ever come in here and said that years later the narcissist came back a changed man. I can only assume if it had ever happened they would be spreading the word that narcissist can change and they had found happiness. I know if it happened to me I would tell everyone!! No one is shouting off the roof tops because it just does not happen!!
They can wait years! they will tell you that they have pined away for you all those years and you are the only woman they ever loved, all the while telling 4 other women the same thing. Yes for 8 years Nemo had a “friendship” with her ex narc but how would she have known what he was doing, she only knew what he was telling her? I have read the letters James sent to the women he string along. They were all the same, except the name at the top was different ( no sorry, that wasn’t even different because he always called everyone “Babe”, he would change a few pertinent details, add a child if need be, but the main message in every single one was;
The victim is the love of his life
They are the only woman they will ever love and have waited all these years for them
He is willing to wait however long it takes for them to realize how much he loves them and want to settle down forever with him. (He has waited this long, he can wait forever to be with her)
The only difference was with the one in Africa, with her he was promising to bring her to Canada and make her his wife. Well actually he never SAID it in those exact words. His words were, he was still working on the paperwork to get her brought over to canada (which of course he was not) and he could not wait for the day he looked into his bride’s eyes and said “I do”. He never said who the bride was going to be so he really wasn’t lying. It’s not his fault if she assumed he meant her.
Every single one of his letters talked about how he had tried to make it work with me but the feelings just weren’t there any more and what a bitch I was and how I just wouldn’t let him go but he was done and didn’t love me any more.
He had just found the mother of his son after 15 years of her being no contact and he told her he had waited all that time for her and only loved her the whole time, but he had been with me for 9 of those 15 years. Did it hurt to read that? Cut my heart out!! Did she believe him? for awhile she did. But she was smart and cut her losses and bailed. But he is still in contact with her, they share a son but he hit the boy and kicked the kid out. I would think that would be enough to end all contact. Just goes to show you that they have a way of wrangling their way into your life and staying there. I firmly believe that any contact at all puts the victim in danger of getting sucked back into their sick web of toxicity.
All the while he was writing these letters, he was living with ME and had just come back to me in tears saying I was all the woman he would ever need, the only woman he had ever loved and begging for me to give him one more second chance and he would prove he could be trusted. He would prove to me he was being honest and just give him the chance to prove he had changed.
Take it from two women who have been there, drank the koolaid, there is no knight in shining armor underneath the mask. I used to believe I knew the real James, that I was special and knew the real man, that the abusive man was not the real James and I was the only woman who really knew him, the vulnerable, sweet little boy buried deep inside. I had seen a glimpse of him and was determined to bring that man back, was positive my special, unconditional love was going to revive the man I met, if I just forgave one more time and loved just a little bit harder, gave just a little bit more.
The really poisonous part of them coming back is; not only have we forgotten how bad things were, we are hearing all the things we longed to hear for so long and had given up hope on ever hearing. How can you walk away when you are finally getting the apology you have wanted for so long? You don’t walk away………….you run…..as fast as your legs can carry you and you never look back.