The One Answer To All Your Questions About The Narcissist

I received a comment today on the “Ending the Relationship With a Narcissist” post that is SO important I am giving it it’s own post. It is a message I have tried to drum into victim’s heads for almost 5 years and still victim’s think they will be different, it won’t happen to them, their situation is different, their narcissist really means it, their narcissist has seen the light and they are going to get their happily ever after. Happily ever after does not exist with a narcissist, no matter how many years go by, how many tears he sheds, or how strongly he professes his love and devotion. It is NEVER safe to have contact with a narcissist, EVER!!

This story answers all the top questions about narcissists

Do they ever change?

Do they ever apologize?

Can they love?

Are they ever faithful?

Why do they lie?

Do they know what they are doing?

Do they care?

This is the comment from Nemo,

“Guys, I’m writing this as a warning to never, ever be in contact with them again no matter how many years later. I’ve already told some of my story here but basically I first got involved with J when I was 17 and he was 20. I was just a kid, naive. I know now that he was a narcissist but then I was just so crazy about him I forgave him anything. He would dump me for another woman every six months or so, (always after building the romance up to the max) then come running back within a couple of weeks and I would always take him back because by then my whole life was focussed around him and I felt that if I wasn’t “his girlfriend” I would simply vanish into thin air, I had no sense of self or self esteem, all I had to do was wait and the pattern would repeat, telling myself if I just got it right next time he would stay.. He dumped me for a 15 year old (he was 24 by then) just before I went to university after 18 blissful months together with no dramas. It was a total shock but he kept running back, I found out he had no less than four other girls on the go, we will call them D, B, M and E. Well he met his match with D (was) was even more of a narc than him and tricked him into marriage and made his life very miserable, actually turned him into a victim himself. At last I was able to let go and moved to the other side of the world because I couldn’t bear to be in the same country as them playing “happy families”.

Fast forward 22 years to 2007 and a friend was using a yahoo group to set up a college reunion. Who should suddenly contact me again through this but J. Married to D for the second time (she had dumped him several times for other guys and had a string of failed marriages behind her, but had hoovered him back in) and we got back in touch. For the last 8 years we have been great friends, would meet up every couple of years when I went back to the old country and kept in constant contact. Yes we reminisced about the “old days” but I was happily married and it was just a friendship to me, though he was always saying how he still loved me, what a bitch D was, blah blah blah.

Fast forward again to 2015 and he has separated with D and moved in as a lodger with my best friend (we all knew each other from back then) so, when I went back of course he was at her house, where I spend most of my time on my “home” visits.

Well…by this time my home life wasn’t what it had been and yep, he sucked me in again with a week of undying love etc etc etc. Feeling lonely and vulnerable, I fell for it, thinking that after 8 years of happy friendship we were moving into a new phase. What could possibly go wrong? He’d spent 8 years leading up to this point. And things went much too far.

Guess what..after I came back here with a head full of plans to move back and madly in love again, his twice weekly texts stopped instantly. He went completely silent and my best friend said he never even mentioned my name at home. For six weeks I wondered what the hell was going on, tried texting, emailing, phoning; silence. I was in absolute hell. At a party that I had organised when I was there and we had gone to as a couple I saw him chatting to his old flame B (who I hadn’t invited) before coming back to me and filling my head with love and affection. I found out yesterday through another mutual friend that he has been going back out with B since just after I left. He wasn’t even going to tell me, I only knew because my friend said she had seen them, asked B what the hell was going on and did I know and B said “Oh he’s going to dump her in an email” I am so angry that they would have been sitting around discussing me while I had no idea what was going on!

Well B has been his bit on the side on and off for years but now she has dumped her husband and moved out with her kids to set up a flat with J. Within just a few weeks. He is still married to D who doesn’t want to let her supply go out of her control and there will be a world of hurt. B will get dumped for sure and he will try to run back to me.

I know I am well out of it but at the moment the pain I feel is excruciating. And I miss his platonic friendship, we knew each other so well, and never wanted to lose that. He never did get the chance to “dump me in an email” because I pre-empted it and told him not to bother as I knew what he was going to say and how cruel he was to let me find out by parading her around in front of friends that they knew would tell me. I’ve told him in no uncertain terms to F off and now I feel like that little teenager again sobbing over her broken heart instead of a strong independant 52 year old woman.

Moral of the story is, they NEVER change and will prey on you for years if they have to for the chance to build you up and then hurl you off the cliff again.”

My reply to Nemo:

Nemo, I am so sorry you had to learn this painful lesson but thank you so much for sharing it; I am sure you are saving many people from making the same mistake you, and I made. I too got sucked in to giving it another try, not 20+ years later mind you, but I witnessed my ex trying to do it to his ex’s and I went back after months of no contact because he seemed to sincere, and thought “Why would he bother if he didn’t mean it?”

There are a few things about your story I wanted to point out that you may not have realized. 

  1. You say that D is a narcissist and J met his match with her. If I had a $100 I would bet it all on the fact that she is no more a narcissist than you are. Narcissists are famous for accusing their victims of exactly the same things they themselves do. I bet that D is as much a victim as you or I and that if she is acting crazy and refusing to let him go it is because of the abuse she has suffered at his hands. I bet it was him that sucked her back into the web and she has been a victim of his infidelity and gas lighting all this time. 
  2. He wanted you to find out through the grapevine that he was with B because he wanted to cause the most pain.
  3. You thought you knew him so well, you thought you had this great friendship all these years and that you both valued this friendship. It was all a lie, you don’t know him at all, it has all been an act that he put on to suck you in. He is a chameleon who changes his colours to suit whichever victim he is sucking in at the time. All you women are the same in his mind, all interchangeable, he just morphs into the man of each woman’s dreams and tells them what they need to hear. My ex also had 4-6 women on the hook at the same time for years, unbeknownst to me; telling each of us what we needed to hear to believe he loved us and only us. Nothing makes them feel more alive and powerful than being able to suck in numerous woman at the same time. 

You are right, B will be discarded just like all the rest and she will suffer just like all the rest and J will be patting himself on the back because he destroyed another marriage. Isn’t he powerful?! and all the while he will be claiming to be the victim of yet another psycho bitch who won’t let him go.

I am sorry your marriage was destroyed, I am sorry you got sucked in, but you will survive and you will find happiness again; especially if you do the work necessary to learn to love yourself and appreciate the beautiful woman you are and that you don’t need a man to make you feel valuable and loveable.  

To everyone reading this post.

Nemo’s story is not that rare, I have heard from victims who have done this dance with the narcissist their whole lives, 20+ years. Women who have ruined their marriages after years of no contact because the narcissist came waltzing into their lives professing his undying love. That is why taking time to heal properly and fully AND no contact, ever!! is so important!!

You just do not realize how sick and twisted these people are!! Take it from people who have been there, you don’t have to experience it yourself to learn that these soul vampires are evil and never ever change! ever!! You MUST get it through your head that, they do not make sense and they do not have normal emotions and you MUST stop assigning them normal emotions and assuming they feel a certain way because that is they way they are acting. They are academy award winning actors who can pass lie detector tests, never forget that, never relax around them, never assume you are immune to their manipulation.

Once you have been involved with a narcissist, in his mind you are forever his possession to use and abuse as he sees fit, even 20+ years later. James kept all his ex’s on the line, he might not contact them for years and then out of the blue he would call and profess his undying love just to see if he could. Why? who cares? what matters is; you knowing he will do it and not swallowing the poison.

No one has ever come in here and said that years later the narcissist came back a changed man. I can only assume if it had ever happened they would be spreading the word that narcissist can change and they had found happiness. I know if it happened to me I would tell everyone!! No one is shouting off the roof tops because it just does not happen!!

They can wait years! they will tell you that they have pined away for you all those years and you are the only woman they ever loved, all the while telling 4 other women the same thing. Yes for 8 years Nemo had a “friendship” with her ex narc but how would she have known what he was doing, she only knew what he was telling her? I have read the letters James sent to the women he string along. They were all the same, except the name at the top was different ( no sorry, that wasn’t even different because he always called everyone “Babe”, he would change a few pertinent details, add a child if need be, but the main message in every single one was;

The victim is the love of his life

They are the only woman they will ever love and have waited all these years for them

He is willing to wait however long it takes for them to realize how much he loves them and want to settle down forever with him. (He has waited this long, he can wait forever to be with her)

The only difference was with the one in Africa, with her he was promising to bring her to Canada and make her his wife. Well actually he never SAID it in those exact words. His words were, he was still working on the paperwork to get her brought over to canada (which of course he was not) and he could not wait for the day he looked into his bride’s eyes and said “I do”. He never said who the bride was going to be so he really wasn’t lying. It’s not his fault if she assumed he meant her.

Every single one of his letters talked about how he had tried to make it work with me but the feelings just weren’t there any more and what a bitch I was and how I just wouldn’t let him go but he was done and didn’t love me any more.

He had just found the mother of his son after 15 years of her being no contact and he told her he had waited all that time for her and only loved her the whole time, but he had been with me for 9 of those 15 years. Did it hurt to read that? Cut my heart out!! Did she believe him? for awhile she did. But she was smart and cut her losses and bailed. But he is still in contact with her, they share a son but he hit the boy and kicked the kid out. I would think that would be enough to end all contact. Just goes to show you that they have a way of wrangling their way into your life and staying there. I firmly believe that any contact at all puts the victim in danger of getting sucked back into their sick web of toxicity.

All the while he was writing these letters, he was living with ME and had just come back to me in tears saying I was all the woman he would ever need, the only woman he had ever loved and begging for me to give him one more second chance and he would prove he could be trusted. He would prove to me he was being honest and just give him the chance to prove he had changed.

Take it from two women who have been there, drank the koolaid, there is no knight in shining armor underneath the mask. I used to believe I knew the real James, that I was special and knew the real man, that the abusive man was not the real James and I was the only woman who really knew him, the vulnerable, sweet little boy buried deep inside. I had seen a glimpse of him and was determined to bring that man back, was positive my special, unconditional love was going to revive the man I met, if I just forgave one more time and loved just a little bit harder, gave just a little bit more.

The really poisonous part of them coming back is; not only have we forgotten how bad things were, we are hearing all the things we longed to hear for so long and had given up hope on ever hearing. How can you walk away when you are finally getting the apology you have wanted for so long? You don’t walk away………….you run…..as fast as your legs can carry you and you never look back.

26 thoughts on “The One Answer To All Your Questions About The Narcissist

    1. Susan

      Thanks for sharing ladies. Like all of you and everyone else who has been sucked in by a narcissist, I learned the hard way. It was only after my N managed to slowly, over 10 years, completely destroy any resemblance of affection I held for him that I have been able to recover and move on. I hope that one day my feelings and desire for a relationship will return so that I will have a normal relationship with a good man.

      I have analyzed my own behavior for so long and I have partially identified what caused ME to stay in the unhealthy and abusive relationship with my N. I do believe that we must all focus on ourselves and realize what it is within us that led us to the N and kept us there. By recognizing this in ourselves we will be better equipped to recover and avoid recurrences of the same behavior. During my reflection I remembered and article or book or tape or something I heard years ago by John Trent and Gary Smalley. They discussed the differences in men and women and brought to my attention that mostly men have what they called the “conquer” behavior — men have a “built-in” mechanism for needing to conquer and win. It occurred to me that although I am a woman, I also have this “conquer and win” behavior. I had an unhealthy passion to conquer and win the affection of this N and be his woman no matter what abusive and unkind behaviors he threw at me. He always had other women in the picture to “threaten” me — always maintained his relationship with his ex-wife claiming he only discussed their child with her and that was the only reason he maintained his relationship with her. . . and somewhere in my insecurities I felt a need to conquer that ex-wife and win this N for myself. . .well, I did conquer and “win” for the time being, but I know without a doubt if I stepped back into that relationship with N as it was before it would be only a matter of time before the same behaviors of his would return, because it had happened so many times that I have finally accepted that this is the way he is. ..it took me so long to realize and accept this. . . to accept he doesn’t really love me and never did . . . but I had to stick around for enough abuse to finally open my eyes and see what was happening once I let go of the “conquer and win” mentality. He never loved me as a woman deserves to be loved. He loved in the only way he knows how to love, and that is not love, it is control and manipulation, lies, dishonor, disrespect…How it took me so long to see this I will never know. . .but I am thankful I have seen it now. I blamed everyone else for the drama and problems in our relationship, because I was blind, and also because he manipulated situations and made it appear that others were to blame for the problems that he himself was creating. . . it was only after all the other people were removed from the picture that it was easy to see that the only two left in the picture must have something to do with the problems – N and me. So I take responsibility for my part – I was blind and fooled and was in the “conquer and win” mode. He is an N. Although the last 10 years have been tumultuous and painful, I have also learned a great deal about people and also about myself, so I am thankful for the experience. I am happy to be by myself — I actually enjoy my own company and my own thoughts! I’ve hard it said so many times we must learn to love ourselves and become “ourselves.” That is true and that is what, I believe, has led me to my contentment and happiness that I now experience. .. I hope and pray for this for all the others out there who are caught up in the web of deception and lies in a relationship with a narcissist. . .Blessings, Susan

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  1. Kathy

    Thank you Carrie and Nemo! Well, I feel like a fool once again. The beginning of this year I had a short relationship with a man who had bipolar disorder(I didn’t know!) That threw me for a big loop since I was crazy about him. I finally thought The Heck with Men and decided to go through the process to get my foot fixed and get my life back. The only way I had of achieving this was to move someone into my house to achieve this. I did that as hard as it was, and wouldn’t you know my ex narc contacted me during my convalesce time and tried to cheer me up and professed his love big time and wanted to come see me.

    I thought “What will be the harm to talk to him and possibly see him? We could have some fun together, even though I know he is a narc and I don’t believe his professed love. And as I thought he really wanted me more than I wanted him, what could be the harm??” I was lonely and convalesing… He was supposed to come see me next weekend(we are long distance) since I am all healed now.

    I told him not to love bomb me so much.. That all I wanted was good treatment from him even though I didn’t believe all his love talk. I knew he was on dating sites, I called him on it and asked “How am I to believe all the stuff about wanting to possibly settle down with me if you are on dating sites? It’s not like you don’t know me!” All the love talk will get to you after awhile and make you feel more for them than you should. He replied “Are we engaged? Are we committed? Have we said we will be monogamous yet? Why don’t you wait until after we see each and THEN look to see if I am still on dating sites?” I know that works with normal people, but not with a narc since I didn’t trust him.

    I replied I know that is the way it should be and tried to calm down. He had asked me not to date anyone till we met and he wouldn’t also. I did believe him there because we texted or talked every nite, even on weekends. About 3 weeks later I looked on his facebook page and found a “new” gorgeous “friend” he just added on facebook and traced her picture back to Match.com. Okay, that was it because there was all this talk about possibly getting back together for good since we are the same age and he is about to retire and I have the ability to travel and go where he wants to in the country. This woman might not have been anything, but he couldn’t resist carrying on.. I told him “It looks like we are not on the same playing field. I am not on Match. How is anyone supposed to get together if we just keep looking??” He told me to quit stalking him! We have sent a few texts since then, but now he has gone stone silent! He didn’t like getting caught and figured I was too much trouble. I told him in the beginning I am not a doormat and he said he wouldn’t treat me like one! That he would try to be an equal with me. HA! That he was tired of sleeping alone..

    I do believe he has been sleeping alone and is probably half miserable. His older, divorced child is living with him now. He(my ex narc) is older now and his great looks have faded, even though his charm has not.. How is somebody like this ever supposed to get someone and keep them for very long with all of this bad treatment. I think he is beginning to recycle people right now, but I don’t think he will be able to keep them for long because he usually picks smart women who don’t have to lean on him financially. He has money, but doesn’t want to share that much, so younger women are not going to stay with him.. I wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t try to recycle me in a few months time! Ugggh….

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  2. Only Me

    Good post Carrie. I’m so glad you are blogging about his. Reading what others have to say about these disordered ones, I feel I am so not adequate (in a good way!) to telling it like it is with these guys. I just couldn’t play or dance to his tune. I was such lousy supply! LOL.

    Never got hoovered back, but then what I can expect? I outed him on cheater sites, blogged about his rat-snake-hood to both him and the world! Emailed him and I ripped him up one side and down the other!

    I gloated and laughed at him about how I knew he was scamming his OW (my replacement) because she had money and property that he was eager to get his hot little meat hooks into [which he did]! He legally owns at least half of all her property now! She handed it all over to him!

    I never let him see me cry, or emotionally broke down in front of him! I never begged for his butt back…in fact, I took him for hundreds of dollars worth of cash and merchandise on his credit cards and bank account.

    I did not react emotionally to his pathetic triangulation tricks as I taunted him back! In fact, I think he really did feel in danger by the end of it as he ran off screaming “I was insane! I was insane!” Yes, he was… like in the old saying if you mess with the bull (or cow in this case! Hehehehe.) you get the horn. For some reason he seemed terrified of me! Others noticed it too!

    I unleashed my wrath on him like nobody’s business. I don’t think he ever expected that, and it scared the crap out of him! I don’t think he’ll ever seek a round two…I don’t see it, but then I guess I could always be wrong about that. I’m not desperate for a man or any man! I’m not even sure what I’d do with one anymore! Maybe keep him as a pet? I don’t know. LOL.

    Maybe my sorry excuse of a childhood with crazy and alcoholic parents toughened me up, I don’t know. It doesn’t matter anymore. I’d like to think it did and made me grow up a strong like that song “A Boy Named Sue”, I can take care of myself. That’s what he’d have to deal with! https://youtu.be/WOHPuY88Ry4

    But I doff my hat to you lady, I love your style! Best wishes always!

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    1. Kathy

      Only Me,,, I love it!.. You are not good supply!! 🙂 I don’t think I am great supply either. He is very suspicious of me, as he should be 🙂 They won’t make great pets though.. Since they don’t obey!!

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      1. Only Me

        I’m kind of thinking it’s not necessary to do anything about him Karma may yet bite him in the butt at some point. If his OW ever smartens up, gets sick, or the money flow stops, he just might end up in the living arrangement he set up with his sister years ago.

        Meaning, he gets to live in a back bedroom of his sister’s double wide trailer. At 70, and looking every day of it, I wouldn’t be surprised if also one day, he had to wear those Depends Diapers around the trailer as well…(his health isn’t that great with diabetes and high blood pressure among other things!) He’s a stroke or heart attack waiting to happen from what I know.

        But you know what? I’m not worrying about such things. He’s not my problem anymore, and that’s always a good thing! I’ve got my own life to lead. Cheers!

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    2. Nemo

      I love your style. I became tough by moving across the world and starting my life from scratch. I have written below how I sent him an email a couple of days ago giving it to him with both barrels and proving I was stronger than him and leaving him in no doubt that he was history then following it up with one giving me the absolute last laugh. Have been told he was very unhappy last night. LOL!

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  3. Maria

    Wow! That is so scary, that you may hear from them years later! I have been no contact for a year now. I hate to admit this, but I think about him every single day. I was feeling a little week and missing some of his family members. I have blocked him from everything because I know I would not be strong enough to resist if we sweet talked me. One of my problems is I never saw anything to make me think he was cheating on me. I’m sure he was though, because EVERYTHING else fits. I just pray he leaves me alone and never shows up on my door step!

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    1. Only Me

      Good action you’ve taken to protect yourself Maria. Nearly 5 years after the D&D, I admit I still think about him, perhaps a little too much. It’s not with longing or need though. In fact, there’s very little emotion there at all anymore. Just random, unfocused thoughts…about the way he looked and behaved badly toward me at times. My memories have dimmed considerably with time, so that’s good. He’s all just faded memories now.

      Blocking them is smart! I’ve done that too. In addition, I’ve changed email addresses, phone numbers, blocked him on social media like Facebook. Not content with these actions, I’ve also taken steps to remove my identity on the internet, and have personal information about me removed from sites like Spokeo. Very little comes up about me anymore.

      Doesn’t hurt to Google yourself occasionally see where you might be referenced. I also use a lot of aliases now. Rarely, do I ever use my real identity, and I generally use the most private settings on those accounts wherever I can. Good luck to you, and best wishes.

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  4. Karen

    OMG is right! Omg…GREAT GREAT POST!!! It’s almost like I just finished reading a horror movie! And yes I would be the one to get ‘sucked’ in again…wanting to hear the apology, the tears, etc. Yup, I would fall for it.

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  5. Left With Nothing

    Again we have a story of the classic Hoover syndrome. The platonic friendship she thought she had was him stringing her, gaining info and getting ready for the attack of his undying love. At his convenience, of course.

    So sorry that Memo got her heart broken again!

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  6. Nemo

    Hey thanks everyone 🙂 It must have driven him nuts that every time I saw him until this year, all he got for his love bombing was a peck on the cheek before I left the country and it took him so long!

    Now the reason I know D is a narc is because I have known her longer than I’ve known him and seen her narc behaviour with several guys before and since she zoomed in on him, The stories of how she treated him (and her many other ex husbands) came from other mutual friends. He rarely mentioned it, we talked about other things, I wasn’t really interested in anything to do with her. I know how hard it was for him to finally walk out that door. I also know from mutual friends who stayed in touch with them, he was always asking if they knew where I was.

    There has been a postscript. Like an idiot I hit the bottle when I first found out he was seeing B again and did what none of us should ever do, send a drunken email giving him both barrels about what a gutless liar he was and how I had felt like I was just a “rehearsal” for his grand reconciliation with B etc etc something I had never done in the past because I was still on the eggshells. I then, last night sent a jolly one saying “look what happens when you hit the bottle after years of being teetotal, Goodbye!”

    Got a reply straight away, saying basically “sorry you had to find out that way but there was no easy way to tell you”. Now all of us here can tell that’s not what a narc would say, they would be leaving the door ajar and never apologise, he would have blamed ME for coming back here (he had already started to do that when we were together, if you loved me you’d come back etc etc). It was addressed using a name for me that he has never used but B knew me as. So I an only conclude that B read the email and did the reply!

    I am very lucky in that 12,000 miles separate us and my marriage is OK, just evolving, and now I really appreciate what a kind and gentle man my husband is. I can count my blessings and now just have to get back to physical and mental health, this whole thing got me starting smoking again, I have lost 10 kg in weight and I’m not going to let scum like him undo all the work it took to quit!

    When this rollercoaster began 35 years ago I took up karate and that focussed my mind and made me physically and mentally stronger and better able to manage my anger. I highly recommend it! I will be starting again as soon as my new metal hip will let me!

    My mother told me many years ago as teenage me sobbed over his latest betrayal that my unhappiness actually said as much about me as it did about him and I had to face and overcome whatever it was in me that let this pattern repeat, that my misery was actually a kind of addiction I had to recover from so that next time he came running I would be able to hold my head high and walk away. Wise words. But how many teenage girls listen to their mums? It isn’t until you are much older you realise they were right about everything!

    Love to you all xx

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    1. Neil

      As I read your initial post Nemo I believed D was a narc because females can be just as narcy as males, and I’ve tolerated both. My narcdar is now excellent at picking out the detail and the signs, and it’s is easy to believe this is a male dominated situation but experience teaches me that it is not sex related, although it is easy to presume that only one Narc could possible exist in your life where I can count at least 3. Thankfully now zero 👍🏼

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Nemo, I am so glad I have been of some help in dealing with this. Thank you for letting me know. Everyone deals with obstacles in life differently but I have always found that it was easier for me to look at it has a life lesson and learn as much as I could about what I was going through, as if I was doing a research paper for school. I always figure nothing is ever a waste of time if you learn from it and can help others with what you learned. It is the only way I can ever deal with anything. So I am really glad I have been able to help you in some way!
      Big hugs
      Carrie

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  7. Neil

    Having suffered years of narc abuse from a brother and father, who I completely disowned and escaped, I fell for a narc female who behaved much as the narcs do, sleeping around, twisting the truth etc. Although I loved her it was much easier to let go because I had already learnt my lesson. Now I’m with a loving partner who actually cares about me, and I learned to tailor my selection process to suit the personality I wanted, so for those who think life can’t go on, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, meet that right person who shows REAL empathy and love, and move on, because as they say life goes on. I still have my good and bad days but the bad days are more bareable now. What I will say is that as hard as things get with a narc, walking away is the best thing, and if you think it’s difficult or impossible, I had to disown virtually everyone in my life in order to achieve it and start a fresh, and the narcs still damaged my career, and still try to suck me of life, but I expose where possible, and forget where I can, and now they fear me rather than anything as I have become an anti-narc who refused to take the crap and as such can live a relatively normal life 😇

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Neil, excellent advice and I am happy for you to have met a good loving woman who appreciates you and supports you. I don’t know how long you took between the narc and starting to date again, and to each their own but I find that if a victim starts to date too soon and without learning all about narcs and then all about themselves and their weaknesses and learn to love themselves first, they end up with another narc. They don’t go looking for another narc but they have forgotten what a good actor the narc can be and the first guy/gal who comes along who thinks they are wonderful and the best thing that ever happened to them, they fall in love again and are shocked when it turns out to be another narc.
      Narcs are so good at faking empathy in the beginning, victims have to remember the beginning, not the abuse; if they are to avoid another one. And have worked on their self confidence and self love so they don’t need someone to make them feel desirable and lovable.
      Thanks for your insightful comment,
      HUgs,.

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  8. Ellebelle2015

    Yes they are five year old kids and really nasty kids. I saw that from the beginning of the relationship. At first it has something appealing, but later on you realize it is so stupid to act like a kid. Being with a narc for more than 30 years you could say I know all the ins and outs. So it is never too late to defeat them with their own weapons. Like silent treatment to them forever!!

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    1. kim

      ellebelle i was also in it for 30yrs i love your analogy to think of them as nasty little kids this is exactly how they act in every way they dont seem so scary and intimadating to think of of them like this thankyou for your interpredation and help xxx

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      1. Ellebelle2015

        Kim, I told him sometimes, he acts like a five year old child. What is the problem? he asked. Why couldn’t I behave like a five year old child?
        On and on he told me a story about him waititng for a friend and his parents to go to the beach. They drove past him, without taking him with them. I heard more af that stories from him. Was that the moment he was changing from a nice child into a nasty child? Or were these things happening, because he was a nasty child allready? I bet it is the last one.

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  9. Anonymous

    I’m considering divorcing my husband he has bipolar and I suspect as well NPD. He has done a world of harm to me and never ever ever stood up or took responsibility for his actions until we became separated. Now, he tells me he would ” die” for me and that he has changed, sends flowers and cupcakes. He too blames me and says I don’t love him enough to keep our family together. ( we have a 1 year old daughter) I’m her primary care taker, I’m afraid to file for divorce 1. I don’t want to hurt my spouse…2. I can’t imagine him taking care of our daughter. He’s never been alone with her, and has zero patience with terrible mood swings. I am such a private person thst it’s hard enough me writing this…i would love any kind of input …:)

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