Finding Inner Peace– Lessons Learned From Humpty Dumpty

humpty

I was going through old posts for the book and trying to organize the blog a bit, pull posts over to the new site etc; when I came across one of my favorite posts, I have edited it and am reposting it because I think there are a few new members to the blog who can use it right now. (So if this sounds familiar, you are not having deja vu, you have read it before, here.)

Also it is also going to be the first post on my new site “No Reim’er Reason” which is more focussed on healing ourselves than on the narcissist and would have been the first part of my workshop on finding inner peace and setting boundaries. 

So gather round kiddies, here is lesson #1 on finding inner peace!

Finding Inner Peace – Lessons Learned From Humpty Dumpty

If you have been coming here any length of time you know that I love analogies. I always find it easier to digest something if I have an analogy and my mind always seems to go there; I guess it’s because I’m always looking for the message in everything that happens in my life or around me. Many children’s nursery rhymes have very deep messages in them. I avoided reading many children nursery rhymes to my son for that reason, I didn’t like the message they sent.

I am sure not many people would think of the nursery rhyme Humpty Dumpty and think it is a profound message for victims of narcissistic abuse.

The narcissist puts you up on the “wall” the pedestal, and when he decides to discard you, you “Take a great fall” and are left in a million pieces; broken, without any idea how to put yourself back together again. Many victim’s frantically look for a man to make them feel loved and “OK” again. But all the kings horses and all the kings men, can’t put you back together again.

Only you can do that. 

I love this song and the way Alex and Sierra sing this, I think most victims of a narc can relate.

The odds are that if you rush to get involved again with another man you will find yourself smack dab in the middle of another narcissistic relationship because you are too needy and they are so enthralled with you, you soak up the attention and it feels so good after the horrible discard of the N. Now, not only has he found the love of his life, you have also; but what you forget is that the N’s don’t love; so it is easy for them to “fall in love” quickly. You on the other hand need time, it is not normal to be able to fall in love that quickly, it is normal to hurt and need time to recover. You meet someone new and in typical narcissist fashion they play your knight in shining armor, doing anything they can to make you feel special and loved. The hurt from the past narc evaporates in the heat of your new passionate love relationship and you think you are healed. The trouble with that is; all you have done is transfer your self worth from one man to another. You are now relying on a different man to provide you with value. You still don’t know your own worth or believe you are lovable and worthy. The new guy puts you back up on the wall but you are teetering, unsteady from the first narc so it doesn’t take as much to send you crashing off the edge again. As with anything fragile that breaks, the next time it breaks even easier and into more pieces.

History repeats itself, you are doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over until you learn from the experience and he is going to keep treating women like he treated you because there is pay off in it for him, he always wins, the victim loses. 

The only way to make sure you do not become an N magnet is to get to know yourself and become a person you like, until you do you will continue to base your self-worth on the views of others. Until a person is truly broken they don’t have the opportunity to look at all the pieces that make them who they are and decide who they really are.

Victims often describe themselves as “broken” , it seems inadequate but I don’t think there are words that can describe it. Can one person be more broken than another person? I don’t know, I can’t imagine feeling anymore broken than I did when JC and I split.

Many victims who take the time to heal properly and completely and do all the inner work necessary, describe the experience as a “rebirth” and they actually would not change the past because they have attained such a peace and serenity they wouldn’t want to lose it.

As far as my experience with JC, if given the choice of erasing him out of my life, I would not do it. Although the journey getting here was the most painful thing I have ever endured and I have no idea where my future will lead I would not change anything. It is so hard to put into words and I wish I could tell you how you can fast track yourself to this kind of peace and serenity, but the whole painful process, the pain, the tears, the self doubt, battling the need to call him, the sleepless nights all work to bring you here. The more people I talk to about it the more I hear of people who are rewarded for their pain and suffering with an inner peace they have never known before. It is a peace that is not reliant on anyone else’s moods or approval, it is not a fragile thing, it will not break in a million pieces if someone disapproves of you, it is as if you have a secret, a special gift that is given to a chosen few. The ones willing to do the hard work. I believe some people never attain this kind of inner peace because unless you have severe trauma and loss in your life you are never broken enough that you are challenged with putting yourself back together. I believe that true deep personal growth is born out of deep emotional pain and loss. No one does a deep analysis of themselves if life is going along rosie.

How do you get it? Well, when you are broken, when you have no self-confidence and don’t even know who you are anymore, you have no identity because it was so wrapped up in what the N told you about yourself and you were so busy trying to be everything he seemed to want, yet he kept changing his mind. Mixed in are the things you were told you were or should be by everyone else you have ever known, your parents, siblings, bosses, teachers, boyfriends, friends.

All of a sudden you are sitting there, an empty shell of a person, barely able to breathe, unable to put two intelligent thoughts together or decide what to eat for lunch and all around you are tiny pieces of you scattered at your feet.

life

You have no choice, you have to start putting yourself back together, so you pick up a piece, on it is written “too sensitive” you hold it, look at it and study it. Are you too sensitive? Or were you perceptive and he was trying to throw you off track? have you been told before in your life that you were too sensitive? Who told you that? What were they doing, were you too sensitive or were you being perceptive? Ok maybe you are a sensitive person, do you want to be different? can you be different and eventually you take that piece and put it back in the empty shell that is you. It may be modified to some degree but now you are willing to own it, it is part of you.

You pic up another piece, maybe it says ” stupid” so you look at that, study it, are you stupid? you did well in school, who told you that you were stupid? and you decide whether you are going to own that one. You have no proof that you are stupid, you don’t even know why you have packed that for years, you realize you were packing it before you even met the N, so you throw it away, you don’t own that one, and you go on to the next piece and so on. 

it takes a long time, it won’t take place in a day or a week, it is a totally personal thing because only you know the lies you have been told about yourself, the lies you tell yourself. It is hard work, it takes you back to childhood hurts and stuff you have had buried in your sub-conscience for years, a life time. 

I am not saying that i don’t still have moments of self-doubt, those voices in your head are persistent but now I am so aware of them that the minute they start chattering in my head I stop myself and think about what they are saying. Are they correct? or are they old issues that I have resolved and my mind is falling back into old ways of thinking.peace

For example, while with James I always had this fear that if I am myself with people they will eventually see the part of me that JC saw and not like me. JC never identified what it was that he could not live with, what views of mine were so dysfunctional  that he could not live with them, just that he could not live with “my dysfunctional views of the world” and my “warped reality”. I can look back and throughout my whole life I was given the message that, the real me was flawed. I never understood why my family thought I was such a loser and I never asked because I really didn’t want to hear it, I didn’t know how to be anything different. I could fake it, but when you are a fake you always worry about people finding out the truth and not liking you. You always feel you are a failure. Most parents don’t purposely say cruel things and my mother probably doesn’t even remember the day she was standing at the kitchen sink doing dishes and I was standing beside her drying, excitedly tell her about the handsome man at the bank who had asked me out. She stopped washing dishes for a minute and deep in thought she said, “I wonder why on earth he asked YOU out?” and then continued doing the dishes. Or when I heard that my dad had called me a “flake” to his friends, (I know now it was because I knew he was having an affair and he was afraid I was going to blow his cover). Or when my dad searched my room and found my poetry and called a family meeting and read it out loud and laughed and the family all sat there while I was mocked and belittled. I WAS sensitive and shy, from my first memories. It was when I took a personality test at 16 Personalities that I realized, I am a personality type, there are others like me, I am not flawed, I am actually a rare and much needed personality in this world.  

My whole adult life I have had self doubt, I learned to live with it and was able to put a front up. Everyone thought I was confident and self assured and as far as work and my intelligence I was confidence but when it came to my personal relationships and whether I felt attractive or not; I went through hell. If I entertained I would put on a lavish spread of food, the house would be perfect, I would be the perfect host and then once everyone was gone I would pick the whole night apart. “Why did I say that?” “What did they mean by that?” “The meal could have been better.” I would get myself to the point of tears thinking about all the areas I failed and fearing that I did or said something that revealed to everyone that I am a “flake”. No one in my family ever told me exactly what it was about me that made me a flake, my dad started it and my brother picked it up, calling Carrie a flake became a joke; for everyone but me.

So it was perfectly natural when James started saying I was flawed and he couldn’t handle my dysfunctional views; for me to believe him.

Through the healing process I have learned the voices in my head are not always right, I have to stop myself and analyze what the voices were saying to see if there is any truth there. I also have to ask myself, “so what if they did get to know you better and don’t like you? What will happen if they don’t like you?” Nothing!! Life will go on and it’s not that I am unlikable or a bad person, not everyone is going to like me, I don’t like everyone so why do I think everyone should like me? I have peace about it. I like me and I don’t want to change anything about me, I don’t need the approval of any one, I may like people to like me but it is not a need. 

Does that make sense? 

I have a peace about the future, yes I stress about money, that is the big thing right now, but it is something I can not do a lot about right now either. I do what I can and I am doing the things I need to do to make more money but these things take time. I can only do my best and I am at peace with that. I know in the long run I am going to be ok, I just have to make it through these tough times. That is a peace I have never felt before in my life. A peace that comes from facing a challenge you never thought you would survive and making it through.

It is being so thankful for the calm and peace of not having JC in my life causing drama and trauma every chance he gets. It is coming home and knowing what is behind the door. There is still uncertainty in life, challenges, disappointments, there always is….. we don’t need an N in our life creating more. There is nothing more soul-destroying than having the person you love sabotaging your happiness. A person that loves you should rejoice in your happiness not take pleasure from your pain but some of us may have been raised in a family where the people who are supposed to love you actually try to keep you down. People can be selfish that way, many people don’t like to see someone grow, succeed, have confidence; it is as if it diminishes them in some way or they feel by putting you down it makes them look better. We don’t have to own that, we can choose to not take it.

The narcissist never “owns” his shit, he blames everyone else for everything that goes wrong and he won’t even own his own personality, he steals others. There is a huge relief and peace about owning your own shit and knowing when it is not yours to own. When the narcissist tells you that you are too whatever, look at him and tell him, “I refuse to own what you are saying about me.”There is nothing more they can say, how can you argue with someone who refuses to own what you are telling them? 

I find it really interesting that a year ago I had my eyes checked, it had been a few years, probably just before JC and I splitting. MY eyesight had not changed in 20 years. But last time I had them checked my eyesight had improved! who’s eye sight improves with age? Co-incidence? a rather interesting one, seeing as everything in my world seems so much clearer since I left James and embarked on this journey of self discovery.

So before I get on with my day, (it is noon and I still have not showered or dressed) I want you to think about it; if you are lying there broken, don’t expect someone to put you back together again, not the king’s men, not the men on Plenty of Fish or the men on Match.com, just pick up a piece of you and decide if it is yours to own or not and if it isn’t; throw it in the garbage or burn it. Only keep the pieces of you that truly make you who you are and who you are comfortable being; you can’t help but like yourself. Then you won’t need a man and when you do meet a man who loves you, you will be able to enjoy it and not fear losing it because your self-worth won’t be wrapped up in his love.

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22 Replies to “Finding Inner Peace– Lessons Learned From Humpty Dumpty”

  1. Not owning their shit is when they up the anti. After one of her daily rages at me, for getting a box delivered to my mum’ , she told me to get out, as she often did. I had the box delivered tomy mum’s because she had already barred me from having any more things in our flat, I was actually trying to avoid more rage and conflict. She unleashed merry hell on me, saying I was making her look crazy. This was the final discard and I left because I simply couldn’t take any more. I was replaced with another ‘childhood sweetheart’ in a matter of weeks.

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    1. Carlo, they never own their own shit. The message I was hoping people would get from the post is we don’t have to own their shit either and only have to own our own shit. When you own your own shit, you stop caring if anyone else owns theirs and go on with your life. Do you see that having stuff delivered to your mother’s house to avoid conflict was really unhealthy? That if you were owning your own shit and staying true to yourself and your inner core; it would not have even been an option, you would have left long before or had it delivered to the house. Unless you are a hoarder but then you would be the sick one, right? In a healthy relationship, stuff like that does not happen, period. You are dwelling on stuff that you can not change, she is sick, she made you sick and now it is time to stop dwelling on that and start to look for ways you can be a healthy, confident, person with boundaries who would never even consider not having something delivered to his residence.

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      1. Hi Carrie, I know I’m dwelling again, hopefully the new meds will help me with that. I’m not a hoarder of any sort, these were actually items to do with my work. She raged at me over anything and everything, then used to tell me I made her like that. She would even rage at me over what I would get for Xmas off other people, saying I didn’t need ‘x’. It was a daily battle, whether it was what I was cooking for her, how I cooked it, what ingredients I bought, saying I was too chirpy in the morning giving her a lift to work at 05:30 etc etc. She would always storm off on me and give me the silent treatment, never an apology. This went on for five years. I broke the pattern of me begging her to come back after every argument she caused. After being told the relationship was over and being asked to leave for the millionth time, I actually did. I was replaced shortly after and discarded like yesterday’s rubbish, like I’d never even existed. I know I did the right thing but I never thought the healing process was going to be so difficult. Ironically, she waited until the nest was feathered in our new home and I’d spent money on it and decorated it with my pensioner mum. She actually offered to pay me back when she was all full of bravado about the breakup. Obviously she reneged on that. I know full well she has told everyone that I am crazy etc. I just want to return back to my old self, the person I was before I met her.

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        1. Carlo, you will never be the person you were before you met her and nor should you be; that person was obviously not really confident in who he was and felt he had to give in to a bully to be loved. This is your opportunity to be a better version of you! To learn and grow and find happiness and contentment you never thought possible.
          Can I ask why you and your mother were decorating the place when it was your home with your ex? You are dwelling on daily battles, you are saying you wish the healing process was not so hard, so why do you make it so hard? I am not trying to be cruel, I am trying to show you that it does not have to be this hard.
          You can train your brain to not dwell on the past and to appreciate today and work to make your tomorrows brighter and full of love and happiness. When you catch your thoughts drifting back to those unhappy, painful times, change what you are thinking about. Argue with yourself. When you hear her saying you used the wrong ingredients, tell yourself what she thinks doesn’t matter, you know whatever you cooked was good, it was stupid and petty of her to complain and keep repeating that. Tell yourself you are no longer a victim, that is in the past, you are now a survivor on a quest to be the best you that you can be. The past is just that, the past. Nothing can change the past, but YOU have the power to change youra future.
          It doesn’t make sense that you would want a person like that in your life, I understand you are hurt and it is hard but you have to pull yourself back to the present when you feel yourself sliding back. Your brain only know what you put in it and the longer you dwell on the painful past, you will be in pain. It won’t magically go away. Every time you think about her you embed the pathway to thoughts of her deeper in your brain. You have to stop yourself and force yourself to think of something else, turn the thoughts back to today and what can you do today that is positive and healthy? Any small thing is a start. Stop and smell a flower or stop and watch the sunset, watch the sun go down until it disappears and enjoy the colors and how they play off of the surrounding area. Pet a puppy and let it lick your face and climb all over you. Allow yourself to feel joy.
          As much as we say we hate the pain, there is a small part of us that enjoys being the victim and we get to the point where we don’t know how to be anything but a victim, we have nothing else to talk about, it defines us, it is what we do. Without being the victim we don’t know who we are. We have to reinvent us and that is what the post is about, it is about finding the real us and embracing that person. No one said it was easy but it sure the hell beats being a victim the rest of our life. And people do stay victims, if they choose to take the easy road and not work on themselves there is no magic healing, like James ex, she stayed a victim for over 15 years, allowing him to hurt her by taking his calls every few months or years sometimes, dwelling on all the pain he caused her, wanting to warn all the future women in his life, drinking herself to death thinking about all she lost. We all could remain a victim that is easy. But it takes work to turn the negative into a positive and grow from it.
          Every time you find yourself saying, “yeah but, she did this or she said that.” cut yourself off and find something else to occupy your mind, do something nice for a stranger, do something nice for yourself, take a deep breath of fresh air and thank God you have another day to be all you can be. Don’t let her decide who you are and how you will live. Take control back.
          Who in your past made you feel unloveable? your mother? are you still trying to win your mother’s love, will she feel sorry for you and then you feel she loves you. Or by repeating all the horrible things your ex did people will see what a good person you are and like you? You don’t want to be known as the victim do you? People don’t radiate towards victims, they move away from them. But people do gravitate to people who are working on themselves and taking control of their lives.
          You can do this if you want. it takes work though.

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          1. Hi Carrie, thanks for the reply.

            Me and my mum did the decorating because my ex was very demanding and wanted it done yesterday. She was having constant rows and battles with her mum and she was constantly being asked to leave by her mum, so she had an urgency to get out and myself and my mum offered to decorate. There was also a brand new kitchen put in and a deposit that had to be paid, both of which I paid half of. This was the first time we had a property in her name though and she wouldn’t let me move in, only staying when she said so, which always resulted in an argument anyway. I totally get what you are saying about the victim mentality, I am totally aware of how that has defined me. I do want to move on and move forward with my life, I am just having a lot of difficulty doing so and I am aware that that is down to me. Hopefully, with the help of counselling, I’ll be more equipped and able to do so. I have some CBT sessions booked, so hopefully they will help.

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  2. thankyou for this post carrie i am suffering with my health and feeling like im not coping well mainly because i am living in fear of him contacting me and messing my head with apologising and making up sad excuses about what he did i really am not fooled and have been broken by him i am keeping him away still few months havent seen him but he texts and says he would like to see me go to the pub reminds me hes my friend all i want is for him to stay away and leave me alone i am so fed up with trying to keep him out of my life but he is still very pushy talks to my daughter bout me she doesnt say much about him i really have to get myself together i have a doctors appoint soon he said have i really i am annoyed because he used to check up on me is he still doing this i am doing well at keeping him away but its such hard work i need to start healing without him interfering the anticipation is too much he wants me to move on after what he did im human i cant so quickly i feel pressured i dont return texts i delete them just finding it hard at the moment you are right carrie he used to always say i was too sensitive he used to say there must be a brain in that small head somewhere and also said i cant live with you because of your illness and anxiety he drummed it in your anxiety he didnt look at the cause which was his torment and abuse oh they can rot in hell i will stay resolute and forget about him if he stays away long enough to start my true healing i will just be strong thankyou for your words of wisdom carrie i feel better i need to know i am in control of my ownlife its just believing it i get sidetracked good luck with everything carrie xxx

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    1. Kim, I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. I know you are trying so hard but as long as you have any contact with him, he will continue to pressure you and harass you. They just do not go away unless you cut them off completely, or if they do it is with the most cruelty possible and they will still pop back into your life years down the road. I know you are worried about money and your daughter but I really wish you could go completely no contact, is there any way? It is the only way he will eventually give up, he will keep trying to wear you down and it makes it so much harder on you.
      I don’t want to diminish your illness, I know you are very ill but I swear it has a lot to do with the stress he brings into your life. I tried to do it while communicating to James and it just was not working. It was not until I went completely no contact that I really started to heal and that was well over a year after we split. I couldn’t understand why i was not healing faster but he kept ripping the bandage off the wound, it didn’t have time to heal.
      Know you are in my thoughts often and I hope and pray he backs off soon or you can find a way to go complete no contact.
      Big hugs
      Carrie

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    2. Kim, I wanted to add to my comment that you are working yourself into a state of constant anxiety because you are worrying about what “might” happen. You are projecting and worrying about how you will handle it if and when he messes with your head and apologizes, but you say at the same time you are not fooled. So what are you worried about then? You ARE handling him messing with your head, you are NOT fooled any more. You are doing it! No need to worry about it happening, it is and you are coping and handling it.
      You are so used to getting all upset, confused and manipulated by him that you don’t even realize he is not doing it to you any more. Trust that you are strong and in control because my dear, you are!!
      It is just like me thinking “I can not do this one more day” for two years. The minute I realized I had been doing it for 2 years I realized I WAS strong and I WAS doing it. I could stop worrying about not doing it. I already had!! and then i felt strong. Nothing had changed in my life except my own thoughts about the situation.

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      1. carrie thankyou so much he texted again today i deleted it again then half hour later he phoned think hes trying to get me back i dont know hes being chucked out of the flat the woman he rents from cant stand him his words looks like another job in trouble as well says things that conflict said he was lonely in the marriage thats why he left what rubbish and excuses convinces me there are no women on the scene now etc like i would care they are so convincing but i know the truth and how i am feeling so hard when youve known them so long i have a very old phone and cant seem to unblock the number just will carry on bouncing him back he would find some other way anyway i know carrie thankyou for keeping me on the right track i will put him out of my head again and concentrate on healing lot going on bad pain thats being investigated i will let you know hope you and stella are doing well thankyou so much xxx

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  3. If you give yourself time to heal, you realize the familiar patterns that have failed you in the past. I never thought I could be this happy. All put together again, just by myself and realizing I have a great life, great friends and so many blessings. What a great uncomplicated life with ample time to create good art and beautiful music. You have been a big part of this Carrie and I will be forever greatful to you and your work. Thank you for sticking your neck out with this blog. For anyone else going through the disaster that is the narcissist, you can make it. Just remember education and no contact. Then train your brain that they are total scumbags. If you are going through separation with children, you should feel no guilt. You are removing them from evil! Blessings to all.

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    1. Mary, thank you!! from the bottom of my heart. It is so rewarding to know I had anything to do with you finding peace and happiness in your life. Blessings to you! you are such a great support to everyone here!
      Big hugs

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  4. Oh dear God do you always say the right thing at the right time. I am smiling and you just kicked me so damn hard I am still rolling down the street. Please forgive me, I am so tired and hurting from my last beating. Eye is damaged am I need surgery. Too much to write tonight. I have turned to someone I trust and want so bad to go be with him.

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      1. brokn heart i really wish you well please stay away somehow from him im so sorry you are suffering like this can you get a restraing order on him report to the police noone should ever have to be a punchbag he is scum you are worth more we are here for support be safe xxx

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      2. cARRIE YOUR WORDS ARE ALWAYS SO KIND. i REALLY AM AWAY FROM HIM. i LIVE IN MY OWN HOUSE IN ANOTHER TOWN. hE DOESNT BEAT ME, i AM POSITIVE HE AND HIS LAWYER PAY TO HAVE ME BEATEN. i HAVE NO CONTACT WITH HIM. i CONTINUE TO MOVE FORWARD AND AM DOING WELL. WELL MINUS THE BRUISES AND BUSTED EYE. i AM GOING TO SEE THE SHERIFF TOMORROW. hE HAS BEEN OUT OF TOWN. i AM 6 WEEKS INTO NURSING SCHOOL AND LOVE IT. i HAVE KNOWN SOMEONE FOR 7 MAYBE 8 YEARS AND AM REAL TEMPTED TO GET TOGETHER WITH HIM. hE HAS HIS ACT TOGETHER AND i HAVE NEVER SEEN ANY WARNING SIGNS IN ALL THESE YEARS. SO MUCH TO THINK ABOUT. i DONT KNOW IF I AM EVEN CAPABLE OF MAKING A RELATIONSHIP DECISION. hOPE YOU AND DOGGIE ARE WELL. iS IT COLD THERE?

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  5. This explains every detail of my entire life and it makes me see the truth about myself. The thing is I have nothing, he gives me everything, how do I leave when I cant even get a job so I can leave and be independent

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