Is There Too Much Pressure To Move On With Your Life?

When is it time to stop the grieving and obsessing about the ex narc and move on with your life?

I am afraid sometimes I give a mixed message on the blog, one minute I am telling people that they should take all the time they need to heal and the tears and talking about it constantly is normal and necessary in order to heal; and the next moment I am saying to not dwell on the past and force yourself to think of something else and not obsess about the ex. So which is it?

It is both! Yes you have a period of time where you replay the whole relationship in your mind because you have new knowledge, you know what they are now and your mind needs to reevaluate the whole relationship with this knowledge and come to terms with the truth of what you were dealing with. There are new realizations, lies are uncovered, they meet someone and you must deal with them moving on with the new love of their life. All that stuff has to be processed.

But that is “processing” and not obsessing. There is a difference, there is a difference between negative self talk and reframing your thoughts  so you are not keeping yourself in the victim mentality. Our brains only know what we put into them and the more we think a thought the faster our brains go to that thought, we embed it deeper every time we think about it, so it is going to take longer to heal. Some people never do because they embed the negative thoughts so deeply and get comfortable in the role of victim that its’ too much work to try and change their thought patterns. They don’t know how to be anything but a victim.

Some times, and I felt I was verging on this, my identity had become “victim”, “look what he did to me”, “I am a good person, I was only ever good to him and I gave up so much for him and look what he did!” We forget how to talk about anything other than what a horrible person he is and how victimized we are. You know what? people get really sick of hearing about how horrible he was, that is why it is good to have a place like this to come to, to vent; but people are a lot more receptive when the victim is doing things and talking like they are working on their own shit to get over it. If people see you trying to get better, working on yourself and not just wallowing in self pity; they tend to be a lot more understanding and empathetic.

Then there are the people, like James’s ex Karen, who didn’t want to let go of being the victim because it kept her attached to him in some way. If she was still a victim, she was still in his life and she was in his. Every time she called one of his new women to warn them, she pissed on her territory, she let them know she was still the victim! He had to think about her, sure he was using her to create triangulation but she didn’t see past the fact that he was still in her life. If she would have healed and stopped obsessing about him she would have had to let him go and she couldn’t do that. He was her asshole and she was not letting him go, she had forgotten what it was like to be a whole person, she got comfy in the role of victim, until she drank herself to death, a sad, lonely, bitter, hate filled, venomous, joke. Now that is pitiful, and I do feel sorry for her, I wish she could have found a place like this where she could have maybe found healing instead of drowning herself in booze and self pity.

NO, it is NOT easy! I know that! Believe me I know! But if you want a fast track to healing you are going to have to put in the effort and stop thinking of yourself as a victim and reframe it to being a survivor and from there eventually you get to a point where you are no longer a survivor, you are just you; the best you that you can be and the narcissist is responsible for the positive changes you have made in yourself and the peace you have attained because of the healing you had to do.

I tell you this from 4 years of experience, I like to think it will not take you 4 years to get to this point if I share what I learned along the way. I am the one with the scythe going ahead, making a trail, marking the trail, putting up a warning sign to not take that route, follow me, I know the way, don’t take that fork in the road, don’t take that dead end.  I walked in circles sometimes for months, lost, not knowing which way to go, you don’t have to do that.

I have found that now people gravitate to me and they want to know more about domestic abuse and narcissists because I have changed my way of relating to people, not because of some external change, it happened within me. Just like when I wailed for 2 years about not being able to do it one more day until the light went on that I had been doing it for 2 years. nothing changed in my life, my situation has not improved at all financially, it has gotten worse so how is it that I can have inner peace and not be crying and consumed with worry 24/7? Because I changed the way I view things, I changed MY way of thinking. I no longer see myself as a victim and not in control of my life, things are not happening TO me; life is happening and some how I will survive like I always have and things will unfold as they should.

Yes James did some horrible, horrible unforgivable things to me but I refuse to let him effect my whole life with his toxicity, I refuse to cling to that negativity and relive it over and over again, keeping myself beaten down. By reliving the events over and over again you are finishing the job they started. They planted the seeds and you keep fertilizing them, watering them, nurturing them and they grow in your mind, keeping you down, keeping you weak and full of self doubt. That is why it is so important to do the self analysis and take each part of you and only keep the parts you like and are truly you and throw away the rest of the crap!!

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17 Replies to “Is There Too Much Pressure To Move On With Your Life?”

  1. Fantastic post and it has resonated so much with me. I am going to read this post every day as a positive mantra to myself. I am responsible for my future happiness, not my past and not HER! Thanks Carrie.

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  2. Hi again Carrie ,
    I posted the same question a few days ago . I don’t want to be the ” victim” anymore , but I’m also finding it difficult to concentrate on my future .
    I did the NC ,and it worked amazingly .
    As the weeks went on it got soo much easier
    But I still can’t get my brain to focus on actually moving on .
    Sending you a HUGE (( hug)) you make so much sense , Thank you . xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi Carrie. I have been following your blog now for quite some time and appreciate all of your posts. They’ve helped me so much. Thank you for being here!

    I had something interesting happen last Sunday. I did know it would happen and now that it has I have been a little thrown off. You know all the memories flood back.

    And here I thought I was moving on….

    Anyway after almost 2 years my ex narc monster contacted me through Facebook. The message was short and he came across as the victim telling me that he knows what I have been doing. What he is referring too is that he got into porn very heavily and then accused me of that. In fact he has smeared my name all over town. Thank God I left that town. He told me he didn’t care about that at all but wanted me to contact him because he wants to have a conversation with me.

    I have ignored it as I haven’t had any contact with him since the day I left. Then the most weirdest thing happened the other day. You see he’s in construction so he goes all over for work and I was out driving to the store and there was his car parked on the side of the road in my town at a very small construction site! Holy!! If I didn’t take a short cut because of all the road work I would have never known.

    You know I’m thrown off by it all. I have been slowly moving forward. I have PTSD so it’s difficult
    sometimes still but I really thought I was doing well and now I’ve been hit with the flood of memories all over again.

    Why would he try to contact me after all this time? What’s the purpose?

    I feel so alone. Thanks for letting me vent and thank you so much for being here.

    Vickie

    Liked by 1 person

    1. HI Vickie. If your ex is a real narc, he could be stalking you. He needs supply in the form of any feelings he can still make you feel. Can you stay somewhere else for a few days? Do you have friends who can stay with you to keep you strong? Stay in contact with us and if he tries to contact you without your permission, go to see the Police and tell them that your abusive ex is stalking you. Hugs. x

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      1. Hello Carrie

        Yes, he is a super narc in the sickest sense of the word. When I read about your life with your narc you explicitly spelled out mine. It was so mind boggling when I read your story Carrie. You wrote out my entire life with my ex! Before I came to your blog I thought I was the only one. How someone can have no feeling, empathy or soul was amazing. He was so selfish and only cared about himself and his needs!!! What about my needs he’d always scream at me. In the last 3 years we were together I was waiting for major surgery for some female repair stuff you know. I was still able to have sex but he actually created more damage though because he was so rough. On Jan 10th 2012 I finally had my surgery, 3 hours long, and he forced me to leave the hospital before I was supposed to leave because he didn’t want to be in there. And he was tired and hungry. He wanted me to make him dinner. Plus he didn’t like the way the nurses were treating me. That was the first time I was treated with respect in so long. He called me an F*** wimp. He also wanted sex. And I couldn’t afterwards! He didn’t care, he thought I was pretending.

        I was with him for 16 years and left him on Jan 12, 2014 two days after surgery. I don’t know how I did it but somehow I knew that he would kill me. I knew I was too weak from the surgery and couldn’t fight.

        I was his slave, he is a super clean freak so I had to clean every single day literally scrubbing floors, bathrooms, laundry, making gourmet meals for him. If something wasn’t clean enough he’d drag me out of bed if needed to get it clean. If he didn’t like what I cooked he threw it out without a thought even if I spent hours on it. He’d always say, I told you how I liked things when we met.

        Sometimes he’d be mad for no apparent reason and give me the silent treatment for days until I apologized. It was my fault he’d say. But I never knew what it was I was apologizing for. He’d say I’d better smarten up and if I didn’t like it here then leave so that he could find someone else.

        He had hidden spy equipment in the apartment and was video taping me at home. He had all the phones bugged. He knows all about installing audio equipment of all kinds. It’s his passion. Sound equipment and so on.

        He lies about everything even things you don’t need to lie about! And he’d get caught in the them of course but would blow it off in his way. Everything was a lie. I couldn’t believe that.

        He started messing around with the girls at work and constantly left obvious clues for me to find. When I confronted him he said I was hallucinating. He’d wait until I fell asleep at night so he could get on the computer and download all his dirty pictures to the computer. Then he’d make dirty movies with them. Just before I left he started accusing me of being into the porn stuff! At the time I was shocked until I realized that was going to be his game plan. That way he will look like the poor little innocent. The people I’ve talked too in that town since I’ve left have told me that he’s saying I left him to be a porn star. OMG. I’m 58 years old Carrie. I love knitting and cats and my children from a previous marriage. That’s it.

        He ended up putting spy stuff on the computer too so that he could see what I was doing on the computer. I’m actually building a website on knitting of all things. I’m waiting for him to destroy that somehow.

        Every ounce of my life has been sucked out of me. I lost absolutely everything when I left him even my kids baby pictures, mementos and so on. Everything I own now has been donated to me. I’m on disability with PTSD and fibromyalgia. I have to go for heart tests, gees.

        After him messaging me for the first time in 21 months on Facebook last Sunday I’m wondering what’s next and how safe I really am even though I’m in a different town. You know I’ve never been afraid of him and refuse to hide in fear anymore but I am now starting to wonder if there is more to be concerned about.

        He was so wonderful at first!!! Just like you said. I adored him in the beginning. Wow. It was truly a fairy tale. Ha

        I will keep a closer watch Carrie. Why would he stalk me? I know it sounds like a dumb question but he’s free now. He can do whatever he wants.

        I wish I had another place to stay but I just don’t.

        Thank you so much for your concern. I don’t feel so alone knowing you’re here. It’s so hard to understand how after almost 2 years he wants to talk with me. I just don’t get it. Oh well nothing about narcs are understandable.

        Thanks again Carrie.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. hello vickie i too have fibromyalgia and can relate to a lot you are saying i have anxiety too and he also got me doing uncomfortable things and is heavily into porn they are sick by the way i started doing some knitting when he left me i was beside myself i dont even remember how i knitted 2 hats and a bag since not knitting since i was a child maybe its the fibro fog i dont know i wish you well xxx

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    2. Vickie,

      Proceed with care. As Carrie said in this post, she is the jungle guide and I wholehearted agree with her analogy. This Narc is up to no good. He’s trouble and any engagement with him, even to say “No” to his face is still engagement that will give him significance. Aha! She bit the bait and he sees the gap which he will work on until it gets bigger and bigger. Before you know it. So no. Stay away. Stay no contact!!! And well done so far for staying away. My analogy is – getting involved with the Narc who was in my life for 20 years ( plus the one the year before we married) is like getting stung by a million bees, and still get to feel the aftereffects long after the bees have gone.
      Best wishes

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    3. Hi Vicki, I’m so sorry you’re going through this scary time right now. That FB message was definitely bait. See how vague it is? A knee jerk reaction would be to wonder what he meant. “What does he know that I’ve been up to?” He expects you to want to know so badly. Such a game.

      But it’s a trap, bait. Ignore it. Don’t take the bait.

      Also, you can block people on FB if you want, and you can do it without going to their page. Sign in and then go up to that little upside down triangle in the upper right of the screen and click. It should take you to General Settings Page. Then on the left you should see a little red circle and next to it, it says Blocking. Click and fill out the person’s name. If more than one person has that name it will come up with a list for you to choose from. Hope this helps.

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      1. Thank you so much everyone for your responses. I really appreciate it. It’s so hard to do this alone.

        I will go and block him on FB Safire. Thanks for telling me how to do that. Oh and when he is telling me that he knows what I have been up too, he is saying that he knows I’m a porn star but doesn’t care at all, he just wants to have a conversation with me. He’s playing it up and it just floors me. Unless he is also trying to let me know in a manipulating way that he is watching me. He is totally playing the part of charming, innocent hard working lovable guy that was done wrong.

        I always knew he would bide his time and then try to make a re-connection. He has to show me how well he’s doing, it’s all part of his game.

        Well…thanks again for everything….you’ve all been so kind.xxx

        Liked by 1 person

  4. For sure that first year post D&D was rough! I had a lot of things to figure out. But even fresh from the D&D, the very same evening – I swore to myself with clenched fists that I was going to get past all the pain, and be stronger than ever! I knew I was going to be okay!

    No, psycho boy isn’t the worst out there. I benefited from the fact he had his OW to take up his time and energies. As “Victims” go, I got off remarkably much better than many out there! It didn’t take me long in my research to find out what was wrong with him. I lost no money or property. I was never beaten or physically abused. We were long distance separated by several states. He never got me isolated, and I was able to avoid moving in with him.

    The experience of being involved with a disordered one was a trial by fire I admit, but I survived it, became stronger than ever, just as I vowed I would. I’ve even been able help others in the process. Today, I see him as pathetic. At 70, I know his health is failing, and he is weakening. I actually feel more pity than anything for him! Funny, despite all the anger I felt early on, I never could “hate” him, or did I? LOL. I certainly wished death on him many a time, and hoped his “relationship” with the OW would fail. Maybe it did, but I’ll never know! We haven’t been in contact for years. He’s got his privacy and I’ve got mine!

    Today, I’m in a great place. I enjoy my home and family. I’ve got a lovely little romance going on the side which has lot of potential growth. Thoughts of psycho boy seem far, far, away! Now I don’t care if he dies, or his relationship with OW fails. If it does, it does. If not, it doesn’t matter. I’m hoping all the best for those folks out there, suffering heartbreak, and other misfortunes from being with a disordered one. Take care of yourselves, and know that it gets better in time!

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  5. Thanks NorthernL and Ladylass. I feel so sad and alone but it helps so much to hear from you. You understand where no one else possibly could.

    I also apologize in my fogginess I thought that Carrie had responded and I don’t think she did.

    But thank you Carrie for this blog once again. It’s the only place that truly understands the serious damage these creeps inflict on others.

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  6. great post carrie its hard when they leave you discarded for other women only to keep popping up just as you are getting somewhere and giving signals they still want you crazy you are right in saying to retrain our way of thinking and to get stronger inbetween their unwanted visits its about knowing we are in control of ourselves not them having control still seems to happen to us all they drum it into us that we need to move on but they are the ones cant let go hope he stays away for longer than a week this time thankyou carrie xxx

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  7. Carrie, this is a wonderful post. We all need to remember that we actually had a life before we danced with the devil. We need to focus on healing! It’s so easy to get so depressed, focusing on how we were abused.

    Vicki, please stay safe. This man saw how easy it was to control you before. When they have no new supply, they stalk the old supply! Glad to hear you were able to break free!

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    1. Thank you! That makes sense. I love how you word that ” danced with the devil” so true. He only slowed me down but he hasn’t stopped me from moving forward. I’ll be careful! Take care

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  8. i have been listening to a song recently with those very words in it by duke dumont ocean drive it says danced with the devil the whole song is very apt and a nice tune i felt a little releved today when i spoke to my doctor about him not staying away he said to stay strong and explain only to him i need to be left alone thats it as carrie says they are relentless good luck everyone xxx

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