I am taking a break for awhile folks. I have reached another brick wall and just can’t even think straight. I don’t know what I am going to do and feeling very defeated.
Laws of attraction, I don’t think the people writing about laws of attraction have ever been in the position of having nothing, my nothing, is probably a whole lot different than their nothing. You can’t turn nothing into something with positive thinking. I have tried. I have read all about limiting beliefs, self sabotage, and I have to be one of the most positive people I know. God to have gone through what I have and still be smiling and kicking has to prove that and I keep getting kicked back down. Everyone has their limits
I have done something to my ribs and am in excruciating pain, I can barely breath, it is cold and damp in the boat and I have been sneezing and coughing which certainly doesn’t help the rib situation. In 4 and 1/2 hours the boat is being shown to prospective buyers and I have to find a way to clean it. It has been a few days since I did anything in here because I can’t move. There is no running water and to boil water to do dishes seemed like too much work but now I will have to find the energy to do it. I hate spiders and the boat is full of them, every night they make another web, I kill them and the next day there are more. Did I mention how much I hate spiders?
I was so hopeful last week. Spending time with my son has been the best and I was facing life with a new found optimism and planning to move to Whistler, start my “rent a Mom’ business and stay with my son until I was up and running and able to afford a place to live. Rents are phenomenally expensive there, like $1000 for a bed with 4 sharing a room in a house. That is 4 people in one bedroom. It is ridiculous, people are so greedy. Businesses are closing down because no one can find a place to live on the wages they make.
But my son had a great place to live with a bunch of great people and i was welcome to stay with them, one of the guys, the one who lives in the loft said I could use his bedroom while he is gone travelling for 2 months. I had applied for a bunch of jobs from cleaning to office work and was hopeful something would come through. If i moved to my son’s place I was going to be able to paint (I haven’t painted since I have been in the boat, it just isn’t big enough) I was going to have a desk to sit at to write my book, Stella was so happy there, with her momma to play with everyday and I loved taking them for long walks in the forest.
I came home and told my brother I would be off the boat by the end of the month and I was going to take a leap of faith and move up to whistler. I was feeling so positive about it all, I just knew it would work out some how.
But, as is typical of my life lately it seems, things were not meant to be. My son was notified he and the guys have to be out of the house by Dec 1st. The owner’s husband has moved into the room I was going to be using and is starting to do some repairs on the house because they are listing it for sale. My son doesn’t know where he is going to go and might have to quit his job because it is the absolutely worst time to try to find a place to live in Whistler, the middle of ski season.
If I got rid of Stella I would have had my pick of two jobs with accommodation but I can’t, I just can’t part with her. But then if I have no where to live and no job, how can I keep her? She is such a sweetheart, so loving, it would break my heart to give her away. But is it fair to keep her when I have no where to live?
My son would not see me on the street but does he need the burden of worrying about putting a roof over my head when he has a daughter and debt of his own plus now he might be jobless and without a place to live.
I have no income since I got cut off welfare and as hard as I have tried to get work, nothing has panned out. My office experience is almost 20 years old, my banking experience even older, my age and physical limitations are really working against me. No one wants to hire a 57 year old woman with a heart condition and out of date education.
I did buy a laptop with part of the money that was donated, and I joined a writer’s course on how to monetize your blog. I bought the laptop from a friend of a friend, it was supposed to be “new”, I specified it had to be at least 4G RAM. It needed a charge cord and I have a universal one so got it cheap, $250. I got it home, plugged it in and it had 1G Ram and slower than molasses. I called my friend and she called her friend and it took a week but I got my money back. But by that time I had spent the rest of the money going back and forth to Whistler for job interviews etc and my phone was about to be cut off. So I never did get a laptop, I lived off the money instead and now it is gone and I am broke again and unable to work because I can’t move.
I can’t type any way, no where to sit properly and the pain in my side is too bad to sit typing.
It is the end of the road. For the first time in 5 years I admit defeat. I have no fight left, no idea what to do next and no money to do it. I am sick of asking for money and refuse to live off of other people any longer. No one owes me a roof over my head. Today’s economy is to blame for a lot of it, the Canadian government who has let me down at every possible turn and ultimately my own pride and stupidity.
that’s the thing with strong self sufficient women, they always think they can recoup, they give and give thinking they will find a way to make it by. I always thought I would do what I always had, find a way. all I had to do was work hard and things would be ok. But as you age you can’t work as hard and if you have nothing left you have nothing to fall back on.
I haven’t decided what to do with the blog yet, I am still hoping for a miracle to pull me out of this but right now I am in too much pain to think of anything else. And I have to clean this damn boat. I think I am going to just throw the dirty dishes away.
I just want to say to everyone; learn from my mistakes. Don’t think that you have nothing to lose by going back to him. James didn’t destroy me, but he certainly put me on the track to destruction. You are not invincible, you always have more to lose and the older you get the harder it is to recover. It may seem like you can’t survive without him/her but believe me, you can, but you might not survive the devastation they leave you in eventually. The times tick by at a phenomenal speed.
I am proud of this blog and what I have achieved here and I love and care for every single one of you. You have all helped me heal and find my purpose. It breaks my heart to walk away. I had planned my future around the blog but it just does not seem to be meant to be.
I am going to take a break and heal my ribs and decide what to do.
So I won’t be around, comments are open, I will try to moderate those messages that go for approval. FYI If you put links in your comment it automatically goes to moderation.
Take care all. Big hugs.