I Think I Am Almost Ready To Leave Him

changeAnother comment from someone on my most recent post about leaving a narcissist after 19 years.

“Iv been with my N for two and a half years. Not all of it was bad. There’s is alot of good in him but a lot bad too. He moved in with me 6 months after we got together. We didn’t discus it. He just moved himself in. I own my home so how would I get him to leave without making a huge deal about it? My close friend dates the chief of police in our town and he knows what’s going on just in case it comes to that point. The problem I’m having is he does come home to me every nite, always calls when he’s done with work and on his way home. He doesn’t really have any friends but isolated me from mine. I can’t talk on the phone with my friends when he’s around cuz it’s taking attention away from him. He always Carrys his phone around with him, won’t leave it out of his site. He will fall asleep with his phone on arm rest of couch 2 inches from his eye. And the phone is upside down with his iPad on top of it most of the time. Sex seems like a chore with him he never wants to get close (romantic, emotional) always talks piggish and makes me dress sluty and do sluty things and degrades me. I think the man has issues. I think he stalks girls and hides their numbers in work papers in his truck and has bikini pics of them on his phone. I’m scared to call him out on his bullshit cuz he gets very verbally abusive and will punch my coffee table or whatever is in front of him. He’s never laid a hand on me but has verbally threatened to smack the shit out of me numerous times. I think I’m getting close to ending it. For some reason I have to solve my game of clue. It’s locked in my head that if I get a chance to go through his phone I’ll have ALL my answered questions and I can walk away knowing that I made him look like the asshole he really deep down is. But his charm and his manipulating ways always catch me. How do I break the spell? I have 4 journals and stopped writing awhile ago. Maybe I should start again. All my coworkers and friends and family know all about the real him and they just want me to get rid of his ass and find someone that respects me and deserves me. Easier said than done. I am very loyal to him mentally and physically. He is not mentally loyal to me that’s for sure. Idk if he’s ever physically cheated on me but knowing he has mentally makes me think I’m not worth it. I can make it on my own. My kids are all grown up. He wants kids and to marry me, I absolutely would give him those things if he was normal. He’s 8 years younger than me. Maybe I should let him go so he can find the stripper kind of girl that he seems so intrigued by. Idk. Any suggestions on my situation?”

narcissistic traits

My reply.

Yvonne,

I always say I stayed 9 1/2 years too long in a 10 year long relationship. It is amazing how quickly the years slip by and before you know it you have so much time invested you think that you can’t leave now!! It is human nature to cling harder to things we are invested in, the narcissist knows that, we don’t. We think eventually we will get sick of it and have enough abuse to walk away, but it doesn’t work that way.  We keep thinking, “If I ever catch him actually cheating I will leave.” But we find a woman’s phone number on his phone and he adamantly denies anything is going on. He is indignant that we could think that of him, he comes home to us every night doesn’t he?

We find personal ads on the net, we are furious until he acts like we are the crazy one for getting upset, he would never actually DO anything about it. I photocopied all the correspondence between him and 8 women he was chatting to along his route when he was trucking, he still denied it and somehow in the course of the argument I ended up apologizing and begging him to try again.

Things get crazier and crazier and the abuse gets more blatant and severe, verbal abuse becomes shoves, then he is throwing you across the room or choking you, next the punch to the head and it is a relief because it beats the verbal abuse and silent treatment.

The longer you stay the more you put up with and the more self respect you lose, the more friends lose respect for you and drop off, the more control he gains over you, and the deeper you go down the rabbit hole until you can’t see anyway out.

Believe me, I have been there, always thinking “I will leave as soon as I have “proof” but you will never get him to admit the truth and he will deny the most incriminating evidence so well you will doubt your own eyes and ears. The game of Clue gets addicting but you know what? when you figure it all out (and you never do figure it all out because it doesn’t make sense so even when you have all the evidence you are not satisfied because you want things to make sense. The narcissist does not make sense because they do not feel like the rest of us, we can’t think like them, because of one HUGE difference between us and them. We have a conscience, we care, we have guilt and remorse and they do not. They feel totally justified in all they do and feel superior to normal people because they are not governed by morals and what is right and wrong. They also get off on our pain so will intentionally do things to hurt the people who love them. Every time you are hurt and forgive it is one more notch in his belt , one more shot of adrenaline in his arm and he thinks, “Ha! I got away with that, time to ramp it up. How far can I push her.” Every time you think you have it figured out and you have the answer to fixing him and the relationship he will twist the facts until you are so confused you question your sanity. You will keep thinking, “If I could just explain it in a way that he would understand he would stop hurting me.” “If I could just love him enough or prove how much I love him he would stop sabotaging the wonderful thing we have.”

It is never going to happen.

You said he has many good traits and you have had many good times. We all did, or we would not have been with them. They are never ALL bad, not until you have been with them 10 + years and by then you are so beaten down and invested so much of yourself, are so alone with no friends and he has methodically destroyed everything good in your life, it is all but impossible to leave.

You own your home? give him enough time and he will make sure you lose it too OR you will have been with him long enough he will have legal rights to your home (if it isn’t too late already) Don’t even entertain the thought that he would never do that to you, never underestimate the depth of their depravity and cruelty. It never gets better only worse, muh worse.

You describe the relationship like this

 He doesn’t really have any friends but isolated me from mine. I can’t talk on the phone with my friends when he’s around cuz it’s taking attention away from him. He always Carrys his phone around with him, won’t leave it out of his site. He will fall asleep with his phone on arm rest of couch 2 inches from his eye. And the phone is upside down with his iPad on top of it most of the time. Sex seems like a chore with him he never wants to get close (romantic, emotional) always talks piggish and makes me dress sluty and do sluty things and degrades me. I think the man has issues. I think he stalks girls and hides their numbers in work papers in his truck and has bikini pics of them on his phone. I’m scared to call him out on his bullshit cuz he gets very verbally abusive and will punch my coffee table or whatever is in front of him. He’s never laid a hand on me but has verbally threatened to smack the shit out of me numerous times.

All my coworkers and friends and family know all about the real him and they just want me to get rid of his ass and find someone that respects me and deserves me. He is not mentally loyal to me that’s for sure. Idk if he’s ever physically cheated on me but knowing he has mentally makes me think I’m not worth it

When I read that I have to ask.

It doesn’t matter what he is, why are you with a man who makes you feel this way? What are you getting out of it? Why do you have to prove he is the asshole he is? You are unhappy, you are suspicious and he treats you with disrespect and none of your friends like him. How much more do you need? You do not need proof in order to leave me; you do not have to justify kicking his ass to the curb. YOU control your life, it is not working, he needs to get out; you don’t have to prove anything. Even if he was a sweetheart, it is your life and if you are not happy that is all the reason you need to end the relationship. Why do you have to have proof he cheated?

You want to prove you are right. But who are you proving it to? your friends already think you are short changing yourself, he will never admit to anything and will cry real tears if you do dump him and be so sorry and beg for another chance and you will give it to him from the sounds of it (just like I did, until I had heard the same line 3 times). Do you know what will happen if you do prove he is cheating? You will wonder what’s wrong with you, he will tell you that he wouldn’t have to cheat if you did this or that….you will doubt yourself, he will beg for another chance, if you would just meet him 1/2 way, give him  chance, be more like the woman he wants (which changes daily) so you will try harder to be the woman he says he wants and you will lay down some rules of your own and for a while it will be like it used to be in the beginning, until he has you firmly hooked again and then you will discover he has just gotten better at hiding his activities and he will get more cocky and indignant. Now it will be, “Why do you have to keep bring up the past? why do you always cause conflict? Why are you trying to change him?”

And down down down the rabbit hole you go and he starts throwing dirt on top of you.

Please read up on narcissists, there are many good posts here or you can try Sam Vaknin on Youtube, Kim Saeed at Let me Reach, or many other sites and they will all tell you that the narcissist never changes and you never win when you play Clue with a narcissist.

You are risking everything; EVERYTHING! for a man who does not love or respect you and he most certainly is not going to appreciate your loyalty, in fact he is exploiting it. Take it from someone who has done 10 years or any of the other women here who have been where you are and wished they would have followed their gut that was screaming at them to run long before they did.

I won’t lie, it is painful, it is not easy to leave a narcissist but it is possible and the sooner the better.

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11 thoughts on “I Think I Am Almost Ready To Leave Him

  1. Alice

    I agree 100% with what Carrie said – getting proof is not helpful; I did the phone snooping thing and found what I expected… this – and I mean the fact THAT I DID THIS (the snooping) – hurt ME so much, it was worse than discovering bits of the truth (and yes, he had all those messages from the other woman in his phone).

    If you have doubts whether to leave him or not, read this post here:

    https://narcsite.wordpress.com/2015/10/22/try-walking-in-my-shoes/

    [written from the perspective of someone who claims to be a narc, so ‘Trigger-warning’!]

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  2. Wiser Now

    Hi,
    He wont improve and if he’s as good as you can do, then keep him and settle in for an unhappy life. So what is he’s shady and weird about sex and emotionally unavailable?
    If you and I were in the movie, “Moonstruck,” about now I’d smack your face and say, “Snap out of it!”

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  3. Only Me

    “You own your home? give him enough time and he will make sure you lose it too OR you will have been with him long enough he will have legal rights to your home (if it isn’t too late already)”

    Good point, and great post Carrie. No, I never lost my home or property to Psycho Boy, but his OW did! I knew all along that was what he was sniffing after her for. While a part of me was hurt, another part of me was smugly smiling because I knew he was out to use and abuse her.

    Today, he’s trustee and co-owner of her luxury home, expensive property (worth when they met about half a million dollars), lucrative business, and probably all her financial assets! When I found out, I was shaking my head saying “Fool!, Fool!, Fool!” under my breath! Okay, so be it.

    My current thinking is the reason a lot of us stay too long is that we’re suffering from low level depression of feeling unlovable and unacceptable. Very often, I think resulting from an unhappy childhood, and being devalued most of our lives. Not feeling loved enough or wanted! Comes along our own personal Psycho Person promising everything we always wanted, and we’ll do most anything to try to hang onto them even at our own peril, and possibly our families!

    Now me? I probably was slower catching on than most of you as to my psycho boy’s real nature. Sure, I saw the red flags, and heard stuff that often left me scratching my head saying “Huh?”… I never suspected him of cheating until after the D&D, when it was suggested to me that’s probably what he was doing all along! I never knew about narcissism until much later.

    So, I got to nosing around on Match.com and to my amazement, there was his profile, and her’s too! Who knew? Not me! Boy did I get played royally! Thankfully, I never lost anything really significant other than a wounded ego! LOL.

    I’d like to think that had I moved in as he wanted, sooner or later, I would have fled the coop! You can only take so much, then you’ve got act, or lose yourself. I nearly did! Thankfully, OW came along with her luxurious lifestyle and “stole” him from me! Thank you Girl! You saved me!” With loving gratitude!

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  4. Iwishidknown

    I’ve been with my narcissist off and on for 20 years. Yes, I said off and on. It has taken me that long. It actually took me “spying” on him to put a name to it. His last OW called him that when he was trying to reconnect with her while he was staying with me this last time.
    Now he has depleted all of my resources again, stuck me in a contract for his phone bill and moved on to hook up with his high school sweetheart. He has finally found “a woman he likes”.
    In the meantime, for the third time in our relationship, I am finally over the urge to step in front of a bus. I wake up every morning thinking that today is the day I’m going to get up and everything is going to be normal. I walk the dog, stop for my coffee, come home, look at the chores for the day and curl up to do nothing. It’s still better than where I was 3 months ago.
    I have struggled with Bipolar Disorder all my life. If anything can aggravate that condition, it would be trying to live with a Narcissist.
    I may not be one to give advice, but perhaps sharing my story will make you realize that everybody has one. I’ve got 20 years of kicking myself in the ass for being stupid and have read other people’s accounts of how things have gone for them and have learned that I’m not really alone. Wiser people than I have fallen prey to these foul types and it doesn’t matter what type of mental illness I suffer from, I did not deserve to suffer for his form of mental illness.
    Best wishes to all. May your story be shorter and end well.

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Iwishidnown, thank you for sharing, hopefully it will make some one leave sooner than later. As you know, the years slip by before you realize it, 10 years turns into 20 and 1/2 your lifetime. I never get it right, but there is a quote about the definition of insanity. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Same thing, the victim keeps thinking things will change but they never do, only to get worse.

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  5. Yvonne

    He can’t take this house from me cuz im still legally married to my ex. We have been separated since 9/2012. I met my N in April 2013. He moved in after taking me to Niagara Falls for my day weekend getaway in August of 2013. He tells me all the time ” you need to get divorced”. He pretty much took over my house. Started packing my driveway with all his vehicles snd trailers and etc. he makes my cats stay out side cuz he’s allergic to cats. I had a friend of mine that’s in realestate stop over to give my advice on my house and my N called while he was in driveway so I didn’t lie to him (would’ve been safer if I did) told him I was talking to John the realestate agent and I’d call him back. Well he called me names, accused me of sleeping with him and then threatens to go sleep with someone, says he’s done with me and done with this relationship. When he came home to pack a bag I didn’t cry this time I didn’t give in. We talked and he apologized that’s when I realized that he’s not going nowhere. He talks shit and it scares me and that’s why I stay. But I’m getting stronger. I’m starting to not care so much of what he thinks. I’m scared to be alone I think. But I think I will be ok. I have friends who are waiting patiently for me to kick him out. Oh boy where wil he go?! Go back to mommy’s I guess cuz i seem to be more like his mother than his girlfriend. A lot of people say I am a good woman and wasting it all on a no good fat piece of shit that doesn’t deserve me. The pieces are slowly coming together.

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  6. Leea

    When I was growing up my father use to tell me that no man would ever have me if I did not succumb to what they aspired of me. I remember saying I do not care. I would rather be single then to be treated poorly like my mother.

    I did not entwine my life so tightly with my ex even though we were together a lot of years, 20 to be exact, He too like stripper girls, gambling money he did not have, and making me crazy. Somehow, I never thought to run him down to accumulate proof of his loyalty because as our relationship progressed it was evident. I remember him coming home after leaving me and squandering money set aside to pay bills with and naturally expected to come home to a normal house and open arms. [he left for an entire month]. I remember buying for his birthday only to witness him spending his birthday night on the internet wrap up in porn, chat rooms, and connecting with other women. Twice I received telephone calls from women who thought I was his personal maid and kept his house while he was away working. He would tell them not to call until he got back into town but they were so much in love with this incredible guy they felt compelled to search him out. Guess what? The way he had made me feel in the beginning is the way he was making them feel. When I revealed that I was the woman in his life they were shocked. One of the women said her girlfriend told her he was too good to be true. She seemed to be a very nice woman and to my surprise she thought the same of me. She did not bare the brunt of the blame from me, he did. After dealing with these incidences and many more, I told him I was leaving then I cried and was in despair for many months. ok, ok. more then a year or two or three. Anyway we have been apart for 8 years now and I am healing. I cannot find it in my heart to want to stay with someone that cannot care and love me as much as I love. I am a firm believer in show me you love me not tell me. If he is not able to surround you with his love and make you feel at ease and maintain your self respect what do you really need him for. Moving on is not easy but is staying worth it when you are looking to others for answers.

    I know it will take a lot longer then 8 years to heal but I am willing to walk the line.

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