The “Connection” That Keeps The Victim Hooked

I was reading comments on the Support Forum and several of the “victims” were discussing the telepathic connection they have with the narcissist, how they could “will” him to call, or how uncanny it was that he would call right as they were thinking about him. How they could feel him thinking about them and the pull of the connection they have with the narcissist.

I can relate to the feeling. I remember early in the relationship James telling me that he never got a chance to do anything wrong because I was so in tune with him I could read his mind and know before he ever did anything, all he had to do was think about doing something and I would know. I would “know” when he was screwing around and I was sure he would never be able to fool me, I would just know if he was with another woman. I was also positive he could never say I love you to me and any other woman at the same time. He seemed unable to lie to me, he knew I would know and would tell me the truth.

I actually believed God created situations where we would end up needing each other each time we broke up. My truck would break down or James would be injured somehow and I would have to care for him. (all orchestrated by him) No matter how bad the fight was he would show up where I was and swear he was not following me, it was just fate. When we saw each other he was so good at putting on this little boy look and acting like it was beyond his control, he loved me too much to stay away. and of course I would melt, or if I did try to be strong he would act like nothing had changed and we had never broken up. He would rip me to shreds, spew venom all over me and storm out the door. I would be devastated all day and then he would show up like nothing ever happened. If I said anything about the fight he would pull me close and tell me how he couldn’t stand to see me upset, didn’t I know how much he loved me? It got so that even though I was upset we had fought and I would be devastated, I didn’t really believe we would ever end. I didn’t know how we were going to make it work but I knew we would be in each other’s lives forever. A love like ours could not be denied, we were connected by a force stronger than either of us.

I won’t go into all the events James orchestrated to make me think we had this almost magical connection. suffice to say they are experts and they have studied you so intently, they do practically know your next move, how you are going to react. They have you so hooked that of course you are thinking about them, 24/7, it is no surprise that they call when you are thinking about them, they have trained you to think about them. They “let it slip” that they “just had a feeling” and had to call. They set you up to believe you have a connection like normal people never experience, your love is so strong you are telepathic.

Read up on brain washing, power of suggestion, and how when a person is at heightened emotions and lacking sleep (because we can’t sleep when he is angry with us or he purposely keeps the victim awake) the power of suggestion is so much stronger. Add to that the fact that we WANT to believe so badly and we fall so easily really. There never was a super nature connection, not for him; yes he was tuned into us in order to manipulate us but the “connection ” was another fabrication of his. That is why he can walk away so easily. Oh he will tell you that he still feels you and that he can’t break the connection he has with you even though he is with another woman. He will tell you that he has told the new woman that you and he have this telepathic thing going because that will make her work harder to please him and to read his thoughts so she and he can have the same kind of connection. He likes to instill self doubt and if he tells you that he has tried but can not break the connection and power you have over him he keeps you hooked and thinking you are special. It keeps you thinking about him, keeps you from moving on, keeps you on tender hooks just in case the new relationship falls apart.

He loves triangulation too, pitting two women against each other, making each feel they are in competition for his love, it is proof of his power; to have two or more women thinking they are “the one” and he sits back and watches the show laughing to himself.

And don’t think that he isn’t laughing. James ex called me 6 years after we first got together to fill me in. He had called her from my house number, there was no need, he had a cell phone. He complained bitterly that she wanted to destroy his life and any hope of ever finding love, so why call her? especially from MY phone. The whole time she had me on the phone she kept saying “He thinks I am stupid, but I know, I always know what he is up to”. She WAS stupid, because she didn’t realize he was setting her up the whole time, playing her like a fiddle. When she died a sad lonely drunk, he laughed because she had hated me so much, because he and I had been so happy together. You could have fooled me that we were happy, but that is what he told her because it drove her crazy. As soon as he said that I knew anything he told me about his new relationship would be a lie.

When I called him to tell him she had called and how venomous she was he challenged me, “Are you going to be like all the rest and leave him or stick by him?” Of course I didn’t want to be “like all the rest”.

Months after we had split I was asking him if he was dating and he said, “I don’t know why you still get so upset, you know us; we always end up back together. I always come back to you.” I knew that, I knew he and I had a special connection that pulled us back together whether we liked it or not. It was a love beyond our control, a connection that couldn’t be denied. It was only a few weeks later that he moved in with his new woman.

Think you have this special telepathic connection is what keeps you hooked to him, no matter how hard you try to break the ties, stay no contact; the minute he finds a way to get to you he will use it to reel you back in under his control. You must remember he is a pathological liar and when he tells you that things aren’t working with the new woman, that she is jealous of the connection you two have. If that is the case, if there is this great and all powerful connection between you two then why is he with her and not you?

James used to say he didn’t why a love as strong as ours, why even though we had this connection we just couldn’t make it work no matter how hard we tried.

The narcissist quite often has the “one that got away” even though they all hurt him and were bitches, he will reminisce about the connection he had with this one or that one; just to keep the new woman on her toes. You can bet he is telling his ex’s a different story than what he is telling the new woman.

14 thoughts on “The “Connection” That Keeps The Victim Hooked

  1. Paula

    The connection is real because they are emotional vampires sucking on our life force and keeping Us distracted from moving beyond them. If we think about them, it means they are feeding off of us. We’re all energy. And those with little of their own (narcissists and sociopaths and any manipulator) will plug into our to energize themselves. The more people they are plugged into, the more energy and power they have. Look at Bill Cosby. Think of the 100s of women he tapped into and kept that energy pumping through him….the fear energy. And now look at him. The women are no longer afraid and no longer believe the lies he told them about themselves. We have to have the desire to cut the cord and break the connection or these fools WILL keep coming back because we’ve subconsciously invited then back. Vampires never cross the threshold of another unless invited. Remember?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Paula I think you are right, they are energy vampires, they feed off of our energy for sure, it is like when you are with some people who seem to drain you of your energy every time you are with them, they may not be narcissists but they just seem to take your energy but never give anything back. Empathetic people are givers of energy, themselves, to anyone who needs it. I have always found I give until I am exhausted and then will get sick or something and be forced to recuperate and replenish my supply. That was with every thing in my life not just with James. I think empaths tend to be intuitive and that is draining in itself, I have always been able to pick up vibes from the people closest to me. I always seem to know when my son is having a bad time or up to something I may not approve of, even from a great distance and it will drive me crazy until I figure out what is going on. He is always honest with me eventually, he doesn’t want to worry me so will tell me after the fact. I tell him I wish he would tell me right away because it drives me crazy.
      In my case with James, I don’t know that he intentionally “stole” my energy, he craved attention and control, yes; energy? I think that is a byproduct of manipulating a person in order to control them. For most of our relationship I thought James and I had this powerful connection but in actual fact I found out later he was orchestrating events to gain my sympathy or make me think there was a great power at work. I think he was smart enough to figure out that I was “on to him” so he would throw out “Clues” to throw me off the scent and confuse me. He was always reading Psychology Today Mag, anything to do with how a person’s brain functions, etc

      Empaths tend to not believe their guts, they know something is going on behind the scenes and will get obsessed about it until they find out what it is, they need to prove they are right because they don’t trust their gut instincts. When they deal with normal people it is pretty easy to prove their gut was right but with a narcissist, nothing is what it seems so they get sucked into this perpetual game of clue, they sense things are not as they seem and they try to figure it out but they don’t know it is the person who is not right, there is nothing to solve because the problem is the whole person. The empath thinks there is this powerful connection between them and the narc and there is but it is one sided, the narc is not connected to them; he doesn’t give a shit about them, he gets off on the attention he is getting and he laughs at how easily he can manipulate the em-path. James used to say, you would feel really stupid if you knew the truth and when I did find out the truth it was always way worse than anything I could have imagined.

      The N makes you think they can’t stay away, there is some force stronger than either of you pulling you together but the connection is only real for the empath not the narcissist. The narcissist can walk away from the empath for a new victim any day and any “connection” they had is forgotten. I thought James knew me better than anyone had ever known me and when we were together he did, he knew exactly how I would react or feel, he could build me up in a few words to tear me to shreds, he knew exactly how to touch my mind. After he got with Marisa he and I were talking and I was amazed at how out of touch with me he was. How could he forget in a few short months 10 years together, how could someone who I had such a connection be so totally oblivious to what I was feeling? He had switched victims and now was focused on Marisa and what was important to her, I am sure he has my info on file somewhere in his brain but I am also sure that after many years and different victims the narc gets confused and will access the wrong files once in a while.

      I think the victims continue to think there is this connection long after the narc has moved on, he will play with her if he has time on his hands and likes to keep the victim in the wings but it is more a happen stance thing than a connection on the narcs part and the victim is so hungry for any sign the narc still cares they grasp at any sign there is this connection still there.


      1. Wiser Now

        At the end of my relationship with my narcissist I told her, “If you spent half the time just being human and sincere as you do with all the lies, schemes, gas-lighting and games, I would have loved you and been with you forever. But you’re a box of emptiness, wrapped in beautiful gift wrap and silky ribbons.
        I used to wish I could keep the pretty package but install a new personality with normal values and sane boundaries. As she ages and her looks start to fade, good luck to anyone who gets caught in her web.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Wiser Now

    Oh gosh, that telepathic connection thing…my narc knew I was life-long practicing metaphysician, gem stone healer, REIKI practitioner, astrology buff, who did meditation and practiced several eastern disciplines like Kundalini and purposeful breathing, and sometimes I was even a psychic channel. I consider myself a highly spiritual conduit, with a God who guides me on a daily basis. Back then I also attended 5 or 6 al alon meetings per week, for four consecutive years.
    Even with all that real world practice and experience, she acted as if the 10 years we spent out of contact also exposed her to similar disciplines, which I found out soon enough was horseshit.

    She was very competitive, so because I’d been a professional journalist in my second career, and an illustrator, art director and creative director at various ad agencies before that, she projected the same work history, with presumably the same level of proficiency.
    She never once asked me if I had a college degree or degrees, or even what colleges I’d attended, and I never mentioned it or asked about her educational background because I knew she didn’t attend college and I didn’t want to embarrass her.
    Unless it was to find my weak spots, she never asked me basic questions like my favorite color, food or style of music. But I knew her top 10 favorite colors, all of her favorite foods and even who she had seen in concert over the last 10 years.
    She used to ask me what she called “deal beaker questions,” like do I install the toilet paper roll over or under, or do I ever order pizza with pineapple. Trivial crap that was a major deal to her.

    She was clever to key into the telepathy thing because she knew that gift was dearest to my heart and soul. She would throw all sorts of crumbs about dreams she’d had where we had made love on a beautiful beach or otherwise gotten along wonderfully, and asked if I felt the same impact the night before. It was easy to say yes because by then she was all I ever thought about.
    In AA and other 12 step groups, there’s a slogan, “Spot it, you got it,.” which means if you are annoyed with someone else’s lies, belligerence or other negative behavior, chances are you are guilty of the same behavior or you wouldn’t notice it.
    Narcs count on codependents and people pleasers who ignore their horrid habits for so long because, “we didn’t spot it, because we don’t got it.”
    I believed that this wonderful, sensitive, creative woman was telepathic because God had given me the perfect mate, so with telepathy it was only natural to be part of her allure.
    By the end when I knew she was insane, her NPD was flagrant, and she was a pathological liar and cheater–I took an objective look at her words and art and realized she had no emotional depth so there was never a love letter or poem unless someone else wrote it. Her art that claimed was on a par with mine consisted of a few 6×6 inch mosaic trivets, like kids make in summer camp, a pair of cheap white tennis shoes she colored in with paint pens, and her pride and joy: photography, which showed promise but lacked any type of formal training. Everything was centered and in focus, but it was predictable because it was so cliche, with sunset sea scapes, seagulls in flight and flowers.
    Finally, I questioned her about the telepathic vision she claimed she had the night before. I wanted specific details, because I doubted that connection was legitimate, either. She hemmed and hawed and came up with, “Well, it’s hard to articulate such an intense dream, but it was a feeling like something spiritual going in, and out, and in and out.”
    I didn’t burst out laughing, but it was obvious her telepathic talent matched her art and words.
    One day I got fed up and started telling her what a phony she was,and how she likened her childish crafts and freshman writing hobby to my gallery art and award winning ad designs, and published articles, from which I made a good living for 30 years.
    She dropped her passive aggressive facade (for once) and blasted me with a letter that said I was conceited asshole, a braggart and a show-off, and for what reasons she could not discern.
    It made me feel weird to brag on myself, but I needed to set her straight on her fantasies verses my actual body of work. She never asked to see or read any of it.
    Here’s an example of how she was.
    She lives in Montreal, and one December morning around Chanukah (she was Jewish) she called from work to complain because the office furnace was going bad and her hands were too cold to type on her PC keyboard.
    I quickly illustrated her two hands wearing little knitted fingerless gloves in traditional Chanukah blue and white, one with a menorah and one with the star of David ”embroidered” on the back of each glove. They were so cute I couldn’t wait to send the artwork to her. She chuckled and said they were cute, but changed the subject immediately.
    After lunch that same day she bitched at me because I had failed to ask if her hands were still cold.
    She was a convincing victim with the typical childhood sex abuse stories, a million sicknesses and ailments, and she was estranged from her siblings and mother. Her degenerate gambler and pedophile father had blown his brains out back in 2003.
    I never told her of my similar stories because I stopped bothering to try to top her tales of woe.
    I had developed endometrial cancer in 2001 and needed an immediate hysterectomy scheduled for 6 am on a Monday morning. I needed her all that weekend but she had disappeared from Thursday night past the time I left for the hospital. I was more worried if she was okay than my own stage of cancer. Once i was out of surgery, some flowers came and then she called, I asked immediately where she was all that weekend. She said, “Oh ma cherie, you are on heavy pain medication and we can discuss this when you get home. I have to go, my boss is staring at me.”
    We I got home I called and asked where she’d been all weekend,
    She said, “Oh, please, do we have to go over this again? I told you when I called after your surgery.” Finally I dug the truth out of her. She was shacked up with her ex all weekend, who supposedly had an insane temper and had battered her and pushed her around for years.

    She may have caught me at first by love bombing me and iced the cake with telepathy, but I dumped her then and stayed away for 10 years.


  3. Itsamiracle

    This post is reassuring. I think that Carrie is spot on that part of what we think of as a psychic connection is simply because they know is so well. I know that mine studied me and since I am so predictable that I was easy to figure out. One time I asked if he was psychic because he always had me pegged so easily and he said no, just really observant and you are easy to figure out. Probably one of the only honest things he ever said to me. I do know that he is very smart and so sneaky that he was always ten steps ahead of me. When I went through my own period of playing clue I got to the point of feeling like he was omnipotent. He always knew somehow how I would react and the ways I would desperately try to catch him in his lies. However, I do believe in a psychic connection with people. Not just narcs. It’s what I relied on when raising my children. Sometimes you just know things. Just like my gut knew things weren’t right even though on the surface everything was rainbows in the relationship. So if they use a keen sense of observation to betray us, why not use energy as well? Any tool they can use to get to us they will. Even if it’s something that’s all in my head it doesn’t matter. It’s like a placebo. If you think it’s real than it is is. I prefer to think it isn’t a real connection like this post says but can’t help but think if I feel safer from him with my little rituals and whatnot, what’s the harm? It’s all in my head anyway. Even the missing him is all in my head. Whatever it takes to move past this I say.


  4. Narcbuster

    Sadly I also bought into the connection b.s.. Narcs are so sick and evil and have tapped into our psyche that we believe anything they tell us. It breaks my heart to know that there are monsters out there using our love and compassion against us. Sadly I’ve been involved with more than one before I found this sad truth. I’d like to say lost everything I had of value but I gave it away really… and now…. broken….struggling …floundering I’m trying to put my life back together. I couldn’t have known because their ways of treating and using people is so alien to me I thought people like that only existed as fictional characters or in movies. Now I understand they are out there…..I see them functioning daily amongst us…in work…on the school run…in bars…. on social media…and don’t even get me started on dating websites….sheesh….all I can do is share this with my kids so that they don’t fall foul of these creatures.
    Thanks Carrie for keeping this site alive…Sadly right now I can’t afford to join the paying forum…as am sure many others can relate in the aftermath of being duped by a narc. This blog and Sam Vaknins book helped to drag me out of despair and I’ve checked in daily for the past year as I’ve slowly learned non of this was my fault…..that connection I thought I had was just a sick trick…one of many in the arsenal of weapons narcs use to keep us hooked…anyone thinking that they have a special spiritual connection with a narcissist…think again….you are being played …it’s tough to hear….heartbreaking to realise you’ve been sucked in by a con man….it’s even frightening to be honest when you consider the evil you let into your home…be around your children….family …friends etc and to discover how vulnerable you were.
    My advice to someone new in this position… read read…talk….. post ….you are not crazy….you will survive and come out stronger ….although you will never be the same again….but then also know you are amazing….that’s why they target you…they hate you for being you…and want to destroy you because you are everything they could only ever pretend to be…but don’t expect them to ever admit it…half the time they don’t consciously do it as they are plain and simply sick f###ers and its in their nature ……good luck everyone on this journey….get out…be safe…learn to value and love yourself….this isn’t your fault xxx much love


  5. Only Me

    I think my psycho boy was more fixed on creating a “connection” than I was. More than once he had me befuddled with that kind of talk, especially when we barely knew each other. We hadn’t even dated, and already he was going on about his symptoms of being “in love”. Uh huh.

    At first, he seemed to take things much more seriously than I did. Turns out these people have an agenda to create the illusion of a close, intense relationship, faster than would normally develop in such a such short time.

    Funny thing, the more time that went, my health began to slide rapidly downhill to the point of being diagnosed with cancer. Even after the cancer was gone, the more tired I got, the more radiant, glowing with good health he got!

    Fast forward to the D&D, I’m exhausted all the time despite hours and hours of rest. Hard as I tried, I just could not escape the feeling of still being connected to the dude! Why? It didn’t make any sense! Then I came across a blog about psychic cord cutting!

    These narcissistic people seem to have the ability to tap into our energy fields surrounding our bodies. You could call them our life force if you will. They can sap us of our vitality I learned.

    Following the procedures outlined, I began to make mental pictures of taking a giant pair of psychic scissors, and cutting those psychic energy cords he had attached to me! I grant that this all sounds strange to those not familiar with this kind of thing, but I found it to be true.

    The more I cut those cords, the stronger, and more vibrant I began to feel! These days, I’m feeling great, and no longer feel those cords sapping my energy. I don’t think psycho boy is feeling so good however. He seems to be moving a lot slower and weaker.

    Cutting those cords is very freeing, especially if you’re feeling unable to move on and still obsessing over them. It’s your choice. You decide!


  6. Leea

    My ex psychopath narc use to say that he liked to torture his victims but I did not have the slightest clue what he meant because of his gentle demeanor, and his high IQ he could have developed into a very prominent person. However his drive to excel was very limited in scope and I could not figure out why. In the family I grew up in the scope was limited, as well, and I was told by my own mother I was going to die early or going to hell when I died and my misery only made her happy even when she knew my soul was tortured, she did not care. It took me many years to figure out her debilitating tactics was geared towards breaking my spirit continually. I went on to meet my husband who joined forces with my mother to subdue anything I might have aspired too in this life. After a lot of years I left the man that I married in the likeness of my mother. In engaging in a new relationship I met a psychopath who showed me how to grow and get to know myself but in the process began to destroy me. He even spoke of taking me to a mountain and pushing me off, he sold all the furniture I bought for our place of residence for money to go out with and to hang out with other women, and stole from employers he was employed by. At this point, I was well past my teenage years and did not have a clue these types of people existed. When I started to develop depression, chronic nose bleeds, and police showing up at my door I took notice. I dealt with two covert narcs, and one psychopath. However, I was able in time to get away from all three and connect the dots that let me know that I was attracting these people that sucked my spirit dry. It is them that want people running towards them and I was running away. These people want to keep you even though you don’t want to stay. I am much wiser now and can identify these people that enter my life with dire consequences. It most hurts to know the one person put here to love, nurture and protect was the very person that kicked everything off and she will even to this day laugh at my hardships and bare no blame. I was raised under a dominate mother that only had power over her children and made us supply her with what she needed. In my defense, I can only say I survived these obstacles and have moved on with caution. All three of these people are still somewhere in my life but I fold out my protective shield when they are in close proximity and keep them out.


  7. New Beginning

    He quite literally knocked me off my feet. I met him while on a hike with a group of hikers. He zoned in on me immediately and never left my side. I felt an immediate connection, which made me feel dizzy. He was so different from other guys I met: manly, no nonsense, direct. I felt feminine. I played helpless, so he would help me up hills. I thought it was sweet. He went on and on about all his accomplishments (travel, skydiving, possessions), but was startled by my high education level, as he was blue color. However, he said “he made more money than most white color folks ever do”. That was the first red flag I should have noticed… him making himself feel better by putting down those who have more.

    He started calling me his girlfriend on the second date. Which surprised me, but I figured it was part of the culture he is from. He also talked about his “hot headed” father, and physical abuse. Which were other red flags, but only tapped into my empathy.

    He stepped up his game by discussing books he knew I’d be interested in, reading my writing (but pointing out typos heroically), basically building himself up in my eyes as a self taught genius. While at the same time constantly questioning why I’m interested in a guy with low education level. That, of course, turned up my empathy, and I’d say,”but it’s about the person not a degree”, etc. Starting on the path of playing dumb, and hiding my true self. That’s when he knew he had me.

    He stopped love bombing me and started slowly grooming me to be his servant. Insults, being extremely possessive, trying to instill into me that education, art and other such things are useless and stupid. Hard work is what’s needed. Maked up and high heels are worthless. He made me start questioning my convictions and my confidence plummeted.

    I did leave a few times, but he reeled me back in. I would block his number, only to ublock it due to intense pain in my chest and being flooded with thought of, or from him. This all happened in a span of a few months.

    Last time I saw him was when he was working in another state for a month. He said that he missed me and asked me to visit him. He bought me a ticket and gave me daily cash, which was odd, but I thought it was his way of apologizing. Bad mistake. He was not apologetic, but treated me like a concubine. He paid and I should make him happy! When I stood up to him for an insult, all hell broke loose. I lost my “privileges” and had to get my own ticket home. He said that I “was being a bitch to him and didn’t appreciate anything he had done for me”.

    This was two months ago. I still feel his intensity. Also intense feelings of intimacy. I believe they are his projections, as I basically loath him.

    It doesn’t help that I’m a mental health counselor. It makes it worse, because I thought I could handle it.

    Narcissism is a personality disorder, which is untreatable… inless they decide to change. But, as he told me once when I asked him for an apology “don’t hold your breath”.

    I do believe in an energetic connetion. I’m a Reiki master also and being extra attuned into others is not helping.


  8. Pingback: Narcissists and the Unbreakable Connection - Esteemology

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