I just woke up from a restless night of dreaming about James. Where the hell did that come from? I left him almost a whole 5 years ago and have had no contact for at least 4 years, so how the hell did he slip into my dreams and transport me back in time?
Why? I wasn’t talking about him yesterday, I haven’t been missing him, he is a non-factor in my life, I don’t even blame him for my situation in life right now.
I even woke up at 4 am and shook myself out of the dream only to fall back to sleep and pick up the dream where I had left off. I woke up at 6:30 a.m. close to tears and with the old familiar feeling of frustration and sadness I remember all too well.
I don’t want to scare you into thinking your ex narc will haunt your dreams 5 years from now, it is not the way it was in the beginning when I would wake up from a dream with tears streaming down my cheeks and sob for an hour. I just have this feeling of sadness mixed with a bit of hopelessness.
I think I know what brought it on, but first I will share my dream. James and I are living together again and we are supposed to be going away camping for a week, and my mother is joining us. (That in itself makes it a dream because my mother would never in a million years go camping. Her idea of roughing it is staying in a 3 star hotel instead of 5 star accommodation.)
In the beginning of the dream James and I are like we were any time we got back together, he is loving, committed, and totally into me. I am hesitant but beginning to relax and believe maybe he has changed. I want nothing more than to make love to him and I am looking forward to him coming home, and the next day we are leaving on our trip.
This is where the dream gets a little fuzzy, I come home and he has a woman there, they are acting like there is something going on between them but he is denying it adamantly. He leaves with her saying he will be right back and of course he isn’t. I go looking, I don’t find him for what seems like hours of my dream and then finally I find him, alone but different. Now he doesn’t want to come on the trip. I am disappointed but willing to compromise; I just want him to come home and make love with me. But he refuses, I reach for him, he pulls away, it is obvious to me something has changed but he is denying it and saying I am being paranoid and driving him away. In my dream I am asking myself why I am so upset, this is nothing new, he always found a way of screwing up anything we had planned. Finally, I struggle awake.
I get a drink of water, go to the bathroom and go back to bed and snuggle my puppies. Kiya behind me against my back and Stella pressed against me stomach, and fall back to sleep. Right back into the dream, feeling those feelings I haven’t felt in almost 5 years. Finally at 6:15 I wake up and by 6:30 I was outside with the dogs letting them go pee and having a smoke. (I am down to 3 smokes a day)
Why would James haunt me now? My theory this:
I am feeling helpless and I hate to even say it out loud, but hopeless, trapped, and unable to do anything about it short of being homeless.
I think that because James was the person who introduced me to those feelings, he is th person I associate them with and why I would dream about him now. Feelings of hopelessness and helplessness were totally foreign to me prior to meeting James, if I had a difficult situation on my hands I fixed it, I needed more money I got a paper route on top of having a full-time job, put Kris is his little red wagon with some snacks and delivered papers twice a week until I was caught up on my bills. I would clean houses, do landscaping. When I had my truck I could work 7 days a week and always make at least $50 but usually a couple hundred.
Even since meeting James, I struggled but could always come up with some way of getting by, it is just since my 2nd heart attack that things really fell apart and I just can’t seem to do anything more than barely survive and even then it is because of the charity of others, not because I have found a solution.
I love Clearwater, mind you; I can make any place home, but the people are friendly, the country is beautiful, and I see possibilities here to make money in the future.
But no matter what anyone says you need money to make money and when you are flat broke many options are eliminated. I don’t even know this Tina who works for welfare but I have developed a healthy hatred for her. She hides behind the other workers, I talk to them and they talk to her and bring me her answer and in her ultimate wisdom and arrogance she has declared I must go 6 weeks with no income and I swear I have not been this close to suicide since I made the attempt shortly after leaving James. It is not that I don’t know my worth, or that I don’t feel I deserve good things in my life; I am feeling totally beaten down, not by James this time but by “Tina” and all the other people in the position to help me get back on my feet and have either dropped the ball, passed the buck or just plain don’t give a shit. I am hoping our new government is going to straighten things out but it won’t be in time to help me.
My phone synced with my Facebook or something, I don’t know exactly what happened but I am not impressed because now my phone has all my photos from the beginning of time downloaded on it and I can’t seem to transfer them to my laptop. Anyway, in the process of trying to transfer and delete I was forced to relive my life since 2008 to today. There are the picture of my double wide at Christmas, I had left James and started over with nothing, I moved into the trailer in July and by December it was a beautifully decorated home. I had kinda forgotten how nice it was, the nice things I was able to acquire for cheap or free. Then my trailer was sold and I went back to James, there are no pictures of that time and the next pics are of the run down dump of a trailer I moved into when I left him 5 years ago. It shows the before pics and the pics after many many hours of hard work. Once again I acquired things, refinished some things I got off Craigslist free. The blackberry infested back yard I transformed into a beautiful garden space with lawn furniture I refinished, plants I bought on sale or got for free, pictures of it decorated for Christmas. That was where I had my first heart attack and after spending a year in that hell hole of a travel out in the middle of no where I moved to Hatzic and into my dream cabin. Once again, I moved in with nothing and turned it into a home. The overgrown yard was transformed into a tiny oasis, I once again acquired things and refinished them. Then I had my second heart attack and it’s been a steady downward spiral ever since.
I no longer have a truck to pick up furniture or antiques I can refinish, so starting over with nothing means I either need money or do without.
Things here have fallen apart in a big way and I feel stuck in the middle with no way out. I don’t know if I had the whole story from the beginning but things have done a drastic 180, and nose dived into a life of me spending all my time in a basement bedroom without a window.
The other woman here is Kim, I like Kim, we get along well, we have different idea’s on how to run a house, I tend to put things away and out of sight, she likes things out on the counters and she has a lot of stuff, she had a restaurant, she did catering, she has a lot of stuff and her bedroom was full of boxes and she had been told she could have the family room off the kitchen as her “private space”. Granted she had told me I could use “her room” but I didn’t really feel welcome and it was full of unpacked boxes also, as was the garage.
Last week I drove back to the valley and picked up another carload of my stuff, mostly Christmas decorations and some books and kitchen stuff. The day after I got back Kim left for 5 days away and I was expected to care for Nova the 2-year-old. I love Nova but she is not my grandchild and I am long past any desire to care for little ones. I raised my son, 4 step children, and ran a daycare; that I closed because I burned out. I have no desire or intention of caring for Nova or being any part of the daycare Kim was going to open. But I agreed to care for Nova because the guys had to go to work. It ended up that they worked all weekend also so I cared for Nova 5 straight days and didn’t have the weekend off. The guys were home in the evening but Nova is allowed to stay up as late as them so there is no quiet time for me. I went down to my basement room. My son came gave me $20 and said he it was all he had at the moment because he had to spend so much money for the dog damage deposit and my rent and the job isn’t paying what he had been getting in Whistler. I was not upset that he only gave me $20 but that he made it sound like I was a charity case. I tried to explain all the stuff I had done to earn my keep and we ended up having an argument. I washed all the kitchen cupboards with Murphy’s Wood Oil Soap, fixed the built-in vacuum and vacuumed the whole house plus washed all the floors, done a bunch of yard work, made a big pot of homemade chicken noodle soup and peanut butter chocolate chip cookies and cared for Nova in the 5 days I have been back, I thought I earned my keep. The last thing I want to do is start arguing with my son or be a burden to him, it is not his job to put a roof over my head.
I moved things around a bit in the kitchen to make room for my stuff, it is a huge kitchen with plenty of room for my and Kim’s stuff but she was not happy that she couldn’t find anything when she got back. She didn’t say anything to me and has always been pleasant but I heard it from her son. I asked what was expected of me. I really didn’t know where I was supposed to be or do. I can make money painting, I thought I would have a place I could blog and work on monetizing my new blog but unless I spend the time doing it in a room without a window I have nowhere to do my things. It is terribly depressing to sit in a room and never see the outside world and they are concrete walls, even a jail cell has a small window.
Now Kim has decided she is going back east for an undetermined length of time. Her son needs someone to care for Nova so he can work and I am the only option. I am going to do it but told the guys I don’t want to do it full-time. For one thing, getting my rent covered is great but what about cash. I am 57, my time is running out for making money to retire on. I can’t put my life on hold for a child that isn’t even my granddaughter, no one is going to support me when I am 64 with no income. The guys want to take out-of-town jobs where they are gone for a month at a time and I will be stuck here with Nova, and a car that won’t get me out of the driveway. I am sick about it, just sick.
But I am stuck, my son is stuck, Kim is leaving. My son and I have already had fights because he said I was costing him so much money, what with a dog deposit of $450 and rent of $400 a month. But I don’t see that he should be paying anything for my rent.
When I was out exploring the town I ran into a woman who invited me to the North Thompson Women in Business Luncheon which was yesterday and I took Kim with me. It was a great luncheon, everyone was so friendly, and they went around the table introducing themselves and what they do. I met at least 5 women I want to interview for my new blog on healing, one woman does tapping, another is into reflexology, another into reading crystal cards. When it came to me and I mentioned the blog and supporting victims of abuse I could see everyone sit up and take notice. A bunch of them want to learn how to blog and they were very interested in my experience with domestic abuse. Last year a young woman was murdered by her common law partner in the town and the whole town was really shook up. They have started a “safe house escape” program for women being abused and I guess one of the big news shows has been in town filming and the woman said she would put me in touch with the guy in charge of it. His daughter was also killed by her abusive partner. I think I could do some volunteer work for sure but there would be a real opportunity to make money also. I am sure I could speak at the local high school and various women’s groups but not if I am taking care of Nova 24/7. I have been a single mom, 31 years ago and even then I worked. I do not want to do this.
Nathan is also talking about another couple coming to live here, with their two big dogs, I don’t know these people, 4 big dogs in the house, my son gone 75% of the time and me raising some other guy’s child and me stuck way up here with no way out.
I can’t even talk about it I get so upset.
I am so sorry for crying the blues again, I just can’t believe how things have changed and I just wish I had a home to go home to.