You Get To Choose What Kind Of Victim You Want To Be

What do I mean by you get to choose what kind of victim you get to be? You never chose to be a victim at all!! Who would choose to be a victim? That is crazy! and you are just struggling to cope with life, handle your grief and pain, there is no choice in the matter at all!!

Well, you are wrong, you DO have a choice! There are several types of victims and it is totally up to you which one you pick.

There is the “All men are scum” victim, they refuse to ever trust again, if they do meet a man they can find narcissistic traits in the most innocent of actions. I heard from one victim who after about a year went on a date with a fellow, they had a really good time, he was very gentlemanly and said he would call later in the week. She got home and started analyzing the night, he was awfully nice. I don’t know how she found out but she figured it out that he had gone out of town for 4 days, and so she dumped him because he was a liar. I asked her how she knew he had gone out of town and why she figured it was any of her business.  Even if he had gone out of town with another woman he must have had the plans made before he had the date with her, so that meant he was a man of his word and kept the date with the other woman. So far he had done nothing wrong. And he called her later in the week like promised. But you can bet once he found out she had spied on him and she accused him of being a narcissist he ran to the highest hill to get away from her; if he didn’t he is probably a narcissist. A normal healthy man is not going to put up with being spied on or deal with your paranoia just because you were hurt in the past. Nor should he!

There is the “I have no control” victim. She relies on the man to give her worth and make her feel good about herself but she leaves what man she dates totally up to the man. She dates and the first man that shows her any attention is the one she falls in “love” with. She worries about whether she is the type of woman he wants and bends herself into a pretzel trying to be the right woman for him. She tells him that she was hurt badly in the past, thinking that will protect her from him hurting her. For one thing a normal healthy man never goes into a relationship with the intention of hurting the other person, so what does she expect? that he will commit on the 1st date to spend the rest of his life with her? there is always a chance of getting hurt in every relationships, even the healthy ones. And if the guy is a narcissist you have given him private info he will use against you down the road and he has no scruples and doesn’t care if you have been hurt before, he is still going to hurt you. She goes through life wondering why she keeps attracting narcissists and they keep hurting her.

Then there is the “I am done with love forever” victim. Their lives are ruined, they have no faith in love, don’t believe in love and think all men are evil. They vow to spend the rest of their lives single and warning others about narcissists, they spend all their time on Narcissist Support Forums warning other women about narcissists and reliving their own pain day after day after day.

There is the “I will expose him and bring him down” victim who spends the rest of her days, stalking her ex, she stays in contact with him so she can know what he is up to at all times and she spends her days trying to figure out what he is up to now and continually warns the women in his life. She then can not believe that the new woman does not believe her and hates the new woman for being so stupid, she tells herself they deserve each other. This victim talks with such venom and hatred about the narcissist to anyone who will listen that friends drop off and she gets to be known as the crazy lady. Which she is, the narcissist didn’t do that to her, she did it to herself by making him the focus of her life instead of getting on with life herself.

What do all these victims have in common? They were all clinging to the narcissist in some way and giving him all the power over them. I have said it many times before, IT IS NOT THE VICTIM’S FAULT that they were targeted by a narcissist; BUT that does not mean they had no control over it or couldn’t have avoided it had they known their own self worth and what they were dealing with. Anyone can be targeted by a narcissist but not everyone succumbs to their charms and manipulation. Why? Because they know they worth and they have set boundaries they are not afraid to defend.

You can say, “but I am an empath and I can’t help it”. I say “yes, you can help it. You CAN be an empath and still protect yourself from being a victim of a narcissist. You can trust again and find love, you can still be a loving caring person without giving yourself away to the man you love.”

And THAT is what I want to talk about in No Reim’er Reason.” You don’t have to be frozen and controlled by your fear of being hurt again. You don’t have to be a victim the rest of your life, using your victimhood as a shield against ever loving again, hiding behind your hurt too afraid to venture out in the world. You CAN take your experience and become a strong vibrant woman in love with life that men are drawn to because you know your worth and you are out there living your life happy with inner peace. NOT because some man told you that you are wonderful and lovable but because you know without a doubt that you ARE valued and loved for who you are and you won’t take anything less from anyone.

Yes, an important part of healing, the beginning part; requires learning about the narcissist and how they operate but it will not protect from future narcissists, THAT comes from knowing yourself better than anyone else and believing in yourself. It is the ONLY way of protecting yourself. If you have been continually hurt by narcissists you need to look within to find the answers.

Being a victim can become very comfortable, it relieves you of all responsibility for your happiness, it gives you a purpose and identity, and it becomes comfortable. Have you found that when you come in here and talk about the narcissist you almost get a “high”, you can relate to everyone who comes in, you bond with everyone through being a victim. It becomes a little “us against them” sorority, the initiation fee is a broken heart. And it is good to know you are not alone, that you are not crazy, but you can get stuck there too. The more you think about and talk about the narcissist the deeper he becomes embedded in your mind. You become as hooked on being a victim as you were to the narcissist. Being a victim becomes your addiction, your crutch. It is easier to be a victim than look within for answers and work on yourself, you might not like what you see when you look at yourself, you don’t want to change, change is scary but you can not be who you were, that person is gone forever, you slept with the devil and nothing can change that. Do you grow from it and become a better person? that is totally up to you.

On my emails I sign off with this tag line

I don’t know when it happened but at some point I stopped trying to find the old me and started trying to be the best me.

Join me at No Reim’er Reason to become your best you.

The you who knows your worth and goes out into the world open to whatever comes your way be it love, friendship, or a life being single. A victim who doesn’t consider themselves to be a victim. A woman who embraces everything that has happened to her in life because it brought her to this place, a woman who has taken her experiences and used them to make herself more aware, more loving, more accepting and less needy, suspicious and afraid.

When you meet a man you are attracted to you aren’t filled with fear that he will be another narcissist because you know you are in control. You know that you will never let anyone cross your boundaries again and if you aren’t being treated as you should be you will have the power and confidence to walk away. You won’t ever again try to be the woman a man wants, you will approach dating with the mind set “is he the man for me” , you won’t “let things slide”, “settle” for less than you deserve, you will be able to walk away without guilt when you see that the man’s words do not match his actions, you won’t need “proof” that he is an asshole, you will know that it is ok to walk away because you feel uncomfortable with the way things are going in the relationship. You will listen to your gut and know it is telling you to walk and you won’t have to prove it to yourself, you will not longer feel you have to fix everything and every man. You will not have to prove what a good woman you are by support a man with potential. You will know that you are a wonderful woman deserving of a man who knows his own self worth and doesn’t need a woman to tell him or support him or sacrifice for him.

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11 thoughts on “You Get To Choose What Kind Of Victim You Want To Be

  1. Hi Carrie, good piece and I so agree we can get stuck in victim mode. One thing I didn’t see that I think vital for any hurting person which I learned in my years of working with victims of domestic violence is is this. Wherever you are in the process of healing is okay. It is okay to be right where you are wherever that is. You are okay just as you are. I’ve had recent requests from someone who wants to overhaul others lives for names of people she might be able to help. But I gave her no names and never will because her whole program is so “blamy.” She is a walking contradiction who lives on disability while telling others how they can learn to take their life back just like she did. My problem with her whole “look at me and how successful I am” is that most don’t even know she still gets disability. I say nothing, it is her karma. But I think there is a fine line between “helping” or possibly “hurting” because we are all at different stages. You are so right that nobody chooses to be a victim. But sometimes it takes a long time to heal and I think it’s important to let the hurting know that it’s okay to just be right where they are or the help becomes just another form of “blamy” pressures they are nowhere near capable of utilizing and the overwhelm sends them running. I know this because I have been on both sides of the coin so to speak. I have worked in the Justice system with victims of violence and walked away from my own almost strangling marriage of 32 years. Sorry to blog on your blog. I just felt you would appreciate my sharing. Hugs and success wished your way ❤️❤️❤️

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    • yho!! thank you for being brutally honest about choosing being a victim. I also lived and tarried in the mindset that I needed to expose him, that is when I was still suffering from all the emotional/mental abuse he put me through. But luckily I woke up after almost losing my job that actually I am in control, I just need to read about him/his character and understand and realize he got into my life to educate me more about my inner childhood wounds. I am recovering well, but he is back telling me we need to get back together cause we need each other. He even says he is back because he has forgiven me hahahahahaaahaaa when I ask about what he says he does not want to go back to the past. So he is the generous one, who has forgiven me without me asking for forgiveness. in other words he is still on his former bullshit.

      I have started putting myself first and telling him that I am not responsible for his welfare, I am only responsible for our son.
      I want to step up and raise my children well, or at least by God’s standards. I want our son to be safe and free from his father’s toxic life ( I don’t know how, I will pray for insight and keep researching). I will keep moving forward. That is for sure!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Mary, try to remain strong, they are so persistent and tend to wear a person down. They treat you like shit but won’t ever let you go without a fight. They say they will change, even cry real tears and admit to everything they ever did wrong, just to get the victim back and then they will treat you worse than ever before.
        Know you are doing the right thing for yourself and your son, it isn’t easy but we are here for moral support.
        |Please keep educating yourself on narcissists so you are prepared for what is to come.
        keeping a journal will be invaluable later, write down every lie he tells, threats, any promises, it doesn’t have to be long and wordy. Just a few quick notes, it will help you keep your sanity, prove you aren’t imagining things, and could be very useful should you have to fight him in court later and it also is a good reminder of what you were dealing with later when the self doubt hits.
        Good luck and you know where to find us!
        \Hugs
        Carrie

        Liked by 1 person

    • Janni, you are right, on all counts. And I have said it many times on here that there is no time limit and no one can tell someone else how to heal or when to heal but I do feel that people should know that by continuing to talk about and dwell on the ex they are embedding him deeper into their psyche. Then they don’t understand why they aren’t healing.
      I don’t blame the victim BUT that said we all do have control of our own lives (I can admit that now that I am 5 years out, a couple of years ago I would have argued that point). I realized I have control when I wanted to stop feeling so vulnerable and know I could protect myself from another narcissist. In order to do that you have to admit you have control over your life, your pain and your happiness (to some degree)
      I don’t know what your friend is teaching, but I am trying to get disability and don’t see that getting it would make me a failure, a person can have a million $ in the bank and not be a success or have not a penny and be very successful it depends success in what area? and how do you define success?
      For me, healing didn’t “just happen” I had to work at it.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I understand. Healing is slow and challenging as I spent 32 years with an abuser and know this fact all too well. I don’t say that getting disability makes her a failure, what fails in my opinion is the double standard, doing the look at me, look how great I am doing selling my books, my blog, my seminars when in fact many just haven’t had the years of recovery nor the luxury of disability to fall back on. I know you have lived through many financial hardships and had nothing to fall back on either, just as I have had. It’s rough. I think my primary message is one of gentle compassion where people are not asked what kind of victim they are but perhaps gently guided to their own awakening in their own time, just as you and I have had. When trapped in the throes of abuse or still in the relationship you are trying to escape or perhaps in court for many years as I was, it feels like shame blaming because we are so raw, so fragile and so vulnerable. There is nothing wrong with what you wrote, what I have to say is that it will only appeal to a handful of people rather than the many that could still be reached and helped. As one who also worked for years in the justice system with victims of domestic violence, we were trained to never shame blame even in the slightest way because it could be the very thing that tips them back into staying locked in that relationship, situation, etc. Sometimes talking about the abuse and dwelling on it is the only road to healing which is also something you and I know very well. It takes years to get out of that awful loop of talking about it but one day we awoke and it didn’t have us by the throat anymore. This is all I wish for all who read your pages and also why I felt compelled to address something that is not only an easy fix but very valid in the work of helping others break free. Much success wished your way, you always land on your feet, Carrie, and this is the hope I have for your readers, you do good work 🙂

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  2. I tried to click on the No Reim’er Reason link on my phone. It won’t open. I do agree that it’s time to move on. I will never forgive my ex for being a greedy, selfish demon from hell. But, I’m tired of living in the past. He will never own up to what he did because in his mind, he did nothing wrong, I owed him… I will never get justice! No, it’s not fair but, that’s life. Time to quit wasting my life on a bad memory.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Mary, try to remain strong, they are so persistent and tend to wear a person down. They treat you like shit but won’t ever let you go without a fight. They say they will change, even cry real tears and admit to everything they ever did wrong, just to get the victim back and then they will treat you worse than ever before.
      Know you are doing the right thing for yourself and your son, it isn’t easy but we are here for moral support.
      |Please keep educating yourself on narcissists so you are prepared for what is to come.
      keeping a journal will be invaluable later, write down every lie he tells, threats, any promises, it doesn’t have to be long and wordy. Just a few quick notes, it will help you keep your sanity, prove you aren’t imagining things, and could be very useful should you have to fight him in court later and it also is a good reminder of what you were dealing with later when the self doubt hits.
      Good luck and you know where to find us!
      \Hugs
      Carrie

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  3. Thanks Carrie, good article…keep encouraging! I am the happiest I have ever been in my life, no contact is the only way…it was one of the things I didn’t want to do after the divorce because you still have that dim light that they will realize you are the best woman for them, then you wake up, slap yourself, have a glass of wine and get on with life!!! It was the best thing I ever did…cheers!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Not sure where I fit in. Initially, because I couldn’t find anything on him in my numerous background checks, later on , I felt there needed to be something out there for any future victims of his who were trying to check him prior to getting involved.

    I posted him on several cheater sites, but that largely only seemed to attract his flying monkeys trying to protect him! As you do, I also used to blog about my experiences with him on my road to recovery. I ceased doing that years ago! I don’t feel the need to blog. Others are much better!

    Later on, I sought to remove those old cheater profiles if only for my own protection when I realized his flying monkeys were stalking me on my blog, cheater sites, and forums! Once I realized they were using my most common “handle” to identify me, I learned to use “aliases” and numerous other identities to shake them off my trail. I learned a lot and I’m truly grateful!

    I have no doubt he’s gotten older, and uglier in his 70’s now. Also, he’s as boring and shallow as he ever was. He doesn’t enjoy the kind of popularity he used to. Whatever he’s doing, I’m sure it doesn’t amount to much. I don’t care to identify him anymore to potential victims. Eventually, as a friend of mine said, “he’ll pass on”. I know he’s not in good health. Whatever, he’s not important! I don’t even think he’s worth hating (not sure I ever did hate him truth be told!).

    I’ve long moved to the political arena, doing whatever I can to help. Gardening is my favorite hobby. My wounds have long since healed. I learned to be a stronger, better person I think. I see psychopathic individuals coming a mile off, and now know how to avoid them.

    My romantic interests lie elsewhere, although I am quite content to be a single woman in the world. I get my strength from me! I don’t need to have a man in my life, although if I were to meet someone suitable, I don’t think I’d be adverse to dating again. Well, there is one man, but only time will tell about how that will go. Either way, I’m feeling great! Life is good!
    \

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