Putting the Pieces Of Me Back Together

I just posted this on No Reim’er Reason, to read the whole post all you have to do is join the new interactive blog No Reim’er Reason for a mere $15 for a life time membership.

For those of you who have already joined the site, we have over 20 members now, remember to click on the Follow Button in the sidebar so you get notified of new posts and comments.

I changed the format of the blog because the chat feature was just not working. Now the blog is interactive like a chat room, hopefully it will be sufficient  if not, I will keep searching until I find the answer. This format is supposed to work just like a chat room, so here’s hoping.

I have been there every day at 11, but only one person showed up so far. If the time is not convenient for you please let me know and we will try to work out a time that works for most people. This is our blog, not mine, so I want your input.

Putting The Puzzle Back Together,

puzzle heart

After James and I split I literally felt as if I was in a million pieces, I didn’t even know who I was any more and nothing felt natural to me. It was a bizarre feeling, scary, I stuttered and stammered when I went out in public, I would have thoughts in my head, logical and intelligent conversation but somehow by the time it got to my mouth I couldn’t put an intelligent sentence together, I forgot words, forgot what I was going to say; I felt like a fool. I had always been very outspoken and able to get my point across, what was wrong with me? If I tried to be funny my humor fell flat, I had always been able to come back with a witty one liner if a guy hit on me and now I could not flirt to save my life; all things that had been second nature to me prior. I had been an excellent cook and now I burned toast, I had been a obsessive house cleaner and now my place was a pig sty, I didn’t know what I wanted to eat, even in a restaurant I couldn’t make up my mind. At home I ate microwave dinners, just because I knew I had to eat and it saved me having to think if what to cook. AND to top it all off all I could talk about was James, because he was always in my mind, over shadowing everything I did.

I didn’t know how to have casual chit chat, I felt out of touch with the world, like I had been gone from civilization for years and just come back and everyone had left me behind. I had nothing in my life that could relate to what my old friends were doing now.

Who was I? and how on earth was I ever going to function in this world that seemed so foreign to me after James? I had always had being the Lady Witha Truck to fall back on as my identity, but he had stripped me of that before discarding me, so I was lost, who was Carrie is she wasn’t someone’s partner and she didn’t have a job, what defined me?

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4 thoughts on “Putting the Pieces Of Me Back Together

    • carrie just sugestion maybe time difrence between countries fornew blog know this feeling you said feel like senile at times weird want to say more cant at moment realy cant use left hand good luck xxx

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  1. Hi Carrie, I’ve been a frequent visitor of your site for a bit, but it was mainly back in the day when I was not ready to even think of leaving my N. Now, your blog is the very definition of most of my thoughts, and I don’t think I can stay much longer.

    We are in a situation that has left us in financial squalor, we are constantly being served 3 day or quits and his car is finally being taken away after hundreds of dollars unpaid due. And because of this (and some substances) his state of mind has been at its most bizarre and horrendously abusive. The psychological abuse is so unreal and cruel that I didn’t think it would ever reach this level. His paranoia has always been bad but has reached destructive new heights. He blames me for the whole predicament because he can’t trust me while he is at work, due to me either answering the phone “like I’m distracted” or a man’s voice he hears in the background, or when a male neighbor looks at him funny (that must mean I’m screwing him) it is all my fault that he can’t stop his anxiety and must come home. I’m blamed for circumstances out of my control and if he is suspicious of something, I get the blame. He will not allow me to go to my family’s home or any small errand in peace, there are just accusations and cussing and sarcasm. But then when he is home, he treats me as an enemy. He has nothing but disdain and resentment towards me due to the so many “flaws” I have and how many “wrongdoings” I “pull.” One night I got fed up and wanted to go get something to eat while he was working at night, so I left to go get food and didn’t notify him. When he found out he went berserk, he got up in my face as I was sitting on the floor sipping some water and violently lunged for and snatched the cup in my hand and pushed me aside. I was pretty frightened and when he left again later on I called a platonic male friend and told him that I was in an abusive situation and was worried. A few weeks ago he said that I didn’t “know what real violence was like…yet.” Which scared me too. He found out about it and of course interprets it as me waiting til he left so I can call a guy to cheat on him with. I’ve been paying with my soul ever since. He said that I should have called my dad, police, or left by myself. I didn’t want to call my father because he is elderly, it wasn’t enough for me to call the cops, and if I had left on my own he would have tracked me down. So the emotional and verbal mistreatment has been so painful I have physically broken out, and now I feel the threat of physical intimidation. He has cut me off from everyone who could support me if I left, they refuse to speak to me because they believe I chose him over them, when you and I both know I was crazily manipulated to never see them again. My parents are too old to take this burden, and he knows where they live, so I have very little options and support where I am right now. I know that relocating to a different part of the country (I’m in California) would be the safest both emotionally and physically…I am 110000000% sure he would stalk me (he monitors me and records me sometimes as it is) and I want to be far away from it, and to start a new life away from him and from those who refuse to understand that I was a good person who was maliciously conned into a prisoner type situation. I want to find a way to do this cost effectively…I am overdrawn and with no assistance. The most heartbreaking thing is that I sold my laptop (easily my most used tool and favorite possession) to help him pay for the car last month, for WAY under what it was worth…only to have him late on his payments again and to blame me for “being sneaky” so he couldn’t work the hours to pay me back, so too bad he said. I think I saw somewhere in your blog about a Kickstarter, how did you do that? I really am the face of needing to start over with nothing.

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