After James and I split I literally felt as if I was in a million pieces, I didn’t even know who I was any more and nothing felt natural to me. It was a bizarre feeling, scary, I stuttered and stammered when I went out in public, I would have thoughts in my head, logical and intelligent conversation but somehow by the time it got to my mouth I couldn’t put an intelligent sentence together, I forgot words, forgot what I was going to say; I felt like a fool. I had always been very outspoken and able to get my point across, what was wrong with me? If I tried to be funny my humor fell flat, I had always been able to come back with a witty one liner if a guy hit on me and now I could not flirt to save my life; all things that had been second nature to me prior. I had been an excellent cook and now I burned toast, I had been a obsessive house cleaner and now my place was a pig sty, I didn’t know what I wanted to eat, even in a restaurant I couldn’t make up my mind. At home I ate microwave dinners, just because I knew I had to eat and it saved me having to think if what to cook. AND to top it all off all I could talk about was James, because he was always in my mind, over shadowing everything I did.
I didn’t know how to have casual chit chat, I felt out of touch with the world, like I had been gone from civilization for years and just come back and everyone had left me behind. I had nothing in my life that could relate to what my old friends were doing now.
Who was I? and how on earth was I ever going to function in this world that seemed so foreign to me after James? I had always had being the Lady Witha Truck to fall back on as my identity, but he had stripped me of that before discarding me, so I was lost, who was Carrie is she wasn’t someone’s partner and she didn’t have a job, what defined me?