Oh The Lies We Tell Ourselves

I can tell from reading recent comments that there are some new members of the blog who are still lying to themselves. They  may be putting on a strong front to everyone on the blog and to people who know them; saying they have been no contact for how ever many weeks, even though it is killing them they will NOT let the N treat them with disrespect any longer.

Maybe they are meeting the N for some reason and plan on being strong or perhaps they have come up with some excuse to need the narcissist for some problem that only the narcissist can help with. They are telling everyone who will listen that this time you mean it, you will not be going back, he went too far this time.

But if they are honest, there is this tiny part (or large part of them) that is secretly hoping and praying that the narcissist somehow begs enough or lies good enough that they can go back without everyone telling them they are being stupid. You see if he lies good enough, then they can lie to themselves and if it turns out that he is lying once again, the victim is off the hook, it can’t be their fault they got hurt again if he lied to them! right?! I mean how can it be their fault if he lied and they believed him? He is such a convincing liar after all.

It can be the victim’s fault for getting hurt again because you know the truth now, you know he is a pathological liar who can convince and Eskimo they need a freezer. What is that saying, “Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.” How about fool me 27 times over the course of 10 years or more? who’s fault is it then?

What makes me so smart, how do I know what you are feeling and thinking? that is awfully arrogant of me! I know because I was you, I forgave and believed and went back so many times I was a joke among friends and I remember praying he would tell me a good enough lie I could lie to myself. I didn’t know about narcissist at the time, but I knew he was  lying, abusive, cheating asshole. Did I really need to know he was a narcissist?

I remember coming on the site a year after leaving James and crying, “Why does he keep hurting me?!!” and a couple of ladies, (because I only had a couple of followers at that point) Tic Tok and Coach, said, “Because you let him.” I was offended. How could they know, I didn’t ask him to hurt me, he lied!! They both told me to run and never look back that I was playing with fire and my life was in danger. Eventually they both told me their stories. They had both been in abusive relationships and they both ended up in a life and death situation with their abuser because they kept contact, they kept hoping and kept believing the lies and ignoring the danger they were in. One of them ended up fighting for her life because her ex asked her to go for a drive with him and he pulled a gun.  The victims who are continuing contact are playing Russian Roulette with the devil. These guys are NOT normal, they have no remorse, no conscience, no guilt, they are toying with you and when they tire of you or you push them into a corner they will turn on you.

Here is a link to a post I did in 2012

I was still talking to him and he was still hurting me and it was a year and a half after we split.

What you don’t realize right now, (because you are still talking to the N and still fresh out of the relationship); is how twisted your thinking has become, how dysfunctional the relationship really is and you won’t until you cut him from your life. Believe me, you feel you love him this much because you haven’t broken away from him. Once you get some distance for a good period of time, not a week or two, I am talking months; you will start to see things clearly and see exactly how sick he is and how sick you both had become. You will see how you assigned him emotions you thought he should be feeling instead of taking him at face value.

Yes, it is good to educate yourself about narcissists so you know what you are dealing with but you must stop trying to figure out why he does what he does, what he means when he does this or says that, why he called, why he doesn’t call, if he is happy with the new woman, why he won’t leave you alone, because the answer is………. he is a narcissist and they don’t make sense! then you have to ask yourself why even though you know he is abusive and a cheater and a liar, why you keep going back. You HAVE to break the invisible ties he has on you and trust that once you are away from him long enough you will see reality differently.

 

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13 Replies to “Oh The Lies We Tell Ourselves”

  1. After finding out recently to use of affairs, fake emails fake Facebook, two years of lies, two years of betrayals. I find myself still trying to work on her marriage. My husband is currently deployed, and I find myself here alone not knowing exactly if I should walk away or stay. He wants me to sweep everything under the rug, he doesn’t understand why I have a difficult time trusting him. He cheated on me 2 1/2 years ago and I found out right away, I chose to work to our marriage go to counseling together. And here I am 2 1/2 years later and I find out that he’s had a fake email for two years and every time he goes away for training he has affairs. I have no idea why I want to stay when I first called him out on this he said he wanted a divorce. What is wrong with me? I love all your blogs, sometimes I feel like you’re writing specifically about me. Keep up the great work

    Chantal

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Chantal, you really do not want to be with someone who is capable of lying and cheating. Cut your losses and get out before you invest more time, energy, and resources. Resources are finite, yet the cruelty a narc can dish out is infinite! I gave mine 20 years of my life. Please take heed and love yourself more.

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  2. I was completely no contact. And then……. His office profile popped up on Facebook as someone I might want to friend. It had a new picture so I clicked on it. well it is safe to say that I am no where near being over him. I was once again near hysterical with tears and grief. I know better, I know better but I still took the bait. It is amazing I had moved forward so much and it only took one peek to bring me to my knees. I will join the new group on the first when I get paid. I miss you. You are my backbone while I regrow mine. I will never again tell myself another lie.

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    1. Isn’t that the worst? I am strictly NO CONTACT, no matter what. When I mistakenly get info about my NPDx, it starts the crazy and pain all over again.
      Forgive yourself and get right back on NC again.

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      1. I can relate to everything I read. Unfortunately I am on the other side of the fence. My ex wife is the narcissist.
        For years we only had one argument, men. She would be up until all hours talking to other men. I would come to bed and she’s messaging a friend she just said goodbye to. She was spotted by someone else – like a teenager behind a shed with a friends tongue shovelled down her throat.
        She then left and had me charged with DV ( where no evidence is required and the laws are so flimsy I could’ve put one on her but didn’t) so I couldn’t see the kids again and I was told months later by a mutual friend that he had been roped into helping her move interstate with her boyfriend. Thankfully her lawyer warned her not to.
        Then in family court where evidence IS required all her lies started to be exposed. Unfortunately she had left me almost bankrupt and I could only afford the fight through a generous lawyer and financial help from my mother.
        But due to the near corrupt attitude of the family legal profession I couldn’t clear my name but thankfully walked away with 36% co-parenting custody.
        The reason I say that is the psychologist who reported my ex wifes lies is protected from a malpractice lawsuit due to the privacy laws surrounding her report. However as you said Carrie, I have mountains of text messages to prove that what my ex told her was nothing but lies. So now I am stuck still in some sort or relationship with this woman for the safety of my kids.
        The reason I say safety is as you know, the kids are just a form of supply for her. Even her lawyers know by the deal she offered -which floored my lawyer – is I have them every weekend, from Friday to Sunday, the deal keeps her pension benefits in place while her boyfriends and me through child support top it up. In 5 years even she has agreed as our eldest starts high school, we are ordered to meet to negotiate more time for me. Funny, our youngest is in school then and the government money dries up.
        All I can do is provide the kids with some form of normality and fun and help them see that life can be normal for them.
        In the meantime I only really organise things via text messages. Evidence to use later when applying for multiple contraventions.
        I wish I could go no contact. She has even tried the whole crying “I miss you” while sleeping with 3 other men. Wow! And lying about multiple things to her lawyer when the orders were put in place that I can already prove.
        I write all of this in the hope that 1. I understand your pain and 2. It is understood that even men get sucked in by this evil. The school (run by mostly women) school mum’s and there husbands have all been supportive as they saw her actions and abuse of their friendship and help after she left as not even close to normal.
        A couple of times I have asked her about her lies, shown I can prove it and had to walk away as she starts to arc up and deny it happened that way, even with her own supplied evidence. Your right, it’s just about keeping yourself sane as you’ll never fix them.
        I struggled for over a year, wanting her back, but even her own Aunty and Grandmother told me not to be so stupid.
        I imagine most here are the same, how do you now move on when trust is our biggest issue. I know I an jumping at shadows when it comes to women, but thankfully I have also seen many good examples of love and loyalty to know it’s not all women. I just have to learn to let go so I can move on.
        I hope we can all do the same, venting is needed, but so is moving forward. I hope I can.
        Thank you.
        I hope this horror story made sense. It nearly killed me losing my kids for 4 months. I can never put into words how horrible that was, and based only on what eventually were proven to be lies.
        She also left the kids home alone for about 3 hours. Child Protection were notified and all she got from the judge and Child Protection was a slap on the wrist. Yet I lost kids my kids for 4 months based solely on her word. Tuw kids at that time of her event were 6, 3 and 18 months and all she got was a slap on the wrist.

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        1. Wayne, I am sorry about your situation and it is even more horrible that you still have contact with your N to co parent. My heart goes out to you.
          Since you will be having contact because of the children, check out the “Grey Rock” technique for dealing with the odious N.
          I have no contact with my x N, but I have a niece who is exhibiting signs of borderline personality disorder. Going Grey Rock has helped shut off the fodder from me in regards to triangulation.
          Good luck in your quest to make contact for the children tolerable.

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        2. Wayne, thank you taking the time to share your experiences, I fully agreed that female narcissists exist and do just as much damage to their victims as the males do. I only refer to Narcissists as male for the sake of brevity and because it is my experience. But anything true about a male narc hold for a female narc. They are evil beyond anything a normal person can imagine and that is why the victim gets blindsided and hurt so badly; there is no way they can prepare for the cruelty and vindictiveness of a narcissist.
          It sounds like you are doing the best you can under the circumstances and have managed to deflect or minimize a lot of the harm she tried to cause you. It is so draining to always have to be one step ahead of them and defend ourselves against bizarre lies and accusations.
          You are right also in that the kids need you to provide a healthy, safe normal home for them, they will need it more and more as they get older.
          Unfortunately when you have children with a narc you are stuck with them to some degree for 18 years at least.
          You obviously have a good understanding of what you are dealing with and that will be a lot of help to you in the future.
          Good luck!
          Hugs
          CArrie

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  3. carrie you are right there is no sense to ever be made from them struggling with health issues at the moment but thankyou for this post hope everything is going well for youxxx

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  4. This is so accurately described that I got chills from reading it! The narcissist weaves so many lies and stories around us, but in the end we are in fact aware of that, and start lying to ourselves. It is extremely hard to escape, one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to struggle with, but it simply has to be done. The thing that can make the break harder I think is the brainwashing that took place for so long. A great blog post from you. When I first started to detach from my ex narcissist, your blog was one of the first inspirations for me, that made me see what I was dealing with. So thank you for your brilliant posts! 🙂

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