I think there is a tendency these days for people to call anyone who disagrees with them, pissed them off, or who they fall in love with and doesn’t love them back, a narcissist. Narcissist has become overused to the point where it is losing it’s impact and not taken as seriously as it should be.
Everyone wants to label everyone else, put them in a nice little clearly defined category so they can say, “Not my fault”. “It’s not MY fault I got hurt, I am a sensitive caring person, I can’t change that”, “It’s not my fault he didn’t fall in love with me, he is a narcissist” Never mind that you knew going into the relationship the guy didn’t have a job, had a drinking problem, and told you that he was not into any kind of commitment. You can not then sleep with the guy, be available to him any time he calls and fall willingly into bed every time he shows up at your door and then complain and call him a narcissist when you fall in love with him and he is not receptive to it.
Guys can be pretty dense, James and I had a friend years ago, Chuck, he was so far from a narcissist that he was James’s exact opposite. Chuck was shy, awkward with women and would spend most of his Saturday nights visiting with me instead of dating single women his own age. He started dating a young single mom but was not into the instant family of a 4 year old and an 8 year old. There was nothing wrong with the woman, they had a lot in common and enjoyed each other’s company, he told me that he that he really liked her and enjoyed her company but he just could not do the step-dad-instant-family thing. I told him ,”You have to walk away then Chuck. It would be unfair to let her feelings grow for you when you know you are never going to let it go further. You can’t let the kids grow to love you and then walk away. The right thing to do is end it now, and that means, never have sex with her again also!”
So, he went and had a talk with her and told her the truth and they “broke up” but agreed to “stay friends” because they really did have a good time together. He came to me so relieved, it had gone better then he had envisioned it would. She had cried and said she loved him, but in the end they agreed to still see each other as friends.
I asked, “Friends with benefits? or true friends? Because Chuck, I don’t care what she agreed to when you two talked, the minute you have sex with her, all deals are off. She is going to think you are “dating” again and there is hope the relationship will last.”
He didn’t believe me, he assured me that they were on the same page and she was totally ok with everything.
As I secretly thought would happen, nothing really changed with them. They saw each other every weekend, just like they had been, they were having sex, but in Chuck’s mind they were “just friends” and he was free to date other women, and had no responsibility to his now ex girlfriend until he started dating someone else and sleeping with them, then he would have to stop sleeping with his ex out of respect for the new woman. I just shook my head and told him again, “Every time you have sex with her she is thinking the relationship is back on.”
He did not listen to me and it was convenient to keep dating her on the weekends because neither one of them had someone else and it was “easy”. Eventually he met a woman on Plenty of Fish who he started dating. All of a sudden he was not available on the weekends when his “friend” called to see what he was doing (because after all they had been getting together every weekend for almost a year). The first few times he skirted the issue, not wanting to hurt her feelings and unsure of how he felt about this new woman but eventually he had to tell his ex he was seeing someone.
As I had predicted, she did not take it well! He came to me looking shell shocked, he had never seen her that mad, she had screamed all kinds of ugly things at him and been crying and carrying on. He didn’t understand why she was so mad. I said, “You didn’t believe me Chuck, I told you, if you slept with her she would assume the relationship is back on, you were seeing her every weekend like always. Just because a woman agrees to “just be friends” does not mean she really means it.”
Later that day she pulled up in his driveway and threw all his stuff in the mud, tore another strip off of him and laid rubber, calling him an asshole as she went down the road.
He was totally confused and honestly could not understand why she was so upset, they had calmly talked about it and agreed, he never told her he loved her, never pressured her to sleep with him, they had agreed to both start dating other people; so what went wrong? why was he the bad guy?
Chuck was NOT a narcissist and in all honesty I don’t believe he was an asshole, he just did not understand women and was very naive. I am sure he learned from that lesson, or I certainly hope so.
It was an unfortunate situation where two people met at the wrong time in their lives, had different goals, whatever; one felt more than the other one and neither one was totally honest about their feelings, the woman thought she would play it cool and he would eventually come around and he thought they were able to just be friends and have sex with no strings attached.
She had every right to be angry and hurt and I told him that he had to leave her alone, even if she called and said she could be friends he had to be the one who ended all contact, for a while anyway, until she healed AND no matter what he could never sleep with her again unless he loved her. Thank God he listened to me because she did call about a week later and wanted to talk and said she could be friends.
She was lying to herself, just as I had done in the past with guys, telling myself that I was capable of casual sex or thinking that the guy would fall in love with me eventually if I was available and agreeable.
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