Sleeping Single In A Double Bed

Sleeping single in a double bed

When I went to bed last night I went with Stella. When I woke up about 3 am I had four big dogs in bed with me, all who weigh somewhere between 65 and 85 lbs. I had one behind my knees, one with their head on my shoulder, another one against my stomach and one at my feet. I didn’t dare move because that could cause a chain reaction I don’t want to experience at 3 am. Best to leave sleeping dogs lay.

I have not been around much lately because I have been trying to get myself centered again, figure out where I am going and what path I am supposed to be on. You see, often in life just when you think you are on the right path, life throws you a curve ball and throws you off course. Sometimes we are so focused on what we think should be happening in our lives we totally miss the fact that maybe we are on the wrong path.

If you are anything like me you hate to give up, on anything, a relationship, a job, a friendship, you follow through, you carry through on promises, you are loyal and …… well…….. rather stubborn. Then the ego gets involved, we don’t want to fail, we don’t want to admit we weren’t able to make it work. We get confused about some basic truths and we need to sit back, take a deep breath and get out of our own way. We do not always see things clearly, we do not always know what is best for us and we do not know when to let something go and that walking away is not failing……. sometimes walking away is the only way to succeed, the only smart thing to do.

When you are a strong, independent woman it is really hard to sit back and let things unfold the way they need to and not try to make them unfold as we think they should. We waste a lot of energy fighting the natural progression of things.

I would not have been with James 10 years if I would have let things just run their course, if I hadn’t been trying to fix things all the time and just let him prove himself to be who he was I would have been out of there years prior!!

I would have saved myself a whole lot of grief if I would not have defined myself as “The Lady Witha Truck”, I clung to that truck and business like it was me, my identity, my worth.

So many women attached their identity and worth to

  • The man in their life
  • The house they live in
  • The job the do
  • The money they have
  • I was reading a comment on Chumplady’s site the other day and the victim of infidelity was obsessed the new woman was using her stove.

Now I know what she is really upset about is not the stove but that is what she has chosen to focus on. We don’t realize we are doing it until we look back years later with a clear head. But I believe we can do it at the time it is happening if we force ourselves to, DO NOTHING!

  • do not respond
  • do not check FB
  • do not text demanding answers
  • do not beg
  • do not try to figure out why – why does not matter once you know he is a narcissist. I know I did it, I snooped, I tried to make things “add up” but they never do and even when you do figure out that he was cheating like you always suspected; it is fleeting gratification. So you proved you were right all along and should have left years ago, congratulations.

When your heart is breaking being “right” is a small consolation.

What will help you to heal and get back on track with your life is to stop placing your happiness on the actions of someone else and figuring out what will make you feel happy and fulfilled. And don’t you dare say, “All I wanted was for him to be honest and faithful. I just wanted the man I met back” Because that is not an option. That is what YOU wanted, what you fought for for so long and how did that work out for you? THAT is not an option so strike it off your list.

If the next thing on your list is, “Find a man who will love me and appreciate me for who I am.” strike that off your list also because no man is going to “give” you happiness and self worth; not long term.

You need to start listening to your little inner voice, not the one that is screaming you are not worthy; the tiny voice that speaks the truth, the one that tells you that you deserve to be happy, loved and you are enough.

When you live true to yourself you can not help but be happy, when what people think of you doesn’t determine your value you can’t help but feel you are enough.

Some people might think, how can she talk about self worth and inner peace when her life is in a shambles? That is the amazing thing, my life is in a shambles financially and I still have inner peace, I have disagreements with people and I still have inner peace, I sleep alone and my bed is full of love and peace (until the dogs wake up).

I forgot and slid into my old ways for a few months just before Christmas and I needed to step back and reevaluate my goals, adjust my attitude and reassess my expectations and how I need to proceed.

There was a time I had the time to dedicate to this blog to answer everyone who came here, give long in depth replies with links to other posts and sites and it was very rewarding and helped a lot of people. It is not realistic for me to keep dedicating that much time when I need to support myself. Yes, I do get donations and some people are extremely generous, every single donation I get brings tears to my eyes because whether it is $5 or hundreds of dollars, it shows me people care and I am making a difference in people’s lives.

Not only do I need to make money, I am stagnating repeating myself over and over again. I have never been happy in a job that doesn’t challenge me to learn and grow. Repetition is poison for my attitude and self esteem.

The pressure to make money made  me back slide into some unhealthy choices; one of which was to go to Hinton to paint. My mom was the first to say she thought it was a mistake because of my heart; I knew it deep down but my ego wouldn’t allow me to admit I can’t do what I used to plus I was afraid of what other people would think of me if I turned down work when I need money so badly. Well when I got to Hinton it became obviously really quickly that it was a mistake. I took myself aside and had a stiff talking to myself, was risking a heart attack worth $10/hr, (plus I was expected to buy my own food)? Was a friendship? was there anything more important than my health? If I had another stroke and ended up partially paralyzed would anyone praise me for over working myself and would it make me feel ok about being paralyzed? I had to admit I was jeopardizing my whole future for false pride and worrying what other people would think. So I told my friend I could not do the job and I took the bus home that morning at 4 am. I apologized, I felt bad about leaving her stuck but I had made a mistake and it was better to admit my mistake than try to make something work that was not in my best interest. We ALL make mistakes or bad choices, you CAN change your mind!

In my life I have said I am sorry many times just to keep the peace but you know what? keeping the peace does not give you inner peace. In fact it can create a ton of inner conflict and self doubt. Keeping the peace is not always the right thing to do, living true to yourself is the right thing to do.

I am working at the golf course and really enjoying it right now, it is what I do well and it is a bit of a learning curve.

I plan on being here on a more consistent basis and hope to get into some sort of rhythm soon.

I just wanted to say that it doesn’t matter where you are in life, one year after leaving the N, 5 years, 25 years or if you were raised by an N; you always have to stop, reflect and double check you are pursuing the right things and giving value to the right things; things that are in YOUR best interest. If you aren’t, then reset your course.

 

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11 thoughts on “Sleeping Single In A Double Bed

    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Lovereading, keep listening to that inner voice telling you that you are worth so much more than the treatment you got from the N and keep looking forward!!
      Thanks for taking the time to comment
      Hugs

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  1. kim

    carrie it sounds nice to be surrounded by sleeping dogs comforting it is hard to deal with what life throws us i am trying to deal with a lot but there are always people going through worse i try and remember this you have helped me and still are helping me through the worse time of my life thankyou truly of course you cant spend so much time replying there are so many of us but this is an amazing blog even reading makes us feel not so alone anyway i hope things go well for you carrie good luck with everything thankyou for this post xxx

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Kim, good to see you! I love the dogs, aside from Stella who will always be my favorite; I love old Jersey, her dad. He looks so mean but is SUCH a softy and so calm. He will never jump up or lick your face, he sits back and waits for you to notice him and if you don’t he will nudge you with his big head. He manages to worm his way up to my chest in the night and lays his massive head on my chest, he breaths so deep, not a snore but just very deep slow breaths, I find myself matching my breaths to his; it’s like listening to a relaxation tape to go to sleep.
      I am glad you find some comfort here. No matter what I go through I never regret leaving James and truly believe with all my heart that I am so much better off without him.
      I pray 2016 is a year of much improved health for you! Hugs my friend!

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      1. kim

        thankyou carrie this made me smile the image of the lovely dogs wonderful hugs to you and hope you have a great year too xxx

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  2. Nicole

    Your words are such a inspiration! I wasn’t sure if I could be strong enough to get through this break up … You encouraged me with initiating the break up over the weekend and now this post encouraged me to realize maybe my focus is on the wrong things and keeping me stuck…this has caused me to reevaluate my way of thinking and I feel like something is different inside me…I know you don’t know me … But you have influenced my life in ways I couldn’t without this knowledge. Please know your suffering wasn’t in vane…and new doors have been opened for your readers ! Now is your time… It’s coming !!! Keep up the writing your amazing !!! You give me hope . Thank you

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Nicole, thank you for letting me know I am helping you in some way. Do NOT lose hope!! As I just said to Kim, I never ever regret leaving James and I can guarantee you, life is so much better without them. Keep looking forward!
      Hugs

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  3. EchoNoMorr

    Carrie, I am so glad you posted. I have been wondering how you are during the cyber absence. The Hinton story is so apt. If you can not do it, do not do it, or do not finish. There is no shame, and I really know that now, on a deep personal level.
    This has made me reflect on how rigid and stubborn I can be when faced with life and decisions. You said it really well in the past that loving a N can make you feel invincible. For me the time surrounding the N made me feel like I could manifest anything if I wished it so or tried hard enough, there was no obstacle too big to overcome. UNTIL, the N had used me all up and I was so sick mentally and physically that I could not help myself and needed help and support from anyone willing to give it. The act of acknowledging and accepting self limitations is mentally healthy. I can not remember where I read this, but it referred to the fact that some of the Cluster B diagnoses are woefully unaware of their own personal lack of expertise in various arenas. Think about it, we were under the spell of a N and maybe somehow, that characteristic of narcissism wore off on us during the tenure of the relationship. I for one, know now that I am not “magical”, even if it felt that way for so long… Oddly, another trait of the N is that they can not lose. Maybe some of that rubbed off on me, I mean I know I could be willful and stubborn before the N, but during the N, I had the feeling I had to make it right and succeed with my specific pre conceived notion, or else. Well on most fronts I was able to accomplish my goals. But at what cost? Instead of stepping back and effectively caring for my crumbling health, I pressed on with my goals within the N relationship. Callously ignoring my physical issues until I desperately needed triage and acute care, surgeries, etc. There was no room in the relationship with an N to have a daily care plan for maintaining my health and sanity. I would go from work to inpatient in the hospital and then right back to my desk. When I could no longer function like this to serve the needs of the N, my replacement was sought and once the next host was found, I was discarded.
    Sorry for the rambling side track about my “narcalog”, but you are really on to something.
    No shame in admitting a job is too big. Just don’t try to force your way through. Tell the person relying on you that this just will not be possible.
    Accept what IS. Let go of ego and other reasons you should do X when deep down, there are so many reasons one can not do X.
    Do not let your ideas about life be so concrete that you lose sight of other better options while struggling with what will never be..
    Carrie, it is like you are many years into a Buddhist practice. Or maybe your experience with James stripped so much from you that you are better able to look at what is really important, like self love and inner peace. You sure are getting “it” despite what the Universe is doing around you to test this new life you are creating.
    Over the holidays, I saw an interview with Deepak Chopra and his message was not to hold onto anything. Holding on causes pain and suffering. I want to be doing even more of that “not holding on” myself in 2016.
    Wishing you and everyone else here a Happy New Year filled with self love and inner peace.

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  4. Brook Hart

    Carrie, I hope the golf course brings you some peace and happiness. Sometimes the littlest things make a difference. When I was young I made so many bad decisions for a whole lot of bad reasons. Now my age and health seem to create fewer choices but better options. It took this hard headed lady a long time to learn. Each of your posts validates so many of my feelings. Thank you for the inspiration. I THINK A VLOG WOULD BE SUCCESSFUL
    FOR YOU.

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  5. sleeping tiger

    I love how you take a mundane experience like sleeping with dogs and the worry of waking them all up and relate it to a much bigger picture. Awareness and observation at it’s finest. 🙂

    The worry of what other people think STILL holds me back. Your posts continue to be an inspiration to me though.

    Happy New Year Carrie.

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  6. Carrie Reimer Post author

    Sleepingtiger, Thank you! I am so glad you appreciate my writing and it resonates with you. Like I said when I first started the blog, “I have no idea where I am going but you are all invited to come along for the ride.” \Little did I know what 5 years would bring. Thank you for coming along for the ride, it certainly made the journey more bearable.

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