Getting Retribution – Is It Worth It?


Every once in a while I reply to a comment that I think could benefit more than the person I am replying to. I am going to start sharing these replies in posts more often.

For a few months there is a woman who has been coming here who is hurting and very angry; she wants revenge, she is a woman scorned and she is hell bent on making him pay. Most people deal with the discard of a narcissist by rolling in the fetal position in a corner somewhere and hoping they die but there are others who get so fucking angry they can’t think of anything but making the narcissist pay for what he has done to them. The hatred and venom they spew is palatable and scary to the people who witness it. I know when one of James’s ex’s called spewing venom it actually repelled me and turned me against her. People are very uncomfortable with hatred that intense. And the truth is, it is not hatred, it is pain that the victim doesn’t know how to deal with. It doesn’t make them wrong, but it doesn’t make them any stronger than the woman curled in a ball in the corner. Whether you are spewing hatred and venom and trying to destroy him as retribution for him hurting you or whimpering in a corner or trying to figure out why he would hurt you like this, what did you do to deserve his hatred? you are only hurting yourself. Yes there is a period of analyzing the relationship, reliving the whole relationship in search of answers, trying to figure out WHY? but when you find out he is a narcissist and you fully absorb what he is and how damaged he is, then it is time to stop focusing on him and concentrate on YOU an your healing, time to concentrate on getting well again, learning how to be healthy again (or for the first time). In order to heal you HAVE to stop making him your focus and nurture your soul.

This is the one of the comments made by the woman, and please not she chooses to use her full real name when she posts and I am deleting her name from this post for her own safety and privacy. This is just one small comment made by her, but I think it shows why I responded the way I did. The whole conversation can be found in this post going back a few months

For me Julie … the same stuff with convincing the family how crazy I was/am. They all believe it too! I have therefore played that belief to my own advantage by leaving messages on his VM of how I am coming after him, my weapon of choice, how he best be watching his back because one day I will be there, how it will go down in a murder suicide fashion, how the family members will not be excluded … so yeah .. let them live in fear and maybe just maybe, Mr Cant do no wrong will be seen for the trouble making fool that met someone that was not only not afraid of him but just crazy enough to hurt them too !

plot revenge

My latest reply to her:

You don’t have to justify your actions to me; we are on the same team. When I say it could bite you in the ass, I say it from experience. I learned the hard way that there is no end to the depth these assholes will go to exact revenge or make you look like the psycho, ruin any chance you have of ever having a life after them. You will not always feel this way, the bitterness will leave you if you let it and I would hate to see you paying the price for it years down the road.

The way you talk it is as if you feel somehow you went through worse abuse, suffered more severe deception and gave up so much more than most of the other victims here. Believe me, 90% of victims of a narcissist have lost way more than you and invested as much and lost as much as you, were deceived as much as you.
But we don’t go around announcing to the world that we are going to kill the narc and his whole family. We do not announce to the world that we will simply plead temporary insanity, because THAT would prove premeditated murder.

I have been where you are, thinking I had “given him what he deserved” taught him that he couldn’t mess with me, that I was not the push over he thought I was; and I have paid the price for that for the last 4 years.
I too had realms of evidence of his infidelity, I had read his journals going back 6 years, I too could put all the puzzle pieces together and prove he was seeing 6 women and telling each one that they were the love of his life. He destroyed my business by sabotaging my truck, he tried to kill me by sabotaging my truck, he stole or destroyed everything of value I had. He attempted to destroy my reputation and I felt really cocky about the fact that I led such an exemplary life no one would believe his lies. I was right to a point, no one did believe his lies at first but as time went on I found myself working for someone who didn’t know me, who didn’t know how moral and upright I was and who was susceptible to my ex’s exceptional ability to play the victim. I never imagined having several heart attacks and ending up on welfare and him sabotaging me to the point of being cut off welfare. I never imagined he could be THAT cruel.

What did I do to him that was so bad? I simply refused to lay down and be a doormat any more. I don’t know how I could have done it any other way.
In a nutshell this is the story.

I was able to get cheap car insurance because I was accident free so we always insured the vehicles in my name. When we got back together in 2009 he was an owner/operator out of Alberta and had an Alberta drivers license. When you move to another province you have 30 days to change your driver’s license to the new province. When he moved to BC, unbeknownst to me he never changed his driver’s license to BC and continued to drive on his Alberta DL. I assumed he had gotten his BC license because he was working for a company in BC, living in BC and I assumed the company would have insisted he have a BC DL. It is illegal to drive on a license from another province after 30 days. He was a heavy duty mechanic and driving the semi’s for a BC company on his Alta license for over a year.
He had a buddy in Alberta who he was going to start a business with and was talking about us moving to Alberta for months before we split, then we split in late Nov 2010. He kept saying he was moving to Alberta in the spring. When we split I signed a transfer form putting the car into his name so he could insure it himself (why should I continue to insure his car if we were split) It was when the insurance needed to be renewed in December that I found out he didn’t have a BC DL. BUT again he took me for dinner, told me he loved me yada yada yada and he was moving to Alberta in a few months and asked me nicely to keep the car insured in my name until he left because he was getting a new truck when he got to Alberta and leaving me the car anyway. It made sense to me.

In January he told me he had to fly to Alberta to renew his driver’s license because it had expired in Sept on his birthday. He had been driving for 3 1/2 months without any license! I drove him to the airport and told myself that he was moving there in a couple of months so really what was the harm? and again he said I would be getting the car when he left.

Feb rolls around and the insurance needs to be renewed again and he is still in BC, he asks me to insure it one more time for 3 months, for sure he will be gone before that and I would be getting the car when he left. So I did.

He took me for dinner, told me he loved me etc and against my better judgement I had “hope” again, that is until the police called to ask me if I knew where my car was. They told me where it was parked and that they had seen it there many nights (I believe the husband of the married woman he was screwing found out about the affair and thought if I knew it would put an end to it and had someone call me saying they were the cops). I caught him at the woman’s house, he did break it off with her that day and that night he moved in with a different woman, the love of his life and took great pleasure in rubbing my nose in his happiness. She was wonderful, he didn’t have to lie to her, she was calm and rational, nothing like me; she was the love of his life and I should kill myself because no man would ever want a psycho, demanding, ungrateful bitch like me anyway. I had made his life hell for 10 years.

Well, I was indignant, he could just get his new woman to insure his car if I was such a bitch, why should I take the chance of him having an accident and it ruining MY good standing. He refused and laughed at me. He kept losing the transfer forms I kept signing. I threatened to report it stolen and he laughed at me. I tried to cancel the insurance on the car and couldn’t without the license plates. I tried to report it stolen and was told by the cops “possession is 9/10th of the law” and if I went and got the car I would be charged with theft. Then the insurance ran out and he was driving it without insurance, refusing to take it out of my name and still did not have a legal driver’s license in BC. He was obviously never moving to Alberta and if he had an accident in that car while it was in my name I would be liable, he had the power to destroy me. It went on for 6 months, my hands were tied and he was just laughing.

Well, I was not as stupid as he thought I was. I had taken photocopies of his Alberta DL and his BC DL months before we split, just in case and tucked it away.
I wrote a long letter to the insurance company of BC and one to the Alberta Driver’s services explaining that he was and had been living in BC for over 2 years and driving commercially in BC on an Alberta license (VERY illegal) I was able to provide the photo copies and I told them that I wanted my name off that car, that they were enabling him to continue to control and abuse me and it was totally unfair. If something was not done immediately I would begin legal proceeding against him and ICBC.

Take that James! I tried to be fair, I tried to be reasonable and he forced me to take drastic steps, I felt totally justified and I admit quite smug. I was not the push over he thought I was!!

Within a week Alberta had pulled his DL, he had to pay $20,000 in fines before he could get his BC driver’s license and he lost his job because he didn’t have a driver’s license. Not my problem, right? he is the one who broke the law, I gave him plenty of chances to do the right thing. No one told him it was me who ratted him out, he was told it was an anonymous tip, but he figured it was me.
Wouldn’t you know, his new sweetie paid his fines for him; some how I was the unreasonable vindictive bitch in the whole thing.

I thought it was over.

How naive I was!!

He has made it his mission in life to destroy every job I get, has made anonymous complaints against me to bosses, landlords, the people who held my mortgage. For almost 5 years he has done everything within his power to destroy any hope of me ever having a job or a place to live. Filed anonymous complaints with welfare so I can not even get that. He will not be happy until I am living under a bridge. He has put tracking devices on my vehicles, I have had a drone outside my window, tapped my phone, hacked my email, and the stress of it all brought on my heart condition.

I am SO over him, my broken heart is healed, I truly do not give a shit what he is doing, who he is doing, or what he did to me. I just want to get on with my life, but I live in constant fear of what he will do next. And he is smart, there is no way I can prove what he is doing, it is his word against mine and he has told everyone what a psycho vindictive bitch I am.

That is why I am advising you to stop advertising that you are going to “make him pay” and focus on getting well yourself. You will not win with a psychopath/narcissist and why would you want to? NO you can not just let him break the law, and you have to protect your best interest but you do not have to go for blood. You do not have to prove yourself to be a psycho bitch out to make him pay. He is loving the attention, you keep showing him how much he hurt you, how he had the power to get to you. If you truly want to make him “pay” the best way to do that is to take control of YOUR life and flourish! Succeed without him, without giving one shit who he is with or what he is doing. You are strong, amazing, and very able to be happy, successful and respected in the business world without his sorry ass. THAT is all you have to prove, let him hang himself, he will, without any help from you. In fact he is much more likely to show his true colors if he thinks you aren’t looking. As long as you are trying to “out him” he has to keep acting like the nice guy and playing the victim. You are enabling him to continue with his lies and false image.

I know you want revenge but believe me, it offers only a fleeting feeling of self satisfaction and redemption and then the hatred and heart ache creeps back in. There are people who cling to their pain like a life preserver, they want to stay a victim, a long as they are the victim they are still part of the narcissist’s life. The pain becomes who they are and they don’t know how to act or who they are without the pain. One of James’s ex’s went to her grave a sad, angry, bitter lonely victim hell bent on destroying every relationship he ever had. She called me and I had never heard anyone so full of hatred and vindictiveness. Even though we were split at the time and everything she said I knew to be true; I felt sorry for him. I thought if that was what he had to deal with it was no wonder he was the way he was. She actually pushed me into his arms and proved what he had always told me about her; that she was a vindictive drunk who made his life hell.

revnenge success

I am not against you, I am trying to help you. The bitterness will destroy you, not him; you will destroy yourself.

17 thoughts on “Getting Retribution – Is It Worth It?

  1. aquariusgemstone

    Great advice Carrie and so appropriate for the New Year! It is really hard in the beginning not to have thoughts of retaliation and vengeful fantasies. Even now, two years out I sometimes hope for his ruination….but given time he will do that himself and I will never even know because I totally have blocked any avenue for his contact and I made a promise to myself to do nothing that will harm me anymore in regards to him.
    There is a saying that living well is the best revenge…hell….just living after this abuse is the best revenge in my opinion. He hasn’t destroyed us, he doesn’t have that power to do that anymore. We have taken back our love and empathy and removed ourselves from the toxic maelstrom of his life. Take back your power, take control of your emotions, do not let him further harm you and use the former love you had for him, against yourself.
    Happy New You and New Year everyone!



    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Roberta, great words of wisdom. You are so right. My son, justifiably would love to do serious harm to James (enough said) and he would deserve anything he got BUT who’s life would it ruin? James is not worth my son ruining his life over. I have wasted enough good years on James, he has taken enough away from me. The only thing he didn’t manage to take from me is my son and I told my son to not waste his precious energy, not one second, on that scum of the earth. To keep him in my life, even as an enemy I want to make “pay” keeps that heavy black cloud of evil in my life. That cloud is toxic, it will suck the life out of a person, block the sunlight and all the goodness there is in the world away.
      I haven’t checked for a long time but on the odd occasion when I checked who had visited my blog, just knowing he had been in the blog would make me anxious, like somehow his evil could travel the internet and taint my life again.
      These people are so evil and toxic that they would love nothing more than pulling a good person down to their level.
      To get revenge is not proving you are stronger, smarter, or better than the narcissist; it means he has succeeded in pulling you down to his level and who wants to be nastier than a narc?
      No thanks, I will rise above and let my lightness shine, I will continue to live my life true to MY values and standards and let him wallow in his own quagmire.


  2. michelle

    A wise DR. once told me when you lay down with dogs you get up with fleas. My  narc situation parallels this email in many ways. The advise you’re giving is right on if you the victim wants to heal, live and breathe again. Once I put all my focus into me spiritually, physically, emotionally, step by step I am sooo happy, healthy and could give a flying fuck what or who he does. He’s just someone that I used to know now. My friends and family tell me how great I look and it feels wonderful feeling great again. My heart is beating normally again with new romance and life. Hang in there, and don’t lay down with the dog, you won’t regret it.


  3. Mary

    This is a great response, I had no retribution for my ex, and its been over 2 years now and he is still smearing me. I tolerate it and in the meantime am enjoying my life AND SUCCESSES. He on the other hand is still homeless and living off other women. He sends out his feelers and all I say to them is I do not discuss my EX or relationship with him. They have nothing they can report to him. I will not be drawn into the drama. Hard as it is to hear that we were the crazy ones. I show poise, self confidence and self respect, and yes I do have my private times to myself and with myself of the pain he is still inflicting. The best response is No response!!


  4. Kathy

    Great post Carrie!
    If you’re angry and want revenge I think you’re still letting him control you and take away your happiness. Also i think anger and revenge shows that you still care, and if you still care you can’t move on. The best thing to do is trying to let it go gently, bit by bit and focusing on yourself and your own happiness,it’s doable .
    It takes time, that’s all…
    I’m 6 months on and I nearly got sucked back into the relationship a month ago but thank god this time I saw through him. I really could see what a cruel, cold hearted selfish person he was and sent him packing.
    The peace and contentment I’m feeling now is amazing so you will get there too, in time.


  5. Susan

    Couldn’t agree more Carrie! I’d like to add something to this, as I did act out of revenge at the beginning of NC (nothing criminal to be clear).

    For the one that replied:
    If you’re a loving and caring human being what revenge is doing is killing your spirit more than it has already been killed by a P/N. If it’s not your human nature to hurt people you will wake up one day and you won’t recognize that hateful vengeful person that you’ve become, trust me I know. You will feel guilt, shame and you will loose yourself if you continue that path of destruction. Only this time it won’t be him that’s doing the destroying, but you. As revenge is self destruction. When you’re filled with hate, anger and swearing revenge you ARE destroying yourself bit by bit.
    Also, revenge solves nothing. The hurt you’ve been through won’t vanish, acting out of revenge only adds to that hurt. It is not a game. There are no winners. They aren’t winning either, as their whole life has been one waste of skin from the get go. They are and always will be empty. Their core has been, and will always be, filled with negativity.
    You however have a chance to get the real you back. The one who’s hurt enough and needs to stop prolonging the destruction. I’m not saying you need to forgive the abuser, hell no. I never have and I never will either as forgiveness is a gift and the abuser doesn’t deserve it. And yes life will go on without forgiveness, but by engaging in vengefulness you will be stuck in that darkness. You were not meant for darkness. Really take a look in the mirror, and see that you are working on self destruction. Look in that mirror and name every single aspect of yourself that’s beautiful. Name (non P-related) what you want for yourself in the future. If you’ll continue that dark path those are the aspects you’ll be destroying now, and that future will not be what you wished for. You have the power to choose differently. To choose a better path for yourself. You deserve that better path.


  6. Kimberly

    I am one year and 4 months out and I still catch myself doubting myself and wondering if I was really the crazy one, could I have done something different, is he right about me… even though I know its wrong, the N believes SO strongly in their own lies, they are so convinced of their illusion that its hard not to fall for it….. its the most disorienting and distorting thing to be with these people…. I am still confused… I just always decide that since I am the one wondering about it that I am likely NOT the crazy one…. he cannot ever wonder or question himself…..


    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Kimberley, I took the liberty of deleting your last names for your own safety in case someone googled your name.
      As for your comment about them believing their own lies; I believe differently. Through my experience I used to think James actually believed the shit he spewed but then when he wanted me back he would admit to everything and be so contrite. I realized after time that he knew exactly what he was doing, he was fully aware he was lying, he did it on purpose, to make me doubt myself. They are pathological liars, they lie for the sake of lying and because they don’t have a conscience they do not have the same tell tale signs of someone lying which makes it appear they believe their own lies.
      They don’t even really care if you believe the lies or not as long as you don’t challenge the lies. In their mind lying is as good as the truth as long as the truth doesn’t get out. For them their whole life is a lie and as long as they can put on the appearance of being faithful it is as good as being faithful, as long as they can appear hard working it’s as good as being a hard worker, as long as they live the life style of someone rich it is as good as being rich. Don’t try to make them face reality, that is when they will lose it; as long as you go along with the false front they put up they won’t get too violent, attempt to expose them for the fraud they are and they will go to any length to shut you up.
      Thanks for your input and congrats on almost 1 1/2 yrs away. I found that at the 2 year mark I felt almost “normal” again and that I ha actually survived and there was life after a narcissist.
      Hang in there and don’t listen to those voices trying to make you doubt yourself. Confusion is one of the main tools they use to keep the victim trapped. I still will have fleeting (very fleeting) thoughts of self doubt, I think that is just normal in a healthy person’s mind, that is what makes us decent human beings. No normal person is without some self doubt at some times; what is important is that we are able to step back and analyze the situation and know the truth. We DO make mistakes and we realize we are not perfect, no one is; and that is why we keep giving second chances to the N’s in the world. We also can not possibly relate to someone who does not have a conscience so we assign them emotions we would have, that they are not having, are incapable of having.
      You are on the right path, do not look back unless it is to remind yourself and congratulate yourself of the hell you managed to escape.


  7. Leigh

    Carrie please remove all my comments from this blog. It was a mistake for me to post here. I have nothing to say to anyone here. Peace be with you all .. thank you for deleting my name


  8. Cee Lynne

    But what do you do when he won’t let you go and forces you to stay? After 30 yrs, I found out my marriage was a sham. He was a sex addict who cheated on me for years leading this dirty double life. I had a part time job but no career. He made all the money. I was thrown into deep shock and trauma. By the time I learned it was all lie upon lie.and he had no intention to change, he turned his attacks on me for finding out. He closed our joint accounts. Wouldn’t pay the cards in my name, opened his own account and put his pay in it and hid assets. He ruined my credit. He filed divorce and called it off after I ran up legal bills. My health failed. He made promises. He broke them.I have no money to file. He let our home fall into disrepair. I could get alimony after 34 yrs of marriage but he’s vowed not to pay a dime. I live in my bedroom. I can’t find a better paying job. I’m so trapped and I just can’t get over my feelings of hating him for destroying my life and his delight in my continued suffering. He’s a monster. I’m 54 yrs old. I have $50 to live on for the next week. He has $2000. I don’t want to be his flippin victim, I want a decent life away from here. I won’t even look at his image if I can get out of this hell.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. leighjane

    For me, I know now that I needed him to acknowledge me. No contact didn’t work for me because it ate away inside of me. It was no different to all the times when we would try to discuss things and he would stand there with that body language going on, and the Yes Ma’am, No Ma’am, may I go now Ma’am? And he would infuriate me and turn his back and walk away from me, dismissing me and my concerns, ignoring me while he went to the shop and threw things around and broke things. No contact was not closure, it was more dismissal. So I fought him tooth and nail and in the end I did a lot of damage to both of us. Nobody won as you predicted but after what was the longest and darkest 5 months of my life, I finally got his attention, his rage and the truth, and with it I got released. It is done, my life is slowly recovering and NOW .. no contact works just fine!


  10. leighjane

    I am the person Carrie wrote about in this story. It will be 1 year in just a few weeks and I will tell you it has been a roller coaster for me and in the end I lost just about every friend I had but I did have my revenge on both of them. She was a school teacher and I went after her and her friends and associates, exposing her for the homewrecker she was and has since proven to be since she no longer wants him either but is still friends with him. We went through threats and protection orders against me, calls to me from the Police and the FBI, and after all that I still kept after him till one day he broke his no contact rule and called Uncle. You see it wasn’t just my life he threw in the garbage at 65 years old, I was also a business partner along with another partner who has since had a heart attack and stroke brought on by the stress of the past year. The 3 of us owned that business that he destroyed, not to mention that he also destroyed the jobs that our employees depended on. When he left that day he walked out scott free having signed for nothing, with company cash and left us with 650 thousand dollars of debt that he helped accumulate. This was not just a simple case of 2 people that didn’t get along.

    Today, I have fully recovered. I am in the process of moving on to a new life in a new State, ready and hopeful for a new start. My partner and I managed to keep the business and he never got the girl. He squandered the money and is working a regular job for low pay with long hours. He is behind on his bills, lives in a tiny apartment with blankets for curtains, is alone and likes it that way for the time being. He just turned 60, suffers from diabetes and ED, and will no doubt go the way his abusive father did, old mean and grumpy with a mouse wife companion that watched over him as he wrapped himself in the Lord. I feel sorry for him, I still love him, I have tried unsuccessfully to reconcile with him but the truth is that he has not changed, he is still a narcissist, non-violent but mentally abusive, he refuses to see himself as anything less than perfect and me … well I am still to blame for everything.

    I have forgiven him, I have even offered to help him with his bills which he refused. In the end it was not worth the effort to go after him since he is a loser and will always be so. I didn’t need to destroy him, he was more than capable of doing that to himself. Peace!


    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      LeighJane, I am happy to hear you are on the road to recovery and finding a new life without him. It has been one year, the hardest year, you will be amazed at how another year will bring you much more healing and an even clearer view of what you went through and who he is, but most importantly who you are and how you deserve so much better than someone like him in your life.
      Congrats on getting to the other side, wishing you much peace and healing.



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