Put The Bullshit Aside – This Is All That Matters

As promised I am posting another comment made by a visitor of the blog. I read it, walked away, cried, my heart broke, I took a moment of silent reflection; I hope she felt the hug I was sending her through the miles. I find it hard to imagine she didn’t feel it because I could feel it almost like she was in my arms.
I thought I had composed myself enough to reply without tears but the minute I put my fingers down to type the tears were streaming down my face. This woman has lived my greatest nightmare, I can not possibly know what she has lived through, just trying to imagine brings me to my knees. 
But as with all tragedy, there are lessons to be learned and she has a very important lesson to share, one I felt deserving of it’s own post.
You see, this will be the one thousands post, there have been over 22,000 comments made on the blog; about every subject possible to do with narcissists. We rant, rave, do our own arm chair analysis of the relationship, we try to figure out why he did what he did, who he did it with, we discuss all we lost, how we don’t know how we will carry on, start over, ever find love again………. and we beat the subject into the ground for months, sometimes years, before we pull ourselves up and take control of our happiness once again. Hopefully!! Some of us will go back a couple more times, believe his lies until we believe our lies, putting value on worthless things and devaluing the only things worth anything at all, things that are priceless and irreplaceable. 
I hope you will read her comment, take a few minutes to absorb it and understand it and then read it a couple more times. It is THAT important. It is a message I have tried to convey but this message is coming from someone who has lived it and therefore is an authority on the subject of “What is really important in life”. 
When you have everything taken away you are left trying to figure out who you are. For years you have been someone’s daughter, wife, mother, you are identified by the car you drive, the neighborhood and house you live in, who your friends are, your profession, the size of your bank account. Some people go their whole life defining themselves by material things and what other people think of them, determining their worth in the world but all these meaningless worthless things. 
Without all these things who are you? That is when you have to be totally honest, face the true demons, the ones inside you, you have to just be you. You are all you have, if you let yourself down you have no one to blame. 
Here is Liz’s comment, she says it better than I.
Liz Catherine
January 8, 2016 at 12:41 pm

I want to bring a new perspective to these discussions with the hope of moving forward. I have posted here before and so I receive the latest comments which have recently saddened me.

My son was killed in an accident 3 years ago, and what I live with is that I allowed my partner to try to steal from our time and happiness together for 5 years before he died, aged 20. I allowed my ex to have greater needs to the sitting room than we did, to the extent that we stayed in the kitchen at all times. I allowed my ex, through controlling and manipulative tactics, to make me feel guilty for us being there or laughing with my boys and disturbing his peace (even though my sons and I were far quieter and more polite out of fear, than is healthy). I allowed that, no matter what the reason.. fear of confrontation, abandonment, approval or love.

The last time my son, Tom, spent the day with me at our house, there was a miracle.. my ex was out. We laughed, sang and played games free from the cold stare and judgement of being our happy selves. Tom wanted to play my ex’s accoustic guitar for us to sing to. Although he was a very talented guitarist, I knew I had to phone to ask my ex for permission. The answer was a straight, cold ‘No’ and no reason given. We smiled at each other compassionately, drove to fetch Tom’s own guitar, and had a magical afternoon of singing and playing our favourite songs. It is a memory I cherish, like all of the memories of him being with me in this life, and that day was only 4 days away from never being able to see him again. Nobody will ever steal the joy I shared with my son, and what is absolutely certain, is that noone could ever take a moment’s happiness from his life.. Tom was joy and love and thankfulness personified.

We can all be selfish and put our own needs for love/approval/money or anything else before what is really and truly important in this life. If you’ve lost a world of assets at the hand of a narcissist, but have your loved ones and your own soul in tact, then you haven’t lost at all. You’ve learnt a lesson. I learnt a lesson too.. that only Love gives us the ability to be honest about ourselves, to be grateful for what we have and have had, and to let go of the need to feel wounded. The loss of a child shows you that there is NO loss you can possibly suffer that comes close to their loss of their future. The only thing you can do in the face of it, is to go forth and live out your own future with integrity and love for others, in their place. If you can learn this lesson of letting go of everything but Love, without having to lose what is actually most precious of all to you, then you will have understood.

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10 Replies to “Put The Bullshit Aside – This Is All That Matters”

  1. Amen to all she has said! I am so sorry for her loss. I left my narcissist after fifty years. I moved out of the bedroom after the last straw event, and moved out of the house almost two years ago. The divorce was final last November. But I do have my loved ones and my own soul intact, and I no longer need to feel wounded. I am most blessed.

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  2. carrie yesterday i couldnt reply just couldnt find the words i pray for this woman it is the worst thing imaginable it really brings home what is truly important and how thankful i feel to have loving family that are there and dont judge no matter how bad things get thankyou for this post i feel so appreciative of what i have especially after reading this you are right the other stuff is just not worth obcessing about xxx

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    1. Kim, we all have to keep reminding ourselves of all the things we have to be thankful for. It is easy to get caught up in the day to day stresses and forget; we forget about all the other people who are going through their own shit. Every once in a while we have to step back and remind ourselves of what is truly important.
      Hugs

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  3. I received this comment from Liz this morning, I felt it important to share. For those of you who want to read the post where it generated this is the link here.

    Dear Carrie, Thank you so much for your caring reply. I really identified with how you had to juggle keeping both your son, Kris, and your ex happy. Many times we achieved a greater sense of being at home while out in the car than we did around my partner in the house. And when I read ‘I love you momma’, it went straight to my heart as that is what Tom, even as a grown young man, would say to me often. We are English and therefore ‘momma’ was a playful term not normally used here. I’m so glad that you can now enjoy being your happy selves together. I know other mothers can imagine the worst, we all live with the nightmare at the back of our heads even when everything is fine, but it pushes us to live out what is important, as you are now able to do.
    I share your belief that I will see Tom again and that our connection is still strong. He has given me many signs since that Life goes on somewhere, and there were many things before he died that we both experienced that bring hope now. You often hear from people who have suffered a lot that they could ‘write a book about it all’. I could and may write a book about all the things that have given us Hope, which could be a great help to other grieving people.
    I would like to share with you Carrie, one thing that happened, without I hope diverging from your topic too much. I put off collecting Tom’s ashes from the funeral parlour for a year, because I didn’t want to think of him like that, but I kept thinking that I wanted to bring Tom ‘home’. One morning I woke up just knowing that I could do it and having peace about it. Before leaving I responded to a message from one of Tom’s friends, which would be the first part in the synchronicity that followed. She was studying Animation, like Tom, and had sent me her final animation video which closed with Tom’s signature as a dedication. She told me that Tom had given her his signature so that she could sign him into Uni whenever he overslept!! I replied to her message.. “How funny! What a naughty boy.” That was a joke and not something I have called Tom before. I left and after putting the container with Tom’s ashes into my car, I sat outside the funeral parlour in tears. After a while I decided I would drive with the radio on to see if there was a song ‘from’ Tom, as there has been before. The song playing was coming to an end, and the presenter simply said “Naughty Boy, Home”. I switched channel and it was Hotel California, which we always called Tom’s signature tune (as he famously played the whole thing out of tune at a concert!). When I got home at the end of that song, I looked up Naughty Boy’s Home on youtube.. here’s the link with the words.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kV-KFoZAJYE. Please do watch if you can.
    It transformed my tears into tears of hope, and I knew Tom had sent me that song as a big hug.
    Our connection does live on, and Home is important, not houses. I hope you don’t mind me putting this on your blog.. please feel free not to post it if you prefer, as really I’m mainly sending it as a personal reply to you.
    Hugging you back for all that you have gone through, and sending love for your bright new future with all your loved ones,
    Liz

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    1. Dear Liz,

      I am so sorry about your loss! That song and your words brought me to tears as well. The connection you had, and will always have, with your son sounds beautiful. I am so sorry your ex tried to steal your (you and your son) joy, but so glad to read that he never succeeded at it. Your story proofs that love will always beat hate. That light shines through darkness. As proud as you are of your son, I am sure that he’s just as proud of you. He’ll always be your light, and no one will be able to ever take that away from you. Sending you a big hug, lots of love and wishing you a bright and beautiful future as well. As you’ve said ‘Home is important, not houses’. Your son is at home, in your heart.

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      1. Dear Susan,
        Thank you so much for your caring words that really resonate with me. Tom did have a bright light within, in his life and that comes through still now. Love does beat hate.. it’s just so joyful and light to live with love. Thank you again, Liz

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  4. Thank you. I needed that. It is all ok, as.long as.my.girls are. Tomorrow I put my.priorities in order. I am heartbreaking for you dear one, who has suffered so, and.lost.your beloved son at 20. May God.bless you, and hold you close. Thank you for sharing and helping us to SEE.

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  5. Thank you Marsha, and it was good to read that sharing about Tom helps us to SEE.. I agree, there’s a different kind of seeing and getting it, which is often hard when we get consumed by all our worries.. we constantly need to remind ourselves to see what’s important, don’t we?
    Liz

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    1. Thankyou. I needed to read all this. I just posted on this support forum tonight after a long time. Im struggling and feeling sorry for myself. This really helped put things in perspective. My troubles wont go away but i must keep trying to see the bigger picture and whats really important. I have a son who is 20 this year and so your story really resonated with me about how i would feel at his loss compared to my consuming addiction to my ex. Its put my thoughts on to a different track of how …this is surely something i have control over and can change/do something about. There must be a way i can find the strength. Whereas a tragic untimely loss of your son is a horror that we have no control over and so i feel so grateful that this has not happened to me…and may it never. And im so truly sorry that this has happened to you. Thankyou so much for posting to help others like myself. Hugs. xxx

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