My Biggest Mistake

My biggest mistake throughout the last 15+ years has been over estimating my ability to over come adversity.  But I always had money or at least credit, I failed to realize the although money does not buy happiness it does buy you options.

Money gives you the option to take a chance and if it doesn’t work out you can always change your mind and it does give you some insulation from the assholes of the world. They don’t even have to be assholes, there are people in the world who really don’t understand the harm they do when they gossip, back stab or make you the scapegoat to further their cause. It is these people who assist the narcissist in his campaign to destroy his victim.

Years ago when I owed my house at Cultus Lake my mom owned the little house next door and rented it out. I became friends with the woman next door and we even exchanged house keys for those times that one of us was away so the other could check on the house, water plants; you know. Well, she started coming in and out of my house to borrow things while I was at work and then she got upset because I didn’t force my son to play with her son who was several years younger than my son. Kris did play with her son but I didn’t see why my son should have to play with he son every single time he went outside. It got ridiculous, to the point where she would not talk to me and then she called my mom to complain about it. What the hell was she thinking? I owed my house and she was renting from my mother? needless to say they had to move.

Another time, I naively bought a new townhouse. I had a big black Border Collie, who was trained to shit in our own yard and I always picked up after her; but because she was bigger than any other dog in the complex she was the most noticeable and got blamed for every turd in the place. I went to leave for work one morning and almost stepped in a big pile of turds on my front door mat. Someone had taken the time, in the middle of the night to collect all the turds in the complex and deposit them on my doorstep. Everyday the stay at home mother’s would say good bye to their husbands and then congregate in the center of the complex and talk about everyone else. I was on their hit list because of my dog and because I had the nerve to lay patio bricks in my back yard without approval and planted flowers. I tried to ignore them but the shit on my step was too much and I moved. I rented out my townhouse and bought a bigger house in town. I had enough equity and money in savings, plus a stellar credit rating so was able to do it.

I made some wise decisions and some not so wise decisions but I was always able to save my own butt because I had money, credit, or the ability to make more money.

I think many women who get involved with a narcissist are much like I was, independent and able to rescue themselves if they make a bad decision. I had a false sense of confidence in my ability to recoup and so unwittingly walked right into the narcissist’s web. I always thought I could afford to give a bit more and when I had invested everything I had materially and financially I thought, “What have I got to lose by trying again?”

When my trailer was sold and I had no where to go and James came back promising all the things I had longed to hear for years I thought, “What have I got to lose? I have a successful business, if he falls back into his old ways I will just leave.” I under estimated his determination to destroy me.

I suspected he was lying, I had a sense of impending doom in my gut but I thought it was because he was going to break my heart NOT that he had come back to destroy my life and my ability to support myself.

Never in a million years did I think he came back with the soul purpose of bleeding me dry and destroying my business and my reputation. He kept saying “you always do better without me.” I knew it bothered him because it was true, I didn’t know he would work behind the scenes making sure I couldn’t survive without him, by the time I realized the truth; it was far too late.

Even after he got his new target he worked on destroying any hope of help that I could access including anonymous complaints to landlords, bosses, and welfare. My family helped me until they can no longer.

Those of you who are on my FaceBook know that I had my medical records transferred here and I recently went to the doctor to discuss my file and found out some things I had never been told before by any doctors. I have a blockage of a main artery that needs surgery and I will need a pace maker. I am being sent for more tests in a couple of weeks. A spot on my lung is another concern that he is checking out. I found this out this Monday.

I have been really sick with a flu for two weeks but the day before I got sick I found out I have to move by the 1st of Feb. Then m son got a job in Fort St John, and he is moving this weekend. He is taking his dog and will not be back in Clearwater, he is gone. It is a job he can’t turn down and I understand that, it is a wonderful job that could set him up for life but none the less, I am now stuck in a town away from everyone I love and know without a dime.

He needs all his money to fly his dog out with him and to live on until his first pay. The guy who signed the lease on the house wants me gone by the 1st and I am stuck. I am homeless as of Monday and I have no idea where to go or what to do.

Lack of money has taken away all my options. I do’t want to lose Stella but have no way of feeding her or putting a roof over my head let alone with a big dog with me.

Everyone here has kept me going for years now. Without the moral and financial support of you all I would have not survived this long. I am asking one last time, if anyone can help in anyway I am desperate. I hate to ask, I am struggling so hard to stay positive but everything looks very bleak right now. I am scared, really scared.

I started this blog in hopes that sharing my experiences would help others. Learn from my mistakes, you have more to lose, always. Don’t ever under estimate the depths of evil a narcissist will go to destroy you.

Another life lesson I have learned is gossip can be deadly, I never liked gossip, never partook in gossip but I always thought living my life honestly and openly would protect me from idle gossip but when you don’t have options, gossip can ruin a life.

I keep remembering something James said to me, “You always make me sound like an asshole.” I had replied, “If telling the truth makes you sound like an asshole, then maybe you should stop acting like an asshole.”

 

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13 thoughts on “My Biggest Mistake

  1. This makes me so sad. I’m so sad for you right now. I don’t even know what to say, I just wanted to acknowledge that I read this and send you a big fat hug. I have no money right now or I would definitely donate.

    If Stella doesn’t eat cats, (lol) I can probably get the Ok from my roomy for you to stay here. I would love to have a big dog around here. We need to move ourselves in April though and I’m in the US so no doubt your medical care won’t transfer. Plus I’m on the opposite side of it from where you are I believe. If you showed up on our doorstep however, you’d be most welcome.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. So sorry to hear about everything you are going through! I agree, never underestimate the evil of a narcissist! I am a single woman supporting myself, so unfortunately I do not have any money left when living costs are paid, if I was rich or well off, I would definitely donate cause of your heartbreaking situation. I wish you hope and strength. 💐

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Carrie, I am so worried about you and the additional stress this is putting on your body.
    Around here there are people who register with the domestic abuse agencies who are willing to take someone at risk into their home.
    If you were to seek help from a domestic abuse shelter, your situation would not be a stretch. You are where you are now because a narcissist is trying to destroy you.
    I found this agency close to you
    http://www.yellowheadcs.ca/programs-and-services/womens-services/safe-home-response-service
    Have you reached out to them or your local churches yet?

    Oh, if you can get your surgery booked, they should send you to a rehab facility after and they the social workers will have to help you find shelter before they discharge you…

    You are in my thoughts Carrie. You deserve so much better than the way things have been. I am sorry.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Echonomore, lol sorry, I had to laugh when I saw the link you posted because as soon as I hit town I contacted them to see about volunteering with them in some capacity. There was a young woman in town here murdered last year in front of her 3 kids by her abusive ex so they started this “safe House” program. It is for women who need to get out of the house immediately do to their abusive partner. It is temporary shelter in a hotel or someone’s home for a night or two. One woman mans the phone, they do not have a shelter or anything of that kind. Thanks so much for checking into it for me but this area really has nothing. It is such a small town our garbage collector is a guy with a pickup truck, the snow plow is a guy with a plow on his truck, the dog catcher is a guy who likes animals and has a farm where he takes any strays he finds. We have no government run programs whatsoever.
      I really do appreciate your concern. Hugs

      Liked by 1 person

  4. carrie i know the feeling of being so insecure and health problems im so sorry my daughter is going to australia in nov to work for a year because we have no money i am worried for her and am scared what if she needs me or im worried cant look after myself can hardly move but being on our own is hard i would keep on to the welfare you really should be getting something its not right they would see you homeless and ill youre doctor should also be putting your case forward i wish i could donate but have nothing cant survive on my own completely either my parents help and i know he will stop paying the bills one day i feel so much for you carrie but you know we are all here for you can you stay with youre mum maybe for a while or a friend i hope everything goes ok with your health please let us know sending you love and hugs i will pray for you too xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. just an after thought carrie are you sure your landlord can only give you 2 weeks notice to move this is unreasonable i would question your rights as a tenant in england they have to give a few months notice at least it might be different where you are i wish you so much luck xxx

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  5. Sorry to hear this Carrie. I know how hopeless the future can look. Sometimes it’s best just to look ahead one day at a time.
    I do fostering for a rescue and some of the dogs I look after (for free) are temporary fosters while their owners are struggling with money/accommodation (usually after a relationship breakdown, sadly) so perhaps there may be something like that as an option for your girl in the short term while you get back on your feet? I’ve been homeless with a dog in tow and know how hard it can be. good luck hun

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aquariusgemstone, I will check out the links for sure. I have lost all faith in the government I have to be honest If it wasn’t so horrific it would actually be funny. I hear from so many people, “they have to help you”, “My friend get disability and she is 21 yr old” even my worker when I tried to get reeducated said, “I have never had an application turned down, we will get you approved”. I truly can’t believe what I have gone through trying to get help, I don’t know what it is.
      Any time I have gotten someone who seems to want to help I have to move and then I am out of their catchment area and I have to apply somewhere else. I have even contacted m Ombudsman’s office and they do nothing.

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  6. Oh Carrie, I’m so sorry to hear of your troubles. They don’t sound good. I wish I had some easy answers for you, but I don’t. The heart and lung problems sound horrible and very scary! Strange your medical people didn’t clue you in sooner. I pray your situation improves.

    Fighting Stage 4 bone mets cancer myself, I can only try to imagine what you are going thru. I have no idea how my situation will play out! I’m hoping for the best, but it’s too soon to tell!

    My sister a couple of years ago, suffered heart failure, and needed a pace maker. Thank goodness she got one. It’s still scary watching wear herself out, and become breathless.

    The only thing that comes to my mind is to never to rely on a man to save your butt – DON’T! Any security you have should be tightly held on to. But we learn all these things too late don’t we? Yes, I’ve been there as well! I think a lot of it is the result of bad programming by society, but that’s just my theory. Hugs and best wishes!

    Take care of yourself. I’ll be praying for you!

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