I Keep Praying For God To Give Me A Sign

god removes people

“I keep praying for God to give me a sign”, was a comment made by a woman on my Face Book. I was immediately transported 15 years back in time; ………I am in my garden, about a year into my relationship with James, with tears streaming down my cheeks, a glass of wine in one hand and my garden rake in the other, face to the sky, pleading for God to please give me a some sort of sign telling me what I should do. I don’t know what kind of sign I was expecting, writing in the sky? a bolt of lightening? a booming voice saying, “Run you fool run!!” God can only do so much and I wanted some sort of undeniable concrete evidence that I should leave or stay.

For 9 years I prayed for God to give me a sign. Looking back I can imagine God slapping his forehead in frustration wishing he could slap ME upside the head with a 2×4. As I was sounding like a broken record, crying, begging for a sign telling me what I should do; I can imagine God wanting to scream, “What more do you want?? You don’t want the truth so stop asking for it!”

It isn’t that God didn’t give me signs, tons of them, time after time after time………

  •  I had never snooped on a partner in my life but out of the blue I was hit by some force to check James’ barrack box. When I opened the box there was a notebook right on top. I opened the notebook at a random page that described how he had hit the young girl he had always told me left him for no reason. His words jumped out at me, “Just like all the rest, she wouldn’t shut up; so I hit her.” He went on to describe how when they got home he took the phone in the bedroom and called her family and friends and complained about her. How he was cold and uncaring and went to sleep leaving her crying, pregnant and alone. He left to do a run the next morning and called her 1/2 way through the next day to say, “I love you” and she had replied, “You woke me up to say that?” and hung up. She never answered the phone again and when he got home the apartment was empty and she was gone. Did I take it as a sign that I should also pack my bags and run? Oh no, I took it to mean I should prove to him I wasn’t going to leave him. I knew how much he loved me, how much her leaving had hurt him; after all he had told me, no woman had ever loved him like I did. He had thought he had loved before but I had shown him what true love was all about.
  • Or when time after time some bizarre “co-incidence” would reveal another one of his lies.
  • Or when, while looking for scrap paper I found proof he had forged my signature and altered my police statement.
  • Or when I accidentally ran into the guy who was on the way to the bank to get the money to buy a truck from James, MY truck.
  • Or how every time we split I did SO much better financially and everything I needed was miraculously given to me.

I could go on and on, after all it was 10 years of gas lighting, living with Jekyll and Hyde, “I love you today”, “I keep telling you my love is cycleable”, “I can’t live with your warped view of reality” “I can’t live with your dysfunctional way of thinking”, “Of course I am looking for other women, look what I live with.” “I wouldn’t look elsewhere if you trusted me”. How many times did he tell me it was over? how many times did I leave just to have him beg me back, making promises he never kept? How many personal ads did I find without even having to look for them? How many jobs did he lose because he was “falsely” accused of stealing? How many friends did he lose because he was “falsely” accused of stealing? How many times did we move to another town to get a “fresh start”?

Honor Thy Narcissistic Mother

How many signs did I need? I ignored the obvious signs that I was with one majorly fucked up psychopath and chose to interpret obscure “signs” to mean I should stay.

  • Like, every time we had a big fight he injured himself.
  • Or how every time we had a major fight or split up my truck broke down and I had to call James to rescue me.

And I interpreted it to mean God was showing us that we needed each other and should stay together.

  • I had 3 vehicles stolen in as many years and I found spare transfer and tax forms he had forged my signature on.
  • My brake line broke 3 times in 5 years, plus numerous other suspicious mechanical failures.

I totally pushed the thought out of my mind that he was responsible for it all, which would have proven without a shadow of a doubt that this guy was fricken nuts and dangerous!!

We all have free will and we all can choose to interpret answers to our prayers any way we want. When God answers prayers, he does not always give us the answer we want to hear. And if we are honest with ourselves, we don’t need God to give us answers; all we need to do is face the truth that keeps slapping us across the face.

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8 Replies to “I Keep Praying For God To Give Me A Sign”

  1. It is amazing to read this blog. How I wish I’d seen it before I ruined years of my life. But then – as this entry says – if I’d seen it, would I have heard it?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Read also the blog of Savannah Grey, Esteemology, in the last one she writes about dating again, but she also writes about the addiction you have, like the addiction to heroin. After three years out of the relationship with the N. I still notice that akin feeling.
      I have everything on track. But there is always something that triggers me back into that feeling.

      Like

  2. I did the same, I prayed to God to give me a sign..
    And guess what happened the next day after a massive fight we had.
    I was so angry I was closing the door and we had the cutest little kitten and I crushed her with the door!! 😦
    But no,the sign wasn’t enough for me, I still kept going for another 2 years

    Like

  3. I remember being outstretched on the floor crying for God to just give me my marriage, the more I prayed the more evil he became. That was my sign, I got the hell out, got divorced, went no contact and haven’t looked back.. I am now trying to counsel his daughter because of the damage he has done to her..God answers prayers..keep praying everyone and don’t let the sum bitches win!!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I can’t tell you how many times I did this either. It’s absolutely ridiculous to me now. How many prayers I wasted on him that should’ve gone to someone else. Anyone else…

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I too prayed for a sign & chose to ignore God…lol well eventually my ex N beat the crap out of me…I had gotten numerous answers but ignored them until God got my attention…..Im so glad to be away from him…im lucky we live 1 1/2 hour away so i have absolutely no contact at all for 4 months……last 2 weeks i started to miss him bad wtf is up with that?

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  6. The sign I’m waiting for is that he is an N
    I am no psychiatrist … labelling someone else is easy … but is he really? Or is he going through a hard time?
    It would really help to know his new gf is treated the same way … that would be a sign …
    Is he happy now? I’d like to know.
    I hope not because that would not be fair. Unfortunately for her, I wish he treated her the same way so I know it’s really him who has a problem
    If he is happy, I’d like to know too. It would hurt like hell but I could move on thinking we were just not made for each other.
    I guess I have a hard time accepting that my otherwise fairly good instincts have failed me … how did that happen? Will it happen again? How can I trust myself again?

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    1. I guess dear T-ke that what you’re really hoping is some kind of closure. Something most of us here wished for but never got.
      I personally asked all those questions that you’re asking myself, but somehow deep down I knew the answer. I just wanted proof, but that never came so I realised that my feeling ( my instinct) was right all along and it never failed me, I just didn’t listen to it as I wanted to believe it was false, I wanted to believe like you that he was a good human being,who was going through a hard time, that he really loved me despite the abuse, but deep down I knew it wasn’t true and I wasted 4 years trying to prove it to myself that I was wrong..,
      So I now decided I don’t need to know how he is with others or is he happy or were we compatible or not I just need to move on and look after myself and try to be happy without closure.
      Not sure if any of it make sense to you, sorry for long post

      Like

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