Answer To The One Question That Plagues Every Victim Of A Narcissist


With Valentine’s Day tomorrow I am sure there are more than a couple people here second guessing their relationship with the narcissist, or whether the N was a narcissist at all. If they are stalking the N’s social media and talking to friends or still communicating with the narc; they no doubt are being fed info designed to make them doubt themselves and the dynamics of the whole relationship.

If they are managing to truly stay no contact; then they are imagining all the wonderful things the narcissist is doing for the new woman. AND if you aren’t doing these things, you are a better person than I was for the first couple of years. I had a constant dialogue going on in my head. I would allow my inner demons convince me that “if only” I had done this or that I would be the one in his arms right now; then the realistic, rational me would argue with my critical self and eventually the rational me would win over, but it was a lengthy and tiring battle for several years.

just the way I am

One of the main reasons victims of a narcissist stick around as long as they do is because they are living on the hope that the narcissist will return to the man they fell in love with. They have invested so much time and effort into the relationship; years of explaining why they get angry, how important honesty is in a relationship, why it hurts when he has personal ads and they are afraid the minute they dump his sorry ass he will “get it” and some other woman will benefit from all their hard work.

When the relationship finally ends, he immediately finds the “love of his life”, she is perfect and the victim is the one who made his life hell. More than likely friends were lost because he slandered the victim.

If you were smart, you went no contact, stopped checking his FaceBook and dumped any friends who remained friends with both of you (because, let’s be frank here; he was abusive and treated you like crap on the sole of his shoe; (the only soul he has) If they can remain friends with him, they are not friends of yours.)so you have no idea if he is still ecstatically happy or not. You would love to know that she got the same treatment as you and he hadn’t changed at all.

bat shit crazy

Well, I am here to tell you, HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF, toxic behavior such as what the narcissist displayed does not just come and go depending on who the person is involved with. A healthy person does not turn into an asshole because of the person they are involved with.

I can hear you all saying that you weren’t perfect and you did things you are not proud of while you were with him.  I hear ya! I did things I had never done before, I had total melt downs, became a screaming crazy woman at times, I was suspicious of everything and had never been a jealous person. Once when I found another personal ad I keyed his truck in a fit or rage. At times I felt I had lost my ability to think rationally or deal with emotions in a healthy way. Nothing will make a person lose their ability to remain calm and rational faster than knowing you have caught him red handed yet totally deny it or worse, blame you. Or when you have spent days planning what you are going to say, choosing your words with utmost care, cautiously picking a  time when he won’t be tired, rehearsing what you will say, making sure to control your tone of voice so as not to be accused of “screaming” or raising your voice; only to have him totally twist your words, change the subject to something you did wrong 5 years ago, simply ignore you or end up storming out and you end up apologizing once again.

just denyword salad

Come on; who wouldn’t eventually crack and act crazy.

If you are honest with yourself, what you thought was the most healthy connection you have ever had in your life; the person who you felt knew you better than anyone else on earth and STILL loved you unconditionally, turned into the most bizarre experience of your life, you entered the twilight zone, you were put on a roller coast ride through the house of horrors and you didn’t have a clue how you got there and certainly didn’t have a clue how to get off the ride.

I am happy to inform you that in the past week I have had 3 separate confirmations that they do not change.

  1. Some of you will remember when I started to date the mechanic at work (lets call him Chuck) and he turned out to be a narcissist. It was not crushing for me because I know what to look for and had suspected it almost from the beginning. In fact it was reassuring to know my gut had been right and when the time came I was able to walk away without a backwards glance. That is not to say I didn’t have my moments of self doubt, it is only human; and by the way; what separates us from the narcissists in the world.

    Anyway……… I was on Facebook recently and noticed on a friend’s FB that a woman was slagging Chuck. She was obviously hurting so I went to her FaceBook and discovered they had been living together for over a year and he had brought a woman home to her house and had been staying out all night, you know; all the typical stuff. I decided to PM her through FB and suggested she might be interested in reading my blog. She messaged back and asked me about him and I simply told her that I had dated him briefly and knew for a fact that he screws around on every woman he has ever been with.

    She came back to me a few days later and said she had asked him about me and he had told her that I had chased him, that he had not been the least bit interested and turned me down flat and I had been a vindictive bitch because he rejected me. I felt a fleeting urge to defend myself and make her believe me. But then I thought to myself, I really do not want to get into the middle of a “he said, she said drama”;  it really does not matter to me. I told her that I didn’t care if she believed me or not, that I had contacted her in order to let her know she wasn’t alone and I really didn’t want to get involved in their relationship. If she needed to know what she was dealing with she could read my website. I was sure she would be shocked at how similar her relationship was to every other victim of a narcissist. I have a sneaky suspicion that she went back to him. I also suspect she will be visiting my blog.

     I recently changed my phone number and sent the number to my contact list and I heard from an old girlfriend who has been staying with a friend for 5 days because her abusive boy friend almost killed her (again) and the neighbors called the police. I was supportive but secretly fear she will go back again and stand by him when he goes to court. I fear she is in so deep she won’t ever get out. I listen to her and hear myself 6 years ago and wonder how I ever got in that deep because I will be honest I recently checked out his FaceBook after years of no contact and I can not for the life of me figure out why I thought he was so sexy or why I thought I couldn’t live without him.

  2. About a week ago I got a Messenger pm from a girl who dated a good friend (Ben), of James and I. I had stopped talking to Ben because he tried to remain friends with James and I. I tried my best to be mature and ok with it but it hurt to hear about James and how happy he was with Marisa and how nice Marisa was.
    Why do friends think the victim wants to hear that shit? Ben and I met for dinner one day and he started to “verify” facts he had heard from James. I was not going to defend myself to James’s lies and I felt a true friend should know me well enough to not even question me. That was the last time we talked.

    One of the first things this girl asked me was, “Where are you living now?”
    Bells and whistles started going off in my head. 

    A day and 1/2 went by before I messaged her back, “It is great to hear from you but I unfortunately I found out the hard way not to give out personal information to anyone from my past who knows James.” She apologized and said she hadn’t seen James in ages. We exchanged a couple of messages over 2 days and I haven’t heard anything more. She did say that the last time she talked to Ben he had told her that James was “really messed up and lost”.

    I was so tempted to ask what “messed up and lost” meant, but I didn’t want to know THAT badly.

    Why didn’t I want to know all the sordid details? because, believe it or not; I don’t care.

    Five years out of the relationship I will gladly spend Valentine’s Day sleeping in my car, in Tim Horton’s parking lot and not have one moment of self doubt or fantasizing about how good it could have been “if only”.

    I finally “get it” and you will too one day. One day, maybe one year, maybe 3 or 5 years from now you will know in all certainty that you were in bed with a very sick and twisted man and he will never be any different.

 So I just want to say happy vdIt’s just one day and a commercialized one at that. And if your narc was anything like James

you were disappointed or had given up on him doing anything special for you especially if it was expected or wanted.

I remember when I was in my 20’s and 30’s, Valentine’s Day was spend anxiously waiting to see how many guys bought me flowers. All the girls in the office watched the door for the florist delivery person and then waited with bated breath to see who they were for. Our “worth” growing with each bouquet. How silly.

27 thoughts on “Answer To The One Question That Plagues Every Victim Of A Narcissist

  1. EchoNoMorr

    Thank you so much for posting Carrie!
    Happy belated Valentine’s Day to all.
    Three years ago I was in the thick of my abuse by the N. I was discarded by my N 5/2013 and it took me several months to figure out what had been happening around Valentine’s Day. I was finally trying to reconcile my finances (or lack of) several months after my discard and I saw bank withdrawals at a local club during the time he should have been working. With just one phone call to the club, I learned that the night’s event was a Widow and Widower dance. Yup, I am sure that the N was trying to kill me with the stress of his abusive and erratic behavior, while going out looking for a replacement and pretending I was dead. He was attending a dance for people who had lost their spouse to death and pretending I was dead. Since normal people do not behave like this it took me quite some time to process the enormity of the actions of the N.
    At the bitter end of our marriage, I am pretty certain that he was actively trying to kill me with my medication and by dint of the fact that he could not kill me fast enough, he finally left me sick and nearly dead saying “I would have honored my marital vows but you did not die soon enough”.
    My recovery is like a daily battle of removing everything and anyone from my life that has anything remotely to do with the N. I try to practice extreme self love every chance.
    Valentine’s Day this year, I woke up alone in a hotel in another state where I am preparing to move and make the separation from my FOO (who groomed me for N abuse). I was not super happy, nor was I really sad. I am looking forward to cultivating my new life in a new local on my own terms. Honestly, it feels truly hopeful for the first time in more than a decade. I did have to return back home to my mom and brother where I live for now. On the almost 200 mile return trip, I started to feel sad and cried for awhile. I cried because I felt sad for me and all of the abuse and changes in my life. All of the wasted time and energy… I felt alone and scared, but I felt that way during my long devalue and ultimate discard. Had my N not been so good at gaslighting and convincing me anything I accomplished, he had done, I would have known back then that I was strong and capable and had been doing everything all along for two people. I was also sad, because the person I loved so much was only an act that lasted as long as I gave him something HE wanted.
    At this point in my recovery, I know that my N only loves the next supply as long as they are providing something he needs. All resources are finite and everyone will eventually be exhausted and then summarily discarded. Lastly, there is no cure for the N, but there is hope for the non disordered.
    Peace and love to you all on your journey back to self.


  2. chatch

    Hello all. Happy valentines day..i just want to thank everyone on here..I was alone , afraid, worried but i found courage , hope, a place to learn and grow. I was with my N for 18 months..I was searching for answers and just by chance found Carrie’s blog ..and i was scared J would flip out and hurt me, all the little comments he made about the guns he owned, and ” send you to the moon ” with a clenched fist ..i was at a loss about what to do. I was almost 100 miles away from all family and friends, can’t drive because of back problems BUT i read the “how to get out safely” part of the blog and am now safely with my family again..he put a monitoring system on my phone, ( he had gotten me a new phone but failed to tell me it was HIS sim card he put in my phone and that i had his old phone number ) until i called myself by accident one day and our house phone rang, and people started calling my phone asking for him, when i questioned him he finally told me..he told me how many messages i sent, how many phone calls i made and to whom i made them…then i got nervous..i am on disability and had to give him 70% of my money for bills even though he makes close to $4500.00 a month take home…anyway..i made my plan, let my family and a couple of friends know what was going on through my computer ( which i am pretty sure ) he never got into..My son and daughter in law came and picked me up when he went to work one morning…they were a cpl hours later than we planned because of things that had to be taken care of before they could drive to pick me up..My son knew about the guns and took the clip out when he got there so that was a load off my mind believe me.they loaded everything i had there in about 30 mins. and we were out of there..I was a nervous wreck i can tell you…when my son and daughter in law got there i started crying i was so relieved..i am in no way a wimp and i was afraid if he tried to hurt me or my kids i would hurt him !! Talk about a relief..: ) i went to sleep and never thought i would be so rested from the lack of boys were on lookout in case he showed up but he didn’t thank God..i sent him a text and told him why i was leaving you know what J told me..” are you going to pay me the $ 40 for the phone bill ( i had already given him the money) and the $ 52. for a carton of cigarettes he got for me….and my answer..uh No…i planned to get my number changed as soon as i could but when i wouldn’t take his phone calls or answer texts he shut my phone off. No problem my kids went the next day and gave me a new monthly plan and loaned me a phone..this man was i can’t eve. he has 2 women friends at his apt complex , one who has a key to “our” apt. and has borrowed hundreds of dollars from him and never had to pay him back, but ME even if i had to smoke 3-4 of his cigarettes until the next day he made me pay for a whole pack to pay him back, it goes on and on..i am just happy to be out of there and away from that ass wipe..thank you Carrie !!! for the courage !!


  3. Farelle

    It’s almost 2 years now that I officially moved out and away from the person who made my life a living hell and whenever I need reassurance or a little reminder of why I left him I come here and read your blog posts or watch videos about signs of narcissism etc. Ironically on Valentines day, I don’t even remember that I had any specific thoughts about him (and I never celebrated valentinesday in any way, but it’s just present on the internet) but I stumbled over a video with 29 signs of a sociopath/psychopath….and shockingly 27 of those were 100% fitting :O somehow, it made me feel better, knowing that I survived it and that it could have gone horribly wrong (even more horrible than it already was).
    And now looking back on how my mind/thoughts progressed, it’s impressive what this man managed to do with my head and I was defending him at some point! I’m baffled by that…I always thought I’m a rather smart and observing person, but never would I have thought that I could be so self deceiving. And I had signs….alot of them…from the very beginning. And it’s almost funny that now, even after 2 years of not being with him anymore I find more and more things that make me wonder. Like as example when i first met him, he was appearing to me like an ice block. I was even telling him about it after we got to know each other a little better and I laughed about it. As far as I remember though, he didn’t laugh and now thinking about it, all the things I thought I loved about him….they are my own characteristics…which I never acknowledged as lovable in myself though, so it wasn’t so “visible”. That was one scary realization…that all he did was mirroring my behaviour and used it to make me feel comfortable with him and understood, for a while….
    Or another thing, that in the night when he was throwing me out of the house (after I said I want to leave for the weekend and if he could be reasonable and support me, yeah maybe it was stupid to ask that, he just decided to give me only 1 day time to pack my things and leave immediately) my car wasn’t starting….from all those times and even knowing that the battery had problems, it was the first time that this happened and I needed to go back to him and ask him for starting help, right after I said goodbye…..and he had invited a friend for that night :/ is it crazy to think now, that he invited that friend on purpose and sabotaged the car so I would be embarrassedly coming back to him and ask for his help? and someone witnessing it? I don’t know…it messes with my head thinking that this could be the case….I never wanted to believe that he would be so deceiving and lying…
    Also, when I called an emergency hotline (for mental support) I was shocked by the reaction of that woman on the phone. I knew I was in a bad situation and I never had called such a hotline before in my life, but she was straight and very persistent suggesting me that I had to leave as fast as possible, even if I would leave things behind….I couldn’t believe that someone was thinking it would be THAT bad, only after hearing a few sentences…and I remember thinking that it’s exagerated reaction and that she must have missunderstood something…but I can understand now…it was an actual life threatening situation and I still have troubles believing that, because I thought he would love me, so he would never be able to do anything like that.
    However, I did leave him relatively shortly after. But the time until I could leave was just….let’s say I was actually afraid of my life.

    On a better note though: I don’t have contact with him for 2 years now aswell and except for some short moments talking about him with my husband, the topic comes up less and less and it’s slowly becoming less distressing…I have no urge anymore to contact him and I made alot of very positive memories in my new life, which is helping me alot to move on. And my 1 year old daughter keeps me busy aswell 🙂


    1. Yvonne

      Wow….it’s so good to know that you can have a close knit relationship with someone after leaving the devil and be comfortable and safe enough to discuss the situations. I dream that one day I can leave and be able to have that close friend communication with my partner. Right now I feel like a prisoner in my own home and can’t say what I want or feel in my own certain way. I have to flip on a bipolar switch and act like nothing’s wrong and I have to be the bubbly girlfriend 24/7 no matter what the situation is. It’s toxic and exhausting. But one day I will be in your shoes and be able to talk about my ups and downs with someone with compassion and understanding. This blog helps me get stronger everytime I visit it. Good to hear your doing well and can move on to better things in life. It gives me hope and little bit more encouragement.


      1. Farelle

        it’s not easy though, since I think for anyone it’s really hard to understand what one is going through, even if they see it first hand happening. I wish you strength that you will survive it and that you can find anyone to open up to, maybe a third person who doesn’t know your current partner.


        1. Yvonne

          I write in a journal everyday. Whether it’s good or bad I still write it down just in case I find the courage to see a counselor. I have friends that are patiently waiting for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have been a lot stronger and my give a damn is almost at a bust. I don’t know what a real relationship is anymore so I ask friends that will tell me in either defense if I’m wrong and it’s always him. He is selfish and insecure and minipulates everything. Valentine’s Day has made it a lot more clearer that he avoids showing any affection or attention to me so he causes a fight instead so that’s his way of coping out. It’s all about him and his work. I want be someone’s equal not their slave/roommate. I must say some of the people’s experiences are harsh compared to mine. I just can’t explain his actions…he’s a ridiculous pyscho that knows how to chew on my last nerve but plays himself very carefully. I’m learning to keep the gas lighting effect in my head and always remember it’s a game. But thank you for your thoughts and I hope I can laugh at him one day and pray for the next girl.


          1. Carrie Reimer Post author

            Yvonne, writing in a journal is an excellent idea and may be helpful down the road. It helps keep events in order and verifies your memories are correct because the narc will always deny deny deny.
            You seem so sad and unhappy, can i ask what is holding you back from leaving? because it won’t get any easier, the longer you are with him the more you lose of yourself.
            I used to think if I stayed long enough I would get sick of his BS and it would be easier to leave but it doesn’t work that way with a narcissist, they wear you down and drain you. They want to destroy their victim.
            We are here for you anytime.


  4. Yvonne

    Honestly I don’t have the guts to say anything to him. I’m scared of his munipulating words and how he twists everything around. My narc has a women fetish and likes to hide his Instagram and fb from me. He is a insecure stalker and is sneaky and shady and I do not approve it. But I’m scared to bring it to his attention. Hel just say I love you and I come home to you every nite don’t I. Which he does but mentally cheating on me is not good to my self esteem. Idk if he’s flirting with these young girls that are about 23-25 yrs of age. I’m 40 he’s 32. I have kids that are the same age as the girls he looks at. I don’t get it and don’t know what to do about this situation Carrie. I’m afraid of the outcome but I know I have support to help me through it. Here and through my friends and family. I am lost but I know I will find my way sooner or later. Any thoughts would be great.


    1. kim

      yvone i just came across youre post they are the lowest of the low my ex n has a disgusting fetish and left me after 30yrs because i got ill and couldnt dress in stuff he went constantly on sex chat lines and watching really bad porn he is now dating young women and grooming them to do dirty things for him they are also of my daughters age 20s he is 53 they have no boundaries and it only gets worse it is really hard to accept what they are but i wish you luck we are here for you xxx


      1. Yvonne

        Thank you so much Kim for the info. Idk how I’m Gona bring it up but it has to be brought to his attention that I know and I don’t approve. Not sure what kind of mood to set the situation? Do I talk calmly and kill him with kindness or do I wait to a full blow out argument and call him out on all his bull crap? Thinking of going the nice girl cuz he’s all about trying to drive me nuts and if I dont show it than he knows he has no power over me anymore. Not sure but i have to say everything that’s bothering me cuz my mind is on a freight train and I’m ready to derail. Thanks for your story. It’s helped to know that it’s just me that thinks he’s sick and demented.


        1. Carrie Reimer Post author

          Yvonne, I can remember being where you are; worrying about how I was going to approach the subject of him screwing around. Do you not see how crazy that is? That is the really insane thing about being involved with a narcissist. HE is doing something totally unacceptable and YOU are worried about how to tell him you know!
          My recommendation to you (and I am sure you are not going to take this advice because I probably wouldn’t have either, but it is the smart answer and what you really should do)
          Without saying a word about anything, plan to leave. Get it all organized and carefully planned with trusted friends and family and then while he is gone to work one day you move the hell out of there and never look back.
          I know you are thinking you have to tell him to be fair, deep down you are hoping he comes up with a good enough lie that you can lie to yourself. You have to do things in your own time but there will come a day when he makes the decision for you and I would hate to see you waste any more of your time and lose any more of your self esteem and self respect. It will not get better, it only gets worse, he will only up the anti every time and you WILL lose more of yourself. You know what you have to do now you have to act using your rational and logical mind and not listen to your heart. You have to face the truth and stop living on hopes and promises.
          Sorry, but that is the truth. I am not going to give you pointers on how or when to approach him about his indiscretions because to be honest with you, it is absolute bullshit that you are concerned with how HE is going to react. He is not the least bit concerned with losing you, he should be concentrating on you and his child not chasing young girls. You have every right to deal with it any way you want to. HE is in the wrong NOT you.


          1. Yvonne

            Thank you for that and you are absolutely right. I have no ties to him. Iv been with him for almost 3 years and I don’t and can’t see a future with him anymore. My daughter is going to be 22 and my son will be 24. He lives in my home so I can’t leave. This is my house and he can’t get his things and be gone. He has enough money in his bank account to go buy a house cuz he saved alot of money by moving in with me 2 and a half years ago. First 8 months he didn’t pay anything. He works only to benefit himself and to make himself look like “the man” to lure girls in and get them hooked on his charm. It used to be black and white tunnel for me at the beginning of this toxic relationship now I see his true colors and how he works. And I would’ve never known if it wasn’t for you. I know I should’ve care how he’s going to react but I can not stand being screamed at. It tenses me up and I freeze. My father suffered from depression and bipolar 1 and us kids got the wrath of his demons. My mind is not strong enough to handle the yelling but if that’s what I have to go through one more time to walk my path of happiness than I’ll take it. I just know I can’t keep this bottled up inside. All his stuff is here so it’s not like he’s packing his clothes and leaving, he has a skid steer, flatbed trailer, 4 vehicles, tools etc. he bought me a $2000 refidgerator for Xmas gift so he’s not taking that. The washer he bought me cuz my daughter overloaded my old one and did something to the shaft. But that’s fine I have laundromats down the road. I’m going to hear ” after all the things Iv done for you” and Hel call me an unappreciative ungrateful bitch. He needs help cuz my daughter says it’s weird that he stalks and stares at girls that are close to her age. He has a major problem if he’s following 4,000 people on Instagram and only has 162 following him. I just don’t get it. But I thank you for your advice and will hopefully have the courage to let go of the familiar. I have friends and family’s support so I’m secure there but he lives here and by all rights I have to evict him. But he will want to leave ASAP when I tell him if he doesn’t leave than my husband will sit on the couch till he does. I’m not divorced yet and by all rights my ex can walk in here anytime he wants bug he’s not like that. But if I have trouble with my narc he told me to call him and he will make sure he packs his things and won’t even open his mouth to me. So it’s good to know my ex has my back and it’s reassuring that I get advice from you who have been where I am and understand what I’m feeling. Thank you Carrie and I will so happy to write to you with great news someday soon!!!!!


  5. Freedom777 you for posting. I came across this and I thought I was missing something that the other girl has, but I am certain his ex wife and I both feel the same(I was a fill in while he was getting divorced). When I didnt do what he wanted he moved on very quickly…It hit me when I read your info..I dodged a bullet is what I did. One draw back, I work in the same office as he does so it is uncomfortable, but he ignores me as if I never existed. That hurt for 2 years and finally I am gaining what I was before it all happened, slowly but surely. I am also finally divorcing my abusive spouse of 23 years, my DV counseling had helped. I have been in a heap of abuse my whole life, from my own mom and dad sexual abuse, to a violent high school boyfriend to my husband. I have three beautiful children and my youngest is 17 in and out of psych hospitals since she was 12. Finally diagnosed with high functioning autism and anxiety. As I write this I know I am going to make it because its finally about me now. No longer will I tolerate or “need” a man. I am looking foward to being in love with me and taking care of me. It will take time for sure as I work toward healing. From much trauma.


  6. Yvonne W

    Yeah i was just beginning to wonder that myself. I left my “N” two months ago in December. He moved out and it was hellbound when he took the first truck load but second one he was more understanding and we cried together. Told him some of the things he did that drove me to this and the look he gave me I’ll never forget was the look of devestation. He wanted to try working things out in separate places but I still wouldn’t be able to be myself and the bad memories would haunt me. With Valentine’s Day tomorrow Iv been missing him more. I think it’s the attention I miss and the compliments he always gave me. The sex was the best and I miss that the most. Iv been thinking maybe I could go back cuz I’m not afraid to leave and I know he’d do anything to make it right But I gota keep re-reading my journals to remind myself that it would only be good for a little while and I wouldn’t be able to be “myself”.



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