With Valentine’s Day tomorrow I am sure there are more than a couple people here second guessing their relationship with the narcissist, or whether the N was a narcissist at all. If they are stalking the N’s social media and talking to friends or still communicating with the narc; they no doubt are being fed info designed to make them doubt themselves and the dynamics of the whole relationship.
If they are managing to truly stay no contact; then they are imagining all the wonderful things the narcissist is doing for the new woman. AND if you aren’t doing these things, you are a better person than I was for the first couple of years. I had a constant dialogue going on in my head. I would allow my inner demons convince me that “if only” I had done this or that I would be the one in his arms right now; then the realistic, rational me would argue with my critical self and eventually the rational me would win over, but it was a lengthy and tiring battle for several years.
One of the main reasons victims of a narcissist stick around as long as they do is because they are living on the hope that the narcissist will return to the man they fell in love with. They have invested so much time and effort into the relationship; years of explaining why they get angry, how important honesty is in a relationship, why it hurts when he has personal ads and they are afraid the minute they dump his sorry ass he will “get it” and some other woman will benefit from all their hard work.
When the relationship finally ends, he immediately finds the “love of his life”, she is perfect and the victim is the one who made his life hell. More than likely friends were lost because he slandered the victim.
If you were smart, you went no contact, stopped checking his FaceBook and dumped any friends who remained friends with both of you (because, let’s be frank here; he was abusive and treated you like crap on the sole of his shoe; (the only soul he has) If they can remain friends with him, they are not friends of yours.)so you have no idea if he is still ecstatically happy or not. You would love to know that she got the same treatment as you and he hadn’t changed at all.
Well, I am here to tell you, HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF, toxic behavior such as what the narcissist displayed does not just come and go depending on who the person is involved with. A healthy person does not turn into an asshole because of the person they are involved with.
I can hear you all saying that you weren’t perfect and you did things you are not proud of while you were with him. I hear ya! I did things I had never done before, I had total melt downs, became a screaming crazy woman at times, I was suspicious of everything and had never been a jealous person. Once when I found another personal ad I keyed his truck in a fit or rage. At times I felt I had lost my ability to think rationally or deal with emotions in a healthy way. Nothing will make a person lose their ability to remain calm and rational faster than knowing you have caught him red handed yet totally deny it or worse, blame you. Or when you have spent days planning what you are going to say, choosing your words with utmost care, cautiously picking a time when he won’t be tired, rehearsing what you will say, making sure to control your tone of voice so as not to be accused of “screaming” or raising your voice; only to have him totally twist your words, change the subject to something you did wrong 5 years ago, simply ignore you or end up storming out and you end up apologizing once again.
Come on; who wouldn’t eventually crack and act crazy.
If you are honest with yourself, what you thought was the most healthy connection you have ever had in your life; the person who you felt knew you better than anyone else on earth and STILL loved you unconditionally, turned into the most bizarre experience of your life, you entered the twilight zone, you were put on a roller coast ride through the house of horrors and you didn’t have a clue how you got there and certainly didn’t have a clue how to get off the ride.
I am happy to inform you that in the past week I have had 3 separate confirmations that they do not change.
Some of you will remember when I started to date the mechanic at work (lets call him Chuck) and he turned out to be a narcissist. It was not crushing for me because I know what to look for and had suspected it almost from the beginning. In fact it was reassuring to know my gut had been right and when the time came I was able to walk away without a backwards glance. That is not to say I didn’t have my moments of self doubt, it is only human; and by the way; what separates us from the narcissists in the world.
Anyway……… I was on Facebook recently and noticed on a friend’s FB that a woman was slagging Chuck. She was obviously hurting so I went to her FaceBook and discovered they had been living together for over a year and he had brought a woman home to her house and had been staying out all night, you know; all the typical stuff. I decided to PM her through FB and suggested she might be interested in reading my blog. She messaged back and asked me about him and I simply told her that I had dated him briefly and knew for a fact that he screws around on every woman he has ever been with.
She came back to me a few days later and said she had asked him about me and he had told her that I had chased him, that he had not been the least bit interested and turned me down flat and I had been a vindictive bitch because he rejected me. I felt a fleeting urge to defend myself and make her believe me. But then I thought to myself, I really do not want to get into the middle of a “he said, she said drama”; it really does not matter to me. I told her that I didn’t care if she believed me or not, that I had contacted her in order to let her know she wasn’t alone and I really didn’t want to get involved in their relationship. If she needed to know what she was dealing with she could read my website. I was sure she would be shocked at how similar her relationship was to every other victim of a narcissist. I have a sneaky suspicion that she went back to him. I also suspect she will be visiting my blog.
I recently changed my phone number and sent the number to my contact list and I heard from an old girlfriend who has been staying with a friend for 5 days because her abusive boy friend almost killed her (again) and the neighbors called the police. I was supportive but secretly fear she will go back again and stand by him when he goes to court. I fear she is in so deep she won’t ever get out. I listen to her and hear myself 6 years ago and wonder how I ever got in that deep because I will be honest I recently checked out his FaceBook after years of no contact and I can not for the life of me figure out why I thought he was so sexy or why I thought I couldn’t live without him.
About a week ago I got a Messenger pm from a girl who dated a good friend (Ben), of James and I. I had stopped talking to Ben because he tried to remain friends with James and I. I tried my best to be mature and ok with it but it hurt to hear about James and how happy he was with Marisa and how nice Marisa was.
Why do friends think the victim wants to hear that shit? Ben and I met for dinner one day and he started to “verify” facts he had heard from James. I was not going to defend myself to James’s lies and I felt a true friend should know me well enough to not even question me. That was the last time we talked.
One of the first things this girl asked me was, “Where are you living now?”
Bells and whistles started going off in my head.
A day and 1/2 went by before I messaged her back, “It is great to hear from you but I unfortunately I found out the hard way not to give out personal information to anyone from my past who knows James.” She apologized and said she hadn’t seen James in ages. We exchanged a couple of messages over 2 days and I haven’t heard anything more. She did say that the last time she talked to Ben he had told her that James was “really messed up and lost”.
I was so tempted to ask what “messed up and lost” meant, but I didn’t want to know THAT badly.
Why didn’t I want to know all the sordid details? because, believe it or not; I don’t care.
Five years out of the relationship I will gladly spend Valentine’s Day sleeping in my car, in Tim Horton’s parking lot and not have one moment of self doubt or fantasizing about how good it could have been “if only”.
I finally “get it” and you will too one day. One day, maybe one year, maybe 3 or 5 years from now you will know in all certainty that you were in bed with a very sick and twisted man and he will never be any different.
So I just want to say It’s just one day and a commercialized one at that. And if your narc was anything like James
you were disappointed or had given up on him doing anything special for you especially if it was expected or wanted.
I remember when I was in my 20’s and 30’s, Valentine’s Day was spend anxiously waiting to see how many guys bought me flowers. All the girls in the office watched the door for the florist delivery person and then waited with bated breath to see who they were for. Our “worth” growing with each bouquet. How silly.