Ghomeshi Case Takes Unexpected Turn

 

ghomeshi and lawyer

I have been following the case of Jian Ghomeshi, a Canadian celebrity charged by numerous women for sexual assault happening years ago. When the case broke it was a huge step for the “breaking the silence” campaign, women were coming forward with allegations of physical abuse by Ghomeshi; to satisfy his fetish for violent sex and he was celebrity and powerful enough to intimidate many people into remaining silent. Everyone who knew him and worked with him describe him as being cocky, disrespectful of his colleagues and generally; he was a legend in his own mind.

You can read up on the players in the trial and more about the case here.

Ghomeshi was fired from his high paying radio announcer job and in a matter of days he watched his reputation and life crumble before his eyes. Women started coming out of the woodwork with allegations of sexual abuse dating back a decade or more. Ghomeshi’s guilt was never in doubt, 8 women could not be lying. Out of all the women only 3 were able to testify for various reasons, and of those women only one would reveal her identity; Lucy DeCoutere, best known for her role in the popular sitcom “Trailer Park Boys”.

The women all had a similar story,they met Ghomeshi, he was very personable, they went on a date, went back to his place and at that point he was physically abusive in some way, punching them in the head, strangling them, throwing them, forcing sex or oral sex on them and often times talking about his teddy bear, Big Ears Teddy who he would turn around so the teddy couldn’t see what he was doing. Afterwards he would act like nothing unusual happened and the women left.

Gimeshi admitted he like rough sex, the only thing he denied was the fact that the women did not give their consent to rough sex.

My heart sank when the court case started and his cracker jack lawyer brought evidence of communication from the women to Ghomeshi in the form of emails and one hand written letter wanting to see him again.

They ended up changing their testimony at the last minute, said they had forgotten they sent the emails; it didn’t look good and Ghomeshi’s lawyer ran with it. “If it was non consensual and if indeed you were so traumatized by it, why on earth would you actively seek his attention and want to see him again?” I am sure much of society is asking the same question; it is a logical question because it doesn’t make sense. Just like the question, “Why do they stay?” or “Why do I miss him so much when he treated me so bad?”

I don’t really understand it myself. I remember the first time James was abusive; he strangled me until I passed out. When I came to I remember the only thing I wanted was for him to hold me and tell me it was all a bad dream. I was sure he must feel awful. But he acted like nothing out of the ordinary happened. In fact when I went to him to talk about it and said, “James that was abuse.” he snorted and said, “It was not.”

I said, “James, how can you say that? You choked me until I passed out.”

He sighed and took his eyes off his computer to look at me with disdain, “I did not choke you. I had my hands on your throat.”

Me, “that is abuse James, you could have killed me!”

Him, “Don’t be ridiculous, I know exactly when to stop. Besides, a real man would have done it a lot sooner.”

I didn’t leave, I didn’t tell anyone, I decided to solve the problem, talk to him, figure out why he did it, fix him, fix us; and I decided to prove to him that I loved him and I protected him then and every time after that. The longer it went on the harder it was to tell anyone because how could I explain why I hadn’t said anything up until now, why I was still with him.

There is something that happens to the victim’s mind when they are violated; maybe it is a survival mechanism where the mind just does not accept what happened or maybe it is because the abuser acts like nothing happened and we are uncertain about what abuse actually is. Is it abuse if you are choked, punched in the head once, twice, thrown across the room? Did we deserve it? We must have done something to bring it on ourselves. It is ugly and we don’t want to deal with it so we try to make it right. It is called Cognitive Dissonance, where in order to deal with something that goes totally against our belief system, we alter the facts in our head to be something we can accept. We minimize the events, make excuses or come up with some other way of making it acceptable. You can read more about Cognitive Dissonance here.

The real problem with the court case and this unfortunate turn of events is Crown Counsel didn’t properly prepare their clients for court. For once the police and society in general believed the women and because of that they didn’t investigate the case in as much depth as they should have. No one thought to ask these women if there were emails out there or anything else they had forgotten about what happened after the incident. Ghomeshi hired one of the best and most expensive lawyers available, a woman.

Once again, it is proven that the judicial system is basically ignorant about abuse and the effects it has on the victim. We need a lot more education on how trauma affects the victim, what defines abuse, and that when people are dealing with insanity they don’t always act in a sane and rational way.

Ghomeshi also brought up the book 50 Shades of Grey, I have never read it myself but I have certainly heard the women gushing over the sex scenes. I have never liked the whole story line of the book and didn’t read it. It truly does blur the lines of acceptable consensual sex and abuse.

And once again the abuser sits calm, cool and collected, admitting to enough fault to appear honest yet never taking any blame and as much as I hate to say it, I think Ghomeshi is going to get away with it.

I just hope that this doesn’t send the message to other victims that it is not safe to speak out. We have to keep speaking out and educating people until abuse can no longer be excused away.

 

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11 thoughts on “Ghomeshi Case Takes Unexpected Turn

  1. I remember this. You wrote about it when the case first started right? It’s really frustrating to read things like this because it’s just ridiculous that the courts don’t call in experts that can talk about the psychological effects of abuse on the victim/survivor.

    I don’t keep up with the news really, but of course I can’t help but know a little about things because I’m on line a lot. (I only know about this one though because of you). So as I read your post, I thought about the Bill Cosby case. Another famous man who got away with abuse and this strange “questionable rape” that seems to occur with these guys.

    I use the word questionable…maybe I should say blurred, (even to themselves) because I think what happens is that the women question themselves as to whether they are in the right. They also probably feel shame and are afraid of being told that they must’ve wanted the attention because they were there, alone with him.

    I can’t stand reading comments from people who say things like, “All these years and these women never said anything?” It’s just ignorant judgmentalism. I just made that word up.

    And somewhere in there, when it comes to being involved in a relationship with someone abusive, there’s an addiction factor that I don’t completely understand but has something to do with the chemicals in our bodies and the thrill of that roller coaster ride. It keeps us going back, without us having much say in it. The trick is to get conscious and resist even when you really want to go back, ride out the withdrawal. Not easy, I know.

    Hope you’re OK and although this may be out of context for this post, I wanted to say that I love the picture you have in your header.

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    1. Sleeping Tiger, thank you for your input. We usually do feel the same on issues and I agree with everything you said. Thank you about the photo. The other one was getting to be a couple years old and I snapped this one on a whim and thought it was ok. I don’t like many pics of myself.
      You are right, the hardest part of leaving a narcissist is keeping our minds in reality and now and not succumbing to dreams and wishful thinking.
      Big Hugs

      Liked by 1 person

    2. Sleeping Tiger, rotflmao!! I thought you meant the picture of me I put as my avatar but isn’t showing. I changed my picture somewhere. But you meant the picture of the lake. LOL
      I took that picture just before I moved to Clearwater, it is Cultus Lake BC on a rainy day in October.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Lol, yes I meant the pic of the lake. I seriously need to work on being specific in my communication. It really is a problem. It’s been brought to my attention in therapy recently that I have a tendency to stop short when I’m communicating things. Of course we were talking about getting needs met, but I see this issue falls under other aspects of communication as well.

        Sorry to turn this more grim, I know you weren’t coming from that direction and I’m even smiling about the misunderstanding. Thanks for responding again, because I was just going to let it go. Your response brings it to my attention again, which is helpful for solving the bigger issue.

        All that being said, I can also see the new pic of your avatar when I see your notification in my reader as well as on the tab at top of screen (in my browser) while on your blog. Ugh. I hope THAT makes sense. Either way, I like that pic of you as well.

        I love rainy day pics. The world looks so surreal on rainy days. I would love to visit Canada someday. I understand it’s beautiful up there.

        Btw: I started reading “Women Who Love Too Much” recently, a recommendation from another blogger on WP. I’m seeing explanations for what you wrote about above. It explains a lot about why women not only go back to abusers, but also why they go for them in the first place.

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  2. carrie thankyou for this post first i would like to say i like the beautiful picture when i heard on a radio show quite a while ago now glamorizing the book and film 50 shadesof grey i went completely out of my comfort zone and rang in to put my point of view on the subject as i was subjected to his fetish for as long as i was with him he never hit me but he was quite violent with what he did to himself once tying his genitals so hard he bled and had to see a doctor he wanted to be whipped etc which i felt very uncomfortable with it all became very disturbing there are more too graphic memories i have too many stories but you get the gist anyway i wanted to warn other women it is and can become abuse if you both do not consent or are threatened and manipulated and to be aware of the subtle signs they make you believe its normal and you are the one with issues it is all about what they want it can be any woman sressed in the stuff they are in love with the items this we realise much too late you are right we stay because of brainwashing even though we know its not right it becomes the norm could go on carrie but thankyou for this interesting case it raises awareness hope you and stella are doing ok xxx

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    1. Thank you Kim for sharing! They drag us into their shame and then make themselves the victim and reject us leaving us feeling dirty and violated. How could they after all we gave up for them?
      Stella is laying beside me asleep, we are good thanks for asking.

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  3. Sent from my Verizon Wireless 4G LTE DROID

    Ladywithatrucks Blog wrote:

    > a:hover { color: red; } a { text-decoration: none; color: #0088cc; } a.primaryactionlink:link, a.primaryactionlink:visited { background-color: #2585B2; color: #fff; } a.primaryactionlink:hover, a.primaryactionlink:active { background-color: #11729E !important; color: #fff !important; } /* @media only screen and (max-device-width: 480px) { .post { min-width: 700px !important; } } */ WordPress.com Carrie Reimer posted: ”  I have been following the case of Jian Ghomeshi, a Canadian celebrity charged by numerous women for sexual assault happening years ago. When the case broke it was a huge step for the “breaking the silence” campaign, women were coming forward wit”

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  4. regarding explanations of why one stays with an abuser, I found this channel from a therapist elaborating it quite well…:o
    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHk_36kn2zDnVL-d23tE6bg/videos

    in short: usually a Person getting involved with a narcissist/abuser is being lured in by a reflection of what they always wanted and when they are hooked up and the abuse starts, there is that mechanism that one doesn’t want to believe that it was all a lie and yes, specially if one had a past where abuse happened before, which usually happens within families, there is that urge to want to fix it, to want to endure it to keep the “family” a very high regarded value intact. It makes sense wanting to protect something like that and a narcissist is using that.
    Additionally, because of the very stressfull life with an abuser, it’s also a very “exciting” relationship, in sense of suspension/tension/constant adrenaline, which means if one wants to leave a narcissist, everything outside that relationship feels bland, almost boring…and one starts to question oneself if you can ever love anyone else anymore or feel anything….thats where the hook is…..the hook and willingness or let’s say addiction to come back to him, because you felt SOMETHING with him.

    Sorry, I’m changing between one and you so much. I think I was trying to distance myself from the description, since it still kind of hurts to think about some stuff.

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    1. Farelle, I haven’t seen that video I don’t think but there are many reason why a victim stays, all the things you said plus many more. It is an individual thing and it changes the longer the person is involved with the narcissist.
      There were times |I stayed because I wanted to prove I loved him unconditionally, there were times I went back because I felt so sorry for him, other times because I had no money and thought I would leave as soon as I could put together enough money, there were times I thought God was working to keep us together and times I truly believed he had changed and then in the end it was because I had lost my will to live, fight or worry any more. I thought it was just the way we were and I had shut my feelings off and stopped reacting to his shit for the most part.
      The main thing we have to remember is; no matter what the reason is for staying, it is not good enough, there is no reason to stay with someone who treats you like crap. That is not love, they do not love you if they don’t respect you with honesty and kindness.

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      1. yeah exactly 🙂 every situation is different, just thought I link these videos here because they helped me understanding alot of the mechanics behind narcissism and also co-dependency and all those little things that made me doubt myself alot, like it was so twisted in my head that quite many times, I seriously considered the possibility being narcissistic myself (because my ex told me so, over and over again).
        I never went back to him, but I know the same reasons that were holding me to be with him for 7 years, could have been used as reasons to come back. Like that he kept me in a constant state of uncertainty and distress by jumping back and forth between “I love you, no matter what you do, let’s work this out” and “you bitch are trying to ruin me! I’m gonna ruin you before you can, because you deserve it!”
        not to mention the money situation I was in, by promising to give me “pocket money” if I would just do this last project for him, so I wouldn’t be without money when I leave him, but then he made me pay off all kinds of arbitrary “debts” he thought I have with him, leaving me with nothing -.-
        and now….I’m closing in to the 2 years anniversary of leaving him…I’m having nightmares, feel dizzy and can’t concentrate on anything right now.
        I don’t understand how it seems that I only found out about narcissists and the like, by running myself into ones arms, after years of suffering, instead of anyone talking about it. Even though they really don’t seem to be rare…..

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        1. Farelle, The nightmares etc are something I call a “healing crisis”. I had several of them and I actually thought I would never heal and \i had made no progress at all but it passed quite quickly. When we were with the N we buried a lot of the pain as a defense/survival mechanism; we couldn’t absorb it at the time because we just were not strong enough, our minds could not cope at the time. As we heal our mind releases more of the buried pain when we are strong enough to deal with it. In order to fully heal you must relive the relationship with the knowledge you now have about the truth of the relationship. Your mind is trying to sort through the information and deal with it and file it. It is a good thing believe it or not.
          I think narcissism is a relatively new disorder, although it has been around for decades no one knew what was wrong with these people. The victims kept quiet out of shame and guilt and they probably stayed and suffered. \now with the internet a whole new world has opened up and all these victims can find support and realize it is not them. They are not crazy.
          I know I am still amazed at how many victims, and consequently narcissists are in the world.
          Hang in there, you are getting better and you will get through this healing crisis and be stronger and lighter on the other side of it.
          Hugs

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