No One Understands The Connection We Have

reaching out

The internet can be a wonderful thing. Before the internet victims of narcissistic abuse suffered alone, thinking they were crazy. Now we can find support and caring from strangers on the other side of the world who never would have known exists a couple of decades ago.

I didn’t know Narcissists even existed and then when i did find some information on them I went into denial. At the time I went looking for answers to why he was acting the way he was there wasn’t a whole lot of information out there. I would put a search term like, “My husband acts like he hated me” or “He loves me one day and hates me the next” . I would go on a site and there would be a list of traits and James would have most of the traits but he did’t display them 100% of the time. Any support forum said to leave him and go no contact. The people on these sites were so hate filled and seemed to be able to easily walk away and I knew they didn’t understand the connection James and I had. They didn’t understand how strong our love was.

After all a love like this doesn’t come along everyday, you don’t “Just walk away” from a love that strong. James. I wanted answers on how to make it work, I didn’t want to leave him!

There were certain traits that just didn’t fit James, for one thing I knew he really loved me and he had never cheated on me. I knew he was incapable of making love or saying I love you to any other woman. The guilt would eat away at him, he was always honest with me. We had tried to break up but there was a force stronger than either of us pulling us back together. Every time we broke up he was miserable, I was sure he was hurt from his past experiences with those psycho bitches from his past and the intense love we had was scaring him and he was trying to push me away so he wouldn’t get hurt again. I was sure that if I stuck with him and proved to him I was not like all the rest one day he would realize my love was pure and true and let me love him the way I wanted to.

Our love making was always intense and when he did come to bed we held each other all night. When my head was on his chest I felt like all was good in the world, I was right where I belonged. As long as I coud put my head on his chest at night I could get through anything.

When we broke up I couldn’t breath. We would have a fight about something and storm out of the house saying it was over, he wanted me out. I would be a basket case, cry all day and either I would call him sobbing or on the rare occasions I was able to stay strong and not call, he would call me and in his sweet voice he would ask how I was. Inevitably I would start to cry and he would say, “Awww Baby, I hate it when you cry. Where are you? I will come and get you.”

The touch of his hand, him leaning in and giving me a kiss, him calling me Babe or Baby, saying “I love you” was like a drug, it calmed me. I had never been more sure of a love for someone in my life.

As things got progressively worse I clung to his lies and the more I lied to myself, the more I adjusted my “deal breakers” the more I accepted the more I had to lie to myself and the more self respect I lost. I gave up everything for a false love, I put everything in the basket of James, he was my future, I had invested everything, I couldn’t leave him now.

Near the end he stopped trying to hide his infidelity, he stopped making love to me, saying he loved me and I had resigned myself to the fact that I loved him and come what may I was not leaving him again. I became numb, I didn’t like me, I didn’t feel loved and I felt helpless to change anything.

And in the end, he was absolutely everything I had ever read about narcissists and more, he was a pathological liar, a cheater, abusive, he bled me dry of every penny he could and he tried to destroy any chance I had of getting back on my feet. I was so sure he would never be able to treat me that cruelly; but when they are done with you they toss you aside like yesterday’s garbage without a backwards glance. They HATE you and make sure you know it.

So if you are thinking you have something special, a connection that no one else can understand; you are not alone, every other victim has felt the way you do. I am sorry to break it to you, but you are not special and if you stay with him or go back to him , you WILL experience the ultimate discard eventually or you will live a life of walking on egg shells, never able to please him, never able to express any feelings, enjoy anything, count on him for anything except that he won’t be there for you, your friends will all drop off, family will get sick of hearing about it, you will lose your job and become dependent on him.  His resentment will become more obvious and the good times will get fewer and farther apart until there are no good times. You will stop reacting or confronting him on anything because it will be pointless and you don’t want to fight and defend yourself any more. You will shut off your feelings just to survive and you will pray he kills you because you can’t leave and you know you are dying inside bit by bit.

Don’t wait until you have nothing left of yourself. All narcissist end up following the same script but they do it at different speeds. Some can go through the steps in a few months, others it takes years; but you can be sure, they all have the same MO.

I started this blog when I was at my absolute lowest time of my life in hopes that by sharing what I was going through some other woman would find my blog and know she was not alone or crazy. I had no idea how many victims there were out there. At first I was afraid to share some of the stuff that happened because it sounded so crazy and like something out of a movie but the more I shared the more people were saying, “OMG that happened to me too.”

I don’t have access to the internet on a regular basis any more and I can’t always respond to comment, but there are enough people coming here now there is usually someone who will comment and offer support.

It was April 2011 that I wrote my first post hoping just one woman would be saved by me sharing my experience and to make myself accountable. I thought I could’t very well kill myself after declaring to the world I was going to survive a narcissist and start over with nothing. I am so grateful to everyone who has visited these pages and support me, support each other and made it what it is today. A safe place for victims of a narcissist to come and find answers and support. It has become something so much bigger than I ever imagined and touched more people than I ever dreamed.

Keep speaking out, and even if I am not here as much as I would like and can’t reply to comments, know that I am here in spirit and care about everyone here.

Thank you to everyone for your support and for your efforts here to help those that come behind you. By sharing you are helping those who come behind you looking for answers, know that you are making a difference just by being here and your experiences were not in vain.

Peace, love and serenity to you all!!

Hugs

Carrie

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34 thoughts on “No One Understands The Connection We Have

    1. Dawne

      This literally described how I feel/felt 100% – thank you for validating me by sharing your story. Our stories are almost identical.

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    2. Diane

      Hi,

      I have been reading this blog for the last couple of weeks. I live in the UK and there isn’t alot of info over here:- I was with my ex for 18 years (celebrated our anniversary 2 months before being discarded). The usual de-value (i can’t believe how sterotype they are) took place, which was a total mind f***, and completely out of the blue…I had never heard of narcissistic/psychopath prior to it happening to me, although i always figured that there was something wrong. Pathological lies, outburst of anger, although he never hit me, i have my doubts about him hitting me in his sleep once????? I have done so much reading since being discarded, i now think he was pretending to be asleep and hit me in the face……. He put the house on the market without me knowing (Although we were together when it was bought, i was not able to go on the mortage at the time of purchasing it), had photos taken and allsorts whilst i was not there. I suspect that he manipulated MY daughter (he was her stepdad, but they got on very well, sadly at the expense of our relationship), He has since discareded MY daughter as his new girlfriend has two sons, so he has decided to pick up where he left 18years ago with his own son from a previous marriage. There was a marriage before that by the way with another two kids discarded and no contact. I think my daughter feels sick with guilt (she is 23 years old and moved out a week before i was discarded). I think she has finally realised that he used her to get what he wanted…. which was totally destroying me…. i have no home, he took my car of me and i am currently living at my sisters house on an airbed in their dining room. Thankfully i have wonderful family and amazing friends, and i wouldn’t be here today if it weren’t for them. My daughter reached out to me the day after i moved out of the house, after i sent her a text to tell her that i loved her…. She sent me this blood curdling reply “At least someone does”…. It was then that i learnt that she had been discarded…. I know the pain that i went through and am still going through, so to realise that my baby girl was going through it is heartbreaking all over again. I went “no contact” the day i moved out of the house…. I understand that this is all a process of grieving that we need to go through, doesn’t help when you pass your ex with his new victim, and he makes a point of waving to you….. I am considering that i need to move away completely so i know that i am able to get over this absolutely devastating experience without him lerking in the backround. I have already had the dating emails……. texts….. and witheld phonecalls on the landline, which get put down as soon as i pick them…. i need to be totally free…. i realise that this will take a long time to get over this but i will do it…. for me and for my daughter… we can heal together. Take care all and you will get through this xx

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  1. tryingtostartoveragain

    Well my dearest sister Carrie, it’s now my 4 year anniversary being free after 27 long years with the narcopath. I’ve been No Contact for 3 years. It has been a long, hard road! I still have anger over him leaving me with the kids and the clothes on our backs. He has had no contact with the kids by their choice, they changed their cell phone numbers. The worst part is the financial devastation we suffered. Other than that, I am so over him. We are moving on ad starting to enjoy the things he never would let us enjoy before. We have grown as individuals and the narc remains the same. I have seen a bit of karma that has hit him…no, I don’t feel the least bit sorry for him either. Happy Healing! Love you!!!

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  2. john

    I know this is a female-male discussion but I am going through the same sort of thing
    I have a best friend but everyone tells me he is a toxic parasite and to have nothing to do with him. I seem to always be paying. One moment he is saying to me that I am the best friend he has ever had and the next he wants nothing to do with me. Its truly doing my head in. I tried no contact for 3 weeks but because we live in the same building its hard to not see him, oh and of course its my fault that we weren’t in contact for 3 weeks because he has no phone credit. How do I get over it, I get so depressed when I dont see him, the feeling is really awful

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