The Psychopath’s Uncontrollable Need to Control

I received this message the other day.

“Hi, I’ve never commented but this blog has really helped me come to terms w my own abusive relationship. I’m still pretty traumatized and don’t really know how to help myself but I’m learning all I can about cluster b disorders…I frequent a site called psychopath free and I just read a new member story, a male named jimmyc1963, from about one week ago. Carrie, I’m almost positive it is your ex. There are so many details about you, your son, references to trucks and hauling scrap metal…plus he gives himself away by saying you’re the narc and have created a blog and have a lot of followers…it’s disturbing and I thought u should know. I’ve benefitted greatly from this blog and its infuriating to have your abuser paint himself as the victim. I’ve been there so many times…thank u for all the love and compassion u show 💜”

Of course I can’t possibly know what James is thinking, for one very obvious reason; he is crazy and I am not. But if I take all I have learned about psychopath’s and narcissist, I can come pretty close to where his head is at.

While with James he had managed to get me totally in his control. When he found his new supply I was a grovelling, begging, fool, pleading with him to not leave me and he thoroughly enjoyed telling me I was worthless, it was all my fault and I didn’t deserve to live because no man would ever want me. I am sure he thought I would either kill myself or curl up in a corner waiting and praying he graced me with his presence again.

He took his sweet time, a full year but he did pop back into my life, immediately after proposing to his new victim. With her secured he was free to come back to me and try to suck me back into his toxic web, he was ready to introduce triangulation into his new relationship. After all, he couldn’t let her get too comfortable now that they were engaged. He needed reassurance he was still her priority and what better way to do that than instill jealousy and insecurity. He could play me against her and her against me; Narcissist just love, love LOVE triangulation; nothing screams “YOU ARE THE MAN!!’ quite like two women vying for your attention and love.

He gave me the same speech as he had the last 3 times he begged his way back into my life (they are so oblivious to how a person’s emotions work and lazy, that they don’t even think about the fact that they are using the same script on the same person over and over again. If it worked once it will work again). I was dumb when he showed up, I listened to his spiel and it set me back in my recovery but I did not succumb to it this time. Thank the good Lord!!

He took all the blame, said I had done nothing wrong and it was him and he was so sorry. He loved me, didn’t I know that? Didn’t he tell me? (heard it all before). When I didn’t believe him he did a complete 180 and it was my own fault for him hurting me because I took him back and when that didn’t work he just started slandering me and trying to destroy my life.

Once a psychopath or narcissist has “owned a person; they expect that person to be waiting for the narc to need them again, the victim is not supposed to go on with their life.

The other thing I have done to piss James off is I have exposed him for what he is. I know what he is and he can no longer put doubt in my mind. In the past all he had to do was say he loved me and he didn’t do what I thought he did and I would back down, doubt myself, and he would be back in control. He can no longer do that and if there is anything a narc hates it is not being able to control the victim.

If there is one thing a narc hates, it is being exposed for what they are, after all their whole life is a very delicate, intricately woven web of deceit; someone going on the internet and telling the world what he is could destroy his web. He is too self absorbed to realize that no one would ever find my blog unless he told them about it. A normal person who was so happily involved with their soul mate would laugh at my blog and go on with their life, knowing it would never affect them and the worst thing they could do is to advertise it everyone they know. Just as I ignored his blog about me and I am ignoring his comments on Psychopath Free, a site, by the way; I consider to be one of the best blogs on psychopaths. The only thing I did do was to notify admin on the site of his username and that he is a psychopath and I am afraid some unsuspecting victim of a psychopath might fall in love with him.

(On a side note* I find it very interesting that people who don’t like what I have to say follow my blog. If you don’t like what I write, even if it is about you; especially if it is about you; STOP reading it!!)

So anyway, we have determined he is pissed off about losing control, being exposed, and not being able to pull the wool over my eyes any more, there is one thing left that would eat away at him like a cancer; I have over 2100 followers and close to 2 million hits. THAT would irk him to no end. How dare I get attention and a bit of notoriety that doesn’t benefit him. He has had blogs for 10 years and never got even one follower, he would HATE that I have some popularity and people believe me. In his mind it is the ultimate defiance on my part and it is glaring proof he did not do his job; he did not destroy me, I did not kill myself, I am not laying in a puddle waiting for him to give me some crumbs of my dignity back. He under estimated my back bone and strength and no narcissist wants to admit that.

The fact that I don’t give a shit about him over shadows every relationship he will ever be in; he can’t figure out why or how I managed to survive. He worked years trying to destroy me……. he won’t rest until he finishes the job he started. He can’t move on, it has been over 5 years and all he can see is; I am getting attention and he isn’t; he did his best and I am not destroyed. His last ex rank herself to death at least; I have a whole lot of nerve not playing by his rules.

Once they set their sites on a person, they become obsessed with winning that person over. I remember when James would meet a new friend, he would obsess with them, they became the expert on everything, he called them a couple of times a day. It was kinda creepy, like he was gay or something because he treated male friends much like he treated me when we started dating. All of a sudden the new friend took precedence over everything else. I always knew when he had a new woman in his sites because he couldn’t help but obsess about them, talk about them, stalk them on the internet, brag about them and leave pictures where I could find them.

When we got back together the last time he had several woman on the hook; (all the while promising me total fidelity) he would be with me and constantly on his phone. I found messenger conversations between him and some woman who had gone away with her girl friends for New Years Eve. It was so obvious by his messages that he was terribly jealous and concerned she might hook up with some guy while she was partying. He found his ex from 15 years prior and tried to pull her back into his web and I found the messages between them and it was the same thing; he was so concerned about what she was doing and yet he was with me and telling me I was all the woman he would ever need. When he was trucking he had at least 4 of us on the line. He would call each of us every night and he wrote in his blog that Marita was having a male friend stay over night and she had promised James she wouldn’t sleep with him and James was saying, “She had better not!” yet he was on his way to be with me.

It doesn’t make sense to a normal person, but to a narcissist it doesn’t have to make sense; they just have to be getting all the attention all the time; what is fair makes absolutely no difference to them.

So remember this when the narc comes crawling back in a year or 15 years; it has nothing to do with you, nothing!! except for the fact that he views you as a possession that he can lay claim to any old time he wants. It has nothing to do with him loving you, needing your special supply, realizing how good he had it, or even that things have gone sour with the new supply. It only has to do with his uncontrollable need to control.


8 thoughts on “The Psychopath’s Uncontrollable Need to Control

  1. Kathy

    Carrie, you are so right, they all make you out like we are the psycho ones, the crazy, selfish cruel ones etc. but that’s because they don’t like it when we rebel and not behave like their objects anymore.
    I also agree with what you said about them meeting a new person, another guy and wanting to win them over so much that they keep ringing them and wanting to hang out with them like they are gay, my guy did the exact same thing, very weird, while he ignored me as he knew he had me where he wanted me.
    Well no more, 7 months on and doing great, thank god I didn’t get sucked back when he wanted to be ‘my friend’ about 3 months ago!
    I’m still going for counselling and trying to heal all the damage he did to me in 4 years but slowly and surely I’m getting there, thanks to blogs like yours.
    Hugs xx


  2. survivednarc

    Everything you describe is so exactly the way that I experienced it, too. *Shudders*
    I remember one of the last times Narc had begged me to come back, he was so lonely, blah blah. I came to his house to talk etc. Took a sneek peek at his phone….. he was in contact with at least 5 different women, the previous weeks (the same time he was begging me etc). One of them was his “friends with benefits” and the others he seemed to have for online flirtations (back-ups). It makes me sick to think about it. You are so right…. get out, stay out, is all that matters, when it comes to a narc relationship. Thanks for sharing! Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. So Sad

    Hello Carrie 🙂

    It’s been a while since I posted , but I still read your blog. It’s helped me understand so much & I thank you for that . x

    I’m also signed up to psychopath free & will be keeping my eye out for any posts by jimmyc1963 & warning other users of him potentially being James .

    This is it with online forums, you have to take people at ” face value”
    While I appreciate that men are as much victims of a narc as women , they hold no boundaries in their ” search” for new targets & where better to find them than on a forum where genuine victims of narcissistic abuse are trying to heal .

    It’s a common theme because they know their potential targets are vulnerable .
    Much the same with online dating sites . Narcs are well known for using them to snare the next potential ” target ” It’s easy prey . Whereas any run of the mill person will engage in trivial conversation a narc will ” charming & eloquent ” They will never come across as anything but that .
    And so jimmyc1963. If you’re reading , which I’m sure you will be . I’ll be watching & hitting the report button .:)

    Liked by 1 person

  4. debbie

    Having a “conversation” with a narc always draws the same words in my head. How many has anyone else said?? nutbucket, crazy, insane, weird, cookaroo, delusional, etc.

    He told me that apologies don’t mean anything. That was after i had apologized for my behavior and i corrected the behavior. Done. I never did that behavior again. problem solved. and i became, nicer, as well. more thoughful.

    When he owes me an apology, which are many, I rarely get one. And, if i do, his behavior just continues. So, the difference between a sincere apology and a fake one is the dofference between a normal person and a psychopath.

    A normal person means it, understands what they did and promise to not to it again and doesn’t do it again.
    The narcissists doesn’t mean it, doesn’t understand what they did wrong and keeps doing it.


  5. revengestar

    DISAGREE. that is a narcissist, not a psychopath! for psychopaths control is a mean to obtain a goal, while for narcissists control IS the goal. Please don’t sag us together, i refuse to be considered the same as them.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Michaela

    I feel like I found my seperated at birth twin soul flame sisters/ tribe members.
    I escaped once, but got hoovered back in. I am working on my next attempt but its so freaking complicated, and i have two daughters. I am in a precarious place where i am balnced on the razor edge of Determination and Utter Despair.
    I am going to follow you all for inspiration and strength.
    I send you all love.



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