When Will The Narcissist Finally Stop Trying To Hurt Me?

I received this comment the other day on the blog:

“When my ex N could no longer get away with lies n hidden behaviors easily because I saw behind his wall… Porn addiction, gambling, alcohol, voyeurism, maxed out credit cards, and debt close to $25,000… The mask came off and I saw evil beyond my wildest imagination. He hated that I wouldn’t marry him. I wanted to b together but wouldn’t marry him bc of all the red flags. The things he said n did to me would make the devil cringe. I never knew how evil a person could be.
He walked out leaving me under the impression he would work on his anger n addictions (while I worked on my issues) n be back. Four months later he moved in w a woman 15 yrs younger then me who had 4 kids and specific sized body parts I lacked. Four months later he retired n married her. He proceeded to take her on trips to the same places we went, out to dinner to our favorite places, etc.
How do you handle when he appears to b doing all the things he knows will b excruciatingly painful to me… All those special things that I thought were real to us, doing them now w the next woman, his wife.
I’m fairly sure he won’t b back. I know too much.
How long will he continue to try to hurt me and make me pay for finding out who he really is and going NC?”

First of all, in answer to your question of when will he stop trying to hurt you? It’s been 5 years + and my ex is still trying to hurt me, the only thing is; I don’t give a shit any more so it isn’t working.

I think in most cases that is the way it goes, the narcissist will stop trying to hurt you when he no longer gets his jollies from it. When it no longer hurts you it will no longer be rewarding for him. Narcissists are motivated by other people’s pain, they get off on it, it makes them feel powerful to be able to cause pain in someone’s life, especially when they have figured out what they are.

98% of narcs almost immediately fall madly in love within  very short time or have the next victim hooked before they even leave the relationship, they invariably give the new woman everything the last woman wanted. Why?

  • to make the ex victim feel that it was their fault and wonder why he is so good to the new woman and giving her everything and more than what she wanted.
  • To make friends and family think it was your fault and not his, after all; look how happy he is with the new woman, what he says about you being a psycho bitch must be true.
  • His new relationship is still in the idolization stage, just like when you first met him, he is winning her over right now; don’t worry, when he no longer gets a reaction from you he will have to get it from someone and it will be her turn to ride the emotional roller coaster. I would bet it has already started whether she realizes it or not.

Can I ask how you know he got married and is doing all the things he is doing? Because if you have “friends” telling you these things, they are not being friends and you need to tell them to stop telling you about his life and new relationship. If they don’t stop, then you have to cut them from your life because they are not being true friends. If they are your friends why are they even talking to him? He will use any means possible to get information to you that will hurt you. If you are checking his FaceBook, then you need to block him on FaceBook and stop looking at any of his social media; he is making sure you hear only good things about him and his new woman and you are only hurting yourself by looking.

I finally had to ask myself why I was setting myself up to be hurt. I knew that if I went on his FB I would see something that hurt me and I knew if I talked to certain friends they would tell me something that hurt me; so why was I doing it? and I stopped. I cut people from my life who didn’t respect my wishes to not hear about him, there are a ton of things people can talk about without talking about him and how happy he is.

I would not discount him trying to come back to you at some point down the road, it won’t be out of love or remorse, it will be to see if he still can, even knowing you know what he is, that would be even more fun, if he could suck you back in. But one thing for sure, he wants you to be miserable and that means that if he thinks you are happy and moving on e he will try to bring you back down. He does not want you to ever be happy, once you have been owned by a narcissist they expect you to be their life long punching bag and to never have anything good in your life. He wants to know that he depleted you of ALL your resources, financial, emotional and mental, support network, job, house……….you name it, he wants it all.

You are best to put as much space between you as possible and make new friends, move, whatever you can to keep him from knowing what is going on in your life.

Believe me, I prolonged my agony for over a year and I regret it; if I were to do it over again, I would have cut all ties and gotten as far away as possible. There is this sick satisfaction we get from knowing he is trying to hurt us, like it signifies that he still cares if he is still trying to hurt us. We have to get it through our heads that it is not love, it is not caring, we are not in competition with the new woman, he is one sick MOFO and we need to protect ourselves any way we can.


12 thoughts on “When Will The Narcissist Finally Stop Trying To Hurt Me?

  1. Gene Deener

    I cut everything off totally. I fell off the wagon once and saw her and the new guy on her previously private Instagram. Sucked the air right out of me. Still does 18 months later. Don’t do it. Block, delete, erase, rinse, repeat. It’s not worth it at all. Leave them alone, don’t look, don’t speak, just don’t. Fortunately there’s been no hoovering attempts and I’m ok with that. I do still think of her and I’m sad still at times but I will get over it. They won’t.


  2. sissy

    That was a very good article..i recently left and went n.c…and just yesterday blocked him and the women who kept texting him non stop..it feels like you lived in a crazy dream/nightmare…you doubt why you left.did all that stuff really happen ? and when the narc smiles at you and is oh so sweet as only they can be you FEEL crazy!! and then you snap and realize WHY you left and the pain overtakes the second of happy and you shake your head and know you are better off. NOT knowing what they are up to is the scary part esp. when you have seen the hate they are capable of..stay strong Gene Deener …its taking me a long time also..the fear is the worst part for me…but it CAN be done…


  3. julie

    my ex has taken my son off me for no reason and got a recovery order to take th my lovin child off me and he has also talked to my other 2 children who are adults and they will not alk to me at all. I haven’t done anything to deserve this treatment from them and they hav even done affivates against me that didn’t even happen and it was his lawyer who drew them up by herself and added more stuff that they didn’t even say or I did and his lawyer has lied a lot in them abt me which was a real shock to read them and these 2 children are from my first marriage so they are not related to my ex brett. now he has taken my 7 year old off me due to movin back to my home town only 1 hr and half from the farm and its over me movin back to family and friends support and to get away from his evil life and controlin me. now I am back in court fightin to get my son back in my life again to come back to th place where he was born so he be safe in my care. I just don’t understand these ppl if they don’t want u in their lifes they should move on but till he gets what he wants then I got to be on my own and fight hard for my child which is so wrong. I am very lonely now and I still get to see my son every second weekend and half of th school holidays till th family report gets done this year and then court case will be heard in October, my 7 year old is already playin this game since he is been put in his care and I am so worried for this child as he is abused this child in 2015 and th ex didn’t get charged at all and now he is verbal abusing him on th farm again, I am so angry at th ex to use our child as a porn against me to get control of me. I am deep fear for my child and I don’t know if I should walk away and move right away from here and stop this game he is playin then my son might be free of th abuse but I be the one looked at I am th bad parent because I left my child with him if he is so bad what I am sayin abt him. I am realy scared for my sons safety.


  4. Only Me

    Best thing you can do is to never give these people any reaction. At 5+ years post d&d, I’m not sure my ex even thinks about me anymore. Don’t care if he does. My thoughts are generally far, far from thinking about him. I’m dealing with stage 4 cancer, and another failed relationship…so he’s actually way down on my list of priorities.

    I’ll admit that from time to time, out of mild curiosity, maybe once a year or so…I’ll unblock the ex long enough to take a quick peek at his wall. Last I had of it, he’d pretty much deleted everything. Then I block him quickly again. LOL. Early on during that first year I did check with the county clerk when he’d mentioned being married to his current victim. No license ever issued! All a load of BS. But I never ever contact him or in any way indicate doing any of this. So he has no way of knowing what I do or don’t do.

    In other words, don’t feed the beast! He gets nothing for trying to play any games with me…I maintain strict silence on my end! I do know that silly woman gave him co-ownership of all her financial holdings, but that’s on her. Yes, i did check with the county recorder of deeds office. But that too was early on. Nothing since, I’m too busy dealing with cancer to care about much else anymore! Most of the time, he’s just not in my thoughts anymore…but it’s reading the narc blogs that seems to bring those memories back. It doesn’t hurt me anymore.

    I wish everyone all the best. Take care of yourselves. It does get better!


  5. Maria

    My daughter is dealing with somebody like this. When she tries no contact, he will send her friends seemingly friendly messages. He’s slept with most of them, and turned many friends against her somehow. The messages seem innocuous but give her a panic attack. She says nobody understands, and he does tell people she’s crazy. Her friend blocked him, and now she’s afraid he will retaliate. The level of anxiety she develops doesn’t make sense to people.

    She says she would love to just ignore and dismiss him, but says her brain has been conditioned to panic with just the thought of him. She said a part of her feels she needs to have an idea of where he is and what he is doing so she can protect herself by avoiding him. She has been ostracized by her childhood group of “friends” because of him and has learned to accept that, but I still really dislike the situation. He was her first boyfriend and I feel like she was traumatized. Is he somehow dangerous and nobody knows it? We live in a big city that has very tight networks of people with move in small circles. It is inevitable to run into people you know. She doesn’t want to come home from college. Is there something I can do to help her or advise her?

    When will she stop having such a fearful reaction to him? I told her she needs another boyfriend, just a nice one. Lol I think she is afraid of that too. The situation kills me. I feel like even she doesn’t realize the extent of the damage that was done to her head. None of it is normal.


    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Maria, I don’t want to scare you but your daughter has every reason to be afraid and concerned for her safety. “Findind a nice guy to date” is not the answer. Doing that cluld very well drive her ex into a jealous rage. He may not have treated her right but he stil, doesnt want any other man to have her.
      She needs to cut him from her life on all fronts, as do her friends and that includes blocking him on social media, changing her phone number if necessary. Please download the Safety Plan at the tlp of the blog, it contains any useful ideas on how to stay safe when leaving an abusive relationship.
      She is not going to “just get over this”, she needs to have your support and for you to not minimkze wnat she is feeling. If her gut is telling her she is in danger she and you need to trust her gut instincts.
      Under no circumstances should she ever meet with him any where to “just talk” no matter what he says or promises. I mean it!!!
      She needs to cut any friends who are in contact with him out of her life. It probably is a good idea if she doesnt co e ho e from school for awhile.
      Tell her about this site, we will be happy to support her emotionally and give advice.
      75% of domestic homicides (that includes dating) happen within 2 years of the relationship ending.
      Good luck.


    2. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Maria, one other thing. Her brain is trained to think about him and she has to develop new pathways in her brain. It is like being brainwashed. They licken the abuse of a nar issist to what POW’S go through.


  6. nothispuppet

    This article was spot on and just about right on time. Over a year of his charm, charisma and in hindsight, manipulation, until his next victim enters the picture (unbeknown to me at the time) leaving me to suffer through about 4 months of push and pull, lies, more manipulation, hurt, tears, apologies and more lies, smh. I can’t say there were no red flags, I had fallen for a married man, I know thats a problem on its own but I got hooked in by him… seriously. I am 50, he is 32, (his new victim is 21). I am always attracting men in the same age group and I’m generally attracted to then as well so our age difference didn’t seem to be a problem, though it may have been, or part of it. He said al the right things the day before swearing he never said them. He had me twisted up and spun out, hurting then happy then hurting again, until finally it blew up and now he claims to hate me. He uses the exact words of adoration I said to him (words he never used before) to explain his deep connection to the new victim of 4 months, the same person he bashed every time we spoke except when he is mad at me. He said he fell in love with me then the next day he says he didn’t. The roller coaster ride had me sick, I didn’t know how I could handle the emotional change up my heart, head and body would go through form moment to moment… and of course, everything was my fault and he wished me dead. He found a couple sweet notes I had left scattered for him to find and felt the need to text me ugly words accusing me of stalking him, I quickly explained that they had been left before he flipped switches on me, he will be finding more later lol. I cannot understand why I still FEEL like I love him when I can clearly see he is no good for me. If I’m honest I want him to try to reach me, I don’t want to hurt anymore though but I know that is all he will contact me for, if not at first, it will definitely result in hurt. The pull of these types of men or people is insane. I blocked him only today after a very long string of text messages that result in nothing but energy wasted on time that could have been and should have been filled with no contact. I am moving to another state over this situation because I know his power over me and I can’t fight it in person if he tries to charm me again, which means I will be setting myself up to be hurt by him again. Even if he only wants to hurt me without the charm, I’m so vulnerable to him, I don’t know if I could just walk away without letting him do his damage, so I’m leaving. I’m not a weak woman, and I’m not a stupid woman, I’m just a giving woman and he zeroed in on the and ran with it. I’m now trying to figure out what I need to change in me to avoid attracting the same type of man again.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Nothispuppet, the way to avoid getting involved with another one is to listen to your gut. Set boundaries and don’t compromise on them. We all had a gut feeling and ignored it with the N, if we would have listened and trusted our gut none of us would have stayed as long as we did. We can’t avoid meeting them, but we have total control over whether we stay with them or not.
      Good luck and I hope you find much happiness and inner peace.



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