I received this comment the other day on the blog:
“When my ex N could no longer get away with lies n hidden behaviors easily because I saw behind his wall… Porn addiction, gambling, alcohol, voyeurism, maxed out credit cards, and debt close to $25,000… The mask came off and I saw evil beyond my wildest imagination. He hated that I wouldn’t marry him. I wanted to b together but wouldn’t marry him bc of all the red flags. The things he said n did to me would make the devil cringe. I never knew how evil a person could be.
He walked out leaving me under the impression he would work on his anger n addictions (while I worked on my issues) n be back. Four months later he moved in w a woman 15 yrs younger then me who had 4 kids and specific sized body parts I lacked. Four months later he retired n married her. He proceeded to take her on trips to the same places we went, out to dinner to our favorite places, etc.
How do you handle when he appears to b doing all the things he knows will b excruciatingly painful to me… All those special things that I thought were real to us, doing them now w the next woman, his wife.
I’m fairly sure he won’t b back. I know too much.
How long will he continue to try to hurt me and make me pay for finding out who he really is and going NC?”
First of all, in answer to your question of when will he stop trying to hurt you? It’s been 5 years + and my ex is still trying to hurt me, the only thing is; I don’t give a shit any more so it isn’t working.
I think in most cases that is the way it goes, the narcissist will stop trying to hurt you when he no longer gets his jollies from it. When it no longer hurts you it will no longer be rewarding for him. Narcissists are motivated by other people’s pain, they get off on it, it makes them feel powerful to be able to cause pain in someone’s life, especially when they have figured out what they are.
98% of narcs almost immediately fall madly in love within very short time or have the next victim hooked before they even leave the relationship, they invariably give the new woman everything the last woman wanted. Why?
- to make the ex victim feel that it was their fault and wonder why he is so good to the new woman and giving her everything and more than what she wanted.
- To make friends and family think it was your fault and not his, after all; look how happy he is with the new woman, what he says about you being a psycho bitch must be true.
- His new relationship is still in the idolization stage, just like when you first met him, he is winning her over right now; don’t worry, when he no longer gets a reaction from you he will have to get it from someone and it will be her turn to ride the emotional roller coaster. I would bet it has already started whether she realizes it or not.
Can I ask how you know he got married and is doing all the things he is doing? Because if you have “friends” telling you these things, they are not being friends and you need to tell them to stop telling you about his life and new relationship. If they don’t stop, then you have to cut them from your life because they are not being true friends. If they are your friends why are they even talking to him? He will use any means possible to get information to you that will hurt you. If you are checking his FaceBook, then you need to block him on FaceBook and stop looking at any of his social media; he is making sure you hear only good things about him and his new woman and you are only hurting yourself by looking.
I finally had to ask myself why I was setting myself up to be hurt. I knew that if I went on his FB I would see something that hurt me and I knew if I talked to certain friends they would tell me something that hurt me; so why was I doing it? and I stopped. I cut people from my life who didn’t respect my wishes to not hear about him, there are a ton of things people can talk about without talking about him and how happy he is.
I would not discount him trying to come back to you at some point down the road, it won’t be out of love or remorse, it will be to see if he still can, even knowing you know what he is, that would be even more fun, if he could suck you back in. But one thing for sure, he wants you to be miserable and that means that if he thinks you are happy and moving on e he will try to bring you back down. He does not want you to ever be happy, once you have been owned by a narcissist they expect you to be their life long punching bag and to never have anything good in your life. He wants to know that he depleted you of ALL your resources, financial, emotional and mental, support network, job, house……….you name it, he wants it all.
You are best to put as much space between you as possible and make new friends, move, whatever you can to keep him from knowing what is going on in your life.
Believe me, I prolonged my agony for over a year and I regret it; if I were to do it over again, I would have cut all ties and gotten as far away as possible. There is this sick satisfaction we get from knowing he is trying to hurt us, like it signifies that he still cares if he is still trying to hurt us. We have to get it through our heads that it is not love, it is not caring, we are not in competition with the new woman, he is one sick MOFO and we need to protect ourselves any way we can.