Staying No Contact, Starting To Date and Being Strong

Hello everyone!! Oh my, so much has happened lately and I really have to do a post bringing you all up to date. I have not had an internet connection so in all honesty I haven’t even been able to read most of the comments let alone respond or do a post but I have read enough comments to see that you all have kept things going and been supportive of each other and that is so heart warming to see.

I got an internet connection today for awhile and was reading comments. My reply to the following comment got so long I thought it was worthy of its own post; it covers so many of the issues many victims face after breaking up with a narcissist.

Here is the comment from “Janice” who used her full name but I edited her comment and erased her last name.

Thanks for your response and encouraging words. It means a lot to know there are people who understand what I’m going thru. He text me a couple of weeks ago wanting to know about 3 my grandson’s of whom he has never met but says they are also his. ( their not biologically). I tried to stay strong with NC but failed a few days ago. I gave him no information on them just told him that he needed to contact their parents. He started to argue and just wanted me to answer his questions. 2 of My grown children don’t like him and don’t talk to him the other tolerated him for me. So they’re not missing out. Anyway I feel bad for breaking NC. That was a few days ago and I haven’t heard anything sence. I felt good for a few days after, not missing him or thinking about him. It’s been 3 days…. now today He’s been heavy on my mind. I get this nervous feeling in my stomach right before he contacts me, so I think he’s going to try and contact me again. Ive change my number and asked my friends and family not to give it to him in the past and they all say they don’t like him and have no contact with him. But he always seems to get it so changing it this time I don’t think will help… I’m not computer or Internet savvy is there away he is finding me on the internet somehow and if so how can I stop him from finding out my number. So far to me he hasn’t been violent just annoying. Although he has bragged to me about being violent to his other victims he’s had in the 21 year off \ on relationship we’ve had. Can he turn violent. Towards me? And I’m thinking about seeing someone but I’m afraid of what he might do if he finds out, even though he’s moved on to another victim. I hope he will just leave me alone. The longer I go without him contacting me the better I feel. I feel so weak at times, i wish I was as strong as the others I read about on here. Your all an inspiration thank you all so much.

My reply

Janice, I am sorry I don’t have a constant internet connection and rarely get on here these days or I would have responded sooner. For one thing, (and I am going to change it the minute I finish my reply to you) use an alias when responding to anything on the internet. I am assuming that is your real name, even Janice is better, but drop the last name. Anyone can go into Google and do a search on your name and every place you have commented will appear. Janice is generic enough they probably would never find you, but with your last name you would be amazed at the information a person can get off the net.
I have learned the hard way that even people we trust explicitly will give the narc information on us, often without even knowing what they are doing. The narc is so cunning he has his ways.

Unless your number is unlisted he can find it on the net for sure. They can hack into your phone without even being any where near it. My ex called me from a number I didn’t recognize, I called back and that was all it took. He didn’t even answer but he was hooked up to the GPS on my cell phone. Tracking devices can be put on a vehicle in a matter of seconds, just walking past your car parked on the side of the road, it is magnetic and so small you would never see it.

If he was violent with someone in the past he will be violent again; whether it is with you or not depends on how long you want to play cat and mouse with him. I hate to break it to you but he will never stop torturing you; it’s too much fun for him, so it is up to you to not respond to any contact from him whatsoever and to cut as many avenues to get to you as you can.

The bigger question is, “Is your ex capable of murder?” They don’t have a conscience, they are capable of anything. Actually I was working on a post this morning called, “There is more than one way to commit murder”; nothing would feed his ego more than you committing suicide, becoming an alcoholic, dying of a heart attack……the stress of dealing with these soul suckers long term does horrendous things to a person’s health, I learned much too late. Very few victims realize the danger they are in at the time because the narcissist keeps them so off balance. You don’t start to see things clearly until you have been no contact for a few months, once you start to think with a clear mind you will wonder why you hung in as long as you did and you will actually fear contact from him because of the power he had over you to accept the unacceptable.

We all think that we have nothing to lose by meeting with him if he asks, we are only going to see what he has to say, or we tell ourselves we know what we are dealing with and we are going to wean ourselves off him. We are only kidding ourselves, every time you see him after you break up is like playing Russian Roulette; he probably won’t kill you, but how many chances are you willing to take, how many bullets are in the gun? A person can go years without ever showing any violence towards the person and still kill them you know? I bet that 80% of the domestic murder victims did not think he was going to kill her when she agreed to meet him to pick up her stuff, or just to talk, or when she was coming home one night and he was waiting by the door or when he rang the bell and begged to speak with her one last time. I have heard horror stories on here that would make you realize how you have walked into a potential death trap many times. I look back and realize how lucky I was because I was really stupid!

I think the only thing that has saved my life is that he knows if something happened to me my son would hunt him down and now that I have the blog he would be the first and only suspect.

You feel weak because your brain is telling you to call him, you think you need a “fix” just like a drug addict knows the drugs are killing him his brain is telling him, “But it will feel so good. Remember how good it felt?, go ahead, just take a little bit, I know you want to, no one will know.” You need to fight that urge just like an alcoholic quits drinking, like a heroin addict kicks heroin; one day, one minute at a time. To tell yourself that you will just see him for a few minutes or one phone call won’t hurt, is like a heroin addict telling himself that if he doesn’t stick the needle in all the way he is not using.

Don’t beat yourself up when you fall off the wagon, use it as a reminder that it may feel good for a day or two but you end up right back here every time. Seeing him doesn’t fix anything. The only way off this roller coaster from hell is to get off the ride and stay off. If you keep seeing him one of two things are going to happen; you will eventually get sick of it and stop because it is killing you and you have no life because you are consumed with him even years later and you will have dedicated MORE years of your life to an abusive asshole who doesn’t love you or respect you. Or you will get so weak and feel so hopeless you will just give in and let him walk all over you and you will tolerate any treatment from him because you have lost all self respect and will take any crumbs he gives you. Either way it is a pretty bleak future.

Write this down and read it every day:

The reality of the situation is, I was in love with a fantasy, there is nothing I can do to fix him or the relationship; he is a toxic, evil person and no amount of wishing, hoping or praying is going to change him. As much as I want/wanted the relationship to be loving, healthy and happy, it is not and I was not loved, happy or healthy while in it. I can still love the person I thought he was, my love was real and I need time to grieve the loss but I have to face the fact that it is over. I do not have any choice, to stay is insanity and setting myself up for more hurt. It may not be my fault for getting involved with him but now that I know what he is if I continue to keep him in my life I am choosing to stay with someone I know will abuse me and I can no longer blame anyone but myself.

It is not easy, you have to self counsel because you can go to your counselor and feel strong for a day or two, or come on here and have something really hit home for you; but there is going to be times it is just you and the phone or text message or he will call you and you need to talk logically to yourself and tell yourself the truth and not listen to your brain. You need to retrain your brain, it takes time and practice. He was working on brainwashing you for how long? 21 years? you are not going to erase that in a few weeks or months.

As for starting to date other men;
Oh please do not do that!! it is the absolutely worst thing you could do for yourself right now!!

You are a prime candidate for hooking up with another narcissist because you are feeling so low right now and think that another man is going to make you feel better about yourself and that is how a narc hooks his victims, by telling them how perfect they are and they are “the best”, their “soul mate” and then before you know it you are right back here and can’t figure out why you keep attracting narcissists.

Before you start dating again you need to heal and learn to set boundaries and get comfortable defending those boundaries. You need to know yourself intimately and love everything about yourself to the point that no one can ever make you doubt yourself again. You have to be so whole that you don’t feel a need for a man in your life to complete you or make you feel valued. You need to know your value so that no one ever makes you feel worthless. That takes time! lots of time. As long as you are thinking a new man is what you need; you don’t need to date. When you really don’t care if you have a man in your life or not; THAT is when it is time to start dating. When I say “don’t care” I am not meaning you have a hate on for all men and think they are all scum, I mean when you are at peace deep within yourself, enjoying life doing the things you love and the thought of sharing it with a man is nice but you really don’t want to have to compromise doing what you love, you like your freedom and don’t really want to give it up, when you get home to an empty house and eat whatever you want at whatever time and watch the movie you want to watch and you think to yourself, “God I love being able to do what I want and not have to worry about cooking for someone else or looking good for someone or cleaning house for someone or wondering why they are so quiet, grumpy, or if they are coming home tonight at all.”

I know you are going to think I am crazy but I recommend that a person not even think about dating for two years, after the last time they had contact with the N, not from when they broke up; because healing does not start until no contact starts.

He may be dating and found his “soul mate” but he is a sick soul vampire, who can’t love and doesn’t give a shit about other people and was never invested in the relationship. You on the other hand are not a sick soul vampire, you loved very much and were fully committed and invested in the relationship. Your heart was broken and your world turned upside down, you are suffering from ptsd, you don’t trust your own instincts and gut feelings, you have been told lies about yourself, been stripped of your self confidence, self esteem and you don’t even know who you are any more.

GIVE YOURSELF TIME TO HEAL!!!

figure out who you are, do not get involved with a man who you think will define you and give you value. Find your value BEFORE you find a man.

A normal healthy person does not rush to get involved again, they need time to lick their wounds. Remember, you are dealing with a sick sick man, do not compare yourself to him. No one can walk away from a relationship with a narcissist and not need time to heal.

Well, that is really long, I think I will make it a post all on it’s own.

Good luck and you know where to find us!

Oh! and one other thing; about the being strong part.

I went 2 full years thinking every day; “I can not do this one more day” and every day I went to bed thinking, “OK I made it through today, tomorrow is a new day.” and I would wake up and think, “I can not do this one more day.” When I realized that I had been saying it for like almost 700 days, I realized, “I guess I AM strong enough.” No one thinks they are strong enough to make it through, that is why it is so hard, if we knew we could do it, it would be easy; right?

I know you don’t see it as a blessing in any shape or form and can’t see how anything good could ever come of how horrible you are feeling; but in reality you are being given an opportunity that not everyone gets to rebuild yourself and become the best version of you that you can be. A person has to be torn down to nothing before they can put themselves back together, make this your time to become the best you can be.

Now, 5 years out and even with the struggles I still face financially I would not change a thing from the past because I have inner peace and confidence I never had before.

Breath!! Be Patient, and stop panicking thinking you are doing this healing thing all wrong, not fast enough or that you aren’t strong enough; you are here reading this, you are breathing, you are strong enough, or you wouldn’t be here now.

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15 Replies to “Staying No Contact, Starting To Date and Being Strong”

  1. Feeling defeated in my struggle to get thru another day I so appreciate you sharing this with all of us! It is still amazing to me that so many people are in my situation after being so isolated and feeling alone for years. I thought I was the only one that was going thru this. I am so happy that I found your blog and others like yours to help me get thru this. Thank you for all you do.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes I do however all of them are adults so there is no need to talk to him about anything. They have all chosen not to have a relationship with him because of the way he left.

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  2. Thank you Carrie!
    I am at almost 3 years from the discard grand finale. I stopped all contact shortly there after. I have read his letters, emails, texts, voice mails. My response is crickets.
    The only time I have seen him is when he has dragged me into court yet again. I do not look at him. I do not talk to him.
    My social circle is very small, but I have insulated myself from getting most information.
    Are things great? Hell no! But, I am no longer engaged or trying to interpret information or clues. That way lies madness even if you are not in direct contact.
    Just keep focusing on you and what you need. Practice extreme self love and leave the crazy far behind in the dust.
    Things are not perfect, but continuing to maintain contact or keep tabs will surely kill me.
    Peace and Love

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  3. I am no contact. it has been one whole year after being thrown away like a piece of trash. i would like to say that I have something to report back on. Anything really. Sadly I feel flat and empty; My smear campaign took place before a judge and half of our small town. Although I was cleared of all his outrageous accusations I am an outcast. Any friends, family, business associates etc stay far away from me. They have all seen or have been through the same abuse with him. No One dares speak to me for fear of retaliation. You see his social status as a doctor and his unlimited supply of money have abused many people. There are others who were bribed, blackmailed, paid off, threatened and put out of business during his tantrum period. I am all alone. If my house was paid for, I would move away. That is not an option for me. It is Mother’s Day. I havent seen his 3 little ones in a year. These are the 3 I reared all those years. Not him. Moving on happens no matter whether you choose to go along for the ride or not. I know my life did not technically end with him but yet my future is bleak. I am alone. He discarded my daughter 2 months ago. She had been with him 12 years. I always knew that day would come. I had to put the financial pieces back together for her. Now at age 59, he is openly screwing a 23 year old. She thinks she is secure. She will sadly find out the truth soon enough. There seems to be no real end to his abuse. It is exhausting. I come here for support. I have a Facebook page to read happy stuff. I have no identity for fear of more prosecution. I may be the only person who has no friends.

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  4. I broke no contact last night after having a few drinks, I text him, feeling like an absolute fool this morning, I was doing so well nearly 6 months of no contact

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    1. Even after a few drinks I wouldn’t try to contact him. Just think of what he would think and do after you contacted him, Why would you embarese yourself like that. Maybe you are angry and you would like to say something to him. That’s the problem. He is not normal. You cannot hurt him. You can only hurt him by leaving him and stay on no contact.

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    2. Hi Sue, You are not a fool at all. Remember he is the fool, just continue no contact from today on. Everybody slips up, and it is easy to… after a few drinks, alcohol can affect parts of the brain that affects your judgment and impulsive behavior. So next time you anticipate having a few drinks, let a friend hold your phone so you can’t text him again. Do what ever you have to so you can regain and keep the no contact. You will feel better, stronger, and eventually happier if you do. IMO

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    3. Sue, don’t beat yourself up!! we all, or many of us slip up; just get back on the no contact horse and ride into the sunset.
      Eventually you will stop for good because you won’t want to hurt any more. If you feel guilty and like you failed somehow you will be more apt to go back to him because you will feel you might as well, you can’t stay -away.
      YOU CAN DO IT! you did it for 6 months and you can do it for 6 months again, next time probably 7 months, or 8 months or 9 months. James contacted me after a year, well he showed up where he knew I would be and I saw him and could have kept driving. I didn’t have to stop but I wanted to know what he wanted, I thought I could handle it. But I was wrong and it opened up all the wounds again, and once that line of communication was opened up it was easier to continue contact. But it was what solidified no contact for me, it was my wake up call and I changed where I did business and truly avoided him like the plague. I could not go back to that cat and mouse game again. Maybe you had to make contact one last time to really “get it”.
      Don’t beat yourself up, please. shit happens.
      Hugs

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  5. Thank you for the strong words. It might not have been what I wanted to hear but was exactly what I needed to hear at this point in my life. I thought I knew him better than he knows himself but I realize I really don’t know him at all. Other than what he is and what he does. He really is capable of anything. I decided not to start dating and canceled the invitation, I felt I just am not ready yet. And am still uncomfortable within myself. And the thought of it was scary. I’m afraid of getting into the same mess I just got out of. It does take time to heal and I’m not going to push it.. I have a long road ahead and frankly I’m looking forward to it. All the UPS and downs, fixing myself, getting to know me again.. No matter how hard it will be. I was a strong independent woman before he came into my life. It may take me a while and I know I won’t be the same person I once was but I’ll get there again and be stronger than I was before having survived everything he put me thru… Thank you again to all of you… WE ALL CAN DO THIS!!!!!!

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  6. Hello everyone….
    None of us are fools sue.. We shouldn’t think of ourselves in that way. We all slip up, do things we shouldn’t. We are human after all. We may be broken right now, but we can be fixed (unlike those who broke us). All we can do is start over from today.. There should be and is no shame in our game. We will win!!!!
    Brook Hart,
    this is the place to come for support. I’m relatively new to this whole idea of what I’ve been going thru for the last 21 years. Be thankful your out and your daughter to. I was advised to take it one second one minute one hour one day at a time that was exceptional advice. It’s gonna take time to heal. Be thankful for what you have( your life) you beat his smear campaign. He tried to ruin you but you won.. As for the ow, let her have him she’ll finds out what he is in due time. She’s young and being love bombed or maybe even using him for what he can give her. The feelings your experiencing will pass just give it time…..

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  7. Hello..am i sooo glad i came on here tonight, i just got a text from my ex N and i thought i was doing so well..i went and took a hot bath, went bk to my bedroom and my sons dog made a sudden noise in the other room and i nearly jumped out of my skin…: ( it’s been 3 months since i stole away while he was at work and i thought ( w absolutely no contact i did not answer the text ) that i was healing very well….my heart is pounding and i still look for his car if one passes thats the same type, not because i want to see him I DO NOT..just thought he no longer had any effect on me..boy was i wrong..someone else said they had a feeling when their Ex N was going to contact them and the last few days i have been sleeping w my t.v. on because i could not stand my own thoughts so i guess it’s true..Thank ALL of you so much!! i don’t feel so alone or venerable just knowing someone is there to talk to.or at : )..stay strong, love yourselves.and love bombed ?? No i no longer trust..but i will one day …….

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