My Site Accused Of Being Gender Biased

I received these two comments on one of my posts recently, they are similar to other comments I have gotten from men about my blog not being gender neutral and I shouldn’t refer to the narcissist as “he”, “him” etc

“too biased towards the male as the abuser, be more neutral, women are just as if not more subtle and cruel”

“I have a friend who works in support of victims of crimes. She held a workshop for male victims of sexual abuse. They face an unusual difficulty of how society faces them. It’s worth the extra work, in my opinion, to make these sites gender neutral when it comes to verbal abuse. We can’t stop abuse if we subtly give women abusers a bit of a free pass.”

My response was a little on the defensive side but I stand by my reply. I don’t want to appear unsympathetic to the male victim but it is not the men dying at alarming rates, it is the women and it is the young women being raped and abused by men at an appalling rate; which is most disturbing in this “enlightened” day and age of “awareness”. Even with all the campaigns to raise awareness the figures show more cases of abuse than ever before. Someone might argue that the rate has gone up because more women are reporting the abuse to the authorities, but that is not the case. What is even more disturbing is the number of reported cases of abuse has dropped a bit but the number of women murdered by their domestic partner has risen significantly!

So here is my reply

You speak like all the websites about abuse are written by the same “people”, a group or a “club” “These sites” are written by victims of abuse who hope that by sharing their story they save someone else from the same fate. There is no committee that decides what topics get covered or what gender is identified.

I am fully aware that there are female narcissists and psychopaths, as there are gays and transgender narcissists, they come in all shapes, sexes and colors and are in every corner of the world. I have readers from obscure tiny countries I didn’t even know existed. Any person regardless of gender who has come here has been welcome and supported but I write from MY experience.  I have done a lot of research pertaining to the topic of narcissists and psychopaths. I can not count the hours I have dedicated to supporting victims, on here, by email, by phone and even contacting the FBI to help a woman. I receive the occasional donation from a grateful follower of the blog but if I were to break it down to how much per hour I have made while I have had this blog it wouldn’t be a penny an hour.

I state in my Welcome page that I may refer to “him” but I mean him/her, that I am writing from my frame of reference. I don’t feel it is necessary to keep repeating myself. If there are no sites focused on the male victims maybe a male should start one, why should I be concerned that men get equal time? When a man wants to pay me to write posts focused on the male perspective I will do so gladly, but until that time, this is my blog, about my experiences in an abusive relationship and I share in hopes I save other women from the same torture I went through. That said, I was approached a couple of years ago by a woman who wanted me to write her book for her because she thought I wrote with such passion; I turned her down because I knew I could not write about her experiences with the same passion I write about mine because I can only guess at how the experience felt for her I don’t know exactly how she felt, just as I can not possibly know how it feels for a man to be verbally or physically attacked by a woman.

None the less, the problem is not an epidemic among the male population but it has reached epidemic proportions for women, a study done in Atlanta revealed it is the leading cause of death for women aged 15-44. When I read a headline of a woman being found murdered I immediately assume it was domestic homicide and I am never wrong, when it is a man murdered it is usually a male assailant and not related to the victim. What is especially horrific is the recent spike in the number of fathers killing his children as a way to retaliate for his ex leaving him.

Just for the record here are some stats for you:

Every 9 seconds a woman in the United States is assaulted or beaten

1 in 3 woman will experience domestic physical abuse in her lifetime, for men it is 1 in 7.

1 in 7 women and 1 in 18 men have reported being stalked by an ex to the point of fearing for their life.

1 in 5 women in the US has been raped in her lifetime, for men the ratio is 1 in 71 and that does not specify how many of the rapists who raped the men were men, ie: in prisons etc the rape stats are very high, but it is men raping men.

19.3 million women compared to 5.1 million men report having been stalked by an intimate partner in their life.

72% of all murder suicides involve an intimate partner, 94% of the victims were females.

Between 2003 and 2008 142 women were murdered in their workplace by their abuser.

In Canada a woman dies every 6 days at the hands of her male partner in the US it jumps to 3 women a day die at the hands of the man who says he loves her.

A few other fun facts:

The total number of American soldiers killed in Afghanistan and Iraq between 2001-2012 was 6488. The total number of women killed by her intimate partner during the same time frame was 11,766; nearly double.

85% of domestic abuse victims are female

A woman is 70 times more likely to be murdered within the first few weeks of leaving an abusive relationship

Only 25% of domestic abuse cases are ever reported to the police so the figures are more than likely low and doesn’t take into account things like cut brake lines, etc

14 thoughts on “My Site Accused Of Being Gender Biased

  1. Only Me

    It’s your blog and your feelings. You are not being paid by them to write. It’s not your job to entertain them Do what feels right and most natural to you! That’s what’s important!

    Liked by 3 people

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  2. Paula

    Never feel like you must apologize or defend your writing, your creations. To come to a blog like this and be a tyrant and accuse the author of being unsympathetic is preposterous and delusional. You’ve done more in a few years to help victims and survivors than those folks will ever accomplish in their lifetime. How can I be so certain of that? Because they’re wasting their time shaming people making a difference and not choosing to make a difference themselves. Their opinions don’t matter.

    Liked by 3 people

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  3. DJ

    I guess it must suck that most of us as it is statistically stated that 90$ of narc are men. Those that tell our story are woman and I guess he must deal with that. It is sad to be offended but it is what it is… I am sure many others will also feel as I do. I will continue with he since a he did what I say is done to me..

    Liked by 2 people

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  4. survivednarc

    Yes, apart from all the statistics that you said, (that show women are abused at a much much higher rate than men), it is also tru according to research that an overwhelming majority of all narcissists and psychopaths are men…

    That said, like you, of course I have sympathy and empathy for men being abused, by a narcissist woman or by any other person. But also like you, I am writing my blog from a personal experience with a male narcissist. But I also follow several blogs by men who suffered female narcissists… I think you are doing the right thing! Telling your experience. That is all we can do. 💜

    Liked by 2 people

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  5. fikalo [Fiona]

    Here in Australia there is a ‘coward punch’ law that was brought in as a direct response to the numerous deaths of young people, usually men in this case, who were killed in drunken fights. This is an important recognition of the dangers men in our culture face. At the same time, however, something like an average of 1-2 Australian women die per week from domestic violence and the vast majority of the murderers are men. Again, no one’s saying it doesn’t happen to men, or that women can’t be murderers too, though here at least the statistics show that in this context it is usually men killing women.

    Beyond that, it’s a false dichotomy to suggest that speaking to one specific issue is the equivalent of ignoring every other issue. If we all play our part in speaking to the ones we are passionate about, a lot more would be accomplished to make a safer world for everyone.

    Men who have been victims of narc abuse at the hands of a woman are more than welcome to register a blog to share their insights and struggles. I’m sure many of us would be interested in hearing their perspective. In fact it was my husband’s struggles dealing with the narcissist women in his family of origin that sparked my interest in learning about NPD abuse. Maybe one day he’ll feel strong enough to write about his experiences – and if he did it would be the male as victim and the woman as abuser, because that is his own point of view. But I can’t tell that story for him, because I wasn’t there for most of that journey. He would need to share it for himself.

    Liked by 1 person

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  6. Rainqueen

    so my thoughts are that MOST of the time in MOST domestic relationship men simply DO have the physical upper hand. SO women are most likely to be physically intimidated by men …… its a fact that men are larger and stronger and more physically muscled and so able to have the physical advantage over the women – WHETHER or NOT he is USING his physical prowess is NOT necessarily relevant. the fact is that both HE and SHE know that IF he wants to he CAN and in the abusive relationship – whether its physical or verbal or emotional and so on…… basically they underlying ‘tone’ is that HE is letting HER know that he CAN and he MIGHT or WILL use his physical prowess to harm her. Whether she is afraid because he is cornering her. or taking her keys or holding her down or pointing a finger in her face, right under her nose …. YES she can try to physically retaliate but they BOTH know that HE is in the position of power physically. Something like the way in society we are supposed to know the more powerful person or race or country or whatever… is supposed to use EXTRA caution with his power. if you have a special power over someone you are supposed to EXTRA vigilante in controlling your own powers because the mere fact you HAVE that power gives you MORE responsibility ….. hellooooooo MEN across the nations, across the centuries, across the races, across the poverty line to the super rich………….. POWER means you have MORE responsibility to control your powers……… rant finished for now….. MEN = bigger (90% of the time) – bigger = scarier and more intimidating and more physical prowess……… whether they use it or NOT. sorry men but I am not buying your story about abusive women.

    Liked by 1 person

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  7. Rainqueen

    wait i wasnt done….. the little fun fact about the men dying at war vs more than double the women dying in their home at the hands of a supposed lover has angered me……. MEN like killing machines, MEN like guns, weapons, hurting…… I guess they are born that way… not ALL but certainly I dont think there is any argument that MORE men than women, more boys than girls, are toying with guns, knives, weapons of all kinds……..MEN go to war, NOT women, WHY? WHY WHY WHY???? women arent asking them to, men are deciding this is a great idea ALL by themselves! no war has achieved much of ANYTHING really aside from a population cleansing and some really good stories. men like victimizing, its hardwired into them…. I am not sure how to rewire men to fit into today’s society, a time when unlike a couple 100 years ago, we dont need a man to protect us against a tiger, men dont need to go out and hunt wild animals to survive and for their family to survive, their violent, preying tendencies are not required, needed, nor appreciated in this world now….. what to do with men? can their dormant nurturing side evolve into something new and better?

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  8. Lindz

    Carrie,

    Plz allow me to give my 2 cents' worth to this issue. Unbaisedly acknowledging that we are of a patriarchal society; where the patriarch is Protector and the feminine juxtapose is supposed to be Nurturing; a sociological understanding environment that affirms basic human needs namely safety and physical needs being the basis and SELF-ACTUALIZATION being the pinnacle, how dare we not utilize, learn and express ourselves on this very blog from a gender-specific point?????

    I hate the word VICTIM but alas, I am one. I lived with a dirty secret from the age of 5 till I was 18.  I am a rape survivor. Raped by a known paedophile who probably still roams the streets preying on young girls. Time went on only for me to encounter domestic violence in my 20's. 30 really was Dirty! Beyond me! A Victim yet again to a Narcissistic criminal… a perpetual cycle of social inadequacy.

    One powerful statement that gave light to me this year is "What broke you, can't fix you"  Presently I'm on a quest to rebuild my Maslow's "Cracked" self-structure. The more women like Carrie talk, the easier it is for the rest of "us" to follow SUITE. Talking with your peers (in this case, female) creates a veneer of belonging, a growth-point assuring  more self (feminine) realization, vital to grooming assertive, self-aware future parents. Let such platforms be reference points to gender-specific; problem-specific; everyday social/domestic dealings and happenings.Take away the crown from VICTIM  and light your own fires Gents, LIVE and let LIVE! Time is of the ESSENCE.

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  9. Living for the future

    I think that it should be common sense that you are going to speak from your own, personal experience, as it is YOUR blog. So, naturally, the N you speak of is going to be male and that is what the context of your stories will be about, a man! I admire you for being able to keep on keeping on like you do and want to let you know you are truly an inspiration! I too think that it was nice and thoughtful of you to even reply to such comments. So……what I’m trying to say, thank you for all you do and exactly in the way you do it!

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  10. Farelle

    I’m pretty sure if a men would come here and ask for help, he would be welcomed with open arms. The accusations made towards you are actually none of their business, nor does it have to be your business and in my opinion you would not need to defend yourself against it, since it’s just bluntly making a gender issue out of something that shouldn’t be.
    Everyone who is victim of abuse can suffer and be killed. Everyone can be a narcissist. It doesn’t even need to be in any kind of romantic relationship, so why would someone bring gender into this context? It honestly sounds to me like someone just wants to be upset about something without having to actually change something about the issue they claim to have.
    Because if they would want to change what they complain about, they would go and encourage men to write more blog posts about their experiences or go and do it themselves, but bashing down someone for not doing “their” experiences is just ridiculous.

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  11. Lonely Father

    Hi Carrie.
    I think your response makes sense. You can only write from your point of view. What the other guys are probably not expressing well is the the feeling that comes across from reading “he” when gping through the article and distancing themselves grom the reality that it must have a gender based form to be somewhat relevant.
    I will not say the name as it was narcissistic in nature but one of the replies here shows no empathy for anyone and that helps no one. Men may be stronger, but are we not taught to love, respect and cherish our women. Then hoe is being stronger any help when your being abused. It goes against your nature to hit or push her, so you take it. But mentally it destroys you because you are just as helpless as any woman. This system is antagonistic and preaches political correctness while building walls between men and women and making an even greater batyle of the sexes than has ever existed.
    I am not excusing male or female behaviour. Abuse is wrong in any form. I was just taken to court yet again yesterday by my ex wife. They believe her lies and I cannot defend myself as I can’t afford it while the government throws $60,000 a year at her to live plus legal fees when she wants, plus lots of other help. My lawyer worked all day yesterday for free and explained how I must learn to deal with her as this will go on for another 20 years due to our kids. I was a wreck.
    My point is your writings are good, it is hard to read something as a man that -to get the point across – blames men.
    What doesn’t help is ones like the one who blame only men for our problems. This world is full of evil. Men and women. Please don’t add to any of our woes people by blaming 1 gender for the ills of the world.
    Otherwise we are no better than the parents who openly trash the other parent to their kids. We are destroying who we are at this point which made us unfortunately good enough people to be targeted by an abuser. Male or female.
    May you all take care on our journey to come through this with well healed scars.
    Thank you

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