My Site Accused Of Being Gender Biased

I received these two comments on one of my posts recently, they are similar to other comments I have gotten from men about my blog not being gender neutral and I shouldn’t refer to the narcissist as “he”, “him” etc

“too biased towards the male as the abuser, be more neutral, women are just as if not more subtle and cruel”

“I have a friend who works in support of victims of crimes. She held a workshop for male victims of sexual abuse. They face an unusual difficulty of how society faces them. It’s worth the extra work, in my opinion, to make these sites gender neutral when it comes to verbal abuse. We can’t stop abuse if we subtly give women abusers a bit of a free pass.”

My response was a little on the defensive side but I stand by my reply. I don’t want to appear unsympathetic to the male victim but it is not the men dying at alarming rates, it is the women and it is the young women being raped and abused by men at an appalling rate; which is most disturbing in this “enlightened” day and age of “awareness”. Even with all the campaigns to raise awareness the figures show more cases of abuse than ever before. Someone might argue that the rate has gone up because more women are reporting the abuse to the authorities, but that is not the case. What is even more disturbing is the number of reported cases of abuse has dropped a bit but the number of women murdered by their domestic partner has risen significantly!

So here is my reply

You speak like all the websites about abuse are written by the same “people”, a group or a “club” “These sites” are written by victims of abuse who hope that by sharing their story they save someone else from the same fate. There is no committee that decides what topics get covered or what gender is identified.

I am fully aware that there are female narcissists and psychopaths, as there are gays and transgender narcissists, they come in all shapes, sexes and colors and are in every corner of the world. I have readers from obscure tiny countries I didn’t even know existed. Any person regardless of gender who has come here has been welcome and supported but I write from MY experience.  I have done a lot of research pertaining to the topic of narcissists and psychopaths. I can not count the hours I have dedicated to supporting victims, on here, by email, by phone and even contacting the FBI to help a woman. I receive the occasional donation from a grateful follower of the blog but if I were to break it down to how much per hour I have made while I have had this blog it wouldn’t be a penny an hour.

I state in my Welcome page that I may refer to “him” but I mean him/her, that I am writing from my frame of reference. I don’t feel it is necessary to keep repeating myself. If there are no sites focused on the male victims maybe a male should start one, why should I be concerned that men get equal time? When a man wants to pay me to write posts focused on the male perspective I will do so gladly, but until that time, this is my blog, about my experiences in an abusive relationship and I share in hopes I save other women from the same torture I went through. That said, I was approached a couple of years ago by a woman who wanted me to write her book for her because she thought I wrote with such passion; I turned her down because I knew I could not write about her experiences with the same passion I write about mine because I can only guess at how the experience felt for her I don’t know exactly how she felt, just as I can not possibly know how it feels for a man to be verbally or physically attacked by a woman.

None the less, the problem is not an epidemic among the male population but it has reached epidemic proportions for women, a study done in Atlanta revealed it is the leading cause of death for women aged 15-44. When I read a headline of a woman being found murdered I immediately assume it was domestic homicide and I am never wrong, when it is a man murdered it is usually a male assailant and not related to the victim. What is especially horrific is the recent spike in the number of fathers killing his children as a way to retaliate for his ex leaving him.

Just for the record here are some stats for you:

Every 9 seconds a woman in the United States is assaulted or beaten

1 in 3 woman will experience domestic physical abuse in her lifetime, for men it is 1 in 7.

1 in 7 women and 1 in 18 men have reported being stalked by an ex to the point of fearing for their life.

1 in 5 women in the US has been raped in her lifetime, for men the ratio is 1 in 71 and that does not specify how many of the rapists who raped the men were men, ie: in prisons etc the rape stats are very high, but it is men raping men.

19.3 million women compared to 5.1 million men report having been stalked by an intimate partner in their life.

72% of all murder suicides involve an intimate partner, 94% of the victims were females.

Between 2003 and 2008 142 women were murdered in their workplace by their abuser.

In Canada a woman dies every 6 days at the hands of her male partner in the US it jumps to 3 women a day die at the hands of the man who says he loves her.

A few other fun facts:

The total number of American soldiers killed in Afghanistan and Iraq between 2001-2012 was 6488. The total number of women killed by her intimate partner during the same time frame was 11,766; nearly double.

85% of domestic abuse victims are female

A woman is 70 times more likely to be murdered within the first few weeks of leaving an abusive relationship

Only 25% of domestic abuse cases are ever reported to the police so the figures are more than likely low and doesn’t take into account things like cut brake lines, etc

14 thoughts on “My Site Accused Of Being Gender Biased

  1. Certified Fool

    I am a male who was “abused.” I now think of it as being re-parented by my ex. It was brutal at times but I know now that I was the catalyst for it. And I let it keep happening I could have left or stopped or distanced myself for awhile but I was not in that mindset. And she was not a narcissist. She was an adult survivor of abuse and I was too focused on me to realize how I was affecting her. And I learned from it and spent two years alone and am a better man for it.


    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Certified Fool, thank you for your comment. I agree with you that not dating for 2 years was probably the best decision you made. Too many victims of abuse jump back into the dating pool far too soon and end up repeating history over and over again.
      You are also right that victims have to accept some of the responsibility for the abuse, I am not blaming the victim because no one sets out to be abused and the narc puts on a really good act in the beginning but if we do not accept that we played some part in it we are saying we are helpless to ever have anything better. We will go through life depending on luck to find a person who will treat us well, and we have no control over being abused. That thought is awfully scary to me, and I could not accept it, I had to figure out how to avoid it ever happening again. But the narc is such a good actor and morph’s into whatever the victim wants so they are not to easy to detect at first. Studying their traits was not going to help me, I had to get to know myself inside out and accept myself just the way I am, develop boundaries and feel comfortable defending them if I was ever going to feel safe out in the world again.
      You say you were “abused” why the quotation marks? As for whether she was a narcissist or not, does it matter what label we put on them? abuse is abuse evil is evil. People come in here and want to know if their ex is a narcissist, and I always say, does it matter? he/she abused you, why would you stay with them? Narcissist has become the trending diagnosis for all ex’s it seems and it weakens the impact of how evil they really are. Mind you I think my ex is a psychopath, but all psychopaths are narcissistic, so when do you know your partner has crossed over from N to P?
      It all gets very complicated and really none of that matters, what matters is, you don’t need it in your life.
      Just because she was a victim of abuse as a child does not exclude her from being a narcissist either. Do you know for certain she was a victim of abuse? because they are always the victim of someone or something. A lot of the time they may have been disciplined harshly by frustrated parents who were at their wits end because a narcissist hates boundaries and rules. If she was a victim of abuse she still has the choice to how she deals with it in the future. We all have to take responsibility for our own actions, there is never a good excuse for abusing someone.

      Thanks for your input.



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