The Number One Tool The Narcissist Relies On To Exist

How is it possible that these people exist among us, creating havoc, destroying lives, ruining people’s reputations, bleeding people of their hard earned money, leaving a trail of destruction behind them their whole life without ever paying for their sins? How can they move from lover to innocent lover, get fired from job after job, father children with numerous women and never pay a dime of support, and never suffer consequences for their actions?

I often think the most painful thing the victim has to deal with, the hardest thing for the victim to accept is that the narcissist seems to avoid karma, they never seem to “get what they deserve”, how can someone be so evil and malicious and remain undetected unless they kill someone. Even then, I shudder to think how many have literally gotten away with murder.

So how do they do it?

The one thing that they know and count on is society’s, OUR refusal to accept true evil lives among us, is our neighbor, our policeman, our own parents, children, teachers, shares our bed. Logically we know it exists, we read about it, we see the news, we know, we just refuse to believe it could possibly come into our life or the life of someone we know, unless they invited it somehow.

We think we know what evil looks like and we wouldn’t fall in love with it. We have seen the pictures of murders on the news and they look like murders, they look crazy, we wouldn’t get near that person for love nor money, who could love someone who looks that insane?

Plus we are taught by our legal system that someone is innocent until proven guilty and you have to prove without a shadow of doubt that they are guilty or they will get off. What are narcissist good at? creating doubt! they know all they have to do is instill a bit of doubt and the victim will stick around until they can prove the narcissist did what he did, whether that is cheating or whatever.

Once the victim leaves, then they face the rest of the world, family, friends, law enforcement, government departments like child welfare; where they try to prove the narcissist is what they say he is. But he looks so calm, cool, collected, not like a crazed evil man they are saying he is. The narcissist, because he lacks any kind of conscience and relies totally on his acting skills to show any emotion does “innocent” better than an innocent person. He will look people right in the eye and without a bead of sweat on his brow or fidgeting hands; bald faced lie, deny deny deny, plead he is the victim and the true victim, totally frustrated over not being believed begins to look more and more insane.

I am getting side tracked though. The biggest tool the narcissist uses is society’s refusal to accept he even exists. Because the narcissist saves his true self for only the one near and dear to him, others rarely see him with his full mask off. Those victims who have seen the narcissist when his mask totally falls know exactly what I mean. You know evil when you see it. It didn’t happen often with my ex, sure there were many times he was cold, cruel, heartless, but there was a handful of times I saw pure evil in front of me and it made my blood run cold. You know in that instance that he could kill you without any hesitation, for many by the time this happens, it is too late and he does kill them. I was lucky.

There is no way to describe the look, the eyes, but once you have seen it, you are changed forever and that is when you realize that yes evil does exist. The human mind has a very hard time accepting that. When the victim finally comes to the realization you would think they would run as fast as they could to get away, and believe me, in my head I was screaming, “Get the fuck out, now, just run.” But there was this morsel of doubt, I must be crazy, I am being dramatic, over analyzing, being paranoid, and by that time the mask is back on and I was wondering if I imagined the whole thing.

There is a case going on right now in BC Canada that proves my point quite well.

In 2008, a man with a history of abuse, his wife left him, he had visitation rights to see his children and from all accounts he might have abused his wife but he was a good father. The wife has to let him have visitation and he comes to the house to care for the children and she goes away for the weekend. She goes away from the weekend and comes home to a quiet house, goes looking for the children and finds all three of them dead in their beds.

The father is missing, a massive search ensues, he is found by a hunter and is turned in. He pleads temporary insanity and is sentenced to a mental institution. He has already been granted day releases and is now wanting to be paroled.

B.C. Supreme Court Justice Robert Powers, who heard the three-month trial in Kamloops without a jury, found that the killings were deliberate and planned by Schoenborn, but said he was not sane at the time.

“I find on balance of probabilities he was suffering from a disease of the mind,” Powers told the court at the end of the trial.

Powers rejected the Crown’s assertion that Schoenborn killed his children as revenge against their mother.

“I find it unlikely [he] would have killed his children out of anger given the close and caring relationship he had with his children,” he said .

find the full article here.

Many people are fighting his release for good reason. I saw one article written by a bleeding heart supporter who admonished the news paper for putting a picture of him on the front page of their paper because the poor man deserves his privacy and it is such an unattractive photo of him after all. He looks nothing like that now.  She went on to say that he paid for his crime and mental illness isn’t his fault and everyone needs to give the guy a chance to have a normal life.

I felt like writing a response, “You stupid bitch!! of course he doesn’t look like his picture, he has his mask back on you fool! Yes please, lets put a more recent and attractive photo of on the front page of every newspaper in the country, let everyone see him with his mask on at least then future victims have a fighting chance. What chance did his children have? when it is YOUR 3 children murdered in cold blood you can have all the sympathy for the murderer who did it you want.”

The man did 8 years in a mental institution and is “rehabilitated” (yet there are over 80 incidents of aggression and violence noted on his file in those 8 years,) until the next woman won’t take his bullshit and tries to leave.  Lawyers for the mother of the children and Crown Counsel want to have Schoenborn classified as “High Risk to Reoffend” which would mean he wouldn’t get day passes, supervised or not and would have to wait 3 years instead of being able to appeal to a tribunal every year for release.

Awww isn’t it just too bad, his children, who did absolutely nothing wrong died, they will never play again, their mother God help her, lives with it every day of her life and every single flipping year she has to attend these tribunals in hopes of keeping him locked up. And when he does get out, if he does get out, on top of the agony she suffers daily over the loss of her children she will have to watch her back and wonder when and how he will get her.

He paid a small price to get what he wanted, for his ex wife to suffer the rest of her life and never forget him. To a narcissist 8 years is a small price to pay for revenge like that. A narcissist is very patient, and because he has no emotions except hatred they will cut off their own nose to spite their face. That is why they are so believable because it doesn’t make sense. Insanity doesn’t make sense.

I could have saved the courts and mental health a whole lot of money. Guess what people! A sane person does not kill his 3 children in cold blood. Of course he is insane!! was there ever any doubt? A normal person may be upset with their ex, they may even envision revenge of some sort (I used to fantasize about filling one of my ex’s cars with cement, I never did it!) A normal healthy person does not kill innocent children! period. and if they have a mental illness that made them do it; sorry too bad, that means they have a metal illness that could make them do it again. Why are we keeping them alive when the economy is in such bad shape and innocent people are homeless, innocent people are dead and we are paying for their care, tribunals, etc etc etc

About a year and a half into our relationship a man in Mission who raced at the Mission Raceway had his in-laws take the children for the weekend on the pretense of taking his wife away for a romantic weekend. Instead he tortured her all weekend before killing her. It was in all the papers, the small town was reeling, he was a well-known celebrity of sorts, his folks did a lot of charity work, their kids raced in little mini race cars. My ex was burnout box director at the track at that time and when I read him the article he was furious! “Why did the paper have to say he raced at the track? That’s bullshit!” I asked what difference it made and he said because now everyone would think all race car drivers are wife killers. Say what? No, they would not automatically assume all race car drivers are wife murderers, that is not how a normal mind works; oh but I didn’t know he was a narcissist at that point.

Back to the topic of how the narcissist gets away with it time after time after time and what we can do to change that.

I suggest, instead of trying to prove your ex is a narcissist to all the people he knows and the new woman who is totally enamored with him right now; save yourself the frustration. Instead, if you want to do something to end the destruction they cause, expose them, all of them, not just your ex, it just makes you look like a bitter, vengeful psycho bitch. Educate, mentor, young women, your daughters, your sons, your neighbors, the ladies at church, people may still think you are a little crazy but you know what? the more you talk openly to people (and you will have to learn when is appropriate and when is not) the more people will have a light go on for them. More and more people will go, “Hey, I dated a guy like that, I didn’t know what happened to me.” Or maybe, a guy falling in love with them almost immediately and thinking they are perfect and “nothing like their psycho ex” will be considered a red flag and not a compliment.

You can’t change your ex, you can’t erase the past, you only have control over your future and how you deal with your life from this moment on. Will you take your past experience as an opportunity to do good in the world, make a difference, save others from the same fate? or remain bitter and defeated?

Slowly word is getting out about narcissists, the more voices that join in exposing them for what they are the faster the word gets out there. Just like this blog, it took forever for me to get even a hundred followers but the more followers I got the faster I got more, like a snow ball rolling down hill it gained momentum and grew in size, the bigger it got the faster it grew. It may seem we aren’t making a difference, not reaching enough people and what will one voice do? It will do a hell of a lot more than no voice.

When I started my blog there was nothing on the net about narcissists now there are hundreds of sites, twitter accounts, Face Book pages.




19 thoughts on “The Number One Tool The Narcissist Relies On To Exist

  1. Hannah

    I don’t know whether to label it a ‘ narcissist’ or just a screwed up person I met online who I’m trying to recover from. It has been the saddest, hardest couple of months. I wish I could say it is the first time. This one took humiliation and disgusting to a new level; worse than my ex. I took a chance to visit him 2K mi. away and found myself headed home on a jet just 2 days later after desperately calling a cab to come and get me. The rage and accusations flew. Had I not written down the details of what happened as they occurred and saved texts to friends, I had virtually forgotten everything that actually went down. I experienced a rager, a porn fiend, a blamer, someone who is right, someone who is ‘the man’ everywhere we went, someone who talked nonstop about his ex until I almost burst out crying, a chain smoker, drinks while driving with me in the car. When I have to conclude that, “You are actually worse than my ex,” I came to nearly appreciate my ex for showing me what bad was (rape). I didn’t miss the little hints…”I don’t like that your friends are Googling me. That fucking pisses me off. There might be untrue stuff online. At one time, my daughter wrote that I was stalking them.” I could faint. I’m trying to recover and it hurts so hard. I mean, on one hand, I would give almost anything to hear “I’m sorry.” On the other, I can barely stand to acknowledge that I was with someone who has since said some of the meanest things I’ve ever heard in my life. I’m struggling with where to find my calm. How do I get centered? My mind wants happy endings. I don’t want to have to read blogs like this. I just done because the fear is…I can’t choose a normal person. I won’t even be attracted. I’m going to be single forever. I had a moment of happiness and love. A moment…just a brief moment in time. How long do I have to live with no love? That is going to be a long go. I’m trying to accept that. I’m trying to absorb all of it. It happened. Always remember…this thing happened and I would love more than anything for it to be a gigantic misundertanding. From your perspective, I escaped quickly and cleanly. From mine, it is a mix of deep sadness, loneliness, and some fear. It’s too embarrassing at this point to even speak with anybody who actually cares about me, because it should be a very clear “HE’S A DOUCHEBAG! YOU GOT AWAY!!!” kind of thing. I’m still hurting and bargaining. I’m so fragile that it’s probably a good thing that he got to have the last word with…”There’s no sense in talking again. I move on!” I will try to consider that this is like having Ted Bundy tell you the same thing…you should be relieved. For some reason–probably all to do with my upbringing an experiences–I feel sad.I feel rejected. I sound pathetic. And, I’m working through all of that.


    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Hannah, I don’t know what label to put on him either because I don’t know the whole story but from the little bit I do know, you are better off without him. You are looking for your self worth in a man and you will never find it, no one can give you self worth except you. The reason you keep meeting these kind of men is because you haven’t taken the time to heal yourself between men. As soon as one romance ends you are worrying about finding another man, so afraid you will never find love.
      The thing is, even if you don’t think it shows your insecurity comes off as desperation and that is not attractive to a healthy man looking for a life partner. A healthy man wants a woman who knows her worth and doesn’t accept treatment less than she deserves. A healthy man doesn’t want to be responsible for someone else’s self worth or mood, a woman who is always taking the “temperature” of the relationship. And I am sorry, there is no way you can be any different if you are operating with the thought, “I will never find someone to love me”, “I am a loser”, “I only pick and attract assholes”.
      I always recommend people take at least a year, two years preferably before they start dating again and take the time to get to know themselves and learn to love themselves. That way no one can ever make you feel “less than” because you know your worth and you can walk away from a bad relationship knowing you deserve better.
      I have news for you, everyone meets assholes; to a narcissist everyone is a potential victim; the secret is recognizing them, walking away and not taking it as a personal slight or like you just lost the love of your life. It sounds to me like every man you meet is measured up to see if this is the one? You are hoping for a happy ending before the first date, you are putting so much pressure on the relationship, how can you possibly relax and enjoy it? How can you possibly be yourself?
      You are trying to be the “right” woman, the one they fall in love with and live happily ever after but you aren’t taking the time to find out if they are the right man for you! He treats you badly and you feel rejected because you are expecting your happiness to come from the man.
      I don’t know what your upbringing was like but I gather it was dysfunctional. I strongly recommend you seek professional counseling and deal with the lies you were told about yourself as a child. Find someone who will help you put the pieces of you back together, throw away the baggage you shouldn’t be packing, work on the traits you don’t like and appreciate the wonderful parts about you. Become your best you! when you find the best you and start to live true to yourself and stop trying to live up to the expectations of others you will attract men worthy of you. You will still meet losers but you will be able to walk away with a tear or two but your heart intact.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Bluebird

        Thanks for your reply. As far as anybody knows or cares, I’m just woman on the internet and don’t need to necessarily defend myself.

        I will say this just to say it to myself since I’m feeling better today. Some assessments of me are not accurate. I do not go from man to man; relationship to relationship. I’m pretty strong that way. I have strong outside interests and a decent career. I had been prepared to be alone for the rest of my life because I just don’t meet people that I prefer. I do like the company of men, in general, but I have both men and women friends.

        The minute I did get the bad vibes, I called a cab and left an entire week earlier than I was scheduled to go. Yes, it really shattered my heart. I wanted something different. But, I did leave. I paid $250 extra myself to change the plane fares. I’m not looking for anybody to take care of me.

        It did happen that I met this man online. Not on a dating site…on Twitter, while discussing a news story for 5 mo. I was just happy to see him log in and comment. It was fun. I was happy.

        We started private messaging each other a couple of months ago. Since we live 2K mi. apart, there was that question of “what to do about this?” I didn’t know. I liked his age. I like his interests and vice versa. Much of what I found out, I couldn’t have probably known unless I had seen him.

        What would be objectionable to you, probably, is that he did bring up how nice it would be to have companionship at our ages for the remainder of our lives…really, how fun that would be. The unimaginable…liking to talk to someone (loved the sound of his voice), liking to have messages throughout the day (work was so much more fun), and someone willing to talk about a relationship vs. just ‘hanging out.’ I guess I thought that was pretty neat; a possible relationship guy to go with the lovely words(?)

        I thought I had built up my self worth. I generally feel ok about myself. I was simply happy to take a chance to fly out and meet what I thought was a cute man who played an electric guitar (that was my guilty pleasure–I get to have my very own guitar player after a lifetime on missing out on marriage and getting to have children. A pretty happy consolation prize, I felt). Our incomes are about the same. I liked that we scheduled out a week to really take a look at each other. Online is weird, but it seems to be a product of our modern age.

        So, for a moment, I felt some real happiness that I didn’t think was probable again in my lifetime. I did give some allowance for a man being a little rough around the edges (not perfect), with the idea that if it’s any worse than that, I will leave. I felt it was worse, and I left. And, I have been crying and sad. It’s grief to experience something you think you want only to experience disappointment. I’m not currently looking for the next man to fill this void.

        This morning I woke up feeling stronger. I feel like getting out of bed and cleaning my house, then studying, then visiting family. Would I like a miracle personality transformation? Sure. Of course. I’m old enough to know what the probability of that is. I saw my own mother care for men too much and give too much to those who didn’t give back.

        I’m glad I didn’t bring children into any of this. If there is love available out there for me that is nice, well, that sounds nice. If not, I guess I’ll cope. I have interests; I even volunteer. It hurts but I’m back on the road again. I guess the only thing that matters to me is my own experience and opinion. I feel that there seems to be the need to be soft enough to allow people to get close, and strong enough to leave. It’s not fun. I wish I had better internal resources, but I have what I have and will have to make the best of it. What else is there to say?

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Carrie Reimer Post author

          Bluebird, I am sorry if I offended you, I didn’t mean anything I said as a personal criticism of you. The tone of your comment today is totally different than the first comment you made; you must admit.
          You sound a lot like me actually, I too was always very independent, had seen my dad control my mother and had made sure I was never reliant on a man ever in my life. But I did have a child, was a single mom and a home owner, worked full time and by the time I met JC I was ready to meet the love of my life. I wasn’t looking for it but he walked into the bar I was in waiting for a blind date and our eyes met and well……. he was so sweet, gave me his number and asked me to call if my date didn’t work out. I did and 10 years later I was walking away a shell of the woman I once was. I remember thinking all the struggling being a strong single woman was worth it if I got to spend the rest of my life with my soul mate. They all transform themselves into the man of our dreams to hook us and then once they have us the abuse starts; usually more subtly than yours. It is usually slow and insidious.
          Either way, you were smart and got the hell out of there, I stuck around for more and went back several times, I ate the poison over and over again. I was a very slow learner.
          So I do not judge anyone, or how they handled the relationship, how long they stayed or if they go back because I did it all wrong.
          But I will say this, you said “Would I like a miracle personality transformation? Sure. Of course. I’m old enough to know what the probability of that is. I saw my own mother care for men too much and give too much to those who didn’t give back.”
          Why would you want a personality transformation? that is why I said what I said, we all pack baggage from our past and no doubt you got some screwed up messages growing up, about a woman’s role, your role, even who you are. Do you know who you are at the core, your core values, your core joys, deal breakers? I sure the hell didn’t and I was 54. It took being broken by JC and having to put myself back together again for me to see I had never lived true to me. I had always been what my mother thought I should be, have an immaculate house, the perfect hostess, my dad’s expectations that I was going to be better than my mom and if I wasn’t good he was going to take my baby brother and leave. So I had to be the perfect woman. My mom was always on diets, I had her flat chest and big ass but my dad’s height; I was never fat but I saw fat and was anorexic for years and years. I look at pics now and I was never heavy.
          I spent most of my life trying to be the woman the man wanted, what everyone wanted me to be and I always felt like a fraud, I hated my job but the pay was good and I was a single mom, I did it well but I always thought I would get found out to be a fraud because I really hated it.
          I was always criticized for being too sensitive, no I am not too sensitive, I am a sensitive, intuitive, caring person but when my feelings are dismissed or ignored I start to get a little crazy.
          I am not saying you have to change anything. I am saying for me, the minute I started to live true to me and my core beliefs and values I stopped needing approval and was able to accept myself and others at face value.
          It is never too late to grow and learn, develop and become the person you want to be. I stopped trying to find the old me and started trying to be the best me and it feels right.
          That is all I was saying.


          1. Bluebird

            I’m sorry my tone came out as offended. I was writing fairly neutrally in my mind. I like who I am. I’m ok with that. I understand watching my mother look for miracle creams and what not; always hoping a certain not-worth-it guy would commit to her. It was hard to watch. I’m trying not to be that.

            As far as wanting a miracle transformation, well, yes…I dig the superficial things about this guy. It wouldn’t hurt if I didn’t REALLY like the things that drew me in. I took a leap to check him out and took a big spill. I like my taste in men and it was fun to have the fun up until it wasn’t fun.

            Would I love some magic right now? Yeah. It’s no fun to me to be single again. I tend to like one person, darn it. I’m just not easily amused by others. Or, maybe I am? At this age, I’ve racked up more men than I meant to, that’s for sure. I really only wanted one person in the beginning. The rest have all been because I’ve been forced to keep being available.
            I don’t have the answers either.

            Yes, I’ve gone through a hurricane of emotions which is probably evident in my first post. I have been crying like nobody’s business all week. Deep, hysterical crying that hurts to my soul. It was excruciating to leave. I knew it was either leave or stay and let his freight-train of a personality just keep plowing along and dragging me under.

            I’m still not ‘healed’ obviously, because in my heart of hearts, I want a miracle. It’s laughable, I’m sure, to know that deep inside I want to be contacted on my terms which are, “Show respect. I KNOW I’m worth it.” I’ve caved before and contacted a few men first after breaking up and MAN!, was it ever a mistake. Seems like some men almost have contempt for anybody who would have them.

            I don’t want to grow old and vulnerable to an ornery old fuck. Seriously. This is hard to stick to my guns. I want to have a best friend who believes I am the living end. I’ve had that before and I never take it for granted. I’ve had men cry to lose me. I tend to go happily go along until there is a dealbreaker of some kind and then when I’m turned off, I am permanently turned off.

            The lingering question is, “Why aren’t you with those men?” Answer: Two were alcoholics. Sweetest men on earth. One died of alcoholism. The other got married to someone and they spend their lives focusing on sobriety. It wasn’t for me. It hurt to leave, but I never had to worry for a minute if either loved me or would hurt me or any of that. Anything I did they thought was just really neat. Whatever I looked like, wore, did with my hair, or any hobby–they felt lucky to be with me and they let me know (vice versa).

            The other, well, he used very bad judgment. He loved me. We had to work out a few kinks in the beginning, but he thought I was everything. I didn’t have to worry about him running around. One night, however, while my mother was dying, I took a sleeping pill to help me cope. I woke up to being sodomized by him. It was a complete shock. I can’t begin to tell you what a scene that was. “You begged me to do it. I wouldn’t have done it if you hadn’t begged me to.” Uh, no. I am a truth speaker. And when I was able to gather myself in the haze, I said, “You can tell yourself that for the rest of your life, but I know the truth and anybody who knows me also will know I am telling the truth when I tell them. When I’m asleep, I am asleep. I can’t move or speak.”

            To his credit, the next morning, he came to the kitchen while I was sitting there and for the first time in our relationship, he said, “I want to tell you that I’m very sorry. What I did was wrong.” I thanked him for the apology at least. I didn’t ‘get over it’ by any means and I had limited choices about what I could do given my lack of funds and my mother’s crisis. I left as soon as I could afford. I managed to be civil, but in my mind, I was long gone. I never wanted to sleep in the same bed or really let him touch me again.

            He was as truly honestly sorry, I believe, as any man could be, and it wasn’t enough. We spent the next year and a half as friends. He would hint that maybe he could stay the night. I’ve never been so happy to have a bed all to myself (brand new at that–I splurged!). The answer was a nice, but polite ‘no.’ He never pushed . I think he would have truly been happy to spend the rest of his life just being able to be my friend, come over, eat meals with me, and take walks with me.

            He screwed up big time and I could never trust him to be close to me again. I was permanently turned off. I wouldn’t say he was a narcissist. I think he did something incredibly stupid, and had to pay the price for it. I finally told him 2 years ago that i was moving out of state. I wanted to be single again and didn’t want to be in the same area and have him have to see me out with other people.

            I don’t think he believed a) I could ever afford to leave him. b) that I would. He dropped in even as I packed for a new life and I think he still didn’t actually believe it. c) that I left and haven’t looked back.

            Even family asked if I would at least give him a courtesy text. No. He texted me the day after I drove away and said, “I hope you’ll change your mind. I’m here. I love you.” I never answered. I truly wish him well and felt the kindest thing was not to answer so that he has a chance to move on. I hope he finds someone so that he’s not alone and learned how to treat someone right.

            So, I’m sad right now about this guy…no doubt about that. I’m not as sad as when I first wrote about this. There will come a time when I am turned off. There are men in my past who, if they showed up, I would walk them right to the curb. I cried hard about them too at the time. I’ve even had some show up later to ask me out and I was truly miffed that I was even attracted to them in the first place. That’s an amazing process that I never imagine happening. So, i have some faith, based on experience, that it will probably happen again.

            Right now, I do wish something amazing would happen. What I would give to hear very, VERY convincing words that I cannot even imagine right now. Not lofty words, but real words of a person who fucked up (or who is completely fucked up and incapable of anything better). It is what is going on inside my head, but I’m moving on. I’m functioning. I’m hoping it will all fade. I will not contact him. Maybe my posts are just sounding slightly stronger because I feel slightly less like I’ve had the wind knocked out of me. A little boring around here, but safe. Here’s to hoping, not for love per se, but for happiness in any form. A good summer for all, right? Hugs, Bluebird.


  2. Brook Hart

    saw a new psychiatrist this week. After hearing my story he demanded I tell him the name of my N . I acknowledged who he was and the doctors mouth dropped to the floor. I guess he know’s him. He agreed to see me and hopefully life goes on. My story is so outrageous no one believes me. I took every single legal and medical document I had, That also includes photo’s and the sheriffs testimony. Hopefully ,I will stabilize now that I have found someone who not only cares , and is not a supporter of my N. In a small town, one doctor knows all the other doctors…..

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Brook Hart, I hope this will help you to heal, you have had a really tough time of it; you really need to be heard and it sounds like this guy could be the guy.
      Keep us informed on your progress and if you find something helpful that you can share please do. Maybe you would even like to do a guest post on your experience with the counselor? Just a thought.
      Thanks for commenting, wishing you much healing!


  3. Just Being Me

    I know that speaking out has certainly helped me in more ways then one. I didn’t know what my ex was until reading blogs and articles. I just thought there had to be something wrong with me. If only I could lose some weight, cook his favorite meal, make love like a porn star, things would be different. He would love and respect me and our marriage vows. WRONG! He is sick! I wish him on no one! I almost lost my life because of the torment!!!!


  4. Teresa

    Yes and even now I realize that I didn’t give it a second thought to things he does to me knowing that I can’t be fooled. I tell him what he did and he gets dramatically indignant at the accusation. I just matter of factly say its not an accusation….you don’t have to explain yourself. I know and he doesn’t care. I gave become complacent and just like society let it go on without consequence. How disrespectful of myself ! I gave up on him making up for it. He will do worse next…so why do i give him a chance like its possible he will miraculously do the right(human) thing.

    Because we have hope. That is the only thing since after they get through it is all we have left! But that they can’t take from us!!


  5. nemo

    I think awareness is really being raised. There is a lot of emphasis on reducing domestic violence here in Australia and more people realising that thinking “Why doesn’t she just leave him?” is a naive question and that physical violence is the tip of the iceberg. Let’s hope the time will come that people are wiser, N’s can’t find any victims and all end up, as I hope mine does, dying a lonely, slow, painful, undignified death.


  6. susanbotchie

    Dear Carrie, Great post! Was thinking, what did narcs of yester-year do to get supply? This, besides terrorizing their families? They joined the klan, and further back got jobs with the spanish inquisition. Some years ago, i used to believe the Lord was exaggerating when He described the wicked through His Scripture. Yeah, i was more an idiot back then. What’s scary is, there’s lots of narcs, but many go through life without the need for overt evil. Many just want to watch the tube all day, while finding perfect excuses not to work / fix things. Those toads are everywhere – my apologies to the frogs out in the marshes..


  7. tryingtostartoveragain

    Another fantastic article of awareness. Narcissistic abusers do not make good parents and it’s time the courts around the world start recognizing this! Those of us who have children with them know first hand!


  8. EchoNoMorr

    Carrie, this is another great post.
    It is so true that no one really wants to believe that the people closest to them could be so evil.

    3 years the end of this month since “I would have honored my marital vows but you did not die soon enough” I saw the evil in his eyes so clearly then. It was so frightening. The discard was so cruel and humiliating, nothing has ever hurt so bad, nothing.
    Even after he was gone, I still did not want to believe how evil he is. It took a year of processing to realize that most likely he was trying to kill me with my medication when I was so sick. In hindsight, I believe he had planned my death and somehow, I had failed to die on his timeline, so he left me in a frustrated rage.
    Narcissistic abuse is the hardest recovery. Even when all hope of returning to the relationship is lost, there is still so much damage to overcome.
    Thank you so much for being there Carrie, as I try to sift through the wreckage and create some sort of peace in my existence.
    Peace and Love to all!


    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Echonomore, I am sure you are right, he was probably trying to kill you and you didn’t so he was pissed. They have amazing patience when they want to do someone harm and when things don’t go the way they had it all planned out they are mad at the victim for not following their game plan. Sick very sick, but that is why they are called psychopaths or narcissists. Normal people would never even think of doing the things they do.
      I am so glad I am able to help you find answers and in the process eventual peace and happiness again.
      Big hugs


  9. jsackett49

    Carrie, once again you summed it up perfectly and I want to thank you for this informative and helpful post. I believe these people are evil, too, but even I find myself still trying to justify his behavior when I was there, witnessed it, and lived it. If it’s difficult to fully convince myself that evil exists in this world (and I saw it), it’s only natural that it would be difficult to prove to others. What is so totally confusing is that, as least in my case, these people are good-looking, charming, witty and charismatic. They truly are wolves in sheep’s clothing, only that description is too benign. More fitting would be to describe them as pure destruction wrapped up in a soft fluffy pink blanket.

    After years of emotional abuse and a 27-year marriage, I can remember the few times my ex let his guard down and I could see his true self. It only happened after he had been drinking. On one occasion, he was lying on his side at the bottom of our bed and I was perched on the right corner, as we ate dinner and watched TV in our bedroom (which is how we ate dinner almost every night). I commented on something out loud and he looked over at me. Now my ex is German decent, blonde hair and blue eyes. But when he looked over at me on this particular day, his eyes were coal black without a hint of blue and the look on his face was one of pure hatred. At that moment in time I was 100% certain that he hated me more than anything in this world and he wanted me dead. I didn’t know what a malignant narcissist was at the time, but I can clearly remember being very confused and thinking to myself, “Why does he look like he hates me and wants me dead…that’s crazy. I’m a good wife, friend, cook, I bring in all the money, I take care of the animals and the house, I do whatever he asks of me, he tells me that he loves me all the time…surely I must be mistaken.” Now I know that I wasn’t mistaken. He did hate me and he did want me dead. It took me 2 years to get the strength, but one morning after months of preparing, I went to work only this time I never returned home again. He was served with divorce papers 3 days later. Somehow, I knew intrinsically that if I asked him outright for a divorce, or returned home after leaving him, that something very bad would happen to me. Today, I feel like I’m one of the lucky ones…I saw him for what he really was and got out with my life.

    I’ve stopped telling people this story because they look at me like I’m the crazy one but I know what I saw. For whatever reason that day, his mask came off and his hate for me was literally oozing out of him. Some say, and I agree that, “the eyes are the windows to the soul”. I know what I saw that day – pure evil.


    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      jsackett, I know the look well, like he can’t stand the fact that you are breathing his air and he loathes you. That was the only way I could describe it, loathing. You were very smart to leave the way you did, you followed your gut instincts and they were right on. That is the best way to leave a narcissist, with no indication you are leaving, just don’t come home one day and have the divorce papers delivered.
      Thanks for commenting.


      1. jsackett49

        Carrie, you hit the nail on the head again. That is the word….Loathsome! No wonder we all felt like we were going crazy… One minute we are there BFF and the love of their life and the next minute they’re looking at us with this look. My ex kept calling me his BFF. By this point in the relationship I was so confused that I didn’t know what was what. In this particular case, I looked up the word “friend” in the dictionary and when I did, I realized that he was none of those things. He was just saying it, along with “i love you”, to keep me duped and in the dark. Because who says that to anybody if it isn’t true?
        I don’t know if this happened to you, but his abuse went on for so long that I lost my gut instinct almost completely. I didn’t believe anything that I felt or thought. I didn’t trust my feelings, my judgment, actions, nothing! In the last six months before I escaped, I shook constantly, could not sleeping, and I had lost tons of weight because I couldn’t swallow a thing as my throat got all tight when I was around him.
        Carrie, thank you again for speaking out. You have been a true blessing to people like me. You make us realize that we are not crazy or alone or broken. You are brave and a wonderful mentor and example for people like me to follow. And your advice is spot on. I have read your blogs for years but only now do I have the courage and the voice to speak out – thanks is great part to you. ❤️


  10. Blaspie

    OMG, I’m just stumbling onto this article. Carrie, it’s insane and frightening. I have seen “the look” twice. Once when he was choking me and another when he was trying to attack me while he had a broken leg. It was like, it wasn’t him. Those were not his eyes, that was not his cold icy stare. Both times when I got the look I literally froze and went catatonic because I didn’t know how bad it could possibly get if I dared to get out of the situation. The only thing more frightening than the violence was that look that I pray I never see again.



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