How is it possible that these people exist among us, creating havoc, destroying lives, ruining people’s reputations, bleeding people of their hard earned money, leaving a trail of destruction behind them their whole life without ever paying for their sins? How can they move from lover to innocent lover, get fired from job after job, father children with numerous women and never pay a dime of support, and never suffer consequences for their actions?
I often think the most painful thing the victim has to deal with, the hardest thing for the victim to accept is that the narcissist seems to avoid karma, they never seem to “get what they deserve”, how can someone be so evil and malicious and remain undetected unless they kill someone. Even then, I shudder to think how many have literally gotten away with murder.
So how do they do it?
The one thing that they know and count on is society’s, OUR refusal to accept true evil lives among us, is our neighbor, our policeman, our own parents, children, teachers, shares our bed. Logically we know it exists, we read about it, we see the news, we know, we just refuse to believe it could possibly come into our life or the life of someone we know, unless they invited it somehow.
We think we know what evil looks like and we wouldn’t fall in love with it. We have seen the pictures of murders on the news and they look like murders, they look crazy, we wouldn’t get near that person for love nor money, who could love someone who looks that insane?
Plus we are taught by our legal system that someone is innocent until proven guilty and you have to prove without a shadow of doubt that they are guilty or they will get off. What are narcissist good at? creating doubt! they know all they have to do is instill a bit of doubt and the victim will stick around until they can prove the narcissist did what he did, whether that is cheating or whatever.
Once the victim leaves, then they face the rest of the world, family, friends, law enforcement, government departments like child welfare; where they try to prove the narcissist is what they say he is. But he looks so calm, cool, collected, not like a crazed evil man they are saying he is. The narcissist, because he lacks any kind of conscience and relies totally on his acting skills to show any emotion does “innocent” better than an innocent person. He will look people right in the eye and without a bead of sweat on his brow or fidgeting hands; bald faced lie, deny deny deny, plead he is the victim and the true victim, totally frustrated over not being believed begins to look more and more insane.
I am getting side tracked though. The biggest tool the narcissist uses is society’s refusal to accept he even exists. Because the narcissist saves his true self for only the one near and dear to him, others rarely see him with his full mask off. Those victims who have seen the narcissist when his mask totally falls know exactly what I mean. You know evil when you see it. It didn’t happen often with my ex, sure there were many times he was cold, cruel, heartless, but there was a handful of times I saw pure evil in front of me and it made my blood run cold. You know in that instance that he could kill you without any hesitation, for many by the time this happens, it is too late and he does kill them. I was lucky.
There is no way to describe the look, the eyes, but once you have seen it, you are changed forever and that is when you realize that yes evil does exist. The human mind has a very hard time accepting that. When the victim finally comes to the realization you would think they would run as fast as they could to get away, and believe me, in my head I was screaming, “Get the fuck out, now, just run.” But there was this morsel of doubt, I must be crazy, I am being dramatic, over analyzing, being paranoid, and by that time the mask is back on and I was wondering if I imagined the whole thing.
There is a case going on right now in BC Canada that proves my point quite well.
In 2008, a man with a history of abuse, his wife left him, he had visitation rights to see his children and from all accounts he might have abused his wife but he was a good father. The wife has to let him have visitation and he comes to the house to care for the children and she goes away for the weekend. She goes away from the weekend and comes home to a quiet house, goes looking for the children and finds all three of them dead in their beds.
The father is missing, a massive search ensues, he is found by a hunter and is turned in. He pleads temporary insanity and is sentenced to a mental institution. He has already been granted day releases and is now wanting to be paroled.
B.C. Supreme Court Justice Robert Powers, who heard the three-month trial in Kamloops without a jury, found that the killings were deliberate and planned by Schoenborn, but said he was not sane at the time.
“I find on balance of probabilities he was suffering from a disease of the mind,” Powers told the court at the end of the trial.
Powers rejected the Crown’s assertion that Schoenborn killed his children as revenge against their mother.
“I find it unlikely [he] would have killed his children out of anger given the close and caring relationship he had with his children,” he said .
find the full article here.
Many people are fighting his release for good reason. I saw one article written by a bleeding heart supporter who admonished the news paper for putting a picture of him on the front page of their paper because the poor man deserves his privacy and it is such an unattractive photo of him after all. He looks nothing like that now. She went on to say that he paid for his crime and mental illness isn’t his fault and everyone needs to give the guy a chance to have a normal life.
I felt like writing a response, “You stupid bitch!! of course he doesn’t look like his picture, he has his mask back on you fool! Yes please, lets put a more recent and attractive photo of on the front page of every newspaper in the country, let everyone see him with his mask on at least then future victims have a fighting chance. What chance did his children have? when it is YOUR 3 children murdered in cold blood you can have all the sympathy for the murderer who did it you want.”
The man did 8 years in a mental institution and is “rehabilitated” (yet there are over 80 incidents of aggression and violence noted on his file in those 8 years,) until the next woman won’t take his bullshit and tries to leave. Lawyers for the mother of the children and Crown Counsel want to have Schoenborn classified as “High Risk to Reoffend” which would mean he wouldn’t get day passes, supervised or not and would have to wait 3 years instead of being able to appeal to a tribunal every year for release.
Awww isn’t it just too bad, his children, who did absolutely nothing wrong died, they will never play again, their mother God help her, lives with it every day of her life and every single flipping year she has to attend these tribunals in hopes of keeping him locked up. And when he does get out, if he does get out, on top of the agony she suffers daily over the loss of her children she will have to watch her back and wonder when and how he will get her.
He paid a small price to get what he wanted, for his ex wife to suffer the rest of her life and never forget him. To a narcissist 8 years is a small price to pay for revenge like that. A narcissist is very patient, and because he has no emotions except hatred they will cut off their own nose to spite their face. That is why they are so believable because it doesn’t make sense. Insanity doesn’t make sense.
I could have saved the courts and mental health a whole lot of money. Guess what people! A sane person does not kill his 3 children in cold blood. Of course he is insane!! was there ever any doubt? A normal person may be upset with their ex, they may even envision revenge of some sort (I used to fantasize about filling one of my ex’s cars with cement, I never did it!) A normal healthy person does not kill innocent children! period. and if they have a mental illness that made them do it; sorry too bad, that means they have a metal illness that could make them do it again. Why are we keeping them alive when the economy is in such bad shape and innocent people are homeless, innocent people are dead and we are paying for their care, tribunals, etc etc etc
About a year and a half into our relationship a man in Mission who raced at the Mission Raceway had his in-laws take the children for the weekend on the pretense of taking his wife away for a romantic weekend. Instead he tortured her all weekend before killing her. It was in all the papers, the small town was reeling, he was a well-known celebrity of sorts, his folks did a lot of charity work, their kids raced in little mini race cars. My ex was burnout box director at the track at that time and when I read him the article he was furious! “Why did the paper have to say he raced at the track? That’s bullshit!” I asked what difference it made and he said because now everyone would think all race car drivers are wife killers. Say what? No, they would not automatically assume all race car drivers are wife murderers, that is not how a normal mind works; oh but I didn’t know he was a narcissist at that point.
Back to the topic of how the narcissist gets away with it time after time after time and what we can do to change that.
I suggest, instead of trying to prove your ex is a narcissist to all the people he knows and the new woman who is totally enamored with him right now; save yourself the frustration. Instead, if you want to do something to end the destruction they cause, expose them, all of them, not just your ex, it just makes you look like a bitter, vengeful psycho bitch. Educate, mentor, young women, your daughters, your sons, your neighbors, the ladies at church, people may still think you are a little crazy but you know what? the more you talk openly to people (and you will have to learn when is appropriate and when is not) the more people will have a light go on for them. More and more people will go, “Hey, I dated a guy like that, I didn’t know what happened to me.” Or maybe, a guy falling in love with them almost immediately and thinking they are perfect and “nothing like their psycho ex” will be considered a red flag and not a compliment.
You can’t change your ex, you can’t erase the past, you only have control over your future and how you deal with your life from this moment on. Will you take your past experience as an opportunity to do good in the world, make a difference, save others from the same fate? or remain bitter and defeated?
Slowly word is getting out about narcissists, the more voices that join in exposing them for what they are the faster the word gets out there. Just like this blog, it took forever for me to get even a hundred followers but the more followers I got the faster I got more, like a snow ball rolling down hill it gained momentum and grew in size, the bigger it got the faster it grew. It may seem we aren’t making a difference, not reaching enough people and what will one voice do? It will do a hell of a lot more than no voice.
When I started my blog there was nothing on the net about narcissists now there are hundreds of sites, twitter accounts, Face Book pages.