I text messaged my son the other day to give him my new phone number and when I put my phone away I accidentally dialed him. He asked me why I had changed my phone number again and if I was ok. I assured him I was ok but of course he is always worried about my ex causing trouble in my life again and he knows about the police phoning over a week ago.
We were talking about the blog and my life and you know who and he said a few things that just made me feel so good; you know when you realize a person is really listening to you and understands exactly where you are coming from? It doesn’t happen often after leaving a narcissist, you usually get people’s glazing over and well …. judging you, but you rarely feel truly understood.
My son is not one to talk about feelings a whole lot, he tells me he loves me, I know he worries about me but we avoid the topic of my ex because he really hates to talk about it but this time when I said that I really didn’t know why he even read my blog and that there is no way it can be tracked back to him my son said, “I know mom, it’s not like you care about him or what he is doing, it’s more like “Really?? Seriously? after all this time he can’t let it go??”
Then my son said something I wish I could replay whenever I have self doubt, he said, “I am really proud of you momma.” I asked, “Really?? I didn’t know that”
I can’t quote him exactly but he this is the gist of what he said, “It took you a long time to leave him, you went back so many times but at some point you found the strength to stay away. He has done everything he can think of to bring you down and he has, you have had some really tough times in the past 5 years and more recently things have been really hard on you, I know. But every single time he has brought you down you have risen above it, you have dealt with it, no matter how difficult it was and you kept going. Now you have found a decent place to live. You just keep coming back strong. That has to really piss him off. He tries to destroy you and not only are you not destroyed you turn it into a positive and use it as a tool to empower other women. A narcissists whole thing is all about power, control, and winning; in order for him to feel he won he has to destroy you, and your blog is a glaring symbol that he did not destroy you and he can’t stand it. It has nothing to do with what you say on your blog, it’s that he can’t break you, you just keep bouncing back.” He went on to say, “You buy a shitty little holiday trailer that everyone thinks you are crazy to buy and will never make it livable and in a few weeks you have it turned into a sweet little trailer that anyone would be thrilled to own. I am just really proud of you mom.”
Well, I can’t tell you what that does to a momma’s heart, to hear her son is proud of her because in my mind I gave him lots of reason to be the furthest thing from proud. I stayed with my ex much longer than I should have and I put up with stuff I never should have.
Then he said that when he heard he had called the cops he just thought, “Seriously??” not in a “OMG that terrible way!!” but in a “really?? its been 5 years, really??”
He said that he knows my ex will be judged one day, we all are. We all have to stand before God and account for our sins, there is nothing God doesn’t know and my ex is going to have to answer for all the pain he caused. He said he has no problem standing before God and answering for everything he has done and I know I have no problem with it. But I wouldn’t want to be my ex.
That did my heart good too. To know that my son believes in God and God’s will.
I am settling into this basement suite, address unknown to anyone. I hate that I have to hide where I live, that I have had to deal with drones outside my window, things planted on or in my vehicle, “anonymous” complaints made against me trying to get me evicted or fired; I don’t like any of it……….it scared me that someone is that vindictive but he has to answer to God just like the rest of us and he won’t be able to string God along with a line of bullshit.
Just wanted to share that with you all. We can not do anything about what other people do or say, we are only responsible for how we live our life, we all end up having to answer for our action. Live your life so you can be proud and the people who love you can be proud of you.