Seriously???

I text messaged my son the other day to give him my new phone number and when I put my phone away I accidentally dialed him. He asked me why I had changed my phone number again and if I was ok. I assured him I was ok but of course he is always worried about my ex causing trouble in my life again and he knows about the police phoning over a week ago.

We were talking about the blog and my life and you know who and he said a few things that just made me feel so good; you know when you realize a person is really listening to you and understands exactly where you are coming from? It doesn’t happen often after leaving a narcissist, you usually get people’s glazing over and well …. judging you, but you rarely feel truly understood.

My son is not one to talk about feelings a whole lot, he tells me he loves me, I know he worries about me but we avoid the topic of my ex because he really hates to talk about it but this time when I said that I really didn’t know why he even read my blog and that there is no way it can be tracked back to him my son said, “I know mom, it’s not like you care about him or what he is doing, it’s more like “Really?? Seriously? after all this time he can’t let it go??”

Then my son said something I wish I could replay whenever I have self doubt, he said, “I am really proud of you momma.” I asked, “Really?? I didn’t know that”

I can’t quote him exactly but he this is the gist of what he said, “It took you a long time to leave him, you went back so many times but at some point you found the strength to stay away. He has done everything he can think of to bring you down and he has, you have had some really tough times in the past 5 years and more recently things have been really hard on you, I know. But every single time he has brought you down you have risen above it, you have dealt with it, no matter how difficult it was and you kept going. Now you have found a decent place to live. You just keep coming back strong. That has to really piss him off.  He tries to destroy you and not only are you not destroyed you turn it into a positive and use it as a tool to empower other women. A narcissists whole thing is all about power, control, and winning; in order for him to feel he won he has to destroy you, and your blog is a glaring symbol that he did not destroy you and he can’t stand it. It has nothing to do with what you say on your blog, it’s that he can’t break you, you just keep bouncing back.” He went on to say, “You buy a shitty little holiday trailer that everyone thinks you are crazy to buy and will never make it livable and in a few weeks you have it turned into a sweet little trailer that anyone would be thrilled to own. I am just really proud of you mom.”

Well, I can’t tell you what that does to a momma’s heart, to hear her son is proud of her because in my mind I gave him lots of reason to be the furthest thing from proud. I stayed with my ex much longer than I should have and I put up with stuff I never should have.

Then he said that when he heard he had called the cops he just thought, “Seriously??” not in a “OMG that terrible way!!” but in a “really?? its been 5 years, really??”

He said that he knows my ex will be judged one day, we all are. We all have to stand before God and account for our sins, there is nothing God doesn’t know and my ex is going to have to answer for all the pain he caused. He said he has no problem standing before God and answering for everything he has done and I know I have no problem with it. But I wouldn’t want to be my ex.

That did my heart good too. To know that my son believes in God and God’s will.

I am settling into this basement suite, address unknown to anyone. I hate that I have to hide where I live, that I have had to deal with drones outside my window, things planted on or in my vehicle, “anonymous” complaints made against me trying to get me evicted or fired; I don’t like any of it……….it scared me that someone is that vindictive but he has to answer to God just like the rest of us and he won’t be able to string God along with a line of bullshit.

Just wanted to share that with you all. We can not do anything about what other people do or say, we are only responsible for how we live our life, we all end up having to answer for our action. Live your life so you can be proud and the people who love you can be proud of you.

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6 Replies to “Seriously???”

  1. All day long I have thought of you. I have come home with the intent to send you a message and here you are. I think of you often for many reasons. Yes, we all have suffered from the atrocities of our N;s , but no one seems to understand me. The smear campaign and retaliation have been severe. Starting over at 50 has been close to impossible. The worse part is the alienation. Even those few I speak to just don’t get how harsh this has been. Everyone thinks I must be exaggerating and over reacting. That makes you special. No matter how bad your life is, you sharing makes me feel some validation. That alone is worth a million. I recently saw a psychiatrist in my former hometown. He politely demanded I name my N. ( who is also a doctor}. He shook his head and nodded. My best guess is that one of the three ex’es may have seen him. It is unbelievable but that meeting quickly changed. He asked how bad my physical abuse had been and I showed him. I feel better. Three weeks later this doctor has made a huge difference in my life. I may always be scared and hide too but maybe every now and then I might smile. Carrie I am proud of ou too. The difference you make in our lives may be more than you ever realize. You had your camper. I have a 20 yr old truck. A 4 thousand dollar house and finally a lawn mower to cut my 5 ft tall grass. It is all mine and I inch forward. Sending you and Stella a little something. Give it a day or two and stay safe,

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  2. GOD Bless you Brook, and GOD Bless you Carrie. Thank you for writing your blog. I’m proud of both of you.

    The Bible says ” Many are the afflictions of the righteous.” JESUS Christ wasn’t treated well on this earth either. It’s difficult, but we have to trust and endure.

    I’m glad to hear your homes are turning out nicely : ). Even if it’s small, it’s nice to have a safe, cozy place to call home.

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  3. Ms. Carrie , you may not know this but your son is not the only person who is proud of you !!, even though he is the most important one, we are all proud of you, your determination to make your life as good as you can in any given moment, to not let that psycho get or keep you down gives sooo many women the courage to keep going, to make the best of each moment given to us, and to know we may feel alone but there are other women out there who have been through the same things and if THEY can make so can we..!! God bless you for being that strong woman !!..Many prayers for your health and know you are loved …no matter what happens each day..and for some of us who got the courage to NOT accept being treated so badly, even though not physical that kind of damage takes time to heal from…praying for peace for you…

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  4. I am new here, so need to express my sorrow over the difficulty of your path. I am very respectful of those who use their challenges to forge a life that makes a difference ~~ a pledge that I have made to my self. It gives the suffering a purpose and gives me an outlet for the expression of my values. Thank you for providing a forum. It takes great courage.

    The challenge is to balance the fear with a meaningful and productive way of living. To let the fear inform decisions and not rule the roost like a tyrannical toddler. There is tremendous comfort in sharing that part of the journey with others who ‘get’ it. And we are called to do this when we are at our most vulnerable and wounded. However, I believe in individual and collective strength. I offer my support here.

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  5. I am so glad that I have come across this blog. I just left a narc former best friend alone after 6 years. I got tired of the back handed compliments, the passive aggressive, sneaky hateful things she said and did to me, all while smiling in my face. I got tired of her criticizing my new house that I just got last year and the way I decorated it. She should care less about what house I get or how I decorate it. She could never be happy for me or support me but demanded support and attention herself. She’d ring my phone off the hook 4-5 Times a day when she needed compliments and praise to feel better about herself after various men dump her after sex. As soon as her ego was fed, she’d disappear for weeks and months at a time, never once calling to say hello or see if I was even still alive. I got tired of the one sided friendship, of her hovering and blowing hot and cold.. and ended it. I told her she was selfish and manipulative, she was a user, a taker, she was envious and needed constant validation from others, especially men. She abused and used me financially and emotionally, would even lie about where she was working (never kept a job for over a month) I told her she makes me anxious and sad and that she’s toxic and depressing for me and she said nothing at all..just silence as I hung up the phone… I went no contact yet she still calls knowing I blocked her number. Why would she want to talk to me when she’s been unmasked by me? She really must think she has power over me, she never called until I went no contact. Now she got a job where I work, knowing I want no contact with her. She once flew in a rage and I know she hates me even though I’ve done nothing but let her use me–until now. I believe she would even kill me if she had a chance. All because I graduated college, got married and bought a house. She’s a struggling mother of 6, didn’t even get a ged, can’t keep a job and no man wants her..her ex husband of 13 years moved 3000 miles away to get away from her when she stabbed him. Thank you for this blog. I recognize the same things your ex did that my former narc fiance did. I just didn’t know fully what narcissism was until now. Thanks so much!!!!!!!!

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