Raising A Man – Is not your job unless you are his mother

This is a song I heard this morning with a good message to any woman who thinks she is going to “teach” her man to treat her right or be a real man.

I remember trying to explain to my ex why his actions hurt me, or why his actions made people angry, like; “If you take something that doesn’t belong to you people will think you stole it.”

“People need their sleep, they are going to get pissed if you are outside revving your engine at 1 am in the morning.”

“You can’t sell something that doesn’t belong to you, the owner will think you stole it.”

“Just because I am not with you when you cheat, it is still cheating and wrong.”

“There are so many things wrong with having unprotected sex with a young Sudanese farm girl while doing missionary work there I don’t even know where to begin.” as he looks at me with a blank stare and says, “I was just trying to brighten her day, do you realize the hell her life is?”

It was about this time that I threw my hands in the air and said, “I give up!”

There is a line in the song that goes something like this, “If his momma couldn’t raise him up to be a man what makes you think you can?”

Have a listen to it.

 

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7 Replies to “Raising A Man – Is not your job unless you are his mother”

  1. This post really resonated with me. I spent decades somehow thinking that I could get through with reasoning of this sort – ie. reflecting reasoning back to him (over decades). I felt that I could help and I was very forgiving, patient and optimistic. I didn’t know that he wouldn’t ever learn, or grow from consequences, that he actively opposed this kind of learning. I knew from early on that he was damaged but assumed that still waters ran deep and that I could make it my mission to bring his true and better self out. I believed it was there. Some still waters just run still, and some are cesspits of a toxic stagnant or malignant nature that don’t look like that yet because the dots haven’t joined enough and the mask – in direct proportion to the dots joining – hasn’t dropped. Looking back, I would say, don’t be a fixer; you are also then a target. The chances of you not realising that until it’s too late are great, because for whatever reason (often your own family of origin experience) you have always been a fixer, and don’t see how exploitable you are from the perspective of a predator. I would also advise, as your dots join, to avoid broadcasting your growing awareness to the other party – very dangerous and a mistake I made that cost me dearly – because I believed til the end that he would have a better nature. Well wishes from yet another…

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    1. TheBenefitof, great advice! especially the last sentence, as a person becomes aware of what they are dealing with there is this great need to “share” their findings with the N because they finally have some answers and feel validated but that’s a very dangerous thing to do! The N will never admit to anything and will more than likely just start accusing the victim of being a narcissist.
      Thanks for your input!
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  2. Hi Carrie, I read a comment on a message board and had some thoughts about it. Its about misogyny. And it hit so close to home in terms of what I’ve experienced, I wanted to share the comment and my thoughts that I sent to my friends with you.

    For some reason, I’m having trouble copying the whole thing in one piece. So here is part one. My comments are below (on the comment) and in part two I will have pasted the comment from the message board. I thought it was worth sharing, and maybe you might share something about it on your blog. I wonder if many other women have had this experience. I suspect that my Narc (husband) doesn’t like women. It is confusing when a Narc is around a lot of women, and likes female attention- yet seems to want to degrade women. Anyway. Here is part one. I hope you’re having a great day today : ) Thank you for your blog

    ,Ann 🙂

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    1. ZT, I am not really sure what you wanted me to comment on. I have never watched the TV show you are talking about.
      Narcissists do not like women, they don’t like anyone except for whatever the narc can get from them. Everyone who enters the narcs life is assessed as to what they have to offer the N. People are there to be used or tossed aside, that is it. The N will use sex and pretend to be in love in order to hook a female victim but it is all an act.

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  3. -part 2-

    Watching these “men” on Southern Charm has me thinking about things that have happened to me in the past. I live in another very historic Southern city and the behavior is almost identical to what I’ve witnessed here over the years. Having said that, and especially in light of the fact that some of these people aren’t even Southern (JD, Craig, and Patricia), their behavior isn’t limited to people from the South at all. Misogyny abounds all over the world. And it isn’t confined to male-versus-female, either. Some of the worst woman-abusers out there are other women! I remember at one point in my young life I and my children desperately needed a place to stay so I moved into the spare room of the “boyfriend” of a “friend” of mine. She had broken up with him because he wouldn’t commit to her and implied that she also suspected he was gay, but they remained good friends. So when he needed a temporary roommate to help with bills and my two children and I needed a temporary place to stay while waiting for our new apartment to be vacated, we moved in with him. He was the artistic kind, had a good job as a photographer but also painted and was involved with other artistic projects. He had a very kind demeanor and was very easygoing, and my children liked him very much. We were only there for two months but in that time we became friends, or so I thought. One night after the children were asleep and I was sitting up watching TV in the room we all shared, I heard him tap on our door. I went out to speak with him and he asked me if I wanted to have a cup of tea and go over some household rules, the grocery situation, and other items so I joined him in the living room. It quickly became apparent that he was “interested” in me as more than a roomie. I didn’t know what to say without actually repeating what my “friend” had told me, that he was closeted gay but pretending to like women, without betraying her confidence. (This was the 1970s conservative South and he needed to be closeted to keep his job). I finally just had to say to him that I was very surprised to know he had that type of interest in me, to which he replied “Oh, I like women, I don’t know what &%$# has told you. I’m just a member of the HWLP Club.” Of course I asked him what he meant and he replied “HWLP Club means that I Hate Women But Love P&%$#.” Charming. He went on to inform me that a lot of heterosexual men were this way, they hate women, hate to hear them talk about anything, can’t stand the sound of their voices, don’t care about anything that matters to them, and all they want is to get in their pants, with no commitment nor friendship between them. Basically, any “hole” will do, but they prefer women. A booty call, I guess is what he meant, though I didn’t know that term at the time. Well, I got away from him right there, didn’t bother telling him what I thought since the children were in the house, and went to bed, locked my door, and sat up all night worrying about what we would do and where we would go. I ended up calling a family member and asking for help, we got one of those weekly-stay hotel rooms for the next couple of weeks, and got the hell out of his house the next day. The kids were upset, of course, but it couldn’t be helped. These Southern Charm-ers are proving this guy to be right. These “men” with their sometimes effeminate ways (Craig and Whitney), their total immaturity and lack of compassion (Whitney, JD), and unwillingness to commit (Shep and Thomas) remind me of that incident.

    -end of part 2-

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