SSSShhhhh!! Don’t Say Narcissist or Psychopath

I run into it all the time and have actually changed the way I talk about domestic abuse; I leave the word “narcissist” or “psychopath” out of the conversation. For whatever reason people just shut down when you give a name to the abuser. It’s like, yeah, he is abusive but he’s not a narcissist or a psychopath. 

Ok. I don’t like labels either, we can call him “abusive” if that makes you more comfortable. But refusing to acknowledge they exist (narcissists and psychopaths) does not make them go away, they are still out there and they are still in your life whether you know it or not. They are living in your neighborhood, teaching your children, they are doctors, police, soldiers, bankers and many of them are sleeping in the bed of a totally unsuspecting woman. A woman who is laying there wondering what the hell happened to the man she fell in love with, wondering what she did wrong and what she can change to bring the loving sweet man she met, back.

When someone you love changes so drastically from a sweet caring guy who thinks the sun rises and sets on you into a evil, cruel, man with loathing in his eyes; you automatically look for a reason why he changed, brain tumor? People envision a psychopath looking like a psychopath! eyes that burn into you, an evil smirk, disheveled hair, they are sure they could pick a psychopath out of the crowd. They would never fall in love with a psychopath.

People get stuck on what to call them, are they sociopaths, psychopaths, narcissists? They are all Anti-Social Disordered. That is a mouthful.

I was listening to a woman speak on domestic abuse survivors going back to their abuser. They go back on average 7 times before they leave for good, the reason for this is because as long as they think they have the power to fix the relationship they will keep going back. They will not stop until they have done absolutely everything they can to fix the relationship. That is what helped me stay away; every time I started to think I wanted to go back I would think about all the things I had changed trying to make it work, make him happy and nothing had worked; NOTHING! I tried to think of something I had not tried and couldn’t think of one thing, he had crossed every single boundary I had.

I didn’t know what I know now, what this woman was talking about; THEY CAN NOT CHANGE.

*NOTE I said they CAN NOT change, not they won’t, not they will not change, they can not change!! Their brains are wired differently, they do not have the capacity to feel guilt, empathy or remorse.

This woman said she showed brain scans to the victims of abuse and when they realized their ex was physically disabled and unable to change they were able to walk away.

I guess that is why being able to label the abuser becomes so important. The victims need to know, they can not “help”, fix or change him.

In order to stop domestic abuse, in order to save lives and educate society we have to call a spade a spade and admit they exist.

This is a link to a post I did a year ago

 

 

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14 thoughts on “SSSShhhhh!! Don’t Say Narcissist or Psychopath

  1. Great post! I’d appreciate it if women stopped thinking they have the skill set to fix anyone but themselves. I’d really love it if we all stopped thinking we had that type of power over others and their behavior, as if we’re God or Jesus Christ himself. I’d love it if all targets of psychopaths/sociopaths/narcissists put to rest their “savior” persona…cut cords to that entire “need to fix” and belief that others are somehow fixable just because we want to fix them. Psychopaths/sociopaths are addicts. They’re addicted to drama, chaos, controlling others, and playing the victim when it suits their needs. If the rest of us could simply realize that like all addicts, psychopaths/sociopaths won’t change unless they’re pushed to change by some type of disorienting dilemma, we could save ourselves a lot of brain cells trying to figure them out and trying to fix them. That dilemma will never, ever arrive because psychopaths/sociopaths don’t care who they hurt or if they even hurt themselves getting what they need. They need everyone convinced that we’re all co-dependent suckers, who wear our hearts on our sleeves and will do anything to eliminate the suffering of others. They need us to be puppets and fools for love and romance. It’s time we woke up to this and stopped looking to help people outside of ourselves or looking for love outside our own self-love. When was the last time you made love to yourself? It should be every effing day. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi
      I’m really struggling 7 mths after my Narcissistic bf ended it (after lying and cheating for years). I’m annoyed I can’t let go.

      Like

    • Paula! so good to see you drop by! you speak the truth for sure! After I had left my ex I was thinking how egotistical it was of me to think I had that much power over him. Not only to think I could fix him but also that I believed I had the power to make him do all the things he did. No woman can turn a man into an asshole and no woman can fix an asshole.
      We have to teach our young women to value themselves and love who they are and be as forgiving with themselves as they are with other people.
      Hugs

      Liked by 1 person

  2. wow…I have read this when you posted things before about how they “can not ” change” i have seen this first hand and you are so right..The look of contempt, hatred, envy( not so much the envy ).they look at you like you are a pile of throw up…unguarded moments , smirks sneak out and if you happen to catch them at it it it’s shocking..or at least i was shocked, right down to my socks..They are able to smile in your face while doing all manner of evil crap behind your back..and i have dealt with both sexes and it’s still the same..your emotions flip flop constantly because they are nice on second and hate filled the next,and the p.t.s.d. that develops from it is horrible. …I am sooo very THANKFUL i ran across your blog while searching for some kind of answer that made sense..every alarm bell in my body went off…30 signs of an N and he had 28 of them… very happy i am not in that “relationship” anymore, still dealing with all that but will overcome ..Have a blessed day Ms. Carrie !!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Carrie, you once again “hit the nail on the head”! It’s as though I wrote this myself. Thank you so much for sharing all of this insightfulness and wisdom. I only wish we could warn people, but I know but that is impossible because no one will listen.

    My parents are still convinced that my ex got a brain tumor… The sudden shift of his personality still has them shaking their head five years later.

    Again, great and valuable information! Keep up the amazing work! Just think of all the people that you are helping and saving with you wisdom and compassion! ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  4. After years of abuse, it still took his insistent cheating on me. When I realised he wasn’t going to stop cheating, that felt like a slap in my face. Thinking back, I’m like “What the hell did I put up with in the years before he even cheated on me”. I can’t believe it took his infidelity for me to finally say “enough is enough”.
    And then I read about these “anti-social disordered” people and everything clicked. It’s like all the good things, and the awful things finally came together to spell the word NARC.
    Thankfully, I was able to move on fairly quickly.
    Thank you so much for this post, I will keep it in mind not to call it narcissistic abuse anymore. Just “abuse” should be bad enough anyway.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. This post was great! I unfortunately made the mistake of telling my ex of 20 years that he was a narc and he needed to go get help for our children’s sake. This was before I read enough to know that
    1. That is one of the worst things you can do
    2. He is probably going to turn it on me and make me out to be one
    3. Telling him this is not going to make him want to “fix” himself

    The weird thing is is that he does acknowledge that there is something wrong with him. Several times he has told me that something is not right in his head and he doesn’t know how to fix it. I do feel sad about this but now know that I have to let it and him go because fixing him is not worth destroying myself anymore!

    Like

    • Alex, as much as they never admit fault or take any blame; they WILL admit they have a problem, poor souls, but they don’t know how to fix themselves. Maybe if they could find a woman who loved them enough that woman could fix them. *sarcasm* He is just tryin to hook you into staying with him, he has no desire to be fixed believe me, only to suck you in.
      They are pathological liars! if their lips are moving, they are lying.
      Hugs
      Carrie

      Like

  6. This post shows a very interesting perspective on domestic violence where, as how we interpret your stance to be, that we should call out abusers for what they are and conclude they cannot change their ways due to mental illnesses. Whilst you make a very good point that we should not excuse their behaviour and try justify their horrendous actions, blatant name calling and labelling is not an effective solution to the bigger issue here, that is domestic violence. The abuser in every situation should acknowledge and take responsibility for their actions regardless of their mental state however we as society should also show our support and offer rehabilitation solutions to those that are troubled. Rather than focusing on the abuser, we could also shift our focus to assisting the victims and ensuring they receive the proper support and services they require to identify signs of a troubled partner or build up the confidence to leave a toxic relationship.

    Thanks,

    Like

    • Onecoupleonepunch, I appreciate your comments but I did remove your link to your site. I realize that “they” say a person should comment on blogs in order to draw traffic to their new site but personally it offends me. I will certainly pass along website links when I find a site I feel is especially helpful and followers of my blog have shared helpful posts.
      Yes abusers “should” acknowledge and take responsibility for their actions but that does not happen often. As for rehabilitation, I don’t believe many abusers can be rehabilitated and if a victim is led to believe their abuser can be rehabilitated they are much more apt to stick around clinging to hope.
      I have found that it is all but impossible to “build the victim up” while they are still with the abuser and they need to hear they are not to blame and get away from the abuse before they can think clearly enough to see reality. They are suffering from cognitive dissonance, been and are being gas lighted, being lied to, blamed, and guilt ridden. Once they know their abuser can not be fixed and they leave and deal with their guilt and ptsd, THEN they can work on learning to set boundaries, trust their gut reactions, and learn to love themselves and not need the love or approval of a man to feel whole.
      This is one post of over 2000 on the topic of narcissists, psychopaths and domestic abuse.
      If the victim has any inclination that the abuser can change they will not leave and I have never seen an abuser change over the long term.
      Thanks for your input

      Like

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