If You Were Told You Could Keel Over Dead Any Minute

If you were told you could keel over dead at any minute would you waste your time worrying about what the narcissist is doing? Would you want to spend your last breaths dealing with the chaos and drama of the narcissist? I can’t imagine being with a narcissist and knowing I might die any minute and have him throwing some stupid temper tantrum because you aren’t worried about how it is affecting HIM! Can’t you just see it?

You come home from the doctor’s, after being told you should be in the hospital and could die any minute, tell the narcissist and ask for a hug. He looks up from texting someone on his phone with a look of total boredom, and rolls his eyes, as if to say, “Here we go again!” You try to hold back the tears because you know how he hates it when you cry and you don’t want to start a fight. Maybe you should have waited to say something, maybe you could have said it differently, you don’t want to sound like you are looking for sympathy or feel sorry for yourself; you just really need to know he loves you and to feel his arms around you.

But, like every other time you have needed him to be there for you; he isn’t. In fact, he starts a fight, tells you how selfish you are to walk in and lay that on him; don’t you ever think about other people’s feelings? He storms out of the house and you are left standing there, alone, again.

He has left his laptop sitting there open on his email so you decided to snoop and sure enough, you are not surprised to see he has a personal ad on POF again and has been talking to women. That’s probably where he is now.

Is that the way you want to live your life? dying slowly from heart ache before you finally leave this earth. Does he deserve any more of your precious time?

No matter how long you have been with him, he does not deserve another minute of your precious life.

Time flies by, not just when you are having fun, it flies by when you live in hell too. When you are always stressed over someone like the narcissist who thrives on trauma and drama time flies by and before you know it another year has slipped by. Then one day you realize you have been living like the movie Groundhog Day, repeating history over and over again, never resolving anything, walking on egg shells and 10 or 20 years have slipped by. You haven’t been living, sure you breath, you eat, you function; but have you been living? Your every waking moment has been consumed with thinking about the narcissist in some form or another. Either you are feeling guilty, snooping, begging, fighting, leaving him or going back to him, forgiving him, planning how you are going to talk to him in order to avoid a fight, cajoling him, placating him, making excuses for him, or trying to put the puzzle pieces together. When was the last time you just relaxed? laughed easily without watching for his reaction. When was the last time you asked for help doing something without carefully plotting out how you would approach the conversation and choosing your words, checking your body language and tone of voice?

This is not happy, this is not love, this is dysfunctional and it is killing you slowly.

I was moving boxes into my suite the other day and a section of one of my journals fell out on the floor, it was from 2009, only a few months after my ex had begged back into my life and told me I was the only woman he would ever love and all the woman he would ever need, when he promised me total honesty and I was writing about finding a personal ad, him refusing to admit any wrong doing, twisting the facts, blaming me……..I could look in any one of my journals spanning 10 years and I would have written the same things. What we fought about in year one was the same as what we fought about in year 10 only the abuse had gotten worse over the years and he didn’t hide his infidelity as well or come up with even believable lies. I had stopped hoping, praying for fidelity or honesty and had started praying he would at least come up with a good enough lie I could keep lying to myself.

I maintain that I would not change the past even if I could because of the inner growth and peace I have found in the process of healing myself but I am glad that I am not having to deal with him at this time of my life.

I had an appointment with my cardiologist today to hear the results of the tests I did last month. He said, “It’s not good.” and wanted to admit me to the hospital again. I hate hospitals and I see no point in going to the hospital unless I have had a heart attack again or they have plans to do surgery. I agreed to go to another specialist who will be the one who would put a pacemaker in or whatever other mechanism they decide I need. The doctor asked me if I knew my heart is working at less than 20%, I said I had a pretty good idea because all the technicians who tested me seemed surprised I was functioning at all, like walking, breathing, let alone able to go up stairs. The doctor nodded his head in agreement and said I shouldn’t be functioning near as well as I am and I could keel over dead at any minute. THAT was reassuring! I said but you haven’t seen what I can do, I can walk miles, I can landscape, I have had to move every few months the last couple of years and do it all by myself. He just shook his head and said again, “And you could drop dead at any time.”

I don’t know what to say about being told I could die any minute, any of us could die tomorrow crossing the street, we can’t live in bubble out of fear. I certainly don’t want to die, I have so much I want to do yet, I haven’t been able to get to know my grand daughter as I would have wanted simply because I haven’t had the money to get to her. I want to be around for my boy, I don’t want anyone to be sad, I don’t want Stella to wonder where I am and I sure the hell don’t want my ex pretending to cry.

What do I hope you all take away from this?

That life is short, far too short to waste it on the likes of a narcissist, you don’t know when your day will come. You think you can’t live without the N, you may think your heart is breaking and you will never find happiness again, you may think that you have all the time in the world to make it up to your kids that you spend all day in bed obsessing about the N. It took me 2 full years to even start to feel like I was healing and there was life after a Narcissist; but that is largely due to the fact that I didn’t go no contact for almost a year after we split.
I tell myself that anyone can go at any minute but being told, to your face that you should be dead and could be dead tomorrow really makes you think about how you want your last days on earth to be, what memory do you want your loved ones to have of you? you last words to be, your last actions to be?

I know you can’t rush healing, it takes time; but you do have a lot of control over how you heal and I am going to go over those steps again in my upcoming posts.

Advertisements

12 Replies to “If You Were Told You Could Keel Over Dead Any Minute”

    1. I did go home with news similar to this. More than once. Abject indifference would have been great but I got what you described. Irritation, embarrassment, anger that his life would be disrupted. I tried to get him to go with me to check ups. He only went once and I practically had to drag him them. On days I had tests not only would he refuse to go, he wouldn’t answer my calls when I was done. Not sure why I expected him to answer. He never answered me when I called otherwise. I’d have to call from a number he didn’t recognize to get him to answer.
      After 20 years I left! Turns out (I can easily see it now!) I was allowing him to make me sick. Almost 3 years out I’ve regained my health, happiness and am well on my way to regaining MYSELF!

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Oh Carrie….my thoughts and prayers are with you now. You are an amazing woman! What a shock for all those people to say that you are defying the odds. May you have peace as you face health decisions….much love

    Like

  2. I hope you get the care/treatment you need from the doctors. Please do not wait with recommended treatment(s), saying that only because my mother’s boyfriend recently thought he was ok to wait a while longer with treatments, but he was wrong and instead had some form of heart attack that would have killed him had not my mother been there… not saying it to scare you just to ask you to take all necessary steps for your health and to not wait too long.. 💜 I hope you can become as healthy as possible!

    Great post, I have had these same thoughts, that it would be horrible to stay with a narcissist and to have that be the last period of one’s life. That is what is also frustraring sometimes, when we watch other people who stay with narcissists.. Take care! Thanks for sharing this.

    Like

    1. carrie you are right life is so short im so sorry to hear this news please do the necessary things the doctor says i hate hospitals too i know how you feel i will do anything not to go but we need to be there for our children for as long as we can this has made me think today my health is too bad and i should be having more tests too oh there is always stress in ones life preventing us from just realising how precious life is thankyou for this post when i was with him he used to say i was using my illness as an excuse to not be with him and he didnt want a disabled wife they dont care at all even said if it was terminal he would of course have stayed huh unbelievable but you have made me think a lot today care for yourself carrie i wish you love and luck xxx

      Like

  3. I love this blog and your honest and heart wrenching, but very heart warming honesty. I really hope you get the care You need xx

    I am in slow slow healing from 4 years without sociopath Narcissistic ex. It’s been horrendous and I couldn’t leave him alone. Now after 4 years of caring for him, supporting him, talking of marriage… I’ve been blocked!! He hates me and I feel ashamed!!

    Like

  4. I agree with you Carrie. It just happened two months ago that the mother of my son in law suddenly died. She was just 65 and making plans, what she was going to do after her pension.
    A week later I had my testament changed (the N. was still in it) and I wrote down all the things I want for my funeral. I don’t want my kids to have troubles after I am gone.
    After 31 years with the N. and out for three years and on no contact for over two, I sometimes feel myself lucky with my good health.
    I would say to all the ones who read your posts and still wondering what to do. GET OUT. As soon as possible. Staying in is to traumatizing . Getting out is traumatizing too, but it will get better day after day. I spent half of my live with the N. Maybe it is going to be a third. Than two third of my live will be okay. You will never know before.
    I hope I will read your sublime posts the coming years.

    Like

  5. I read this with a very heavy heart. I’ve spent the past 48 hours making funeral arrangements for a very dear friend who has been in a nightmare relationship with an abusive narcissist. I have tried to help ..I gave her the websites..the books…all of the information I could find. She had a young baby at home by this man. The last two years of her life..(well..more than that counting the entire relationship) have been a living hell with this man. She lost everything..her sanity included and wound up on a ton of anti anxiety medication. She overdosed on it Tuesday morning..2 hours before her court date to permanently remove this man out of her life. My point is..I gave her all of this information..and advice..when I wasn’t taking it to heart myself. Ive still been in contact with my N. Not the way I was..but still enough to cause myself my own heartache. This was the worst wake up call ever!Prayers to you Carrie. I hope everything goes well.

    Like

  6. Carrie, this breaks my heart. Please take care of yourself – your best years are ahead of you.

    I fell in love with an N so quickly about 3 weeks after my husband of 23 years took off across the country with no sign of trouble (yet we are still friends – he’s normal, just was dealing with some things). I should have realized I was a vulnerable target, but God, the attention was so nice. My N came on like a freight train. After about 3 weeks I was so confused by something he said that I actually Googled the sentence he said. As in “Who would say this?” And that’s how I started to learn about NPD. I am completely heartbroken. He has not yet gotten past the love-bombing phase, not in the least. But I sensed this was not a normal relationship. He said he loved me way too soon. And I don’t get a second to myself when I am at home. Literally, if I get up to go to the bathroom, he asks where I’m going. He’s so fricking charming, funny, sexy, etc. And it’s like my heart is pre-broken because I’m already so owned by this man and I know what’s coming. I wake up every day and know that I need to put an end to this, but by the end of the work day I say to myself that I will allow one more day because it is sublime. I keep thinking that I’ll be okay because I know what’s coming, but I truly know better. There has not been the slightest chink in his armor yet. He is highly intelligent and so much fun to be around. And he knows that I know something, but he hasn’t quite put his finger on it yet. I’ve even said the words “You have Narcissistic Personality Disorder” to him and it’s like it didn’t even register. I guess that’s because an N cannot bear to think that is what he is. I think I did that just so that something in his subconscious would click and tell him that he needed to continue laying the foundation a bit before going for the jugular. He knows I am holding something back. And he digs and digs and digs. I was fortunate enough to learn about this in time to not have revealed my deepest, darkest secrets.

    Sometimes I lie awake waiting for the devaluing to start. And pre-planning what a train-wreck of a motherfucking response I’ll have. I WILL not lay down and die. There’s still a little bit of me in me. But already I wonder how my life will go on when he goes. He’s already made himself my entire world. And I didn’t see that. I was already so sad with my husband and son leaving, and it was just so nice to have someone who I thought cared. I keep on wanting this to not be what it is. I don’t know whether my psyche can take losing my husband and then so quickly having to put an end to this. I think it will literally kill me.

    Like

    1. It will be worse if you let it go on. But if you’ve been learning about narcissism, you probably already know that. Take heed in everything you read and get out. These people literally suck the energy out of those that love them (or more accurately cling to them). You will likely get sick and it’s seriously not easy to recover. It’s not love. It becomes an addiction, if it’s not already.

      He most likely heard what you said when you told him he has NPD and tucked it away to use it later for god knows what reason. They will use things you’ve said in the past against you in the future. They collect ‘data’ and when the opportunity presents itself, they use it like a weapon.

      His hovering, not giving you space is setting you up to get hooked and it sounds like you are already. That is not a healthy way to be. Adults need space and give each other space to be with themselves.

      It’s a 2 year old child that wants to know where you’re going every time you get up to use the bathroom, go to the kitchen, etc.

      I can relate to your thought process about ending it and then by the end of the day you change your mind. That’s probably addiction and wanting to fill some empty space within yourself. (Speaking from experience.)

      Run girl, while you still have the chance. Get through the pain now because it will so much more difficult later.

      Like

  7. I went through this too. I became so sick with headaches, vomiting everyday if he and I had an altercation or if I had an emotional upset it put me in bed to “sleep it off”.

    I left three years ago. I have stability now. Things are maybe 70-80 % normal. I have anxiety issues and avoid a lot of situations bc of stress. Still, Leaving was the very best thing I did!

    Learning not to repeat patterns and learning to enjoy life. It’s ok to be happy!

    Thank You So Much for sharing your story.

    Like

Don't be shy, add your comments

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s