Inner Peace And Where To Find It

Inner-Peace

First of all what is inner peace? I have had people who challenge me when I say I have inner peace because my life is not blissful and I am not always happy happy happy, so how can I have inner peace?

Here is one definition taken from this site

http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Definition_Inner_Peace.html

One meaning of peace refers to inner peace: a state of mind, body and perhaps soul, a peace within ourselves. People that experience inner peace say that the feeling is not dependent on time, people, place, or any external object or situation, asserting that an individual may experience inner peace even in the midst of war.

The really great thing about inner peace is; you are in total control of it, no one else can ever mess with it, no one else can give it to you, so consequently, no one can take it away.

Like I was saying in my last post, I was broken in a million pieces, filled with pain and self doubt, didn’t have a clue who I was any more, suicidal, hopeless, and desperate to find a way to carry on. That is when I unwittingly went on my quest to find inner peace. I thought I was trying to survive, I didn’t know where the journey was going to take me or that I would end up being grateful for everything that happened to me because the end reward was so monumental.

In an attempt to find myself and find a way to carry on, because I didn’t even know who I was any more; I decided to take everything my ex said I was and honestly assess if it was true. I kept beating myself up over not trying harder, the new woman must be doing something better than me, my ex loved to rub my nose in the fact that he didn’t have to screw around on her, he didn’t have to lie to her, she was calm and rational, nothing like me.

I could definitely see there had been times I was not perfect, I also knew I had apologized and never done it again if I did something wrong. I knew I had been honest with him and faithful the whole 10 years. I asked myself ( We all know when we have screwed up, even if we don’t admit it, I forced myself to be totally honest with myself, I knew it was the only way I was ever going to deal with the whole thing) was he right?

When I looked at it honestly and asked myself honestly, “What more could I have done?” I had to admit, There was nothing more I could have done, no more compromises I could have made. I asked myself what could I have done differently? and I honestly could not come up with one thing, except; I could have and should have left earlier because he had ignored every single boundary I had, and I had to admit; he could not have done that if I had not let him.

I could not stand the thought that I was responsible for destroying the greatest love of my life, so once I had resolved within myself that I had indeed done all I could to save the relationship and make it work I was able to start on myself.

The next thing I had plaguing me was; was he treating the new woman better than he treated me? Was she reaping the reward of all my hard work? Did she love him better than I had? what was she doing different? I drove myself crazy. Then I remembered the serenity prayer and the truth it speaks; we only have control over our own actions and we have to let go of what we have no control over.

Don’t think I never had those haunting voices in my head saying maybe it was my fault, ever again; because to this day they will sneak in when I let my guard down. Out of nowhere I will hear in the distance of my mind a voice that is barely discernible, “Maybe it was you, maybe his new woman loves him better, maybe he has changed, maybe it was all your fault.”

Something you may not realize is this; our brain only knows what we put in it, it does not control us, we control it. We do have the power to change what we think about. The problem is, the narcissist pounded into our heads that if we only would do this or that, or it was our flaws that drove him to be abusive, cheat, leave us. Our brain isn’t able to discern whether it is the truth or not; logically we know it is not the truth but our brain is so accustomed to taking the blame for everything it is our “go to” reaction. Another thing you may not realize is; every time we think those negative thoughts we are embedding the thought deeper into our psyche and making it harder to change our thought patterns. We need to stop our brain when we find it focusing on the lie and retrain it to believe the truth.

What IS the truth? You know the truth, you have always known the truth, you just didn’t want to believe it. I wasn’t in your relationship, but still, if you were involved with a narcissist I can pretty well tell you how your relationship went and I know, just from living life, watching other people, listening to my gut……

How-Does-Islam-Give-Inner-Peace-02

Here are some truths:

  1. An abusive person is never abusive to only one person in their lifetime, they have a history of abusing people.
  2. There is no way you are such a bad person that a normal loving caring man HAD to abuse you and only you.
  3. No one can fall in love in a matter of a couple of weeks, they can be infatuated, they can be in lust, they can be in really big “like” but not in love.
  4. No one can make another person an asshole, we don’t have the power to make someone as asshole any more than we have the power to stop being an asshole.
  5. IF he was THAT miserable being with you he should have left long ago and not played the push pull game, keeping you walking on egg shells wondering what the hell was going on.
  6. You did everything you could to make him happy and he kept changing the rules and was never happy, you were never going to find the “magic” combination that would have kept him happy and neither will the new “soul mate”.
  7. YOU were not happy!! this is the big one!! you were so busy trying to figure out how to make him happy you totally ignored the fact that you were miserably unhappy and cried almost daily because of the way he treated you.
  8. The relationship was over a long time ago, you just refused to accept it.
  9. He proved to you time after tie he did not respect you and was not really concerned about losing you or he would have treated you better.
  10. Even IF things are great with his new woman, they were horrible with you, he treated YOU like shit, you can’t do anything about how he treats the new woman, but you have total control over how he treats you.

In my next post I will talk about putting the pieces of me back together against and started to become my most authentic self.

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11 thoughts on “Inner Peace And Where To Find It

  1. I’m confused and trying to figure out if my “boyfriend” is an N. From every single thing I have read he fits the description perfectly. I guess I feel like because I’m not qualified to diagnose him I might be unfairly labeling him. But really I’m just trying to figure out what is going on and make sense of all the weird things that have happened over the last 6 years. I feel like my head is constantly spinning from trying to figure out why he did this or said that. Why he treats me the way he does and lies oh my gosh the LIES. He’s an alcoholic and has previously used drugs but claims he is not on any drugs right now and only drinks. I’m not sure what I believe anymore. I started researching drug addicts and their behaviors and that’s when I stumbled on all the stuff about narcissist. And it felt like a big bright spotlight turned on. A little backstory on us. We met 6 years ago in a bar. My friend had just started dating his friend and so we began talking. I actually introduced myself to him and I often look back on that as being the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. I knew right away there were a lot of red flags so I kept things casual. We had alot of fun together and dated for the next few months. I started thinking I was wrong about the red flags. He had charmed me and was so funny, attentive, wanted to spend every second together. We grew closer and he told me he had feelings for me. The next night he blew me off and didn’t show up for our date. I quickly found out thru friends that he had started hanging out with another girl. When I confronted him about it he said sorry I just don’t think things are going to work out with us. She’s more motivated in life than u. She’s going to school to be a nurse and u “simply” run a business with your dad. I was crushed but thought that he was just a jerk and chalked it up to a lesson learned. He began bringing her into the bar and would come down and try and talk to me while she was there. It ended up in a yelling match after he came down and tried to rub on my shoulder. I let him have it and let her know what he was doing. After that incident we didn’t speak for 8 months. That should have been the end of the story and I wish it was. He continued to come in the bar that I hung out at and would sit and stare at me while I was with my friends and would play songs on the jukebox that had meaning for us. We didn’t speak a word to each other for 8 months. Then one night I let my guard down and told him happy birthday. That was all it took and from that night it has been hell. He asked me to go outside and talk to him he confessed his undying love for me, he couldn’t stop thinking about me, he would be driving down the road and just see my face appear. He would be thinking of me and he would see me at the gas station or pass a car that looked like mine. He would see my work truck or hear a song that was “ours” it was fate and he realized we were soul mates and meant to be together. Problem was he was still with the girl that he left me for because there was things I didn’t know about and he couldn’t leave right now. The harder I pushed for an answer he finally said that he was trying to gain custody of his children. That his ex wife had accused him of abandoning the kids when he got with his new girlfriend and she was just jealous and taking it out on the kids. He needed to stay with this new girlfriend and move into a house with her in order to gain custody. I told him we could be friends but as long as he was in a relationship nothing else would be going on. He said he was fine with that. And then over the next couple of months he always had some problem or reason to stop by my house to talk and the visits were always unannounced and he just needed someone he could vent to. I would sit and listen to him and his problems. It didn’t take long before I became weak and gave in to more than a friendship. He promised that as soon as he could he would leave her. He did win custody of his kids but there was always some reason he couldn’t leave, something came up every time. I believed all of this. Yes I was that stupid. I really thought he was really going to leave her and we was going to have a happy life together eventually that he just needed time. He would leave for short periods of time whenever I would start backing away and telling him I was reaching my limit with the situation. A weekend here, a week there, then a couple weeks but it never lasted and he always went back to her. This went on for years. The whole time he was leading a double life and she had no idea. And he would claim that yes he was a liar and cheater when it came to her but that was only because he was so deeply in love with me and he would never treat me that way ever. That I was the one he was honest with. Yea right. But yet again I believed it all. Through all this time whenever I would get fed up and try to move on with my life he would make it impossible. He would show up where I was working at and it was even worse if I ignored him. I remember one time in a gas station parking lot he was screaming I WONT BE IGNORED and peeled out and almost hit a truck. If I tried to speak to another man he would run them off anyway he could. He would show up at my house and hysterically cry and beg me until I let him come inside. He wouldn’t eat for days if I refused to talk to him. He would show up very skinny and his face sunken in and depressed. None of this made any sense to me. I would ask him why are u behaving this way? If u don’t want things to be like this then change your situation. He would tell me I just didn’t understand. After he would wear me down to the point where I would start talking to him again and I always did because he was relentless things would be good for a few weeks and he would treat me like gold during this time and be making his plans to move out and then something would happen he would get mad over something small, meaningless or sometimes even completely made up in his head and he would stop speaking to me for the next couple weeks and he would rub his relationship with her in my face on social media or thru friends. Each and every time I would be devastated and have to rebuild myself back up and by the time I got to feeling better well there he was wanting to come back around and THIS TIME everything was going to be different. It never was. It was the same pattern over and over again for years. My family and friends begged me to leave him alone, to learn my lesson and to be done with him. But I bought into all of the this is fate we are meant to be together BS. I thought we was bumping into each other throughout the day by fate and never realizing that he was out driving around looking for me. I guess I so desperately wanted to believe in all of that. He would tell me that he never loved anyone the way he loved me and that love scared him so much and that’s why he would keep his distance but it wouldn’t always be like that and he wanted to grow old with me. We had a special bond one that no one could break or take away. His actions NEVER matched his words. It just didn’t make any sense to me. Finally after 4 years of dealing with this stuff I finally found the strength to tell him NO MORE and to leave me alone. And for a couple of months he did. I didn’t hear anything from him at all. He had blocked me on social media and I hadn’t bumped into him while working and he hadn’t showed up at my house. I started to really feel like I could move on with my life. I started dating a friend of mine that I had known for a couple of years but had never given him a chance. We got closer and started to have a good relationship. About a month into this new relationship we was just settling in to watch a movie and I began getting message after message. He was starting his stuff again. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t know what to do. Looking back I should have just turned my phone off but I think the same result would’ve happened anyway. I messaged back and said now is not a good time and I didn’t answer anymore messages. A half hour later as we’re sitting there watching the movie I hear his very loud truck in front of my house revving his engine over and over. My new guy wanted me to call the police but I couldn’t bring myself to do that. I went outside and asked him to leave. He threw a fit. Yelling, screaming, crying, begging me to make my new guy leave. When I told him he needed to stop this and go home then he started being threatening. Saying he was gonna kill him or destroy his car. I finally got him to leave without any incidents. After he realized that I was actually seeing someone new something I had never done before then he claimed to be ready to change. He went and looked at houses and took his son with him but he wanted me to stop seeing the new guy immediately before any changes were made. I refused. So he eventually became angry that I wasn’t doing what he wanted and he quit talking to me again. I dated the new guy for close to 6 months but we decided to break it off and remain friends because we just felt like the timing wasn’t right for us. And honestly I couldn’t put my heart in it because I was still hung up with the other. Once my N found out through friends that I was single again he instantly came back around and told me all of the things he had realized again and how he was never gonna let me go this time. He would do whatever it takes. He did actually move out of her house and into his own house. I thought things were great and we’re gonna finally work out this time. And then He began to act odd. He started treating me in weird ways. Suddenly nothing I said or did was right. He had a problem with everything. He began pointing out my flaws constantly. He had never acted like this before. He had been a jerk and liar but he had never put me down. Now it was all he was doing. One day while i was working I started receiving all these texts from him they were links to different doctors that perform breast augmentation and he proceeded to text me and tell me that if I wanted to please him I should really get a boob job. Keep in mind that we have already been together for years before this and he never had given any hint of dissatisfaction with how my body looked up until this point. At first I thought he was joking and didn’t take it seriously and the text kept coming in telling me he would get his son to cover for me for work and I should schedule the appointment in the summer and I finally responded and told him I’m not interested in having a boob job. Then he proceeded to text me back repeatedly text after text before I had the time to respond because I was working and tell me how he couldn’t believe how I didn’t want to satisfy my man and don’t be surprised if he has to look elsewhere. I finally got a chance to text him back and told him how rude he was being and where did all this come from?? He called me a bitch for calling him out on his rude behavior and then he stopped talking to me. He wouldn’t speak to me but humiliated me by telling everyone about how I took things the wrong way and he was just trying to joke around with me about it and that I was too sensitive. I am certain he was NOT joking. He criticized every single thing about me. I had never met his family and he kept telling me that his dad would never like me as much as he did his ex and he doubted his kids would either. I don’t have kids of my own and he would bring that up all the time and say I just didn’t know how to be around kids. I’ve been around lots of kids. Nothing he was saying was making any sense and he wasn’t even giving me a chance with anyone. He was just making assumptions and making me feel horrible about myself. Then I found out that he was still seeing his ex behind my back. He had just reversed her role and mine. I was just devastated and so confused. I thought this man had been waiting all this time to be with me and would be so happy to be with me and obviously none of it was real. I immediately cut ties with him once again and tried to go on with my life. Then he came back even stronger he confessed that he had been hooked on prescription pills and that was why he was behaving the way he was. He told me that he wanted to be honest with me for the first time in our relationship about everything and said that he had never been a football player at the high school that we both went to. I did not know him in high school we went to a very big school and was a few years apart in age. The first night we met and started talking and realized we had went to the same school he had told me that he had been a football player there and over the years had told me numerous stories about games he had played in, locker room stories all kinds of stories. I had no reason to ever not believe him. Well it turned out to all be a lie. All those stories and there was a lot of them were all completely made up. He texted his ex and told her he wanted to be with me now and he put it on Facebook and said no more lies, no more games everything was out in the open and now we could finally be happy. Being happy lasted for a month. During this time I found out that my dad had colon cancer and was going to have to go in for immediate surgery. My work load increased about 3 times what it had been and all he cared about was that I was not going to be able to spend every night with him like he wanted me to do. He again started acting moody and wouldn’t talk to me again for days. One night his son calls me as i was getting ready for bed and says that he fell to the ground and passed out and he couldn’t wake him up. His son was very upset. I told him to call 911 and I rushed over there it took me about 15 mins to get there. The ambulance was already taking him to the hospital by the time I got there. I took his son and we went to the hospital. The doctors couldn’t find anything wrong with him. They had no explanation for what happened. I stayed with him until they released him and took him home at 4am. I had to leave to be at work in 2 hours and he once again got mad at me for not staying with him. Even though he knew there was no one to cover for me at work. My dad was in the hospital and I was running everything I couldn’t not go. He said I didn’t care about him in the same way that he cared about me. I tried constantly over the next few months to make things work. I tried to be with him as much as I could, I walked on eggshells to not upset him. I would spend a bunch of money on food for him and his children and go out of my way to cook for them or do special things. It was never enough. He was never happy. A few months ago things came to a head once again. He had moved into his dad’s house to save some money. His dad had moved into another house so this current house was going to be empty for awhile while it was being fixed up to be sold so he could live there cheaply. It was also much closer to my house so I started staying with him about 4 nights a week. One morning I woke up with bug bites all over me. I told him about it and he said he didn’t know where they had come from but I certainly couldn’t have gotten them from his house. I hadn’t slept in my own bed for 2 days. These were brand new bites. I tried to explain this to him and he said he would check things out after he got home from work. Then he called me later on and said he didn’t find anything and there was nothing to worry about. I thought well maybe it was a spider or something and I wasn’t horribly concerned. I went back over there to spend the night. At 3am I woke up with bites all over me. I knew there was a problem. I tried to wake him up and tell him and he just yelled at me. So I left and came home. I took off my clothes and put them in the washer and took a shower. By the time I got out of the shower the bites were so much worse. I had a horrible allergic reaction. For days I was miserable and itchy. I begged him to call an exterminator and find out what was going on. That I needed to know what I was so allergic to. He refused. He said there was nothing there and whatever was biting me was coming from my own house. I tried to explain to him that this was impossible but he wouldn’t listen he just became angrier. He refused to talk to me once again. He wouldn’t answer my calls or texts and then one day text me and said he didn’t think this relationship was working and wished me luck in finding someone who could make me happy. I was so fed up. I decided to change my life. I wasn’t going to live this way anymore. I needed everything in my life to be healthy. I needed to live for me now and not him anymore. I started working out and lost some weight. I was feeling great about myself and then he came back around again. Well this time I wasn’t caving like every other time. I told him if he wanted us to work out he was gonna have to change and he was gonna have to prove that before we got back together. I told him he needed to see a therapist to learn how to work through his issues and that he needed to get an exterminator because I would not and could not make myself accessible to another allergic reaction like that. He agreed to it all as long as I would spend some time with him. He finally admitted that he had found bed bugs but he had killed them all. He went to 2 therapy sessions and then stopped going saying that he wasn’t going to pay someone to tell him everything is his fault. To this day he has still not had an exterminator to his house and I haven’t been back over there. For someone who was begging me for weeks to give him another chance and to just let him prove himself. He no longer cares to do any of that apparently. He is not speaking to me again. He is refusing to go back to therapy and seems perfectly happy to be away from me again. 2 weeks ago he stopped telling me he loved me. I asked him why and he said he wasn’t going to get into it with me. I guess he is trying to punish me although I have no idea for what. I haven’t done anything wrong to him. I had him and his children to my house for Father’s Day. I bought him gifts and made all his favorite food. Everything seemed ok on that day and then the next few days he once again quit talking to me. When I asked why he told me that communication is not important to a relationship at all and is only important to me because I’m nosy. So I am left sitting here once again trying to make sense of everything. It’s so confusing and I really don’t know what to do. There is a lot more to this story I only gave brief highlights. There has been soooo many things that have happened that i could write a novel. I just wish i could understand. Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated

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    • He’s shown you what he’s capable of and who he really is. His nice acts are just that – acts.

      You don’t deserve to be emotionally jerked around, but you are enabling it.

      Decent people don’t tear other people down.

      For me, I had to come to the realization that the ‘good’ person I thought he was was just a farce and the hateful, vicious person who he really was. That ‘good’ person was never coming back because he wasn’t real.

      I hope you’re able to get and stay away from him, for your sake.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thank u for your response! I really appreciate u taking the time. My head knows that what u are saying is the truth. I have felt for a long time now that the good him is only an act. I just wish I could get my heart to feel it. Hopefully in time it will…

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        • It’s not easy, that’s for sure!

          I can’t remember when it actually happened for me, but once I realized he was actually evil, that there was nothing wrong with me, and that I’d been duped, it was easier then to let go and walk away for good.

          Up until then, I was still open to him changing and holding out hope we could have our happily ever after. I had even moved out and when he called boohoo’ing, I actually considered letting him move in with me! It’s crazy thinking back on that now. The venom and malicious hatred that he’d spew and I was still feeling compassion towards him. Not any more though., and that’s great.

          I hope you make it to that peace in your heart.

          Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m really happy for u that u are not in that place anymore and was able to get past it. I really struggle with seeing him as evil. I find myself making excuses for his behavior and I know that’s not right. It’s a very frustrating situation

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    • Laura,
      You can spend the next 10 years or the rest of your life doing exactly what you have been doing, repeating history waiting for your heart to stop loving him. One day he will leabe you for good because he will have depleted you of every ounce of your self esteem and any sense of yourself you have ever had.
      You must realize that your brain is playing tricks on you. Like a drug addict who knows the drug is killing them and not good for them it keeps telling them they need it, it will feel good like it used to. So they keep going back to using expecting that same feeling of uphoria and the never get it.
      The longer you are in contact with him the deeper the addiction, the more you need him because the more you have invested until you get pregnant and then you will be even more invested, more in need of his support and you will have another reason to stay and invest more.
      He knows now that you will accept the position of 2nd place, you will be there no matter what he does so every time you take him back he thinks “ha!! I got away with that; how far can I push her?” He will be expecting a threesome next, or he will marry someone else, he will play you as long as you let him until you hate yourself and feel no one else would ever want you anyway.
      It will never get easier to walk away. You have to make the break and go no contact in order to see and think clearly. You have to admit the truth and keep telling yourself it never was love from him; you will never get it back because it never existed. He was actin in order to hook you in and he is acting whenever he needs to pull you back in.
      It’s over. You just won’t accept the truth. You are the only one who can stop him from hurting you. I want told that once when I was crying aND asking “why does he keep hurting me??” “Because you keep letting him.”
      You have the power to stop this cycle of abuse.
      Use it!!
      We are here as support
      Hugs
      Carrie

      Liked by 2 people

  3. I never believed in love spells or magic until I met this spell caster once when i went to see my friend in Indian this year on a business summit. I met a man who’s name is Dr KWAMME he is really powerful and could help cast spells to bring back one’s gone, lost, misbehaving lover and magic money spell or spell for a good job or luck spell .I’m now happy & a living testimony cos the man i had wanted to marry left me 5 weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down cos our relationship has been on for 3years. I really loved him, but his mother was against us and he had no good paying job. So when i met this spell caster, i told him what happened and explained the situation of things to him. At first i was undecided,skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try. And in 7 days when i returned to Canada, my boyfriend (now husband) called me by himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with his mom and family and he got a new job interview so we should get married. I didn’t believe it cos the spell caster only asked for my name and my boyfriends name and all i wanted him to do. Well we are happily married now and we are expecting our little kid, and my husband also got the new job and our lives became much better. For those in need of something that seems not forth coming, here is His email is IRREVOCABLEOUTCOMES @ GMAIL . COM

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  4. I know my ex is evil and being away from him is suppose to be a good thing. Sadly it seems to be a trade of one kind of bad life for just another kind .I have a roof over my head and food. The depression doesn’t seem to lift . The anxiety and paranoia are about the same. It’s just all for different reasons. The physical abuse not only battered my body but the abuse in general battered my mind. I am not bouncing back like I would when I was young. I am seeing an excellent psychiatrist and we will hope he can help me. It is not so easy pulling yourself up by your boot straps and going forward. Honestly, I want to cut my hair short, color it different, change my name and move far away. Moving is not an option. Be damned if money doesn’t rule your options. My body recovered from the bruises but my brain is bruised and I am not sure I will ever have peace. I am no contact 16 months. All of them hell , one kind or memory of another.

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    • Brook – I understand completely where you are coming from. It’s frustrating feeling like the depression will never leave. I’ve even said, multiple times, that I have a great life now (and I do), but I’ll be damned if I don’t just feel broken with no clue how to ‘fix’ myself. I’ve lost count, can’t remember specific dates anymore, but I’m no contact about 4 years now.

      I do have to say that the ‘bad’ days are less and less. I’m holding out that I’ll be able to look back some day and realize that I am at peace even if I didn’t notice it happening in the moment.

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      • brook hart i am also suffering terrible depression not really interested in anything feel in a sort of weird zone i left an egg to boil for 2hours more than one time cant remember things panic feelings about anything any sort of stress its very hard feel like a square peg in round hole get some better days but i know how you feel scared of anymore hurt or change oh well on a positive we all are here to support you i know there is light in the end its a normal process im just riding the waves i listen to music all night sometimes that helps one day at a time wishing you well xxx

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