First of all what is inner peace? I have had people who challenge me when I say I have inner peace because my life is not blissful and I am not always happy happy happy, so how can I have inner peace?
Here is one definition taken from this site
One meaning of peace refers to inner peace: a state of mind, body and perhaps soul, a peace within ourselves. People that experience inner peace say that the feeling is not dependent on time, people, place, or any external object or situation, asserting that an individual may experience inner peace even in the midst of war.
The really great thing about inner peace is; you are in total control of it, no one else can ever mess with it, no one else can give it to you, so consequently, no one can take it away.
Like I was saying in my last post, I was broken in a million pieces, filled with pain and self doubt, didn’t have a clue who I was any more, suicidal, hopeless, and desperate to find a way to carry on. That is when I unwittingly went on my quest to find inner peace. I thought I was trying to survive, I didn’t know where the journey was going to take me or that I would end up being grateful for everything that happened to me because the end reward was so monumental.
In an attempt to find myself and find a way to carry on, because I didn’t even know who I was any more; I decided to take everything my ex said I was and honestly assess if it was true. I kept beating myself up over not trying harder, the new woman must be doing something better than me, my ex loved to rub my nose in the fact that he didn’t have to screw around on her, he didn’t have to lie to her, she was calm and rational, nothing like me.
I could definitely see there had been times I was not perfect, I also knew I had apologized and never done it again if I did something wrong. I knew I had been honest with him and faithful the whole 10 years. I asked myself ( We all know when we have screwed up, even if we don’t admit it, I forced myself to be totally honest with myself, I knew it was the only way I was ever going to deal with the whole thing) was he right?
When I looked at it honestly and asked myself honestly, “What more could I have done?” I had to admit, There was nothing more I could have done, no more compromises I could have made. I asked myself what could I have done differently? and I honestly could not come up with one thing, except; I could have and should have left earlier because he had ignored every single boundary I had, and I had to admit; he could not have done that if I had not let him.
I could not stand the thought that I was responsible for destroying the greatest love of my life, so once I had resolved within myself that I had indeed done all I could to save the relationship and make it work I was able to start on myself.
The next thing I had plaguing me was; was he treating the new woman better than he treated me? Was she reaping the reward of all my hard work? Did she love him better than I had? what was she doing different? I drove myself crazy. Then I remembered the serenity prayer and the truth it speaks; we only have control over our own actions and we have to let go of what we have no control over.
Don’t think I never had those haunting voices in my head saying maybe it was my fault, ever again; because to this day they will sneak in when I let my guard down. Out of nowhere I will hear in the distance of my mind a voice that is barely discernible, “Maybe it was you, maybe his new woman loves him better, maybe he has changed, maybe it was all your fault.”
Something you may not realize is this; our brain only knows what we put in it, it does not control us, we control it. We do have the power to change what we think about. The problem is, the narcissist pounded into our heads that if we only would do this or that, or it was our flaws that drove him to be abusive, cheat, leave us. Our brain isn’t able to discern whether it is the truth or not; logically we know it is not the truth but our brain is so accustomed to taking the blame for everything it is our “go to” reaction. Another thing you may not realize is; every time we think those negative thoughts we are embedding the thought deeper into our psyche and making it harder to change our thought patterns. We need to stop our brain when we find it focusing on the lie and retrain it to believe the truth.
What IS the truth? You know the truth, you have always known the truth, you just didn’t want to believe it. I wasn’t in your relationship, but still, if you were involved with a narcissist I can pretty well tell you how your relationship went and I know, just from living life, watching other people, listening to my gut……
Here are some truths:
- An abusive person is never abusive to only one person in their lifetime, they have a history of abusing people.
- There is no way you are such a bad person that a normal loving caring man HAD to abuse you and only you.
- No one can fall in love in a matter of a couple of weeks, they can be infatuated, they can be in lust, they can be in really big “like” but not in love.
- No one can make another person an asshole, we don’t have the power to make someone as asshole any more than we have the power to stop being an asshole.
- IF he was THAT miserable being with you he should have left long ago and not played the push pull game, keeping you walking on egg shells wondering what the hell was going on.
- You did everything you could to make him happy and he kept changing the rules and was never happy, you were never going to find the “magic” combination that would have kept him happy and neither will the new “soul mate”.
- YOU were not happy!! this is the big one!! you were so busy trying to figure out how to make him happy you totally ignored the fact that you were miserably unhappy and cried almost daily because of the way he treated you.
- The relationship was over a long time ago, you just refused to accept it.
- He proved to you time after tie he did not respect you and was not really concerned about losing you or he would have treated you better.
- Even IF things are great with his new woman, they were horrible with you, he treated YOU like shit, you can’t do anything about how he treats the new woman, but you have total control over how he treats you.
In my next post I will talk about putting the pieces of me back together against and started to become my most authentic self.