I Had To Share This Post From Chump Lady

Here is the post from Chump Lady

As I was reading it I couldn’t help thinking, “Come on lady! you don’t know when to tell him you are dumping his sorry ass? You are still there and willing to stay behind with the children while he goes off to live his life with God knows who?” But I am no one to talk.

When you are in the middle of this kind of shit show you are not thinking straight. It is so obvious to everyone else but your heart and your head are not connecting, you aren’t thinking straight, you are so accustomed to having your feelings ignored and being treated like you are the sick warped one; you can’t think clearly and protect yourself.

When my ex went to Sudan with a Christian Charity to do “missionary” work we were split but still “dating”. He had multiple personal ads from Russian Brides to Ashley Madison (btw I thought Ashley Madison was like Victoria Secret and had no idea it was a cheating site. Naive yes I know). I thought it was the most unselfish thing he had ever done and if he followed through and actually went I would give him another chance when he came back. I allowed him to stay with me until he left and his mother and I promised to contact each other when one of us heard from him because he was going to be so far from any kind of civilization communication was going to be difficult. I won’t go into the whole story because I wrote about it here. I warn you, it is a long post and was written in 2012 so I was not fully healed and still discovering the depth to my ex’s evilness.

After just rereading it I am amazed at what I put up with and what I lived with, all those years wasted worrying about whether he had personal ads, impregnated anyone, still communicating with some young woman in Sudan. I should have kicked his ass to the curb years prior to any of this crazy shit happening.

I hope the woman who wrote to Chump Lady takes her advice to heart but I have my doubts; she will want to be fair and honest and will tell him what she is planning in hopes he will finally realize she is serious and not want to lose her. He will lay some guilt trip on her and she will doubt herself and cling to the dream and hope, just happy that he told her a good enough lie that she could continue to lie to herself.

I am hoping this post will help some of you to realize how out of touch with reality the victim gets and you will truly understand why no contact is so vital to recovery and ever finding happiness.

 

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6 thoughts on “I Had To Share This Post From Chump Lady

  1. My heart breaks for the pain suffered by those readers who have been left by the cheating narcissist–especially when the new “other woman” is thrown in their face. I just want to add, though, that there may be some others where the narcissist is just as much a cheater, just as much of an emotional abuser, but he doesn’t bother to leave. He thinks he is entitled to stay and suck you dry while he cheats on the side and subtly puts you down so you come to believe, without even realizing the depth of it, that you aren’t worth being treated any better.

    This kind of narcissist tends to be much more subtle in how he conducts his abuse and leaves you scratching your head for a much longer time, wondering “is it me?” He will present himself to others (I suppose they all do this) as a person of noble character when the truth is that he is so selfish to the core that this level of selfishness seems normal and he thinks nothing of it. You just can’t bring yourself to believe that you and others are not even real people to him, but only parts in a script that he writes for himself and manipulates others into playing.

    If you are in this kind of relationship, he will never leave. Once you realize that eventual no contact is the only way to save your sanity, health, and finances you will have to be the one to leave. That may come along with the possibility that you will be the one who ends up looking bad in the eyes of some others. Having to be the one to make the divorce and eventual no contact happen will be the hardest thing you have ever done. For a very long time, it will seem harder than staying and putting up with him. I finally had to leave a fifty-year marriage when I could no longer take it. Two years out of the house and with the divorce final last November, I am still uncertain how the finances are going to work out, but I will live under a bridge before I would go back to him.

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    • Mary Lee, I left after a relationship of 31 years. I was divorced from an other man after a marriage of eight years. My children are his and not from the N. I left and thank God, I never ever wanted a child anymore so I could go No Contact after I left the N. And yes, to some people it looks ridiculous that I did this, because he is rich and very charming to others.
      But the main thing is, my family and closest friends understand, because they did see how he treated me. I learned one thing and I stick to that, I never ever let me be insulted anymore and it really doesn’t matter who it is, I leave that person behind. Because in the relationship with the N. I forgot how it could be to be angry to anyone. That’s another side of being with a narcissist. You forgot to get angry because you couldn’t afford to be angry, because you would be punished if you did. Writing this makes me at some point a little bit angry. 😉

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  2. I left my N 11 months ago actually moving several states away, and finally went No Contact a week ago. I can relate to all the manipulation, cheating, drama, mind games, and am left feeling just drained. How sad that it took so long to leave. I am trying to heal and I think you’re absolutely right…..No Contact cuts off his avenue of continuing to siphon anything from me, and delaying it has made it impossible to change my thought processes. It kept me in the game, even hundreds of miles away.

    Thank you for sharing here……I was so blind that I didn’t even realize there was a name for someone like my ex. I was utterly and completely in love with him. He was fascinating, energetic, creative…..a do-er. He could conceive an idea and incredibly bring it to fruition. He worked harder than any man I’ve ever known, and was more fun too. He also systematically killed every bit of me that I allowed him to. I am hopeful that the healing part comes soon, because this part sux.

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  3. I’m hearing you loud and clear!! I’m in the no contact stage but with certain situations I have to make a settlement with him and he wants it right away! I want my pain to end with him like you wouldn’t believe! What I would like to know is is anyone experienced on how to deal with this with a pain less way?

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  4. Dear Carrie, you wont believe it but I am the person in the Chump Lady post you shared. I dont even know how I found your site. I believe God must have led me here. I havent yet divorced N we are separated though. I went no contact but not completely because of the kids and with it I am slowly finding myself again. He has a weekly video call with the kids and after the calls sometimes we get talking. He has said sorry and has asked for another chance and some where deep down and also through the encouragement of a good friend, I began to consider giving it one more chance. However when i read this post i realise that he is the type of N who will never leave but will be happy to take me along his ride. I am from a country where divorce is not common and here people usually just stay, and reconcile but i wonder, does it ever get better even though he reforms?

    to make matters worse i recently got a call from the Bank and they wanted him to pay a loan of a huge sum of money that I had no idea about, i dont know what he used that money for! and he was happy to leave the country with that kind of credit.

    I believe your post was a super natural way of God telling me to really let this go.

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