I Don’t Understand How Anyone Can Do What The Narcissist Does

I replied to someone’s comment on Facebook and thought I would share it here because it is something all victims of narc abuse struggle with. They can’t understand how someone can be so heartless.

The reason you don’t understand is because you are a normal, caring, person capable of feeling guilt, compassion, remorse. They are NOT normal; they are dangerously disabled and why they are the most dangerous people on earth and called psychopaths/sociopaths/narcissists.
They know they hurt others, in fact they get off on the power of being able to inflict pain. They feel superior to normal people because they are not governed by a conscience. They truly DO NOT care they laugh at how easy you are to manipulate, they see caring as being weak.
Their brains never developed the ability to feel guilt, they do not have a conscience. Imagine, what guides the rest of us? Our conscience, no conscience, no guilt; free to do whatever they want whenever they want and never feel an ounce of regret or remorse. Hard for a normal person to get their head around it.
The problem with victims of narc abuse is, they keep thinking of the narc as a normal person. A normal person could never live with themselves if they did what a narc does.
They are such good actors because they learned from a very young age that they were different and if they show their true nature people are repelled, repulsed. So it is imperative to their survival to learn how to imitate the emotions they see in others. Some of them should win an Academy award for their performances. My ex could cry real tears on demand. He had me fooled for many years. But they are limited in their abilities because they are imitating and eventually they will encounter a situation where they don’t have an appropriate respond saved in their repitouir of responds. Plus it is a lot work to always have to be “on” faking being a human being and that is why they rush a woman to commit, get her dependent on him so he can let the mask drop. Then he has someone at home he can spew his abuse on, when he goes out in public he puts on his mask and presents himself as this compassionate, sweet empathetic person. The minute he is behind closed doors he takes his mask off and is himself. It’s like wearing control top panty hose. I remember when I worked in an office, all day I was thinking about getting home so I could take off my panty hose and let it all hang out. The minute I was behind closed doors I ripped them off; usually right at the door. And it was such a relief!!
My ex used to spend hours staring into a fire at night, either that or he would be in his shop building something. When he would stare into the fire I used to ask him what he was thinking about and he would say nothing and now I understand what he meant. He wasn’t thinking of anything, he wasn’t feeling. It was his “off” time. He was actually empty and it was so much work pretending he wasn’t empty.


24 thoughts on “I Don’t Understand How Anyone Can Do What The Narcissist Does

    1. Well after 5 years of both physical and mental abuse I found the strength (from God knows where) to find elsewhere to live…and guess what? While I was waiting for my new place to be ready he went on holiday with another woman and came back to tell me HE didn’t love ME anymore and then I found out he’d been seeing her for several weeks!!!

      I moved out last week but have become almost un able to function because I can’t stop thinking about him and her together. Why am I so jealous. I KNOW he’ll treat her exactly the same way he did me but for now I know she’ll be so happy that she’s met the love of her life and he will be showering her with love and affection and I am so envious of her being love bombed. I have such a good network of supportive friends and yet I feel so lonely which is ridiculous because he was never home with me anyway.

      How do you start the healing?


      1. Sarah, you take it one day at a time and stay no contact! No contact with anyone who knows him and tells you what he is doing, no texts, no emails, n snooping on his fb. And come here often, read as much as you can about them and other people’s stories. It takes time and a lot of self talk.
        You don’t get over something like this over night. Be patient with yourself. We are here for you. Hugs

        Liked by 1 person

  1. All morning I’ve been trying to get rid of things. It’s so so hard. I have no where to go and no money to go with and I have done this to myself. I didn’t knowingly make myself a victim but then again I did. I didn’t understand. I didn’t have needed information to understand what was happening in my world. When I was told it still was just a label to put on someone. I truly kept thinking he realize how much I loved him. He stop doing hateful things. The lies came all the time, the girls where every where. I knew he was breaking his marriage vows but I really couldn’t understand how so many females could participate and be completely indifferent to the pain they were causing me, his wife. I was totally in denial and thought he’d wake up one day and realize how mean he’d been. That was to never be. At this point his friends thinks he’s single or else married to the bitch from hell. I do not exist in his work world for social occasions. He has been eliminating my existence from his life. He’s moody and never talks when home. He plays games constantly. I have to leave and I know it. I’m trying to eliminate 30 + years of my life. It’s horrible to think I’m tearing apart my life….destroying everything to go to nothing. He’ll become a bigger man and I’ll end up with mostly nothing. My family and friends are supportI’ve but you never hear from them. Family thinks you should make the best of it at this late date in life. Friends listen and past judgements and then you don’t hear from them. The victim is totally isolated and that just makes this so much harder. I want to cry but can’t. I’m exhausted before I start. It’s so hard to tear up and throw away your dreams, I’ll be broke after this but trying to hang onto and care for my animals. They have kept me focused and sane with their unconditional love. No solution to all of this madness. Just wanted to love and be loved…what a joke. Feel like a total loser in life. Well enough feeling sorry for myself. Thanks for listening

    Liked by 1 person

    1. MB

      I hope you read this. You are Not a failure. You are, however, going through one of those horrific lessons in life that brings a person to their knees. My husband sounds like yours. He moved out into his own apartment not far away to punish and humiliate me. Like your husband, he had many women around who disrespected our marriage, and basked in his attention when he gave it to them.
      To the ones who had something of a conscience and weren’t personality disordered themselves, I sent them the book ‘Why does he do that?’ by Lindy Bancroft. Because of social media, I’m sure others found out about it, and one histrionic girl on the side of his, who didn’t get one is still hostile and upset at me. Not because she didn’t receive a book, but because I didn’t acknowledge her and give her an excuse to start more drama. In the case of this particular woman, I guess she imagined that things would continue on indefinitely as they were. I think she enjoyed being the “fun girl that spent time with him that wasn’t his wife”.
      About 8 months after he moved out, I moved a few states away. My husband even asked me sadly almost two years after I moved “you’re moved to get away from me?” I denied it, and said it just made sense for a lot of reasons. Which it did. However, it did bring peace back into my life, it wasn’t easy. It was humiliating that he moved out, everyone knew, yet he still wanted to come over on the weekends. I felt like he treated the women in his life like an absentee landlord that travelled around checking on his properties. I wasn’t one of his women. I am his wife, and I didn’t want to be treated that way.
      After I moved, it continued to be gut wrenchingly hard for about a year and a half. Though I slept better and have eventually found a great deal more peace than I had when living with him. But something else also happened. Like Carrie said- they need someone to be mean to, to humiliate and treat badly. The other girls are happy it’s not them. They are aware that you’re taking the abuse. They’re grateful it’s not them, and they get his fun side. Well with me gone, they took my place. He started yelling at and verbally abusing them. He needed to get his release somehow, and they were still around so he unleashed on them. He isn’t close to any of those women any more.
      No one that gets close to them is spared. Of course I want things to be different. But if it’s any consolation : it is not you. And you have a choice. You can be the one who is always there to take the abuse, or you can not be there to take the abuse. Because he will be abusing, hurting and humiliating someone. It’s not as if, if you leave he’s going to be nice to the people he spends time with instead of you.
      I hope this helps. GOD be with you.


      1. And one more thing. This lesson (horrible situation) you’re going through will tell you a lot about your friends and family too. Don’t share anything that you don’t Need to with everyone, or even anyone. What people already know is probably enough. You’ll find out who your real considerate and loving/ caring friends are.
        Take notice of how you’re feeling. If you find you feel worse after talking to someone- keep that in mind. Some people can take your situation and make you feel worse. You may come to realize that this person is not one that you want close to you or even in your life at all anymore.
        I found, personally, that a few people that I called friends, were only friends when things were going well in my life. One in particular, attacked me in subtle ways- pretending she needed to give me tough love and tell me what to do. She made a hard situation harder. I noticed I dreaded talking to her. But I had started feeling that way, even before this narc husband stuff/ behavior happened.
        You may be left with fewer friends and people you spend time with. But at least these people will be genuine good people that you’ve learned you can trust. The people who are wronging you- GOD will handle them. You just focus on your faith and living right.


        1. One last thing. I know you’re situation is different because you’re still living with him, had my husband not moved out- …. I was not doing well. I was getting more unhealthy each month. It was very stressful. Although, I don’t think I would have left had he not moved out. I really needed to get far away to escape. In my situation he moved out, yet wanted me to still come to family functions. I felt like he wanted to watch me be uncomfortable around everyone who knew how he had humiliated me. I guess wanted to watch me try to pretend like everything was fine, or be a wreck participating in my own humiliation. Either way, I could not do it.
          Your situation is tough. It’s likely he will not change or become a kind and considerate person anytime soon. I wouldn’t advise you to leave. But I would advise you spend some time quietly and think about what you can do to bring some peace and calm to your life. I know this isn’t easy. You’re not a loser. You’re just facing a challenge. Hang in there. Sending you a big hug.

          Liked by 1 person

    2. you CAN do it, you WILL do it, you DO have the strength….. I feel like a loser in life too….. but I got rid of my narc, well sort of ….. we have 3 children….. he sees them roughly every other weekend…. I try my best to protect them. I did what I had to do, yes I made a big mistake getting involved with him, stupidly ignoring red flags, like you I built my dreams on having our family together, it was all in my imagination though, he was never in the same relationship as me…… like we were in the same marriage but it meant entirely different things to both of us…… but you have to do the right thing, no matter how hard it is. Once you decide the right thing, there is no going back really…… you have to be true to yourself!!!


  2. Yes I have to agree, they are sick bastards. I now sit back and feel a fool, sucked in to his lies.
    He even convinced his siblings in how much he loved me even today they still think that.
    How he used disasters (wife death, house fire and what ever else he wants to use) so suck people in. He use to tell me he never liked him self and he had terrible reoccurring nightmares.


  3. I found out the hard way my ex is a narcissist through our god awful, and drawn out divorce. While we were married, I didn’t realize he had an identifiable problem. I used to get glimpses into his raw thinking, which was actually quite full of self hate and loathing. But he so easily slipped back to being charismatic and confident. In actions, his needs were always first, before me and our kids. But in promises, he would sound like the perfect dad and husband. He was a big dreamer, always telling me how smart he is and how he’s going to be rich. I was as supportive as could be a wife. I worked full time and managed our kids do he could pursue his dreams to make it big and retire us. We fought very regularly, usually prompted by his moods or catching him in lies. I held out nearly 20 years waiting for the storm to settle in our marriage. His secret life eventually became too toxic for me, I left him after several affairs he had while fooling the other women into thinking he was single. And when I left on my terms, I got the full wrath of his anger. A narcissist won’t stop. You have to remove yourself to get peace.

    Even after all I’ve learned, I still struggle with the loss of my marriage and family. I used to love him so much and probably won’t ever feel that intense feelings again. It’s because I have empathy, feelings, regret, and can wish good thoughts to even my enemies. I seem to still hold out hope he will realize how much pain and damage he has done, and get a sincere apology. But not holding my breath.


    1. I feel the same about still struggling with the breakdown of the marriage and what the kids have to go through. I really meant to stay with mine forever, I thought he would gain confidence and see that I was always going to stick by him and then his best side would shine through….. he had some good points etc….. I really thought we would and could work through anything (before I knew how emotionally deprived he really was) but I started to question what was going on his head when he was off in lala land….. and I slowly realized…. nothing….. no big overwhelming thoughts of love or devotion for me and/or the kids, no deep thinking about the world, no shy little boy who has all kinds of strong feelings but doesnt know how to share them or how to show his love…… nope, nothing, just like he always said… nothing… I guess if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck…… just. might. be. a. duck…..believe what their actions are telling you (not their words)…….. not the ‘strong silent type’ that carries an aura of romance or glamour….. no, nothing going on up there….. except maybe reviewing his arsenal of things to personally attack me over (he used to take whatever I would say and eventually use it against me, often twisting the meaning entirely)


  4. Yes my husband sat and stared into nothing wouldn’t say a word just his eyes following me around the room. He would ask me what was up as he minimised the screen on his laptop. I found he had been on all sorts of chat sites going from 0 to 100 in five days having never spoken to this person and then stating his undying love for someone he had never met promising her everything even pay for her to come to the UK from Austraila and to carry on with her business here. And that they could live happily ever after as she seemed so right for him. He had been on so many porn sites. For years I have tried to work out what was going on. The terrible unprovoked rages after the silent treatment the withdrawal of any contact Sleeping in sepaerate bedrooms. He was happy with that! Whilst I was broken hearted lonely wishing he would rally and tell me what was going on what was he thinking all that time spent on his own. Night after night I would be sat alone in the other room watching TV. I dont know any one where I live. I have no money no job as he encouraged me to retire early. I have no pension until I reach 66. He was a high earner and promised me a wonderful life. It’s been hell and none of his family have ever accepted me let alone speak to me. The ex wife with 3 of his children must have clapped her hands when I came along. By the way I was not responsible for their break up he was divorced when I met him 15 years ago married for 13. What a fool I’ve been he has been laughing at me all this time. No one had his back like me yet he did some pretty awful things to me. Now I’m 60 years of age and he is 56 and in prison after committing common assault on me. He is due out next week after serving 8 weeks. How the mighty fall my high earner of a husband thought he was a law unto himself well no more he now knows he is not allowed to behave in this way ever again. The restraining order tells him so and if he comes anywhere near me ever again he goes straight back to jail.
    I will not hiesitate in calling the police. I now understand what he is and that is a covert narcissist and there is no more supply source here no more chances I need to save myself.
    He will never change but I can make a life for myself after all he taught me good and proper how to manage on very little. I’m very resourceful and know how to make very little go a long way. So thanks for that! I can now have peace in my life. I will get that divorce and he can spread as much dirt as he likes on me I will never let him back into my life. He can be someone else’s problem for now on.


    1. OMG..I am living your life. So glad to hear that at least you have survived and it gives me some hope of a future life without him. I suppose I am lucky in that I’ve recently sold my house so have some money behind me and will be renting a house which is ready in 2 weeks time….and yet here I am at home on my own and he has stayed out all nite and all I can think about is what have I done to make him hurt me ļike this. Just hope I can be as strong as you in the coming weeks.


      1. You will survive with the Will, Grit and Determination we all have it in us. I got to a point although anxious what the future holds I knew I didn’t have one with him. I was 60 in July just gone which was a mile stone for me and all I could think about was me creeping into old age with this person in my life. I felt sick at the thought! I have a long way to go and he is out of prison on Tuesday next week. I know he will make contact he always does.
        Im not allowing this man the chance to try and convince me how sorry he is and what a wonderful life we could have by sticking together. Really???
        Please stay strong don’t go back there’s no life there, these people are so sick and don’t give up easy it’s all about them and What’s in it for them! I know my husband would take everything We have worked for and would not bat an eye in seeing me nothing.
        You see I owned my home before I met him as he did to we both worked had good jobs so he was never going to take away what was mine contrary to what he may have thought at times he was so smug as he was previously allowed to stay in the house whilst police advised me to leave for my own safety.
        In a funny sort of way he has educated me in how to be thrifty with money I’ve worked him out after all I had a lot of time on my own with him sitting in the next room self loathing he thought he had the upper hand with his raging temper his deceitfulnes it was like a test of wills only I never let on that I was on to him. Basically he put himself into a position that he over stepped the mark and broke the law and that’s what is on my side now. When arrested you would not think butter would melt he tried to play the victim looking at me as to say what have you done how are you going to manage without me?
        Please don’t think I’m being pretentious about my situation because I have truly suffered at the hands of this man. It’s about time he is told no and no means no. They don’t like No!
        I have had some real respite knowing I was safe because he is behind bars I have read everything I possible can trying to understand and have the tools to move forward to cope with this man once he is released. The answer is no contact I have no answers to his questions any more I can’t fix his problems. Only he can do that and he needs to seek help but they are cowards and can’t face it. Well it’s not for us to take on…you can’t help them who can’t help themselves. I live in the UK and it amazes me how this is happening all around the world.
        Take care I wish you all the best and what life brings you in your next chapter. Be happy! The likes of us deserve it why not we are as good as any body in this world stand tall and for your rights. X


  5. I to have a heavy heart I feel sick I hate the position I’m in and it would be easy to go back! But to what the same old same old…. It will not improve I know this and I have to stay strong not only for me but my family too… I refuse now to sacrifice my place in my family because this man wishes to control until he says he doesn’t want me any more. I am tired! So this is m survival plan switch off to his crazy abusive ways the negativity he is toxic and self loathing he doesn’t even like me.. He takes what he can from me he has no shame.
    Don’t get me wrong I have days I just want to cry he was my everything he was the man I should have been able to rely on. He let me down and used me for everything he could that bar got higher and higher. I’m tired and can no longer jump that high.


  6. Sometimes I think we consider going back not because we love them because we have been taught to think that we can’t exist without them. I don’t think it’s always love that draws us back but the fact that it’s familiar. Sometimes it’s far easier to accept the familiar rather starting into an unknown change in life. I know that confused me for a while, but gradually the fact that the craziness was gone became such a relief. I strive everyday now to keep things simple and as stress free as possible. I am still becoming who I am meant to be.


  7. Lauraworld84

    I’m in the same situation. I’ve been putting up with it the past two years. I’ve lost friends as they tell me to leave him but I keep taking him back as I love him and hope one day he will change. He drinks and gets so mentally abusive calling me every name. Everything is my fault. My life is constantly treading on eggshells. But there’s only a few that see this side to him to most he is a charming kind hearted man, which he was when I first met him. He has pushed me a few times while drunk, called me a slag and says I’m sleeping around when I’ve been nothing but loyal to him and find myself having to explain and prove myself yet he can do what he likes. He accuses of me of things if I talk to males so I try not too. He says I’m. Controlling….and that I need the help. I cry all.the time my face is aging from all the crying I feel so lost….I can’t break away. I love him and will kill me him moving on with someone else and having a happy relationship as then I will think it definitely was me. My head is such a mess I’m struggling to cope.

    Liked by 1 person

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