I titled this the top ten truths after 6 years out because I am sure you will discover, as I did; that the longer you are out of the relationship with a narcissist the clearer your thinking becomes and what matters to you changes dramatically.
I left my ex in November 2010 and thought I would love him forever and couldn’t live without him. Now 6 years out, six years, SIX YEARS!! OUT !! I can not believe how different my attitude is, how much I have grown as a person and how much inner peace I have found.
Today I wanted to share with you some of the major truths I have discovered personally since leaving the narcissist/psychopath and focussing on MY recovery and happiness.
#1. I CAN survive without him in my life and once I stopped torturing myself with thoughts of “what could have been”, “how unfair it was that I invested so much into the relationship”, stopped trying to justify my actions while in the relationship and stopped wondering how he was treating the new woman; I was able to work on me.
#2. I am not that powerful. I do not have the power to turn a normal loving man into a psychopath and I certainly do not have the ability to change a psychopath into a normal loving human being.
#3. I was not happy. I was so busy trying to make him happy I totally over looked the fact that he could not make me happy and wasn’t even willing to try to make me happy.
#4. Not everyone is going to like me or love me and that is ok. I don’t like everyone I meet so what makes me think I am so great that everyone should love me? Some people are not meant to be friends, that is no reflection on my worth as a person.
#5. Never make decisions because you feel pressured. If you don’t know what you should do, do nothing. Often times the answer will come on its own. Very rarely is there a need to make a decision in panic or anxiety, usually when we feel panicked about something it is because other people are pressuring us. Take time to yourself away from the person pressuring you and use your logical, rational self to decide. ie: the narcissist is pressuring you to go back and try again. You don’t know if you should. What is the worst that can happen if you make him wait? He finds someone else? then your decision is made for you isn’t it?
#6. You can have inner peace even when your world is falling apart. If you live true to your core beliefs and never allow anyone to manipulate you into doing something you are uncomfortable with and if you speak your truth with kindness but conviction; you will always have inner peace no matter what is going on in your life. People confuse inner peace with having everything perfect in your life. But we can have everything we ever thought we needed and wanted and not have inner peace.
#7. You can have disagreements with people and still have a relationship with them. It’s ok to get angry, it is ok to say no, it is ok to walk away. We/I had always worried about what people thought of me, made choices in my life based on what other’s thought I should do or even more dangerous, based on what I thought they wanted me to do. When I decided to live true to myself I found I had to stand up for myself a lot more…….. and that was ok. It felt uncomfortable at first but it got easier and now it feels damn good! I refuse to be pressured into anything and if I am feeling pressured I remove myself from the situation (this year it meant I walked out of my mom’s house on Mother’s Day. I felt a bit of guilt over it, for a short while, but I thought about it and to do anything else would have not been living my truth. She was wanting me to make a decision about a place to live, I was unsure about it, in fact I hated it. So I was taking time to make the decision. As it turns out I did move into the place but negotiated a much better rent, and I still hate the place, it is not home to me, but it was the best option I had/have for now. BUT I have inner peace about it because I made the decision on my own and not because she pressured me into it. Recently she told me, now she can see why I don’t like it and why I was so hesitant.
#8. You will never make everyone happy, there is always going to be someone who thinks you aren’t doing it right, whatever “it” is, so you might as well make yourself happy by living true to yourself.
#9. Living true to yourself does not mean you are being selfish, in fact it makes it easier to be unselfish. If you only do things that are true to your core values and desires; then you can give freely without expectations or disappointments.
#10. When you start living true to your core self there is no need for approval, no need to be right, no guilt, and no need to control.
The greatest truth I learned since leaving my ex is: I am enough, I am a good person and when I live true to my core self and stop listening to other people tell me who I am or should be; I am more confident and self assured. I am at peace.