When I Knew He Had Lost His Control Over Me

I think all victims of narcissistic abuse feel the same way I did; that no matter how hard they tried no one really believed them. The narcissist was telling outrageous lies about the victim and people, family and friends lapped it up; but when the victim tried to tell their side no one would listen. In court, the police, society in general; no one believed them. The victim gets re-victimized over and over again; and every time they are disbelieved or blamed for the demise of the relationship they become more determined to prove their case. They become panic, their nerves are raw, constantly in the fight or flight mode, they wait for the next attack from the narcissist. What will he do this time? When will he strike? How will they ever prove to people he is a narcissist and they are the true victim? They remain a victim even though they have left the narcissist and feel the only way they can heal and move is if the narcissist admits wrong doing.  The narcissist sucks them in time and time again and the victim is revictimized again and again by the narcissist making it even harder for people to believe the abuse because if it was so bad why do they keep going back?

Why do people believe the narcissist and not the victim? Well, its shitty, but people believe the narcissist because he is so calm, rational and certain about events and his “innocence”. He has practised being a “victim” and he doesn’t feel guilt. Guilt, self doubt, taking any blame whatsoever, makes a person look guilty. The narcissist will take some of the blame; “I should have stood up for myself”, “I should have known I couldn’t fix her”, “I shouldn’t have let her push my buttons”. He will cry real tears, AND he started the whole victim act long before he actually left the relationship; while he was still telling the victim that if only she would do this or that, the relationship would be saved. The victim was so busy jumping through endless hoops trying to get the N to love her again, she was oblivious to his campaign to destroy her reputation and make his exit.

Really, when you think about it, the victim is pretty hard to believe. What other people see from a typical victim:

– She has kept her mouth shut about the abuse. Either she is ashamed of the situation she has allowed herself to get into or she was protecting him.

– The victim is an emotional basket case whereas the narcissist is calm.

– The victim seems uncertain about events, time lines, is generally confused.

– And, she keeps going back!

The more she is disbelieved the more anxious she gets and desperate to prove she is the victim. People are turned off by desperation. I don’t know why, but as much as I fight it, I still find myself pulling away from people who are desperate and “Woe is me”.  Yet I have been there, desperate to be believed, understood and validated. I eventually gave up on trying to find validation. I got sick of sounding like a broken record and I knew I could not keep asking, “Why me?” and keep seeing him.

A common trait of the victims of a  narcissist is; they are extremely adept at picking up on the moods of others, were often the peace keepers of the family and they have honed that skill while with the narcissist. Their senses are heightened to the max, looking for cues to the narcissists mood 24/7, trying to avoid conflict and more importantly keep the N happy. Once they leave the N they are still running on “high alert” and are extremely sensitive to everyone’s moods and often times read things into the comments or actions of those around them. They end up living in a constant state of reacting to others, consumed with “What did they mean by that?” “Are they mad at me?” Because everything was their fault while with the narcissist, they feel everything is their fault, always! I realized that it was pretty narcissistic of me:

I was so frustrated trying to please everyone and I was pleasing no one. My mom angry because I had stayed, my ex slandering me to customers, friends and anyone who would listen; even me! twisting facts and rewriting history to suit his agenda, I was going through my days afraid of offending people, afraid of not being believed and not finding compassion and understanding, so I stopped.

It was then that I decided that I was going to live true to me, I was the only one who knew where my heat was, what my intentions were and I chose to never do anything ever again that I was not at peace with. I decided to never let anyone, a.n.y.o.n.e. pressure me into doing something I was not totally at peace with. I analyzed every feeling I had, was I being too sensitive? did I have a right to be angry? and I also decided to stop guessing at what people meant, what people were feeling, what their intentions were and just ask! If my feelings were hurt I would express that and ask for the other person’s side and often times either I had misunderstood their intension or they had not realized they hurt me. I realized that it was so much easier to just express my feelings than try to guess what people were thinking.

The other thing that plagues victims, is their guilt, that is why I don’t advocate revenge. Whenever I got revenge on my ex it felt good at the time and then the guilt would set in and he would use it to his advantage every time. One time when I discovered more of his personal ads on the net I keyed his truck. It felt great at the time but once the adrenaline wore off and he twisted the truth and made me feel guilty, I ended up paying for it for the rest of the relationship and I am sure to this day he is telling everyone what a nut case I am.

I always forgave and forgot; he expected the slate to be swiped clean after every feeble apology but any little mistake or perceived crime of mine was brought up and embellished forever more.

The line between, telling the truth in order to protect myself and revenge blurred. Here is the link to a post I did a few years ago about that blurred line and the narcissist’s need for revenge.  The victim is criticized by the narcissist for their natural instinct to protect themselves.

The only choice the victim has is to live honestly and true to their core beliefs and moral code, that way they can never be manipulated through guilt or threats of “being exposed”. This was proven to me this year when a police officer contacted my mother looking for me because I was “Inciting violence against my ex” through my blog.

My mother was panicked but I stayed surprisingly calm, I knew I would deal with it and I called the cop immediately.  We played telephone tag for a while but eventually connected.  I was calm, rational and not the least bit concerned about whether the cop believed me or not. I felt it welling up in me, that old panicky feeling, the “but he did this or that”, but I pushed it down and stuck to the facts. I knew why I started the blog, I knew what my intention was and is and I knew I didn’t want to go to court or to jail but I also knew I had a right to speak my truth; I just had to find out how to do it legally.

Initially the cop was all business, and I could tell he thought I was a vindictive bitch but the more we talked I could feel him softening and I could tell there was doubt in his mind regarding what my ex had told him and that what I was saying was the truth. But as much as I was tempted to fill the cop in on everything my ex had done, I didn’t; if he had read my blog he knew and that was not the issue. The issue was, how can I speak my truth without getting in trouble with the law and what are my rights.

The link to a post I did on it is here

The point I wanted to make with this post is this:

For the most part, we give the narcissist everything he needs to hurt us and we have to become aware of that and start acting in our best interest. We all have said, “I didn’t ask to be lied to, abused or slandered”. No, none of us knew what we were getting into, but now that we know what we are dealing with, we need to step back and think clearly and not emotionally. It will work in your favor in all your relationships, believe me.

 

 

 

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17 Replies to “When I Knew He Had Lost His Control Over Me”

  1. Hi Carrie,
    I don’t know how you do it but you always manage to hit the nail on the head. I wish I had your Insight but since I don’t I have your words of wisdom to help me each day. I appreciate it more than you can imagine. Thankyou.
    Hope you are keeping well and things are looking up for you. Stay strong xxx

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  2. Hi Carrie
    Sam Vaknin and Richard Grannon held a joint seminar here in London.
    I did not go but Richard has put up the main points on his youtube channel. Brilliant stuff.
    I don’t believe your ex is worried only about anyone identifying him.
    I think he seethes inside by the fact you have been doing it.
    Keep going. It helps others enormously.
    This is not about being vindictive but about letting other people who have had the misfortune to be mixed up with these sorry excuses for human beings know they are not alone

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    1. Allega, I pointed out to the cop that if some one Googled my ex’s name, my blog will not come up. I asked him if he had tried and he never answered me. I think my ex went to him with pages he had printed off. I told the cop that if I was being vindictive I would be using my ex’s name and the only way anyone who knows my ex would find my blog is if he directed them to it. My ex is angry because he wasn’t able to destroy me and he is playing the victim, most people would not pick up on it but really, if someone is slandering you and ruining your reputation, why would you direct them to the blog unless you are playing the victim. You would go on with your life and hope no one ever finds it.
      The cop also said that if you are afraid of the man why would you have the blog and take the chance of him finding it and making him angry. I said, “Exactly! most victims are so happy to get away from the abuse and so afraid of the abuser they stay quiet and just hope he leaves them alone. Silence perpetuates abuse. (He agreed) I vowed that if I ever got away I would never stop talking about it and raising awareness about domestic abuse.” That was the moment I felt his whole attitude change.
      I would have loved to see that meeting of Richard and Sam Vaknin, I bet it was awesome!

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  3. Hi, Carrie,
    I always enjoy reading your posts. It’s interesting that your ex complained about your blog. I began writing my story on my own blog but took down the posts about narcissism/psychopathy on advice. It hurts to stay silent, doesn’t it? You want your truth known. You want others to understand. But the sad truth is people can’t understand what they’ve never experienced. I didn’t know about gaslighting etc., until it happened to me.
    So I’m keeping my silence until the time is right. The legal wrangle over a shared property continues (nearly two years now) and once that’s settled I plan to publish my story. I believe sharing our experiences helps others know they’re not alone and goes some way to providing a source of validation of their struggle.
    I lost my home, my relationships with his family, my possessions and he still has all my money. I won my freedom and that’s priceless.
    I admire your bravery and determination. One day I hope to be as brave.
    Xx

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    1. CX2, the cop said to me that he hoped my blog helped me heal. I told him, “I healed long ago, that is not why I write it. It never was the reason. I write it in hopes that by sharing my experiences I save even one woman from the pain I went through. I swore if I ever got away I would never stop speaking out because silence perpetuates the problem.”
      I think when you do it for the right reasons no one can fault you. I never once did it out of revenge.
      In the beginning I didn’t know what I was dealing with but thought, there must be at least one other woman out there going through this. I didn’t talk about the crazy shit he did because I was afraid people would think I was crazy (like he said I was) but after some time I opened up more and every time I did a post that I thought people wouldn’t believe I got so many comments like “my God that happened to me too!” I stopped worrying about sounding crazy and just told the truth.
      I don’t care who believes me now. I know the truth.

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  4. Carrie, god I needed this post now. I am as you know going through the court process with my ex and it as been screwing me up. I have kept to the truth but in all honesty I know I wont be believed. He claims he hasn’t said this that or the other and in fairness in emails he was very smart and clever but even when he was ‘being kind’ he slipped up and it shows he actually did say things, whether he denies them now or not is not the point, he said them. He constantly commented and told me of sexual conquests he is or can have and put the self doubt in me so much I couldn’t even watch tv with him anymore without feeling sick of comments, which in turn he emailed to show I was a jealous wreck, which I was. He did things then denied it, said things then took it back, he needed me to drink to relax, to dance and let go, then when my guard was down he would secretly film me either naked or him having sex with me, he used to tell me he would show my children, the shame was out of this world, I kept going back. He inflicted so so much damage on me I was on medication, my mental health in the pan. When he finally showed me I was nothing to him or should I say when I woke up that I was nothing to him when I found out I was pregnant by him under not great circustances to say the least, I lost it. I called him everything he flew at me, the abuse I spouted back was awful and even though I beat myself up with it for long enough its all coming out at court. I was the mental one, I have suffered anxiety in the past, his records are clean, even though he instilled in me all sorts. Now court will see I was this mentally abusive wreck of a woman and go on to proceed I must be a liar, which omg I am not. How does anyone prove they are not what is pictured in black and white? I know what he did to me and he knows it, inside he is calm while I am just sick and panicked. I see no point in going on with court. He told me this would happen. His plan A was to make me look insane, plan B was? well he played a good one and back it up whilst in person he was evil. I now have to live with the fact our son will be placed in such a dangerous enviorment and I will forever be controlled in one way or the other by him. I will know more where this is going in just under 2 weeks but I already know and I feel I am just being paraded now for his benefit in court, to see me crack while he must be laughing inside knowing all this would of happened. I am to blame, I stayed and took it and even when he did what he did to get me pregnant I still went around so again what sane person would? I have no answers and all I know is it took me forever to get him out of my system, I loved a man who destroyed me and it makes no sense. However, when I saw him in court, the only good thing for me is I no longer felt attracted to him, I was happy when I knew he had someone new, even though I feel for her because she is clueless and I know I am the only one who sussed him out, the rest blamed themselves and wanted him back. I am thankful my feelings of love etc are gone, now all that is there is sadness and if am honest anger for him lying and being so manipulative but that goes to myself too, however, I know me, this will eventually heal and I know now how he works to the point he will destroy not only me but my family, there is only one way to deal with these people and that is silence and not to rise to them….harder said then done but that is the only way.
    Your a star Carrie, I don’t know how you have carried on helping others whilst going through so much yourself but I guess I understand why, GOOD hearted people do things out of kindness and not out of benefit. Thank you Carrie x

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    1. Hi Fee,
      I had all of this too with my ex and I had to go to court because I stopped his access to the children when I found out he was being physically and emotionally abusive towards them. It was hard because he was the calm sane one and I was an emotional wreck but I learned to keep it calm eventually because it was doing me no good in front of the courts or social services. I got legal aid and a brilliant barrister she cut the social worker down in court and my ex. She did what I had spent years doing and showed him for what he was. The judge went against the social workers recommendations for access and now me and my children have our lives back (contrary to research which the social worker was spouting at me that all children need a relationship with their father to grow up well adjusted) the children are thriving without their father and are doing better than ever and are happy. I thought it was pointless and we would never be free but keep it together as much as you can. Be genuine show the judge how much it meant to you that you didn’t want things to be this way but you were forced into a situation where you had to take back the control and stop the abuse.
      I hope you are being represented by someone and if you have any evidence they will know what to do with it and to show others his true colours, they can show up his lies where you struggle to.
      It was such an empowering time for me to get our lives back and it gave me the confidence I had lost over all those years.
      Hope everything goes as well as it can and you are free soon.
      All the best and will be thinking of you. Xx

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    2. Fee, I am so sorry you are going through this, but unfortunately, not surprised. Don’t let your guilt over staying with him cloud your confidence that you are right and innocent. I am eternally grateful I never had children with my ex and my heart goes out to you. Whatever the outcome is Fee, speak your truth and know you have done nothing wrong. You will handle it, whatever it is and he will always be a sick sorry excuse for a man. Hold your head up high! you are one hell of a strong woman wo loves her children and you have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing!!!
      I wish I could be there with you in court, the son of a bitch, you don’t deserve this!
      I am far from a “star” but I made a vow to God and myself to never shut up if I managed to get a way and figure out what happened to me. I hoped to save other women from the hell I went through. Sometimes the narcissist gives the victim no choice, they have to defend themselves and face the wrath of the narcissist, like you have, for the sake of your son. Sends prayers and hugs.

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  5. carrie everything is happening my daughter has gone abroad to work its what she wants to do i cant hold her back but im struggling with major health problems he came to pick her up to take her to the airport havent seen or contacted him in over a year boy he was as cold as ice dyed hair new clothes watch etc ha no money left me with nothing anyway gave a dig about not seeing him for a year then he walked off i said a tearful trying to be strong goodbye then i tried to find out if they had got safely to the airport phone off all time so trusting in god i just wanted to know she is safe they dont change they get worse just when you start missing them you realise how evil they are when you ignore them they play sick games when you have a child with them its awful sure i will hear soon from her but they turn you into nervous wrecks when you start healing this blog keeps my head above water and gives me the inner strengh to keep going thanks to you carrie i wish you well and all the ladies here xxx

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    1. Kim, it is hard to let a child leave the nest; whether you have been with a N or not. It breaks a momma’s heart. We want them to grow up, be happy, independent and self sufficient but it is so hard to let them go.
      My son’s father is not a narc but his new woman was always very jealous of me. When my son got married we couldn’t even have a family picture taken and I would have lived to walk up to my ex and give him a hug and say, “we did it. Our son is a grown up” or something! But I couldn’t without his wife getting her panties in a knot. I wished it could have been different, I wish to God so much would have been different. I wish my son’s father would have been a good dad to him.
      But life happens and we don’t get what we wish for most of the time.
      I am glad to hear he was cold and distant because you know he hasn’t changed.
      You have every reason to be sad, you are sick, your have money worries and your baby just flew the nest. Have a good cry about it! Empty nest syndrome sucks, then there is menopause, and you will survive it all. Your daughter will call one day needing your advice and your heart will fill with love and gratitude that you can be there for her like only a mother can be.
      This really has nothing to do with your ex; it’s just part of being a mom. Hugs Carrie

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      1. thankyou so much carrie she is safe she let me know today my anxiety has been through the roof it feels so empty in the flat yes empty nest you are right its just amazing how narcs really dont care at all but one almost forgets a little such a shame i was trying to be decent about just finding out if she was safe should have realised im back to no contact with him co parenting in a civil manner doesnt exist with them thankyou again carrie hope you are doing ok and stella xxx

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