Dealing With Your Own Mortality

I haven’t been around much lately and if you are not on my Facebook you do not know what is going on in my life right now.

For those of you new to the blog, I have had a heart condition for a few years, I had my first heart attack in 2011 about 6 months after leaving my ex. I didn’t follow doctors orders and went right back to work and could not afford my heart meds. I didn’t have time to be sick, I had to get back on my feet after leaving the narcissist with nothing.  A year later I almost died of heart failure and was forced to stop working. I lost the home I was buying and been homeless several times in the past few years because our welfare system pays $610 a month which does not even cover rent on a decent place and has denied me Disability Benefits for well over a year now. If not for the donations I have received from the generous followers of this blog I don’t know where I would be!

My heart is working at 20% and I have been told by 3 cardiologists that I could drop dead at any minute. The last one I went to see took my driver’s license away until I had a defibullator implanted in my chest that will kick start my if I go into cardiac arrest. I was put on a waiting list and within 2 weeks was in having the procedure done. I was told it was the size of a pocket watch and not only would it jump start me, it was also a pacemaker and would help me with walking up hills and stairs etc.

It is supposed to be a simple procedure, 45 minutes, in and out of the hospital in a few hours. Wouldn’t it figure, as is often the case with my life; there were problems and I was in for 3 and 1/2 hours, they tore one of my ventricles and I am worse off than I was before the surgery. I was told to go home and heal and they will try again in 3 months.  I go to see the surgeon who did (screwed up) the surgery in a week and I will know more but as it stands today, 3 weeks after the procedure I am in worse health than I have ever been.

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I feel like I did when I was suffering heart failure, before I started taking heart meds, my lungs start to fill with fluid at night while I sleep, I get dizzy, feel weak, and generally feel like crap. I have an appointment to see the surgeon this coming Monday and will know more then I guess.

I am still fighting the government for my disability designation, it is ridiculous! I am living in a place I literally hate. Sure it is better than living in my car, which I was doing when I got back from Clearwater, but it backs onto a really busy road, doesn’t have a kitchen, is in a hilly area so I can’t walk Stella and used to drive her to the dog park and the river but now that I don’t have a driver’s license we are stuck at home all day every day.

I haven’t been posting much because to be totally honest I have become very depressed and just can’t get motivated.

It has nothing to do with a narcissist, I just wanted to let you all know that its not that my life has gotten good and I have forgotten you all. I am going to try to be around the blog more and pull myself out of this slump. My life expectancy is only a few years and I don’t want to spend it depressed.

The real piss off for me is: I have a “No resuscitation” order and now with this defibullator if all my organ quit on me the defibullator will keep shocking my heart and keeping me alive.  The doctors are only concerned with keeping me alive, they don’t give a shit about the quality of my life.  I am waiting until I talk to the surgeon before I allow myself to get too upset but I feel I was forced into this surgery and when I was able to function to some degree and had some hope for a better life and now……… well.

These are the thoughts going through my head right now.

 

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19 Replies to “Dealing With Your Own Mortality”

  1. We love you Carrie.

    Try to stay as still as you can so your ventricle can heal and have people bring you what you need. Even have someone walk Stella. I wish I were near you. I’d come and help you out so you can rest. Like other people said: your mind is very powerful so tell your heart to heal itself. Praying for you. Rest, rest, rest.

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  2. Omgosh- my heart and head is really breaking for you. I am so sorry that you’re living like this. Could you at least go to a shelter there you have food and clothes and interaction and medicinal care? You don’t have a kitchen? Is that even legal? The shelters are housed and they are beautiful! This is no way to live at all. I really am praying for you for all things. ❤️❤️❤️😥

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  3. i’ve just discovered your blog today, Carrie, thanking Creator for the golden light come flooding into my place of grey misery, as i read your posts and know “THIS LADY GETS IT”…
    then i got to this post and learn of your awful heart problems… my heart is breaking now for you… i understand- mine is not yet where yours has got- but also is damaged by sheer stress of living the nightmare for so long. The nightmare life with a NP mate is what has ruined our hearts and health. you said, “My life expectancy is only a few years and I don’t want to spend it depressed.” YES. Carrie, i understand!! You are a Strong Woman and i thank Creator for you! Today all your posts have illuminated my personal dark place… and i return the blessing by placing you into my prayers for Mercy, Hope & Healing. GOD is GOOD, it is the evil thing of Toxic Narcissism which has destroyed so much. There is NONE of that beyond the veil, praises to Creator! Someday i pray i will meet you there… in the meantime, KEEP LIVING EVERY DAY YOU WAKE INTO. You are a blessing to so many! My heart connects to yours- remain strong, keep looking up.
    xx

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