Take This Short Quiz To See If You Could Be The Victim Of Abuse

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Society has many misconceptions of what kind of person becomes the victim of domestic violence. Seeing as October is Domestic Abuse Awareness Month I thought I would discuss the common traits of a typical victim.

I held many of the common judgements of abuse victims all through my 20’s and 30’s; I can remember saying things like:

  • “A man would only ever hit me once.”
  • “If a man ever hit ME, I would be out of there so fast his head would be spinning.”
  • “She must provoke him.”
  • “It can’t be that bad if she keeps going back.”
  • “It would never happen to me, I am too independent.”

I felt sorry for a victim of domestic abuse but I also thought she was weak, co-dependent, needy, and to be honest; not too smart.

By the time I was in my 30’s, 40’s, I felt immune to domestic abuse, I was self supporting, independent, confident, a homeowner, had a good job, AND I had never been in an abusive relationship. (I took shit from no man and could live without a man in my life better than most women)

When I met my ex I couldn’t believe my good fortune to meet a true sweetheart, someone who could talk openly about his feelings, who called when he was late, who couldn’t get enough of me and loved me just the way I was. He never got angry, we had so much in common, he had a great sense of humor and although he seemed like he was a little too sensitive and loved me more than I loved him; I had always been told by men I was too independent and I made the conscience decision allow a man to take care of me.

Little did I know 10 years later I would fear for my life and leave him with nothing, not even my self respect.

Take this quick quiz to see if you have the traits of a typical abuse victim.

  1. Are you honest and trust worthy?
  2. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance and can change?
  3. Are you a romantic at heart?
  4. Do you have high morals standards?
  5. Are you self sufficient and independent?
  6. Do you have a good job?
  7. Are you attractive?
  8. Fed up with men taking you for granted?
  9. Intelligent?
  10. Are you always there for your friends?
  11. If you say you are going to do something, do you follow through?
  12. Are you empathetic and intuitive; picking up on the emotions and moods of the people around you?
  13. Are you willing to admit you are wrong and try to change?
  14. Do you seem to instinctively know what people need and want?
  15. Are you generous and charitable?
  16. Have you been told you are too sensitive your whole life?
  17. Do you put the needs of others before your own?
  18. Do you try to resolve problems calmly and rationally?
  19. Do you believe relationships take work and if you love someone you don’t abandon them at the first sign of trouble?
  20. Do you believe everyone has a good side?

Who wouldn’t want to be described to have these traits? It doesn’t matter how many of the traits you answered yes to, because there is no typical victim, they come in all ages, races, economic backgrounds, they are lawyers, doctors, cleaning ladies and stay at home moms, they are grandmothers, and teenagers. No one is immune.

The things that led to me staying with my ex was my belief that I was immune to domestic abuse and that I was too strong and independent to ever let a man control me.

If we are to ever end domestic abuse we must dispel the erroneous stereotypes we have assigned the victims of abuse.

Narcissists generally do not want a weak needy woman, there is no challenge; the ego boost (narcissistic supply) comes from breaking a strong woman.

For years people thought women stayed because they needed the man to support them, so women fought for equal rights, equal pay, and they hold high paying power positions. Women now need a man less than ever in history and yet the stats for domestic abuse are not going down. In Canada, every 4 days a woman is killed by a family member and every 6 days a woman dies at the hands of her intimate partner. One in 4 women will experience domestic abuse in her lifetime. THAT is despicable!

Your best defense against ever becoming a victim of narcissistic abuse is knowledge, knowledge is power. Share your knowledge with others, not to expose your abuser, there is no way you can warn every woman he will end up dating and it just makes you look bitter and vengeful. If you want to end domestic abuse, educate society whenever the opportunity arises, educate our young women.

 

 

 

 

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13 Replies to “Take This Short Quiz To See If You Could Be The Victim Of Abuse”

  1. I left my n 2 weeks ago and really don’t feel like I’m coping. Everything reminds me of him. He’s plastered photos of his new girlfriend everywhere and they look so happy. I spoke to the ex before me who’d been chasing him (with his encouragement) for 10 years and she denied there were any problems apart from his drinking and cheating ha. Now I’m thinking that it was all my fault. My first husband left me for someone else. I feel like such a failure. I lost my job as well and have absolutely no idea how I’ll support myself as I can barely function let alone find another job. My friends have been supportive yet I know they just can’t understand why I can’t get over it when he was such a bastard to me… I can’t understand it myself. I feel like the only thing that would make me feel better would be a hug from him….madness right? I never knew it would be this hard

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    1. Oh Sarah, I understand completely what you are feeling and going through, and it makes it so much tougher when your friends and family can’t relate. I went through my ordeal pretty much on my own. It has been 10 months since the ex discarded me for the new woman, all I can tell you is that the hurt does start to fade, and when enough time has passed you will realize that you are free, and that is a very powerful feeling. Best of luck to you, and stay strong

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    2. Sarah, he left two weeks ago and your friends can’t understand why you are not over him?? You really think you are going to be over him in 2 weeks?? Give yourself a break!! The only person who can get over a relationship of any kind let alone an abusive one, in 2 weeks is a narcissist.
      What you have to do in order to start healing is cut him and any one who knows him, out of your life! block his facebook so you can’t see the pics of his new g/f, he is doing it to torture you! and you look to torture yourself. STOP
      Baby steps, be kind to yourself and be realistic!
      You can only do so much and right now you need to grieve the loss of the relationship you thought, hoped you had. Just because he didn’t love you does not diminish the love you had for him.
      Your first husband left you for another woman, I understand you doubting yourself, and I bet that it was the way the narcissist fell in love so quickly and thought you were the perfect woman and his soul mate that attracted you to him. How long was it between your husband and when you started dating the narc?
      You are totally entitled to some grieving time and would probably benefit from some counseling because your self esteem has taken a real beating.
      We are here for you, hang in there, it does get better

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      1. Thank you and I know you are right. After a severe assault 18 months ago I had been referred by hospital to victim support. Foolishly I did not follow thru and went back to him. Two days ago I went back to victim support. On the way there I could barely keep from breaking down crying but was determined to tell the truth this time. For 5 years I have played down the physical and verbal abuse, blaming myself. It took2 hours to get everything recorded and the strangest thing is…that although at first I could hardly talk thru the tears about half way through it FINALLY dawned on me how terrible this catalogue of abuse really was and for virtually the first time I started to be angry. NO MORE. Victim support have been so supportive and will help with advice on housing and benefits, even getting a free half hour appointment with a solicitor. If any of you are in a similar situation to mine and living in the UK please get in touch with them. Two days later and I am feeling stronger-the anger helps. I know there is a long way to go, but thanks to victim support and reading other survivors stories…I really can see light at the end of the tunnel…thank you Carrie x

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  2. Wow Carrie, you did it again. Just when I think you’ve hit the nail on the head and can’t do any better you do it again and again. Never thought of myself as strong in this case. Know I’m a strong woman but feel stupid , weak and too sensitive, because that’s what people tell me. Absolutely everyone says they’d never put up with this and would walk out. They lose interest in being supportive because I don’t just walk out as they think that they would do. It’s so hard to be trashed by him and then turn to your family and friends and have them pass judgement on you too. Nothing has changed….still moving toward that goal. Some days are harder than others. Then your family and friends isolate you and it’s really hard. Reading is the thing that keeps me focused and sane. Carrie, truly from the bottom of my heart I appreciate you do so much. MB

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    1. Oh MB! I am so glad I am some sort of help to you. I know how hard it is to have everyone tell you what you should do, what they would do, “just leave” is the worst advice anyone can give a person in your position. Your exit has to be carefully and secretly executed.
      Big hugs to you
      Carrie

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    2. I think it’s almost impossible for our friends a nd family to understand any of this unless you have experienced it yourself you have no idea x

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  3. I’ve Googled parental abuse and there is not much info on it. One meme described it as the silent abuse. The kind of abuse that no one talks about. I had the shit kicked out of me two weeks ago by my 25 year old daughter…I’m numb…no support anywhere. It’s almost unheard of. I bled internally one my left arm and bruises everywhere. It’s nothing compared to what came out of her mouth.

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    1. Hi, abuse is abuse no matter who it comes from. And the same answer applies no matter who is abusing you, cut them from your life! I don’t care if it is a child, a spouse, a parent or anyone else, no one should take abuse from someone else. Most teenagers go through a time of disrespecting their parents but they should never get away with it and most certainly physical abuse is never acceptable.
      I know it is hard to turn your back on a child of any age but by not cutting her from your life you are allowing it to continue. I am going to tell you what to do, whether you do it or not is your choice, but if you want the abuse to stop and ever have a relationship with your daughter some drastic measures have to be taken.
      Does your daughter live with you? Even if she doesn’t live with you, you need to call the police and lay charges against her for abuse and then get a no contact order and change the locks. I know you will say that you don’t want to see your daughter in jail, it sounds to me like it is the only way she is going to learn a lesson. Time for tough love because she is not going to change if there are no repercussions for her actions.
      you tell her that you love her and will be there for her when she seeks help but you will not allow her to abuse you verbally or physically ever again. Leave it up to her to get counselling and do not listen to at sob stories or guilt trips. If and when she can prove she is getting help then you could agree to go to counseling with her if it will help but I would still not let her in your home until a professional says it is safe.
      Somewhere along the line the powers shifted, I am sure you have allowed your daughter to control you for her whole life, she is not going let you change that without a fight and she could do some major damage and even kill you if you weaken.
      Stay strong, we are here or moral support
      Hugs

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      1. I moved in and rented a house mith my 25 year old daughter…my 14 month old grandaughter and my daughters bf. They are on the lease, I am not. She is cold and callous towards me. I am at the airport as I type this…on my way to Fort Mac to work as a labourer. When I get enough money I will move out. I am in Edmonton and I’m sure you know how bad our economy is right now. I could not afford to live in my own and therefore live with them. My story is very long. Ty. It’s Marlene from Edmonton The cops will charge automatically if the abuse comes from a bf or his band, bit not if you got beat up from a daughter. The police attitude was horrible (no surprise). The girl at the desk even had the nerve to roll her eyes at me (in her 20’s). Abuse is abuse, but coming from your own daughter makes me feel more of a freak.

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  4. Dear Carrie I found your website the first time my ex threw me through a wall. This man who I thought was my knight in shining armor. I thought this man was the answer to my prayers I was going through divorce and he just swept me off my feet. He treated (at first) like I was the answer to his prayers. A man I thought that was gonna treat me like I mattered I was important. That was wrong he has been a nightmare he has called me horrendous names spit on me tried to strangle me and the last fight he held a gun to my head. When he tried to strangle me I called 911 he went to jail. He was brought up on charges of domestic abuse he borrowed money for a lawyer that could get him out of it . With my input the DA let off on formal probation and DV classes (which does not do any good) He slandered my name in a small town that I live in saying I was lying some people of course believed him. Since that one incident the abuse actually escalated he drug me I was trying to hold onto the car door so he would not leave me in the middle of no where at that time he broke my arm he told me he was going to kill me and started banging my head on the window of the car over and over he was pulling out my hair as he was doing it. I was dizzy for over month I dont know if I had a concussion.
    He would contact me and I would allow him back in my life (am I that stupid) the abuse kept going to the point of trying to strangle me again and holding a gun to my head the last fight. His excuse is I do it to my self if I would not make him that mad.
    I left my husband of 29 years for less than all that my husband was Disneyland compared to this man. I thought I was gonna get on with my life after leaving my husband. Why would I tolerate such abuse I keep asking myself.
    It needs to be over he is going to kill me one of these times (he has told me over and over).
    I have no one really to talk to he has told people that I am just a crazy B* I am embarrassed by all this. A friend who finally could not tolerate my going back to him over and over (we are no longer friends) would say you keep going back to him thats why they question who is telling the truth so I try to just suck it up and deal on my own.
    Thank you for letting me tell my story I feel so very alone at times and no to listen to me or believe me.

    Carrie thank you for having this page it has given me so much information.

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