People Who Build Bridges and Those Who Burn Them

burning-bridge

Sometimes you might have to burn a bridge to keep the narcissist from following you. And you have to be choosy about which bridges you choose to cross.

You may have noticed I changed the header picture on the blog. I took the picture this summer while Stella and I were at the river. We were wandering along the river, no houses in site, no sign of people and then there in the middle of nowhere is a foot bridge someone obviously put a lot of time and effort into building.

Of course I was intrigued to see where it led and tentatively put one foot on the bridge to test it for strength, it felt solid so I tried two feet and it held. It wasn’t far to fall if it did break but I really didn’t want to get wet. I was kinda nervous crossing the bridge because I didn’t know what would be on the other side but the bridge held, there was nothing scary on the other side and Stella and I went on our way. Ever since then I have wondered who built that sturdy little bridge and why they bothered.

What also surprised me is that no one had destroyed it! Usually when someone obviously works hard to create something, someone will come along and destroy it, maybe it is built so strong that it would take too much effort to destroy it?

Here comes one of my famous (joke) analogies; the world is full of people who build bridges and people who destroy or “burn” their bridges.

bridges-and-dams

The selfish people who lack empathy burn or wreck the bridge because they don’t want anyone to attain what they do, as if there is only so much good stuff to go around and if they help someone else somehow they will lose out. Narcissists are the bridge burners, once they are done with a victim they feel they must destroy them and any hope the victim has of ever leading a happy fulfilling life. In the narcissist’s sick mind if he doesn’t destroy the victim before he leaves he hasn’t done the job, he failed, he loses and the victim wins. It is hard for a normal person to get their head around that kind of logic; if he leaves the victim with anything, including their self respect and esteem he somehow loses. The narcissist is like some kind of toxic leech that not only has to feed off of a live host, he won’t move on to the new host until he has sucked the first host dry.

84f9d5915d797a8378236520a25b08c9

A narcissist sees no point in helping others be successful unless there is a benefit to them, why would they? that just seems stupid to them. They will con someone into building the bridge for them and then they will either charge a toll to use it or burn it so no one else can use it. With my ex ,everything had a price tag and everyone was fair game. He told me once that he would screw his own grandmother (not in the literal sense, he meant figuratively in a business deal. But as I say that, he probably would screw his own grandmother if she was willing)

Empaths build bridges. Their way of thinking is; if I have to go through this I will make it easier for the next guy, I will help the people who come behind me. Why? why not? Like the when the welfare worker asked me why on earth I would have a blog that I put so much effort into, if I was not getting paid.

Or the cop who investigated my ex’s claims I was inciting violence against him through my blog, who asked me why else would I have the blog of not to disparage my ex. He totally understood when I told him that I would never stop sharing my experience because silence that perpetuates domestic abuse and I hoped that sharing my story would save someone else from the same fate or worse.

I also had a selfish ulterior motive and that was; I didn’t trust myself to not attempt suicide again. I didn’t trust myself to value my life enough to keep fighting and to do the work necessary to heal BUT if I declared to the world I was going to heal and survive I couldn’t very well go and kill myself. What message would that send? I valued the lives of strangers more than I valued my own, but at least I knew that about myself and used it to save my life.

Another selfish reason I had for starting the blog was; it gave meaning to everything I had been through. If I didn’t use the experience to help others, if I didn’t experience personal growth and if it didn’t somehow make me a better person; then I had wasted 10 years and lost everything I owned, for nothing and I couldn’t live with that.

I feel it is the responsibility of every person to do what they can to make the world a better place; the narcissist does everything he can to destroy the world and anyone who crosses his path. It makes life harder on the empaths in the world, especially when you marry or elect one. In typical narcissist fashion Trump wants to build a wall instead of a bridge.

What is the point of this post? I guess my point is this:

bridge-not-going-back

I know most of you are hurting, feel emotionally raped and like you will never be happy again but please try to view this as a chance to grow, become a more authentic version of yourself and be a bridge for people who will come behind you. It doesn’t have to be through a blog or any obvious way; you can be a bridge, a light to other victim if you will; by NOT hanging your head in shame or hiding the truth from the world. Be the ear to some victim of abuse when they need to be heard, reach out in friendship when you see abuse happening, mentor a young girl so she knows she is complete and “good enough” without a man. Teach your children how a woman should be treated and show them by example how a strong woman behaves, it is not enough to tell them, you must walk your talk. Be the woman your daughter and son respect.

Even if you don’t have children of your own, you can still be a strong role model. View yourself as you would a friend or your daughter………what would you say to her, what would you wish for her, what does she deserve? and then do it for yourself. Sure it’s a lot of work and it will take time and it means stepping into the unknown, it means leaving your comfort zone, (doesn’t it just make you furious that your “comfort” zone is a place that causes you so much discomfort?)

 

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7 thoughts on “People Who Build Bridges and Those Who Burn Them

  1. DM

    Carrie
    You’ve helped me so much. I don’t know where to start.
    I haven’t the energy to go into it right now but you know the story anyhow. And now I’m a single mom and despite my beautiful son, I’m so alone and feel like I’ll never be happy again.
    Keep going. Don’t lose heart. You are helping others and that is a wonderful thing. I thought I was crazy but you helped me understand and keep going for my son.
    God bless you.
    DM
    Ireland

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    1. kim

      thankyou carrie you and everyone here is keeping me strong even when we get knocked back or feel immense grief and undescribable hurt its a very long journey to work through the feelings but since the last run in it really made me more determined than ever to move on and leave that creep behind when youve been totally disrespected by them its time to begin a new chapter of ones life and keep your self respect we deserve to have a life without abuse and you are right to speak out and never be put down we are not worthless as they would like us to be much clearer in mind today undoing all the brainwashing seeing them for what they are its quite a slow revelation i love the picture of the bridge it looks so tranquil thankyou carrie feel im getting there slowly today anyway it was a turning point when he boasted about details of this other victim made me realise that was it enough there is a point where you have to say enough is enough this person is not respecting me in any way they are not deserving of being in my life on my soap box today thankyou carrie xxx

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  2. Melissa

    I had a blog for ten years while I was married. When we divorced, I started a new one. I use Will’s first name in it. I have yet to name him as a narcissist in my blog. It’s too painful. I don’t know why I can say the words, but my blog is my therapy when I’m not in therapy…maybe I am just not there yet. And sometimes I just want to work things out in my own way. I am not ready to help others..I feel like I am writing to help myself..not selfishly, but just working out my sadness and despair. I love your blog. Some days it’s my lifeline to normalcy.
    lifeafteruptownagirlsguidetodivorce.blogspot.com
    Embrace the Journey
    What a load of crap. Somedays I just want to run.
    XOXOOXOXOOX
    Melissa

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  3. Aura Gael

    I had to laugh when you wrote, “as I say that, he probably would screw his grandmother if she was willing.” That just struck me as hilarious.

    I also really like the meme and the topic of building/burning bridges.

    The particular bridge that comes to mind here in my life, was burned for me but as the meme says, I had no business being on that side of it anyway.

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  4. My Secrets

    Hi, my goodness, I have found someone else with our hearts. I too would like to think I am building bridges. However, it took me a long time to gain the confidence to do so. I will support you always, you are amazing. A true example to us all. Thank you for this enlightenment because to have achieved what you have is amazing and this alone show how determined and strong you are. Love and Light V.C. xx

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  5. Cx2

    Hi, Carrie,
    I can’t wait to tell my truth but I’m having to keep my silence until the legal stuff is finished. My ex NarcPath has all my money tied up in the house we bought together where for the last 2 years he’s been living with my replacement. I don’t want to go public with anything he might find a way to use against me. So I wait. And wait.
    His delaying tactics can’t go on forever and in the end I can force the sale of the house and have my legal entitlement taken from him. He will be incensed and will try to make people believe I’m the most conniving, vindictive woman who ever walked this earth.
    Let him. Stupid man. Even though life is tough while I wait for the legal process I’m so much better off without him.
    Healing from a relationship with one of these creatures can take a while but when you get there you have all the things he tried to destroy. You have your voice, your opinions, your feelings and your freedom – your whole self being the person you were always meant to be.
    Warm wishes to all who know what I’m talking about. Xx

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