That Smirk, Those Eyes, Can Freeze The Blood In The Victim’s Veins

At first you don’t know what it is exactly that makes you uncomfortable. My ex wore glasses, tinted usually; so you couldn’t really see his eyes and I thought he was extremely handsome as long as he kept his glasses on. But when he had his glasses off I avoided looking at his eyes, they made me feel very uncomfortable, I was repelled by them. There was nothing warm and loving about them, they scared me. Thankfully, or maybe unfortunately, he didn’t go without his glasses often. He had a picture of himself from a few years before I met him, it was like looking at the devil himself; and it could freeze you in your tracks or make you recoil.

I only saw it maybe a dozen times at the most in 10 years and it was something I preferred to forget or pretend never happened. It would be easy to pretend I didn’t see what I saw because he could recover from it like nothing ever happened while I would still be trying to absorb what just happened. A person doesn’t want to believe evil exists so when he would come back like nothing ever happened it was a lot easier to pretend nothing happened than to try and figure out exactly what I was dealing with.

cartoon-evilevil

We have an idea of what “evil” looks like from movies, books, even fairy tales; we sure don’t expect evil to look exactly like the person we love with all our hearts. If we tell people about our experiences, the minute we mention that he has a “smirk” and there is something about his eyes that scares us; they shut down and start acting like we are crazy, change the subject or walk away. Everyone continues to remain their friend and we doubt what we saw. After all it is so ambiguous, it’s a “feeling” and a fleeting feeling at that.

During our 10 year relationship there were times I feared for my life and it was at those times I left him. It seemed he could only be normal for so long before things would start to unravel for him, he would slowly start acting more insane, become more violent and out of control. The minute we split up he would be the sweet, kind, soft hearted man I met, crying and professing his love for me and swearing I had misunderstood his intentions, was paranoid or he was only responding to my craziness.

Near the end he started acting really crazy and his sister was living with us so I had a witness, which made it easier to believe and harder to ignore.  Like one night I woke up at 3am and he was nowhere to be found so I went out to the barn to look for him and he was came towards me out of the shadows with something in each hand; a couple of dead chickens. I was speechless and just went back in the house. The next day I went looking around the farm and there was a pile of dead chickens near the barn. To this day I don’t know what that was about. Then another time I went out to look for him in the barn I called out for him and didn’t hear a sound, the lights were all out so I went to the far end to flip the light switch and that is when I saw the red ember of his cigarette across the barn. I flipped the light switch and he was standing there, leaning against the wall smoking. Totally freaked me out.

His abuse got more blatant, not caring if he attacked me in front of his sister; he was pissed at her because she hadn’t taken his word over mine. I have given up trying to figure out what he plans were because the thought patterns of a psychopath, what they determine to be right or wrong or justified, will never compute to a normal person. I know he felt he was justified in doing whatever it took for him to get my truck. I know that whether I died or not made no difference to him as long as he was not suspected in my death.

When you are in the middle of it, the gas lighting, the lies, the manipulation, you are not thinking clearly; it is impossible! You think you are, you are caught up in the game of clue, figuring out what he is up to, catching him. You think you have one up on him when you catch him and prove you were right all along, he was lying. I see women go years , literally years, I did; caught up in the need to be right. The thing is, every time you prove you are right and he is doing what you suspected him of, he always denies it and makes you feel guilty, so you stay……… until you have proof.

You must, keep your head in reality, not succumb to the challenge of “fixing” him, proving you are right, being better than all the other women, and face the truth;

  • No, he does not love you, he is incapable of love

But how can you be sure he is a narcissist and it isn’t you?

Look around you, do you know of any other woman who tolerates this treatment from the man who is supposed to love her?

A normal loving relationship does not involve walking on eggshells, lying, belittling, a feeling of impending doom, being tortured emotionally by your partner, ever! a normal loving relationship is never an emotional roller coaster.

A person who loves you takes no pleasure in your pain and would never smirk when they realize they hurt you.

Those reptilian eyes that make you recoil and your gut twist in knots, are telling you all you need to know, this person is not normal or safe.

 

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18 Replies to “That Smirk, Those Eyes, Can Freeze The Blood In The Victim’s Veins”

  1. This post really hits a nerve. Not wanting to admit that you saw what you saw. When my N rages I have seen this look like a mixture of absolute terror mixed with anger and a little smirk. What kind of combo is that? Plus constant reminder during these times that he’s “really trying to control himself” FAIL! That is not maintaining, plus since I’ve been doing grey rock I no longer get the GIFT of eye contact, when I do its as if he’s looking at his mortal enemy. No feelings, a smirk, finds some way to tell me I look “stressed out” hmmm I’d say that’s a safe bet at this point.

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    1. carrie i certainly remember the intimidation of the evil stare shouting and waving his hand frantically he never physically hit me but it put such fear it was like being attacked and then being blamed that i gave him reason to act like that the more i stood up for myself the worse he would get i was at a disadvantage having a disability and him being six three tall and me four foot ten it took me back to being in a playground senario being bullied the same feelings so many people found him agressive and intimadating in his jobs said how controlling he was so big headed said he was the best didnt like other people doing better than him always had to massage his ego when he came home from work sacked from so many jobs in the end typical older failing salesman he got more controlling with me and bullied me into doing perverted things to make him happy i still have that heightened sense of fear sometimes its all about control for them they can switch personalities and be two completely different people thats why we get so confused thing is you know in youre head they are in the wrong but they are master manipulators and can destroy you oh the smirk when i caught him cheating for the first time it was after 26 yrs the evil of the smirk when he admited it i nearly put a frying pan on his head i was cooking at the time i was that close but didnt the consequences would not have been worth it i even forgave his cheating he convinced me it was once and was over and loved me really dont believe them ladies they only get worse i know now why so many people would never speak to him again i have joined that club thankyou carrie xxx

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  2. What a relief to have all this information…I just left a 13 year relationship with a classic Narcississtic Pathological Liar and am in the recovery process…My husband is a singer-songwriter, popular, charming, adorably cute, talented, well-educated…with a lot of friends. He is also the most incredible liar that I could ever imagine. Probably 80% of what he says is a lie, and it took a long time for that to become clear to me…unbelievable. As long as I took care of everything, gave him tons of approval and positive strokes, let him have his way the vast majority of the time, our life was pretty good, I thought. He has a million different ways to control me, and everyone else around him…and it wasn’t until this past year when we went through some major life changes- moved to his family farm, I stopped working, and he was (finally) expected to support the two of us financially, that I REALLY saw him change towards me, completely and horribly. Picking fights for no reason, drinking and drugging on the sly, developed a huge porn addiction, constantly resentful of me. The ugly narcissistic side of him was so shocking, hateful, casually cruel, being openly critical of me in front of good friends, and especially showed zero interest in my physical welfare. I’ve spent the last 16 months in hell as he’s gaslighted me, lied nonstop, hid his phone, iPad, phone bills…no explanation for any of his bizarre and clearly cheating-type of behavior. Openly flirting with women, AND men. Denied everything, even the naked pictures he had of his own penis on his phone- denied doing it! Unreal…until I stumbled upon information online about narcissists, I couldn’t even explain to anyone how crazy, anxious and confused I felt. Thank God I have some clarity now, and when I reflect back over the years, so much makes sense now! For anyone else going through this, try to stay strong, realize you’ve been traumatized and abused, I believe I have PTSD now…hang in there, educate yourself. Don’t go back, once you’ve seen behind the mask, you’ll always be the enemy, and you could be in real danger. My husband wants me to come back, desperately, but STILL won’t admit he has done anything wrong at all. He’s crazy as hell, God help his next victim.

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    1. Jeanne, I removed your last name for your own safety and privacy. You never know who might Google your name and your comment would come up in the search results. If you are being strong with not taking him back he will start (if he hasn’t already) start snooping trying to see what you are up to. Where did you all of a sudden get the strength to leave him, narcissists hate losing control more than anything else. They may treat you with loathing and cheat etc but they don’t want to lose control of you. Once you have been with a narcissist you become their possession to use and abuse as they see fit. That is why they become so dangerous when the victim leaves. If they can’t have you to abus they don’t want anyone else to have you either.
      Do not mistake it for loving you. If nothing else works they will “realize their mistakes” profess their undying love complete with tears and admitting everything they ever did wrong. It is all an act to get you back and any promises he makes will be forgotten if you do go back.
      There is a safety plan download at the top of the blog, it’s free and has a lot of great ideas for staying safe.
      Do not doubt how dangerous narcs can be. Once you leave them they have nothing to lose.
      Congrats on seeing the light and getting away!

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  3. Spot on, Carrie! The reptilian eyes tell it all, and very early on. I just realized that let another (the second) narcissistic disordered man into my life recently. Thank God it has only been 6 weeks and I’m already out again! Just in time before he could switch from idealization stage – and I can tell you that his wooing and seducing act was BIG and grandiose – to the first devaluation-discard cycle.

    However, I could have known after the experience I’d had with narc no. 1, and all the extensive reaearching, reading, talking about and healing & uplevelling work from narc abuse I have gone through. Especially, I was totally aware of the “dead, reptilian eyes” thing. That was the very first thing that didn’t sit right when I met and interacted with narc no. 1, and I had the exact same, uncomfortable feeling and sense of shadiness/fake when I started talking with narc no. 2. In fact, his eyes – and the strong feeling of physical attraction and “instant connection”, as well as heavy, very vivid flashbacks to my time with narc no. 1 – were the very reason I tried my best to avoid being near this man. But you know how charming, seductive and convincing they can be, right? He played the role of the perfect gentleman, took me out for dinner and to places like the opera, art galleries etc., wrote me a long, hand-written letter full of loving words and compliments, travelled all-over Europe just to spend time with me…

    However, I have to admit that I did notice some more red flags early on, such as in inconsistencies, over-the-top behaviour, occasional word salad and a string of previous failed relationships. But he also showed many good features, very different from narc no. 1, and the chemistry was there, so I decided to give him a couple of chances.

    Unfortunately, my very first gut-feeling proved to be correct: Something is very wrong with this man.

    It has only been 6 weeks and we haven’t spent many days together, although the time we did spend together was pretty intense. Anyway, it is time for me to now cut my losses and fold. Another lesson to be learned here. Phew!

    “Nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know.” ~ Pema Chodron.

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    1. Gees that is scary as knowing you could of ended up with Narc no 2…..lucky you knew the signs early on. I’m starting to realize how many are amongst us. That’s what I’m scared of…..attracting another. Hymns do lots of reading and working on myself to make sure that never happens. Take care.

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  4. Is it common for them to ruin Christmas or other holidays? I’m sitting here at the hospital right now waiting on my niece to be born. It should be a very happy time. A baby right before Christmas. Everyone in my family is so happy and excited but I feel like I am falling apart once again and doing everything I can to hold it together. Everything with my narc and I’m pretty convinced by now that he is definitely a narc was going good or so I thought until about a month and half ago. One day we was getting along great and making plans for the holidays and the next he became cold and distant. Would barely talk to me. I kept asking him what was wrong and he kept telling me that he was having financial problems and didn’t know how he was going to buy Christmas presents for his kids or anyone else. It didn’t make sense because he makes really good money but I tried to empathize with him and told him I would help him if I could and he didn’t need to buy me a present. He said it would be fine don’t worry about it. But the bad attitude kept up for days. I cooked a huge thanksgiving meal for my family and him and his kids. I wasn’t even sure if he was going to show up for dinner. For hours on thanksgiving he wouldn’t answer my calls. His son was trying to call him for a ride home and he wouldn’t answer his calls either. His son called me wanting a ride which I couldn’t do because I had food cooking on the stove. When we finally got a hold of him and he answered his phone he said he had been sleeping. I said for 4 hours?? It didn’t make any sense. He never sleeps like that in the middle of the day. He made it to dinner but things were very tense and he was very distant and cold. I tried to ignore it. I don’t know why I think I didn’t want the holidays ruined. The bad mood he was in just kept getting worse and worse. Finally after I went out of my way to go to his house and take cookies to him and treats for his dog just trying to cheer him up he basically ignored me and made me feel like I wasn’t welcome there. I had finally had enough and confronted him and said I want to know what is going on. Something is obviously going on. He told me I was crazy and he wasn’t acting like anything he just had a lot on his mind and it had to do with money and he wasn’t going to get into this with me again. I said would u just like me to leave and he said yea so I did. That was 2 weeks ago. He hasn’t talked to me since. I tried to talk to him and text him and nothing. Complete silent treatment. I have been so depressed about this happening once again seemingly out of no where. One day everything was fine and the next it was a nightmare but nothing happened to cause it. Tonight I came to the hospital with my family and tried to put this all in the back of my head and not think about it. I made a post on fb about being excited to meet my niece tonight and 5 minutes after I did that he changed his profile pic from a pic of the 2 of us to one of him and his son. About an hour after he did that I went ahead and changed my profile pic from a pic of the 2 of us to one of just me by myself. I figured it was just making me look stupid to leave the pic of him and I up when he had changed his and wouldn’t talk to me. A few mins later he likes my profile pic. Why would he do that?? None of this makes any sense. I don’t understand why we’re not talking. I don’t understand what happened at all. I have tried to ask him and he won’t answer me. My family thinks he just didn’t wanna have to buy a Christmas present for me or any of them. They all have his number. They think he is such a jerk and constantly tell me I deserve better. I know that I do and every time I get to the point where I can say enough is enough and try to implement no contact he comes back around and begs and cries and swears he will change. I believe him every time even though I know it is a lie. He was suppose to take me to get a Xmas tree but didn’t so I had to pay someone to help me. I just don’t understand how someone can act so loving and caring one day and totally different the next day. I’m sorry for the long post. I try hard to take the advice of not trying to make sense of it because u can’t but it’s like I don’t know how to get my brain to understand that. The more I try not to think about it the more I do.

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    1. Hi laurasworld84, was just checking this blog before bed and read yr msg and had to comment. Omg yr msg is so familiar, and will be to others on here. First of all big hugs to you….we all know how you feel and what yr going threw. Yes Narcs love to spoil holidays and celebrations and happiness for that matter, it gives them joy!! Don’t try and work it out coz you never will, just know it is NOT you. Every wkend I had off work which is only once a fortnight, my ex Narc would either cause an argument or go cold and distant….it did n’t head in!! No explanation of why he just would, so my wkend off was always wrecked and full of anger, saddness, stress,anxiety. …they are selfish losers that love to cause chaos and have control..Please do not contact him because you will only keep getting hurt, and if you go back, he will get worse. I learnt that the hard way. I’ve been one month Narc free, havnt seen or heard fm him, but I’m sure he will either just show up or txt and expect me to melt when he does. This time I refuse. I’m so determined this time is for good. You deserve better, you know deep down you are. Put all the love into yourself.x

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      1. Thank u shazza! It’s so hard to get my heart to match what my brain knows and has known for so long now. I do this to myself more than he does it to me. I know I need to walk away and stay away and I’m going to try so hard to do that this time. I wish he would just leave me alone. It has been 6 years of constant heartbreak sprinkled with just a few good times. I’m so very mad and disgusted with myself for allowing it all. I know time makes everything better but man the waiting to get there is brutal. Thank u for responding and I wish u continued strength in what u are dealing with. U are doing great so far. Good luck to u

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        1. Hey laurasworld84, hey thank you and yr welcome. It’s been a tough month no contact I can tell you. Heaps of crying is important, the thoughts of missing him will enter yr head alot, but push them away, they are not real really, we can’t allow our missing them to make us run back to the arms of the ones that hurt us. They are not like normal breakups, they have brainwashed us, and it’s all mental crap….When I married mine 3yrs ago, I neva dreamt this would happen, I get so sad wen I think of our wedding day, coz it was beautiful. I know it’s not my fault, I loved the person that doesn’t love me, it hurts bad, and no amount of thinking can make me understand. Nothing I did was ever good enough, nothing. I put myself out like you with everything I did for that man, and still nothing. They are sick and twisted. There a days I want to crawl and hide under a rock. But I make myself remember the rages, lies, manipulation and feel better in knowing I’m at peace now. Almost everyday he would hurt me in some way with something he said or did. Try and focus on the positive that you can have in yr life now, peace, calm, relaxation, yr own decisions, hobbies, friends. Push threw it, and go on this blog and read everyday and write, it’s awesome support. Good luck, be strong.x

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    2. Laurasworld, yes they love to ruin any special occasion, in 10 years our first Christmas together was the only good one, he ruined every birthday and holiday for the next 9 years. They do not want anyone to be happy and it has to be all about him. If he is miserable he has everyone’s attention. If you are trying to figure out what you did wrong, why he is upset, why he isn’t answering his phone, wondering if he will show up, he has you thinking about him, he is in control of your emotions. What power, to be able to destroy your and your family’s special day.
      You can stop trying to make sense of it, you have to! because you never will make sense of insanity. The reason you can’t make sense of it is because he doesn’t make sense!!! plain and simple, no more complicated than that. If he was a normal healthy person he would make sense but he is mentally disabled. When a person finds themselves on the internet trying to make sense of the person they are in a relationship with, they know they are involved with a disordered person. Normal people don’t do the things a narcissist does.
      When you start obsessing about him make yourself think about something else. It takes work, it is easier to just let your mind go to familiar territory, the brain only knows what we put in it. For however long you have been obsessing about him, now your brain automatically goes there, you have to retrain your brain.
      There are several good posts on retraining your brain, brainwashing and mental torture, just do a blog search on “retrain your brain” and they will pop up.
      You said that you believe him and go back even though you know he is lying. So you do’t believe him, you know better but you choose to go back even though you know he is lying. I did that myself, I used to pray he would tell me a good enough lie so I could lie to myself. Once you know what he is and that history keeps repeating itself you have to stop repeating history. You can no longer blame him for hurting you. If you go back you can’t complain or blame him any more because you will go back knowing full well he is a liar and never changes.
      It is all in how you look at it, if you choose to remain a victim or if you choose to stop the insanity and get healthy.
      Please keep reading the blog, there is so much useful information here that I have written over the course of 6 years, my own experiences and of people who come here; all your questions will be answered and knowledge is power. Take control of your life back. You can do it. But it takes work and dedication to improving yourself and your life.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  5. My roommate is a classic narc and it’s amazing to me how evil he can be to the people he claims to love the most. The hardest part is that it’s so small sometimes, that you can’t even tell if you were just abused. For instance, I placed an object in the house someplace that he didn’t like. Instead of simply asking me to move it, he “lightly” shoved me and I tripped over my sandals and fell. According to him he did not push me to the ground, I tripped. And then he says really vile things to loved ones. He and his sister got into an argument because she didn’t like teh christmas gift he was going to get for her husband. She said all of his gifts for people were things he wanted them to have and not things they actually wanted. This is true, but he replied with “Well I don’t know why I’m getting your cheating husband anything anyway.” They are just working through an affair and he reopened the wound over a christmas gift. Ironically, the people he has deemed as enemies…he treats or pretends to treat with the utmost respect. It’s weird.

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    1. Omg I know exactly what u mean. Mine would pinch or poke me whenever I knew he was mad at me about something. I never had any idea what it was exactly that he was mad about but it was something and he would claim the pinch or poke that was hard enough to leave a bruise was an accident or I was just being too sensitive. And he also treats other people like strangers or acquaintances like gold and is just moody distant and mean most times around myself and his family and kids. This is a very frustrating disease

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