Merry Christmas and New Year Resolutions

I am with my family at my brother’s but I wanted to take a minute to say Merry Christmas to you all and give a few words of encouragement to those of you who are having a terrible day and feeling lonely. I CAN relate and I can assure you that you will get through this and things will get better.merry-christmas-images-knvirlmt

My ex and I split at the end of November and were still very much in contact that first Christmas. He, in typical narcissist fashion had been bitching to all his friends about how badly I treated him and he had invitations for Christmas day. I, on the other hand had moved into a stranger’s trailer (a friend of a friend who worked out of town and was only home for a couple of weeks at Christmas and again in spring), my mother wasn’t talking to me, and my son lived in another province. I was not invited to attend the family Christmas dinner, I was broke, heart broken, and thought surely I would run out of tears soon, no one could possibly cry that much. I would sit and stare into space forgetting to blink, I thought maybe I could forget to breath and die, but no such luck.

Sometimes I forget how far I have come since then, some of the things I have accomplished.

I strongly advise any recent victims of narcissistic abuse to start a journal, if you are still with the narcissist even better. Make sure you don’t let the narcissist know you are writing a journal because he will read it and the less he knows the better. There is a tendency for the victim to want the narcissist to know how much he is hurting them in hopes he will feel bad. Because they know how badly they would feel if they found out they were hurting someone as much as you are hurting, but you have to remember that the narcissist does not hurt and gets off on your pain.

Journal so you can look back and remember how bad it was and how no matter how many things you tried you could never make him happy. So when the new year comes and you are filled with self doubt you can read how you kept repeating history over and over again like GroundHog Day and nothing ever changed.

If you are with the narcissist, he has undoubtedly ruined another celebration and you are crying and alone, didn’t get any gifts, ended up being told it was all your fault he is miserable or he didn’t show up for dinner at all. I remember one Thanksgiving my ex stayed in bed all day, another Thanksgiving he showed up hours late after we head off eating for 2 hours waiting for him because he didn’t answer his phone. There were the Christmas’s we were supposed to go to his family and never got there, no turkey, no gifts, and he never even called to tell them we weren’t coming and they would wait until they couldn’t wait any longer for us to walk through the door. They eventually stopped asking us and I eventually stopped expecting to celebrate any special occasions.

When we split and he was the life of the party with invitations to numerous houses for dinner, it was easy to feel miserable. Here I was, the one who had always made Christmas so special, who decorated the whole house and baked for months prior to Christmas, sitting home alone.

Things have never been the same since. That is one thing you really must accept, you will never go back to your “old self”, with work on your part, you will be a new and improved version of yourself. I have found that Christmas is overrated, what matters is how people treat you all year long. Most people are not having a Brady Bunch, Ozzie and Harriet Christmas.  The people who matter are the ones who cherish you all year long and when you start cherishing yourself, the people who don’t treat you well won’t matter.

I still love Christmas, but I almost prefer to be alone and celebrate time with my family all through the year.

I hope that you all got through the day ok, it is almost over and tomorrow is another day.

You have all been on my mind.

Lets all look forward to the new year with a positive attitude and determined to be the best we can be.

 

 

 

 

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10 thoughts on “Merry Christmas and New Year Resolutions

  1. Rosie

    Carrie, thank you so much for the help and encouragement that you give to all of us throughout the year. Whenever I get sucked back into feeling down I come here, it is my therapy. And you have no idea how much it helps to not feel alone going though this experience. Love to you and I wish you the best in the approaching New Year! Give your sweet dog a hug from me! xxx

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    1. Carlita

      Yes!! Thank you for this!!! I’m so very sad today because it was the first time in our life that my younger sister (she’s the one living w the Sociopath -age 49) didn’t spend Christmas with us. Our dad who ALWAYS finished his plate barely ate. My older sister & I have been sad all day but had to hide it from our kids. Oh Dear Lord, when will we get our sister back from this no good Sociopath??? We’re praying she is missing spending time with us and is hopefully starting to wake up. It’s like I have a knife in my heart. Merry Christmas to you all and I appreciate you taking your time to write this……anything helps!! God Bless!

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      1. Carrie Reimer Post author

        Carlita, I am sorry your family is going through this. There is nothing you can do but pray and be there for her when she wakes up. I will pray that she reaches out to you soon.

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        1. Carlita

          Thank you so much!! Yeah I know and it’s so hard because of course we’ve tried to tell her as we always have been those type of sisters to tell each other like it is and respect each other’s concern. However he has convinced her we are terrible people and it’s just crazy. I’m putting it in God’s hands from here! I miss her dearly!!

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  2. michelle diedrich

    I was with my N for almost 10 years. He fits the description to T. I used to feel like I was in the twilight zone because he could turn anything into an argument and always blame me. He went to work out of state and never came back. He was still professing his love to me and swore he was not seeing anyone else. I know he was because I’ve been through it twice before (I am sure there were many times I never found out about). I lost my job because he would go on and on and fight about how It was more important than him so I took time off and tried to prove he was the most important thing in my life. I offered to come spend xmas with him because he said he would be homeless since his crew was all going home for the holidays and he had nowhere to go. He complained because it was only 4 days and then he didn’t like any of the towns I chose to meet him or he was sick of the cold, etc. finally he said “ok fine whatever come”. I went to buy the ticket he cut off all communication with me. Last night I couldn’t take it anymore and text him at 4 am because I can’t sleep. He didn’t respond so of course I kept texting him asking how he could throw me away like I mean nothing, that 10 years means nothing. He finally text me back saying that the only reason we aren’t together is because of me and I threw it all away. His last text was “yep and it was be you who didn’t want me”. I want to know how is it me who doesn’t want him when I offered to come out there and I am the one who tries to make it work. What should I text back? How do I respond to something that obviously isn’t logical? Also I keep reading that recovery is rare for narcissism but there is a chance, right? Will he be this way with someone else or is it just me?

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    1. Carlita

      I am no doctor, but from what I have learned about sociopaths- they are this way with everyone. You should be lucky and run why you can go get away now. They are sick people who have no heart or conscience of hurting anyone’s feeling, etc. I wish so bad there would be more about these sickos to warn people. This February will be 3 years that me and my other sister have barely spoken to our sister that is still with the sociopath. We were the closest sisters before he came around. We’re praying she will wake up soon. They can tear a family apart!!! I hope you read and learn a lot to be able to stay away from him. Good Luck!! Praying for you!!

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  3. michelle diedrich

    It’s hard to believe he is ALWAYS evil. I know without a doubt he is a textbook narcissist but there have been brief moments where he’s been vulnerable and once or twice I’ve seen him feel bad about someone else’s pain. This makes me wonder if he can be reached. Is it possible to break through and heal the child that became the narcissist? He used to admit he doesn’t have empathy and doesn’t feel the urge to comfort someone when they are hurt but he wants to learn. He said he watched his mother tear men up and spit them out and that she could destroy a mans soul without blinking. When his mother was 12 she saw her father kill her mother and 5 of her siblings (I looked up the story and it is true). So it makes sense he learned to be a narcissist from his mother. I know he is a monster but he has no one and he doesn’t fit in anywhere. I am his only constant so I hate to give up on him. When I try to leave he says I am just like everyone else in his life. Help! I don’t want to abandon someone with a mental illness especially if it isn’t his fault.

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    1. Carlita

      Honey it’s up to you, but the more I read, they are very good actors and can cry at the drop of a hat to make you feel sorry for them. Keep in mind there is 1 in 25 people who are sociopaths. Check out website http://www.lovefraud.com also, there is a lot of really good information on there as well as this site. My poor sister who is battling cancer right now is the same way and always wants to help people so I know right now she’s thinking she can really change this monster, but there’s no way she can- not to mention she has such an awesome life to live instead of worrying about this guy she’s with that’s a sociopath and truly doesn’t care about anything except himself and what he’s going to get out of this. He has her re-financing her house that was “paid off” and signing for thousands and thousands of dollars of credit cards etc. She is a successful business woman and had zero debt before he came into her life. She also was very very involved with our family and we were the closest sisters ever before he came into her life. He totally manipulated her and taught her to hate us and think we are a terrible family. They’re only out for themselves. Again they can act however they need to to get what they want. I know every woman wants that perfect man that treats them perfect, but just keep your eyes open to everything and learn further about these type of people. Be careful honey.

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  4. Julie

    Thank you all for being brave enough to share your stories. I left my boyfriend last Friday and have been sick in bed since. I was a professional until an accident left me disabled, but he preyed on my vulnerability. He chased me hard. I wasn’t even that attracted to him. But I fell madly in love with him- his charm. I moved in a year later because I lived 2 hours away. But he was always checking his phone and bringing it into the. bathroom. Then a card came in the mail and he said it was from his sons grandmother (it was from another state where he had traveled for business a lot the first year we were together) but refused to open it. I saididnt believe him. and he ran out of the house with it. He returned and said it was a crazy ex girlfriend who sent him things periodically. He cried, and swore he would never lie to me again. I wrote the address down before I gave it to him, but never sent a letter inquiring, but the next three months were hell. I felt in my heart something was wrong. Then I was able to see his phone log. He had been talking to another woman about 5 times a day. Every morning at 4:50am he would use the bathroom until I questioned it. He had been texting this woman. While he was working. While at work and every night on the way home to me while I was cooking his dinner. There were four other woman too. I would leave to go to my beach house and theses women would come over to our bed. We had a great sex life, too. Every night! Why!? I was devastated . My world fell apart and I packed as much of my stuff in my car as I could. I left a note as to was it worth it? He called and cried and acted like he didn’t know what he did. I called these women. The one who sent the card had been seeing him for 3 yrs. She was waiting for him to move. She felt something changed when I moved in. She was devastated. (But took him back) another one dated him 8 months during our two years. I went back two months later. I felt so lonely. I had no friends. He alienated me from everyone. While we were apart he slept with the girl from out of state twice. She emanated him back and he said she just wouldn’t leave him alone. He was very angry at me for calling the women. At first he said he would get counseling and opened his phones and stopped taking them to the bathroom. We looked to buy a house together. But all that stopped. He did not need counseling- I did. He began taking his phones in the bathroom again and said he didn’t care what I thought. Two days after he bought s new big house for “us”, I found a receipt where he had still been paying for another cars ezpass. I was devastated again. He said he took care of everything. The tag came back to a 38 year old female. He said it was his ex gfs daughters car and he forgot. I didn’t believe him- two years later? One of the first tokens of his love was to buy me an ezpass. He started cussing me out and hung up on me. It was my fault ? I left. He is angry at me. Hates me. I am sick in bed. I will admit- part of me wants him back. I am mourning a monster. Why? I know he is a bad man and going on with his life, while I am all alone. I found out I had mono the week I left. I have had a High fever got two weeks. I’ve lost 30 lbs and all my curves in 2 months. I got STD tested twice the first time I left. Not yet this time. I was clean. We cuddled every night. So close. Yet if I questioned him- how dare I. How could I let this happen to me? I was a police officer for 12 years. . . Everything in this article hits home. Thank you for letting me put my story pen to paper.

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    1. Carlita

      Julie,
      I’m so very sorry you fell for one of these Sociopaths…..my sister has been with hers for almost 3 years now. I’m praying for it to end soon. We miss her so very much….we were a VERY close family. Anyways, I have read and learned so much and everything basically says they will never stop being the way they are…..they’re incapable of true love. So if you can possibly be strong enough to move on, that’s most likely pthe best thing for you or anyone involved with a sociopath. Again, they’re incapable of “true love” and they basically get off on cheating, etc. it’s a challenge for them. Praying for you!!

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